1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Any chance of remarriage? Feeling hopeless!!

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by divyanka555, Feb 16, 2015.

  1. divyanka555

    divyanka555 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I am a divorced Indian woman living in an Indian metro city. I am in my late 20's and my marriage had lasted just over a few months before I decided I simply couldn't handle the torture and abuse of my husband and in-laws. No kids. I am foreign educated, have strong financial background and believe I am above average in looks (not trying to brag or anything). However, I am starting to lose hope of ever finding a second husband. Every man I have dated thus far has turned out to be closed-minded and averse to the idea of marrying a divorcee. Moreover, whenever they hear about my failed marriage, they put me in an altogether different category and see me as a "sex object" of some sort. Kindly note, I have deliberately refused to enter into any sort of sexual relationship with anyone after my separation. I don't want to get into any risky situations. I also haven't been jumping from one man to another. I leave a lot of time gap between dating different men. And when I do decide to date someone, I wouldn't prefer to go beyond non-sexual activities until and unless we have reached an advanced level of commitment or otherwise ready for marriage.

    Anyway the latest dating episode has seriously left me feeling hopeless and depressed. He is a PhD student at his university, a few years senior to me, and still unmarried and single since he isn't financially established yet. He's the classic tall, dark and handsome type whom girls go crazy over and everyone wants to date/marry. Funny and humorous as well. He comes from lower middle class background, but it didn't matter to me. He's really ambitious and hardworking. Moreover, he gave off the impression of being a really realistic and broad-minded guy at first, though a tad bit opinionated and judgmental.

    Anyway we started dating casually. Of course I was careful not to go crazy over him or fixate upon the idea of having him as my future husband at such an early stage, but saw a potential partner in him. I just wanted to see how it goes, and if things could possibly evolve into something meaningful between us. After all, his family and friends are also pushing him to get married.
    Anyway after a couple of months of dating, I decided to tell him regarding my earlier marriage and divorce. I did it with the purpose of both confiding in him and also coming clear about my past. I was met with a mixture of shock and disgust on his end! He stated that while he respects my decisions of leaving an abusive marriage, I must also realise and accept the fact that no Indian man worth his salt will ever want to marry me after this. After all, according to him, why would any educated and self-respecting man choose me when he has thousands and millions of "fresh" and "never before married" girls to choose from? Don't know if these words of his represented just his own mentality or those of Indians in general, but he kept stressing that he was talking about society in general. He loudly kept stressing that as a divorced Indian female, my value in the Indian marriage market is ZERO... no matter how beautiful, well educated, financially stable and clean-charactered I am. Moreover, he even said that in contrast to me, my ex-husband would have no problems finding a dearth of brides after this, no matter how unattractive he is....even if he isn't rich enough....even though he is a divorcee....even if he has a record of beating up his ex-wife..etc...etc....all because he is MALE. See, by now I had started seeing this guy as a friend, had shared lots of fun times with him, saw him as a confidante etc. But these demoralizing words of his made my world crumble and moved me to tears after keeping myself strong for a very long period of time! He then harshly told me to stop crying like a baby, and to instead accept the fact that I am officially doomed and have no options than to spend the rest of my life as a "wh*re", since no man would officially make me his wife and I would have no other option besides resorting to temporary sexual relationships with different men because ultimately I would crave physical intimacy which is natural.


    Since then, he had been constantly trying to persuade me to go over to the pg accommodation where he lives, so that we may get physically intimate in his room. He keeps saying that I have no other option, and that should completely give up hopes of finding a 2nd husband. He kept saying "Just believe me. I am older and more realistic than you. I have mixed and mingled with a wide array of people in my lifetime and still continue to do so. I know Indian society for what it is!"
    I kept refusing his sexual advances. He became colder and colder towards me. Ultimately one day he picked a huge fight over a really petty issue out of the blue, rubbed my failures into my face, blocked me everywhere and cut all contacts.

    My question is, are his words correct? Are all Indian men really so much shallow-minded and averse to the idea of marrying a divorcee female? Am I really such a detestable creature? Why do people assume that a divorcee would not make a good life partner? By nature I am really loving, caring, adjustable, respectful of elders etc. I even treat casual friends with extreme compassion and kindness... the latest boyfriend no less. I had even cooked his favourite food once, to give him a surprise treat!
    I had dated just one other guy before this one, post divorce. Even he had SAME mentality as the latest one, yet is an educated professional etc. Friends, please advise me. Is there really no hope for me?
     
    3 people like this.
    Loading...

