Embracing your loneliness.

The pillows are wet again. And you are accustomed to the bizarre feeling that creeps in. You curse underneath for having woken up to another morning. You look around for some signs of motivation. None. You know you do not have much to choose from either. Strangely, thesuperstitions that you mocked as a girl some time back seems to hit back at you. You are skeptical about going out to pick the milk packets and newspaper. O god. I have seen her early morning. A feeble grumble by the aunt downstairs. You see the middle aged man stop when he sees you and go in for a glass of water.

You brush it off faking yourself. You that you will rise above all these and their opinions about your current state do not hamper you. You try not the young couple going for a morning walk, the toddler singing happily to his mom in the lawns, the elderly couple relaxing near the fountains. You say to yourself that you are not feeling pained by the loneliness you go through.
Coffee. Breakfast, lunch; everything has to be cooked for one. You know you are alone. Post marriage and most importantly after separation, even your parents feel different about you. You are a lonely soul.

You feel nervous watching romantic plays, hearing breezy songs and start yourself pity tale over again.
The sight of marriage receptions and managal melam makes you cry abruptly.
The blame game never ends and the recollection of the distasteful spats and fights prop over. You start analyzing things which were beyond your limitations.

You are worried at the question about your personal life at office. You wiggle out of any marriage reception invites as though it is destined. It’s been long since a parlor visit or a shopping was scheduled and self empathy required untamed hair and unmatched clothing. You deactivitated facebook unable to see any of your friends being happy in the selfies. You change your twitter handle. Motivation for professional excellence is touching ground zero as you self debate the need of one even. You think like an 80 year old and keep murmuring to your brain that your life has come to an unceremonious end after all.

You expect everybody to be sympathetic and nice to you. You demand for better treatment amongst siblings citing that you have faced lot more struggles than them. You vow that you will achieve big than what you can. You strongly advocate to yourself that this personal loss should be compensated by a huge success by some means. You expect things to be so good the moment you get your divorce papers the reason being, you are divorced or separated.

I have faced it enough. I ought to get the best in my life henceforth. You keep telling yourself. You imagine days when you will be successful and show it to this world that you are indeed the best. You expect people to repent for your divorce.
Everyone.

You say that you are one of the strongest for having dared to walk of an abusive /adultery marriage. You want to pat your brave and bold move. You want everyone to appreciate and sympathies with you. The more they lament on you, the more you feel confident about your decisions. You want the whole world to cry on your marriage and the whole world to give a special treatment.

No. It is not going to work out that way. You have taken a conscious decision which many women do not take. YES. But it is your decision. You need to be very clear on that. You cannot expect every other person to be empathetic because you have a troubled marriage.
The real braveness starts in accepting the failure. Yes it is. But that does not stop you from being happy. You can and you should. You must feel righteous to wear beautiful dresses and spend on your fitness. It is unfair and unrealistic to expect parents, siblings and friends to give you more attention and time. No they won’t.

You make your time for yourself. Sadly in many parts of India, women do not actually know what to do alone.

Libraries- The best place to be you. Books have the enigmatic capability to empower you and enlighten you. Cuddle this bundle of knowledge.

Pets- Nothing more like the pets. You know you can truly rely on them/

Greens. - Nature has been introduced in desktop wallpapers. Soil your hands and pluck the first fruit of your sweat. You will know what happiness is.

Professional Growth: In India. Almost 80% women get married between 24-26. That is when they are at the peak of their career. You must be in your early 30’s or late 20’s. Best time to work on creating an identity professionally. It would be enormously challenging to be alone and answer all odd questions of friends. Never the less, work in your career. Do your Masters. Learn languages, Drive around. Learn Swimming. Learn Yoga. Learn to stitch your salwars. Learn embroidery or painting. Start blogging.

And finally, stop thinking about the same old circle of family; You have so many in this world, who are living a tough life much to your dismay. Look at the specially disabled. Orphans. Old aged abandoned. Poor and needy. Under privileged. Illiterates. Labours. So many of them around who can benefit the time you have.
Spend time with them. Talk to them. Lot of blind schools encourages people to come and read a book. The old age homes will make you understand what love is. Try it.

It is unwise to crib about the past and fumble with the future by simply complaining and whining. No. Nothing will change. Don’t expect over night miracles. Embrace the fact that you are lonely and enjoy the new found freedom. There is no point in whining on the “have not’s”. Start appreciating the “haves”.

If there is somebody who can make you happy, it is you. Stay detached with everything and everyone. That way you do not expect anything from them. And always remember you do not need sympathy. As you are just another normal person who can face life with a smile.

 

Thanks Soundarya