In an unhappy marriage!

Hi Vijayabharti,

You are the best judge, because subtle difference between your mother's authority over you and your mother-in-law's authority over you can not be explained in words, only you can sense that.

I can see that you are in two minds, because your husband is nice to you when you are alone, but in front of your MIL he becomes a mama's boy.

Also, it depends on whether you see things improving. Are things any better than they were 6 months back? 1 year back?

So that will help decide whether you can expect to have a happy married life after some years. If things are not improving, then I personally do not see any use of being sweet to them and hoping they would change someday.

 

Dear Vijaya,
I can very well understand ur problem, because i had the same problem too. Iam a muslim , so u can very well understand how a muslim family restricts a girl on everything she does. I want u to be bold and would suggest u something here. we will do it step by step.
1. Dont give much more importance to ur husband , try to ignore him, u dont go to him for pardon everytime, if anything happens keep patience and just ignore him even ur MIL.
2. Try to search for DCF in ur location first, they will come to ur house if u call them, then they will suggest u to community support system for counselling.
3. From there they will ask ur husband to go to the counselling
4. U will see some change in him atleast

Y am i suggesting all to u this is i had the same problem like u, my husband even used to hit me all the time, i went thru all these things, i just happened recently to us too. Now i can see lot of changes in our life.

First follow these from there we will discuss other things. If u need any other help plz ask me
Get involved in ur busy professional life as much as u can, never think of remmariage, wat if the other guy is same as him. So try to change him first, it takes lot of patience and hardwork

Take care
Syed

 

Hi Vijayabharti,

Before I say something you should read my post "husband not co-operative"
I am experiencing the same problem you said except I am not working and I have a baby to take care of. I also have SILs too. That means an additional torchure. Even I tried my level best to change my DH many time I tried to talk to him and I tried to tell him that even I belong to their family and I need some space. DH responds he can never change and never say a word against them. I became a door mat and I have to change my mind rightaway and be good to everybody in the family after any fightings. I don't even have independence to cry. I don't live with my in-laws but I think thats not making any difference because DH is more scared that he lives far away from them and takes tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much care about them.

I suggest you to leave them as they are because they can never change. Good thing is he is nice with you. ENjoy that. Be nice to him. Hope I am not too rude.

 

hi
wow sailing in the same boat. i just wonder why there is so much fuss about hubbys parents. our parents are also left alone when we come out and there is no body to care for them. but only the guys parents are given importance:idontgetit:. I am married to my hubby for 5 years now and still i am secondary to him. I have two kids and i have come to the conclusion that life is like this so i try to keep myself happy by looking at my childrens faces. i just look towards a new morning when things would change. ofcourse it is frustrating but i luv my hubby and he luvs me too so i have to bear with his mum.

 

Dear Vijaya,

Now that you have decided to move out, it is a painful moment, but I hope that you make the most of this situation. Mostly marriages break because of husband's mistakes, and he should be made to pay for it. Also, this shall send strong signals to the society that women are no longer weak and will not take any non-sense from their husbands and their families.

If you want to take revenge from your husband, then you should get him arrested under dowry laws of India. If he is in USA, then the Indian police will get a red corner notice issued for him. All this is really easy these days.

Also, all this shall help build pressure on his family to give you a fair settlement amount.

If you do not need the money, you can always donate it later for a good cause but in my view, the husband has to be penalized for ruining your life.

 

Hi Vijayabharti,

I've moved your thread to this sub forum so that you can get more targeted replies to your query...

hope this helps,

Aarushi

 

Dear Vijaya,

I strongly believe that Indian laws are more favorable for women, hence re-consider your decision and drag him to court in India.

You do not have to be in India for more than a week to get a dowry case registered against him. Divorce will automatically follow with all the monetary benefits coming with it.

This will also help millions of other sisters of our country who are facing problems by their husbands and in-laws by setting up good examples.

 

I would suggest you have a face to face talk with your husband. Clearly tell him THIS IS WHAT YOU WILL TOLERATE and THIS IS WHAT YOU WON'T TOLERATE. Maybe write down before you talk the points you want to convey.
But don't make any hasty decisions of seperation or divorce. You don't want to have any regrets later.
If he's a nice guy (maybe overshadowed by mama's love right now), he'll understand. But like all other posts in IL say, don't get offensive on his parents as that takes things the wrong route and defeats the purpose of the talk.

Speak in a positive way, like "I appreciate you do this and blah blah", but there are somethings.. blah blah.