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Life post divorce from an Indian mom's perspective

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by desilady13, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello All - Maddy, Anusuya, and others...I was gone for quite some time readjusting to my new life and things are working out okay so far. My son is growing up fast, and I feel I am steady now with things going on in my life now that it's almost going to be a year soon since I have been legally divorced as well. There are however some days when I sort of go into a rewind mode and then let it be, and come back quickly again to normalcy. Having my baby around me makes me feel a lot better, thankfully.

    Below is small piece I wrote and thinking of making a submission to a couple of sites or blogs so that people read it me know that everything is going to be okay. If you women know of other places I send my submission let me know. I have realized a lot of things, we simply need to find others who went through the same thing and know that things will always work out for the best as long as you are retrospective and working on yourself as well. Here is what is wrote...

    Life post-divorce from an Indian Mom’s perspective

    Going through a divorce made me a better person. It made me a better practical parent too. It taught me what really was important to me in life through perspective – appreciating what is still left and what relationships actually meant to me. It however took me a while to come out of my shell. Fear of being judged, a big hit on my self-esteem when I lost most of my Indian friends, and finding my new identity of being a newly single divorced Indian mom were just some of the things that kept running through my head constantly. I was married for 7 long years after all.

    The time had come when I had to update my health insurance at work by checking the ‘change in life event status’ box – and tears were just dripping away through my eyes uncontrollably. But of course I had to hide them in public, I did not want anybody to know what I was going through – I had to show I am strong, I can do this, I got this. To date I have never understood why I have to select ‘marital status’ box every time I went to the doctor’s office – I have my own insurance, then why in the world do they care about my marital status? Why does my status matter so much?

    Despite all that, I repeat – divorce made me a better and a stronger person. I somehow started to find happiness slowly in ‘things’, experiences and in people I never knew existed. It made realize a lot of it was simply in my head. Not everyone judges you as much as you judge yourself. I started meeting new people, signed up for every interesting class and tried to pursue every hobby that I thought could be fun, went running/hiking with new groups, joined a gym and pretty much did everything I could think of to keep myself busy and distracted. I started to be more independent and in control of my decisions. Not that I was not an independent person earlier, I very much was – financially, and otherwise plus also spoke my mind out often explicitly as well. But the problem was - I was and still am a little traditional in my thinking. Let me explain what that means from an Indian cultural perspective. I valued and cared for my husband deeply. Come what may, we are in this together, is how I saw it. I had an arranged marriage at a very young age. I met my ex once before we got engaged, spoke online for 4 months and then got married. Weddings are always a huge affair in India. The slokas a priest repeats during the ceremony – “Mangalyam Thanthunanena mama jeevana hethuna Kante badhnami subhake sanjeeva sarathas satham” meaning - “This is a sacred thread which helps in keeping me alive. I am placing this around your neck so that you can live happily for a hundred years” had a deep meaning in my traditional head, just like wedding vows do mean something in a non-Indian marriage – the promise of togetherness for eternity, the happily ever after, until death do us apart kind.

    There were many times during the course of my marriage I realized – I am not actually happy. I had a good job, a house, a yard, plenty of friends, but there was still something missing. I never realized how much I was giving in without getting what I wanted back –which is respect and trust. I started realizing, in reality – Love is never unconditional. There is always an expectation - to receive something back. There is a simple saying I read once that goes along these lines – “Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you”. Being able to trust someone that much is an expectation. It cannot be unconditional. Marriage they say is a promise made to each other where you both start out with an empty ‘box’. The more you give/put in, the more you get. Applies to both people equally. And if this isn’t happening, something is wrong. And in my case, I got to realize this only after having my child.


    Coming from the eastern society – divorce is not common especially after having a kid. I know no one in my immediate or extended family who went through a divorce. It just doesn’t happen as much. It’s almost like news, where you hear about ‘cases’ here and there. Women are meant to stay and make things work regardless of what they go through. I had some of my friends tell me to my face – ‘you have to adjust for the sake of your child. Life is not great post-divorce either and unfortunately a woman really doesn’t have great chances to get remarried either since most Indian men aren’t that broad minded even today. There is no one out there who will accept you with a child’. I do have some cousins who are still living in situations where nonsensical patriarchy is very much an everyday thing. Along with finding your own identity if you do decide to go through the divorce route, most Asian women also deal with backslash from their own community and relatives. Understanding visitations, legal connotations, what single parenting means, how to begin dating post-divorce – I stumbled, learnt my lessons, and finally began to slowly but steadily navigate myself through it all.

    There was also a point during that time when I started to question faith and my religious upbringing and if it had any meaning. Divorce was never part of my plan. Our parents had even got our horoscopes matched. We were a perfect match! This was never supposed to happen. Get married young, have kids by 30, own a house, a good job – everything was supposed to be perfect. To help myself find answers, I started going to churches, started reading about Buddhism, started writing and reading a LOT, maintained a journal, spoke to many women who went through similar experiences and started networking hugely. What helped me ultimately get through post-divorce was talking with other like-minded women, meeting more single parents, getting out of my shell and making friends who were not judgmental and who took the time from their lives to listen, help and simply be there for me. I also owe a lot to my parents and family who stood rock solid by me whenever I needed them for advice or to simply be there to help with my daily tasks. And it’s because of the friends I started making and my family - I still believe in angels and God’s mysterious ways of making things work for us when you least expect it.