  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    23,659
    Likes Received:
    27,217
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    @OP my answer is no. i say this marriages that happened recently in my known circle.

    one..

    he is known to us., he was never married, settled has a small business and was in the late 30. the lady was a divorcee with a 8 year old son, with dependent parents and a not so good financial state. the guy married this lady, has adopted the son, he took the son on the honeymoon, and has put him a better school, and moved the whole family closer to the school even if it means renting a flat when he has one just 2 kms away. just to say, there are understanding never married men who do marry divorcees. just because the cat closes its eyes does not mean the world is dark..there are wonderful men out there who do not label a divorcee or a widow.

    two.. she is divorcee, and he was a widower. they married and are now happy with a kid and half.

    I know of another lady who walked out of a abusive marriage with a 2 month old son, and remarried when the boy was 4. now the boy is 18 adopted by the stepfather and they don't have any more kids. they are happy.

    do not be manipulated or depressed because of some x stray comments to pull your morale down. your mr.right is out there and you are sure to get him.
     
    13 people like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    No Op...not all men are scumbags like your friends.
    I know very few divorced women ...most of them are remarried.
    You just happened to meet the worst opportunists.
    This scumbag was probably putting you down so much to break your spirits completely so you would get physical with him without expectations of marriage.I bet he is not the kind to marry a woman after sleeping with her whether divorced or not.

    Some of the blame also lies with you to continue being his friend after seeing the filth in his head. Please work on your self esteem and confidence.....you need it or else you will keep being 'eyed' by these cheap opportunistic guys.

    Good wishes Op.....Hope you find a gentleman worthy of you soon.
     
    23 people like this.
  4. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,489
    Likes Received:
    2,031
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    This really rotten guy has decided you are an easy target and is psychologically manipulating you. Thank God you see his colors before you do something permanent with him. Why you even kept contact after the initial outburst...please reflect on that so you don't do it again. Really, this guy would be a 100% bastard to be married to.

    As to your question, there are modern broad minded Indian men that you can marry. Don't give up but don't put all your wishes in it. Just live normally until it happens.
     
    11 people like this.
  5. JanSri

    JanSri Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    69
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    The simplest answer to your question is 'Yes' you will be married and be happy one day. Cut off all the opportunists once you realise them for what they are. Like some other responses have quoted divorced persons with children are happily remarried.Take care. This too shall pass.
     
    6 people like this.
  6. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,211
    Likes Received:
    13,034
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    You seem to have landed two bad eggs in a row. I don't believe that such regressive ideas are characteristic of the average urban, educated, Indian male. Just to add to the pool of anecdotal evidence, I know three couples, a mix of divorcées and previously unmarried men and women, some with kids, who are happily married second time around.

    A tiny piece of advice, only to avoid heartache, is to disclose your divorcée status within the first date or two. This will prevent either party from having unrealistic expectations from the incipient relationship.
     
    5 people like this.
  7. vidhyabaskar

    vidhyabaskar Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    770
    Likes Received:
    281
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    On the first meeting itself, you should disclose your divorcee status in unambiguous words to the men who express interest in you. Had you done that way, these men who think divorced women are sexual objects could have been easily identified by you. You could have shunned them away, creating heartache for them, instead of you landing up in one !

    Be assured, not all Indian men have the same attitude !
     
    13 people like this.
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, the guy you have spoken about is an effing jerk. He has exhibited so many red flags and has really pulled your selfesteem super low. Well done losing the loser. In case you had been working together you ought to have slapped a sexual harassment case on him.

    now, what do you mean by date? Are you talking about just hanging out as friends or are you talking about actually going out with the (semi?!)explicit intention of dissing each other out as marriage material?

    If you are hanging out as friends, there is no reason to disclose anything. If at any point you sense it getting beyond that(wait for the guy to ask) with your head held high, with loads of attitude, inform him that you were married for a couple of months but things didn't work out due to abuse. (Seriously practice your disclosure in front of the mirror a few times. Make sure you get the intonation and body language right) Nothing more in necessary. Any guy worth his salt ought to not back off. If he backs out due to social-conditioning/ spinelessness / jerk factor, good riddance.

    PS: I started counting the number of successful remarriages I personally know of in the indian circle a couple of weeks ago. The number was in the teens...

    Chin up, girl. You wouldn't need to weed out a lot of frogs. Xx
     
    11 people like this.
  9. Bublus

    Bublus New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    hi divya dont feel bad.dont bother about any thing. one day u will find a good person with lots of love :)
     
    2 people like this.
  10. lakr

    lakr New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    So sorry that you had to go thru this. That guy is a jerk. He can never ever talk to you like that. Good things will happen to you soon. Go thru proper marriage portals with the consent of your parents. I have heard many successful stories that way.
     
    2 people like this.

Share This Page