In an unhappy marriage!

vijayabharti,

i'm sorry to hear what you are going through, it is hard balancing the problem triangle of self-husband-mil.

but i just wanted to say that I would not advise filing a dowry harassment case against your husband and his parents unless they have ACTUALLY done such harassment. Shrutiv05 continually gives out the same advice no matter what the circumstances.. file dowry case against husband. be the bigger person in the relationship... if you do decide to leave your husband, do so in a fair and honorable way. maybe Shrutiv's way will give you temporary satisfaction and revenge, but I think you would find that after revenge comes guilt and regret.

i hope you are able to find peace in life. best wishes.

(To Shrutiv05: I don't mean to sound like I'm picking on you or trying to discredit your advice, but I feel taking the step of filing a false dowry complaint is a very serious matter not to be done out of anger or revenge. Not sure why you keep recomending this to every lady with marriage/divorce issues? Sorry if I have misunderstood you. Thanks.)

 

Hello Friends
I just want to share what i go through.I have many posts saying that MIL'S dont let u do anything for her son(hubby).

In my case it is just the reverse.My MIL expects me to treat her son like god.Evrytime she goes on suggesting me what should i do for her son.

She goes on telling me that what should i cook for her son,what work should i do for her son,And how to do it for him.It is always him.That is the only discussion i have with my MIL.Just her son.Her son like this food so prepare this for him.He wont eat that so y you want to cook that particular thing.If her son wont eat anything particular that should never be cooked.i want to add here that we stay in different cities but this i have to listen on phone.All the instructions are via phone.I really dread talking to her.

I am married for 5 years now.No i have learnt to deal with her tactically. i just say ok i will do as you say,but not neccesarily follow her.But i really hate taliking to her as the talks are just about her son.

Once in my first year of my marriage hubby went abroad and i was staying with them for a month.At that i was new and did not know how to act(react).She gave me all the suggestions.How should i talk and dress(and not dress).How my nature should be,which songs should i practice.once my hubby called and after talking to them when he was talikng to me we were discussing somthing financial.I did not approve what he siad so i was telling him not to do accordingly.Just to tell you that we were not at all fighting just very casuualy discussing.She started saying to me.Why you are saying like that .Why you want evrything your way.Evrything can not be done your way.I was mad with anger.It was clear on my face.But i just silently walked away.Can i not talk with my husband the way i want.But now i am expert dealing with her.but nothing has changed from her side .If at all she talks to me it is just about her son and the work i should do for him.If while eating her son left something.immediatley it would be give it to your wife she will eat it.I dont mind eating his leftovers.sometimes if it is really wasted,But evrytime:spin.
If it pickle give it to her,Rice put in her plate,Oh sabji is more,she will eat it,anything and everything.

But if her son -in -Laws say somthing to her daughters any work she is absolutely mad at them.My daughters have to do evrything.They just sit back and enjoy is the line we have to listen.She in turn tells my FIL to do evrything but wont herself do anything.But in just my case it is me who has to live or die for her son only.Drowning

I have learnt to let go.

Hubby is very fair no no prob for me.

 

Dear Wisha, Sumitha,

Sorry I beg to differ on your 'haven't your parents ever daunted you' response. I have seen personally, in my extended family, how possessive a mother (and father) of a single child (esp of a son) can be. This is not a casual case of the DIL fussing over anything and everything. I think most ladies who pour their heart out in IL (and such forums) are so desperate for a change in their life and they have suffered a lot. I'm sorry to be rude, but sometimes this lecture of 'change your attitude' really irritates me.

To me, someone who is so obsessed with her son shouldn't get him married in the first place. If the in-law doesn't have the maturity to grow with age and accept changes, new relationships in life then better don't drag another human being into your circle and ruin her life too. Atleast the son should have the head to show/tell his mom that his new role as a husband also brings in certain responsibilities.

I think the author of this thread has tried her best to make herself accepted. But isn't there a limit to which one can go on 'adjusting'.

