Seperated!

Hi,
I am seperated from my husband since a year. We had a lot of differences between us and I even developed health problems unable to manage his temperament. We tried councelling and his friends too helped us in re uniting. Its now 3 months since we have got back but he is not keeping up to his promises he had made. Recently he has insulted my family and me and I am deeply hurt. We are not communicating with each other for the last 2 weeks and I am thinking of a divorce. I am confused and dont know what to do? We are married for the last 6 years and dont have kids.

Hi Dear!

I can imagine the mental trauma u must be undergoing! U have been brave and taken a second shot at the relationship. All that I have to say is, u r the maker of ur destiny and u should call the shots. After all, all of us have only one life to live. Follow ur heart, and take a decision with head and heart. May god bless u!

Originally Posted by suneethaiyer

Hi,
I am seperated from my husband since a year. We had a lot of differences between us and I even developed health problems unable to manage his temperament. We tried councelling and his friends too helped us in re uniting. Its now 3 months since we have got back but he is not keeping up to his promises he had made. Recently he has insulted my family and me and I am deeply hurt. cand I am thinking of a divorce. I am confused and dont know what to do? We are married for the last 6 years and dont have kids.

Dear Suneethaiyer,

U had mentioned that "We tried councelling ."So it makes sense that both were trying to buildup the realtionship,hope u both did that without any pressures.Coming to insulting and breaking promises,it seems its only for couple of months passed u were staying together which is more than 1 yr U have lived seperately.. and "U mentioned that we are not communicating eachother from 2 weeks,So If u want your relationship to start U need patience and sincere efforts to build it and its the result doesnt comeup in a day It takes at least couple of years for budding.and it was quite difficult to suggest with limited info..and I´m sure our Ilites will come with good solutions if u provide more..

Hope It helped u little..

hugs,
dg...

hi suneetha,


if you have tried your best to work it out and can't do it any more, then i just want you to think deeply from your heart as you can only make this decision .luckily you don't have any kids to worry about the need of both parents in their life.

once in dr.phil show i heard him saying " i would be alone healthy and happy rather than unhappy and sick in a relationship".

good luck

manju

Dear Suneetha,

Before you take any decision, please weigh the pros and cons of both the situations: separation and living together.

Some questions you need to ask yourself is:
1. Would you be able to stay happy after separation? Would you miss the life with him? You should take into account all the issues you have to face from your siblings/relatives/friends after separation.

2. Would you be able to support yourself (both emotionally and financially)? Believe me, parents/siblings/relatives can support you only to some extent and for only sometime. Somewhere down the line, it is you who should look after yourself.

From the information you gave, i feel both of you are willing to try and keep up the relationship. I would advise you to be patient for a little more time and see. Even if he loses his temper, wait for sometime and after he cools down, try to put your point across, though very gently. Dont get frustrated if he doesnt listen to you or see your point. I know it is very easy to say but very hard to follow. But dear, if it shows positive results it would be well worth the effort.

Also changing oneself takes a lot of time and effort. Please give him and yourself some time to adjust to each other. I feel 3 months is a short time to come to any conclusion. Wish you the best for your future.

Dear Suneetha,

I don't know if you have given more details elsewhere. I would like to know your age, qualifications and your career status. Those things are very important when you are trying to decide your future course. Which means that unless you are old enough - read mature enough - and financially independent, you will not be in a good enough position to decide .

Even more important, what exactly are the differences between the two of you? If they are small temperamental things, you should be able to talk to each other and if at all there is any love between you and physical compatibility, you should be able to work things out.

But, if after 6 years of marriage and an engineered reconciliation later, you are still not communicating , it may be time to take a hard look at your marriage and at yourselves. If there are serious personality differences or other issues, you should be aware of what you will be letting yourself in for if you decide to break up and be sure of parental support , and if that is not there, you should be certain that you are strong enough to stand on your own feet, emotionally and physically. Any support from your family will be a bonus but the bottomline must be that you have to rely on yourself. That said, since you have already spent 6 years of your life in this relationship, do not delay matters too much. Set a time limit for yourself, say another 6 months, give it your all, then make a decision. You either have a happy marriage or a broken one, but be true to yourself. It is good that you do not have children to consider. Make sure that you don't become pregnant till you have come to a decision. Don't fall for the line that having a baby will mend the marriage.

My best wishes to you.

Hi Suneetha

How are you now and how is your relationship.I can advise you one important thing, when things are around but difficult have a little patience, may be take a break from work , attend some meditation classes or divert yourself.Dont make decisions in haste,relax yourself and think , understand what you are chosing because as other members said, once you make a decision neither siblings or family members may or may not support you.So you have to be strong in what you want and to reach other destination are you ready to face all the challenges.Dont stay with him for others life is to enjoy every moment but try living without him for a month even court gives you an year time before you get the divorce.

So think if staying away makes lot of difference.Not talking for 2 weeks is so common in families because of something or other.Dont make that a reason to separate.Are you sincerely interested in separating from him.You might separate yourself from him physically but having lived with hi for 7yrs youare emotionally attached to him.You will feel that absence only after everything is gone.

So if you want to separate be strong and bold , else try to take a little more steps than your husband and work on making it a good relationship.

all the best and do post an update

gayatri

Hey Suneetha,

Please discuss with your close friends. In IL, we can give you lot of advices, but only your best friends can say which one would suit the best based on your characters / true situations. Fortunately, you did not have any kids to look at these things happening between you and your husband. Whatever is the decision, take soon. Dont let the factors such as parents, siblings to influence your decision. This is your life, and the decision you take is only for your happiness atleast peacefulness. .All the best.

I feel it is really really difficult to give any suggestions, because you have not mentioned what problems you have in your relationship. It is very easy to break a relationship, but it is difficult to keep up one. So before you make any write down on paper, what are the advantages / disadvantages of living with your husband. Think leisurely and write down all what you feel, then it is easy to decide.

Here it would be unfair to come to a conclusion without more details. So maybe you can write more details. I am sorry I didn't read your other posts to know if you have given any other details.

Cheer up
Amitha

I saw your introduction posting wherein you have told that you are 38years old. Okay sweety, listen up. You have mentioned that you are in Bangalore. A couple of my friends have gone for counselling to St. Johns Hospital in Bangalore for their marital problems. And they went alone, not with their husbands. The idea here is to troubleshoot the problem yourself, without giving any idea to the husband that you are trying to do something. Here the doctors will listen and give you ideas for handling the situation from your end. So maybe you can give that a try, if you are planning to save the marriage. I know St. Johns is not that great looking hospital, but my experience with the doctors there has been wonderful. Maybe you can give it a try.

Amitha