    A friend of mine told me once, “You are like a pendulum with your mood swings many days”. I was taken aback for quite some time and it sure hit me hard. It however made me realize that I am a human with feelings and there are days when I still very much yearn for a complete family – more kids running around and a full house.

    Wedding vows still have an important meaning in my life. And I still believe that my prince charming will show up one day. Only that, my version of prince charming is now different from what it was when I was in my 20’s. To my son and if tomorrow, I have a girl - I know that I will try and teach them to believe in themselves and be confident from the beginning. It’s okay to make mistakes as well. To my girl - believe that your prince charming does exist, and even dream about him – but take it from me, he is not supposed to only be tall, dark and handsome, there is so much more to a person than that. Be financially independent and that is number one. Never let a boy treat you bad and never wait for someone to come rescue you. You can alone do that. Don’t be afraid to walk away from something that doesn’t feel right. And to my boy – Be that sensitive man who knows what empathy means growing up. Always treat a woman with respect and love. And weather my dreams will come true, only time can tell. I however sincerely hope this new chapter in my life - is not far away!
     
    sindmani, maya9876, lvarada and 16 others like this.
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  2. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    There was a time when my source of inspirations was all from reading biographies of people that I admired but as I grow older I feel more inspired by everyday people who come into my life one way or other.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, life can be hard post divorce especially from an Indian perspective but those that are not afraid to do the hard things are truly inspirational. Marriage vows mean a lot but so does your self respect and dignity. I am proud of you that you retained those and are a good example of dignity to your little boy.

    I do hope that you too get your happy ending too....that one day your prince charming does come in your life but until then you are still happy and fulfilled and living your life with no regrets.
     
  3. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Kudo strong woman! Its not an easy journey but I am glad that you have grown stronger and realized that a 'companion' is not a must in this journey of life. Your Kid will see a strong mother and I am sure as a grown up, your little one will respect themselves and other women. Once again, awesome !!
     
    sindmani and desilady13 like this.
  4. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    You did the right thing and it takes courage to stand up for yourself and for your kid. By god's grace you will definitely get a good life partner .
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    You are one strong woman. Good to know that you are feeling more content now.
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @desilady13 - I always admired you for your courage to walk away and start from scratch.
    Somewhere out there exists a man who can complement you, not complete you because you are already a complete woman.
    Out there is this guy who is going to be very lucky to have you in his life. You have gone through all this to get to him.
    We don't know if he is white or black or Asian or American but you will know when he happens that he is the one.
    I'm glad you have moved on and found better friends. You know what, I was going through a rough time last year and someone told me you will now find out who your true friends are. It's very true, those people who are there for you today are the ones who are your friends. Forget the rest, they are not worth your friendship!

    You are a wonderful mom and a great human being. I have no idea why God gives trials and tribulations to people randomly but Id like to think he does stay alongside guiding them in those troubled times.

    I'm glad to read this update, even if things are tough you are staying positive and making the best out of what you have. What more can we ask for in life?

    Good Luck for the future.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. Denni

    Denni Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    You are in the right track. Your story certainly gives hope to people who are struggling after divorce. I am glad everything is working out fine for you and please stay positive as you are now .....forever.

    God Bless you and your little one.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I really liked those words. What a piece of advice!!!

    Dear @Desilady13

    I see your prince charming coming your way to make a complete family with you. I see your son and future daughter play together while you both watch them with full of happiness. And all this should happen in no time. Good luck.

    PS: One of my best friend, who went through a tough divorce in 2012 is now married to a best person on earth. She is currently enjoying her honeymoon. I remember reading her FB status a couple of days back as "having the best time ever in my life with my love".

    The same girl bent over backward only to secure her psycho ex husband, who emotionally and physically tortured her since marriage. She was an emotional fool, that she felt divorce is equal to end of marriage. Though her parents and siblings were really supportive, she just could not able to see a life without her ex then.
    As a result, she lost her weight, peace, abilities and desires, her job, money and what not. But as she wanted, she just could not secure his love.

    Now after leaving him, the first few months were very hard. But she slowly came out of her shell. Started working, and paying more attention to full-fill her desire in singing-releasing albums.
    Her going-out itself showed a huge difference in her appearance. With proper self care, less stress and more sleep she was emerged as a beautiful, young and talented woman with sweet voice and words. Everyone started liking her positive approach for who she is. Thus no one really cared about her marital status.

    Not that she was never insulted by the mean people for the fact that she is a young divorcee. But she took them as complements, and moved on. Like you, she became more spiritual. Stopped hating people or be negative.

    Now that she saw her prince charming at her office as a co-staff. A never married young guy, who was fell for her good character, beauty and specially for her sweet voice/words.
    His family also fell for her charming character as they knew her as their son's bestie for sometimes.

    Somehow their marriage happened in a very grand-manner just like that. So, believe me, there is a life after divorce. Perhaps that is the real life that is meant to be.
     
    sindmani and hrastro like this.

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