And a child in such situation will only bring more pressure on the wife. Please have an open talk with your husband. All the best!

Latha

 

hi vijaya bharathi,
first, let me say ur are not alone in ur time of need, we in IL are here for u intime of ur need!
latha was v precise in her post- u are the one who is going through this for 5 yrs, if i am right!
look, ur DH is an only son, it is to be understood that his parents esp -mom wl cling to him because of basic insecurity! it is in the hands of ur DH to settle this problem once and for all- the basic problem here is that it is expected that u respect ur inlaws but dont get any in return- it is ur DH's fault! he should make it clear that if u r to respect his parents u should be respected in return and this should be explained to him by u!
respect is the basis of any relationship be it between relatives , colleagues/friends.
u tell him u r ready to treat his parents like urs if they respect u!
if ur husband doesnt respect ur wishes, then i'm sorry to say he doesnt respect u!
i understand this completely cause my DH is an only son, his dad died when he was in school and his mom has totally brought him & his sis up- but my husband really drew the line by making it clear to his mom that ' respect my wife she wl respect u!- this is an unspoken rule-mind u!
first talk to ur Dh and keep us posted, then depending upon the outcome we r all here to help u!
take care!

 

Dear Vijaya,

Su has given excellent advice. If I understand correctly your husband is nice to you when not in his parents' presence. Talk to him, not emotionally, but clearly and precisely that you understand very well his mother's love for him and therefore her insecurities. If she does not give you the space, let you enjoy the relationship being a wife and respect you as a fellow human being then it will only leave sour notes in the family. Unfortunately most elders of our in-laws' generation do not understand this concept of 'respecting' someone younger to them by age. Your husband must show to them, not necessarily in the form of heated arguments or 'lessons' but in subtle and polished ways that he will not tolerate any ill-treatment meted to his wife. Only that can open your mil's eyes.

I see that you live in the US. Are your in-laws there with you too? I do hope your DH is open to conversation and makes amends...

Latha

 

I am rewriting this post because I did not read the subsequent posts made by Vijaya Bharati regarding her decision to divorce him already (I only read the OP).

Vijaya Bharati, as Chocolate suggests, I recommend a temporary suggestion. It might cause him to wake up and read the writing on the wall. If he comes around following your temporary moving out, THEN you can attempt counseling.

I am not a strong believer in divorce because it takes an enormous emotional toll on everyone concerned. So, my suggestion would be to attempt a temporary separation AND marital counseling if when / her realizes what he's going to miss if you truly left him. In fact, I would make counseling a pre-requisite to getting back together AND separate living arrangements from him parents (if that is what you want).

But, whatever you do, please remain above-board. I read one poster telling you to drag your husband to India and to file dowry harassment charges against him. This is a very serious matter and this will ruin his life and livelihood. Yes, your in-laws ruined your marriage but they are a misguided couple. This, however, does not warrant filing false charges against them. No one deserves this kind of harassment. Be the bigger person.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZlmgxrub1U&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR9K3pnepkI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESW6JEtgvm0&feature=related

 

Vijaya,I feel a temporary separation in your case will do the trick. Being separated from you your husband will realize your value.And for once you will also get a breather from this everyday stressful situation.
Its easy for your husband to say what he says becoz you havent responded to it.Try talking to him too.If it doesnt work try to separate for a while. If your parents are in same city as you or a close friend . Try staying there for a while.It worked for me and it might work for you too.Good luck.

 

Vijaya,

I really feel sorry for you.But I think "divorce" is the last thing u can think of in our society.

If u have already decided to walk out,then just think of the consequences.Will you be able to face all that?Your image after divorce will be totally different.People will look at u different way.Thatz how our society is now.If u r ready to face all this....then go ahead.I wud say "Hats off" as it wud be a lesson for atleast a few.

But practically,u need to face a lot in the society.Not only u but ur parents too.

Try for a temporary separation.And don't go behind him or just be cool with him.Do not indulge emotionally for sometime.Try out if it works.

ALL THE BEST!

 

Hi dear,
I know it is been a long time you post and many great women has given u great advice follow them...MY hubby loves me a lot...my mil didnt want me to be her DIL ..she wanted someone less educated and can do all housework...and she can treat her as she wants as my co-sister(she is 12th fail and from lower middle class family..but she is also same..like mil...always think to get seprated and wants all property to be their)...i do have same problem ..my hubby is mama's boy.....he knows how mil treats me and taunts me...back of him..and just complaint all backans i gave to her..i was really unable to keep quite and always gave her backans...which dh never liked ..he scolds me infront of her....then i started ignoring her completely..and was also talking only when dh is at home...she tried telling him that she ignores me when u are not here..but he could nt belive(this was what i learn from her..be nice infront..of dh)...this was when we were 2 months married...then we went to US for 2 yrs and came back...i was with them for 1 months..dh went to office after 15 days..actaully i was working in USA...after getting my salary all went to him and i never asked..he bought a camera for his brother and camcorder for my father all gifts for all members...both side....i told him in advance...that i will need 1 lakh rupee seprate....51K as fixed deposit and 50K for jewels as they did not buy me anything except mangal sutra...so he was ok with it...and he told his fater to give me 1 lakh rupee...i did what i wanted to do...she agreed infront of him..as soon as he left..she started all drama...my fil wanted me to jewellry as per my wish and asked me to go with my dad and my father...and i did it as gold price drop a bit..for few days.. i only booked..never maded any design yet...my FIL asked me whether i bought gold or not and i said i just booked but didnt plan any design as price was low(i was at my parents house)...so he told my mil that she bought and he said that he called me to buy gold as it was at very low cost..and he went out somewhere... In his absense MIL called DH and told I bought my jewelry and didnt asked her once...and also spread in all relatives tht i am forcing my hubby to do buy big falt(3bhk) and gold ..my DH scolded me so i called my fil and told him that Dh called and scolded me..so i am cancelling my booking......FIL said dont cancell it as i am the eldermost and u should follow me and not him..then i think he went back and scolded mil for showing that my DH dosent obey his own father...he was very angry at MIL and DH....dh was normal later and forgot everything.......but mil keept spreading things..all abt jewellry..(My IL family belongs to high middle class family and my Parents below to rich family so i already had lot of jewels in my marraige from my parents)
so on dusherra i asked her to wear one of my costliest necklace to wear..and she was happy that i asked her....she did wore it...but on diwali..she had a fight with co-sister who lives with them(i live in away from them due to DH job in Banglore)..so she started telling me abt all sort of badthings abt her and her family...so slowly i asked her that her co-sister(my cousin MIL)told me that i have forced DH to buy gold for me when he had no money...she didnt say any word..then i told her that was a small part of my salary ..which i wanted to keep for me as u have not given me anything on my marraige...i have told my all relatives that this was given by my PIL...so she stopped saying anything about my jewels thing anymore....Unfortunately..in my IL house everybody has a habbit of listening(like theives) what other 2 are talking abt..from FIL to my DH..all which i never saw at my parents house.......so :crazy..then we went to bed my DH told me that i should have said her all abt jewel..but i told him see i wanted her to stop all stupid things and be nice infront of others asi have mentioned to them..else they will know the reality.......

I have lot of such things in my almost 5 yrs of marraige life...but now..when we see serials together..all soap drams i taunt him in very sweet manner that never listen to one side and should also trust wife...he agrees on it by smilling....also use to say that one hand cant clap alone..so there is always other other hand to do clapping....which means when two when dont meet each others expectation there will be a clash.......
later one day he said to me watching this soap serials ..that wife are so idiots, that they dont know how to handle the situation...you must never say to parents as wife wants respects for her parens husband want it to...must always talk abt issue when u both are in bedroom in privacy so he knows what he can do...if u talk in front of his parents then he obviuosly has to take part of his parents........

so know i am completely listeining his advice and have ingnored my MIL as far as i could

take care
nirmiti