Any chance of remarriage? Feeling hopeless!!

divyanka555 · Feb 21, 2015

Viswamitra said: ↑

Dear Divya,

I am sorry to know that you went through a difficult divorce at such an young age followed by two bitter experiences dating Indian men. I could not believe my eyes when I read the sentence, "why would any educated and self-respecting man choose me when he has thousands and millions of "fresh" and "never before married?" said by a crazy-headed guy. We are living in the 21st century and you deserve much better than that.

You have excellent education, strong financial background and most importantly a great look, three elements that makes young men attracted to you. My humble suggestion is to stay calm and become stronger as an individual. You keep building your own strengths as a single woman for the time being. There will be a time for you to find a compatible man who has the ability to understand what happened to you was an accident.

Frankly, one-up relationships never work in a marriage and I believe the men you met after your divorce are making you feel inferior to gain advantage out of a relationship. They think a woman who is divorced will have to be subservient to gain another relationship as they failed in their first marriage. This is sheer male-chauvinism requires condemnation up front. They are trying to set up your expectation so low right up front to gain from a relationship. Those tricks should never be encouraged and should be severely dealt with. The fact is lack of compatibility can happen to anyone and a divorce is never a fault of one individual. In your case, your ex-husband was abusive and does not deserve you. Build up a lot of courage to stand up alone until you find a match who treats you as equal. I believe such an opportunity is round the corner and you are young enough to wither that storm period. Unless someone accepts who you really are instead of analyzing your past, you need to wait for the right opportunity.

Let the beacon emit light because it is its nature and let the relation(ships) find it to get home. You stand tall unaffected by the storm and the relation(ships) will find you.

God bless you.

Viswa
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Thank you so much, Viswa. Yes, my marriage was a traumatic experience since Day 1 almost, and subsequently led to an even more difficult divorce. You've touched upon a few very important points which had indeed been bothering me so much in life. One is that a girl like me is expected to be subservient and take the sh*t of people in order to be accepted by them, just because I am divorcee. Really, I have always been made to feel that way, even with my ex-H. See, not only had he always abused and tormented me, but he seriously also made me feel as if he did me a great favour by marrying me, even though HE had no grounds of saying that, since he was my first. All of the men I have encountered next are surprisingly similar! I just have to break this trend of falling for the same type of guy!

Ever since my divorce I have somewhat gone into a shell and don't even prefer to tell the truth about my marital status to most people. I fear that the slightest tussle or fallout with ANYONE, whether it's a friend or a guy I am dating, might cause them to rub my past onto my face and say something like "See, this is why you're divorced." For that reason I am even unable to be assertive.

Both of the men I have dated after my divorce have made me feel that my personality is to blame for my divorce, simply when all I did was say a strict NO to any of their unfair demands or put-downs, or called them out on their dishonesty. It's so tough! I am surrounded by 99.9% of these types of people here where I live, seemingly.

But I am working on myself. Working on becoming stronger, more confident, more content etc.

ChennaiExpress · Feb 21, 2015

My elderly father who has old mentality (you can read my previous posts at leisure) even told me this one thing. Most normal people would rather go for an older, used, high-quality car like Mercedes Benz, than fresh, brand new, never used Toyota Corolla. Similar thing applies to man getting wife, even an old-fashioned Indian male.

See, God's blessings can beat out the old-fashioned mentality. In old days, all women had was their reputation, and knowledge of household tasks. Now things are different .......

I am learning to think of myself has high-quality, slightly used, but still shiny Mercedes Benz. And I think younger guys like older women with pizzaz, and most younger guys have never been married, so they are the fresh ones.

How times and circumstances turns the tables????

The healing takes time. I find myself cycling between sadness, exuberance, and even sheer anger (I imagine myself being mean and disrespectful to relatives and new people I will meet for matrimonial, and I pray to God to calm me down).

Ok, back to my hobbies now .......

1Sandhya · Feb 21, 2015

divyanka555 said: ↑

Actually no, I am not desperate to get married, though everyone is pushing me. I am free and bindaas, and I was so even when I had come across this guy. This time I want to work on myself and truly take my time.
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You are on the right track here. Stick to your guns. Marriage is a consensual deal, so dont get pushed into it.

Yes, I completely agree with you. I wish not being married ever was an option since it would only mean a few more years of peace, but unfortunately my parents are slowly becoming more and more desperate. I guess these are the double standards of Indian parents. Mine are educated and highly qualified, and have raised me to be independent and to do my own thing. And yet they can't stand the idea of me being unmarried for much longer! It's even giving them sleepless nights, in spite of me constantly assuring them that I am happy this way and want things to take place naturally. They want to see me married, even though I haven't even recovered fully from my past wounds!
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As for your parents, try to dissect why they are doing this. More likely they are wondering 'what will happen to you after we are gone', 'how long can you remain single and not 'settled' and the like. Parents often feel their 'duty' is not complete till dd is married off safely. OP, These are normal parental type fears. It is up to you to bring them out of this kind of mindset, show them you can and will take care of yourself, that you are most capable of it and that it is a better outcome than being unhappy married off to some abusive person. so try to address the concerns behind their pushing and get rid of their worries one by one instead of simply reacting to their pushing by saying yes.

divyanka555 · Feb 21, 2015

HasteRaho said: ↑

It sounds like you need to expand your circle past wherever you are coming across these men (whether that's from online, a university, work or community)......

This just goes to show that you never truly know someone until you know them deeply enough as you witnessed first hand. People are good at projecting an image to the world, to their friends, and to their families. Then there's this completely different side you get to know of them when you're considering them as a partner. I've come across guys who seemed smart, ambitious, mature and righteous only to find that they carried incredible egos and double standards. They mistake themselves to be god's gift to the world, and especially to women. shakehead

Even if things didn't go as you would've liked them to and even if you were met with hostility, please remember that you did the right thing by being transparent about your past. He clearly wasn't there for your best interests otherwise after his shock had subsided, he would have appreciated you being honest with him and for how difficult it must have been for you to open up to him about that.

And this is where you need to be thankful about witnessing his reaction and dodging a bullet. In fact, had i been in your shoes, I would've been very tempted to say "Okay, so this is why you're single" because OP, can you imagine any woman being happily married to a man who believes men alone are entitled to happiness, that they can treat women however, and still be granted second chances? He was no man, OP, and please don't let his opinions represent the opinions of all other "indian men" because not all men are like that. Can you imagine a man like this being a father?

I've witnessed a few folks who had troubled first marriages, but they focused on themselves and found happiness in their second marriage.....

And please, for the love of god, don't taint the word friendship by calling this man your friend. He was anything but. He was only taking advantage by playing with your emotions and feelings of vulnerability. The day you let men like him know that you're not sorry about your past and what he mistakingly perceives as "failures," is the day he stops using it to exploit you. His behavior only goes to show that he is not a man, but a selfish coward, that can face nor embrace the realities of the world nor care about others. You did not fail, OP. You were dealt a tough experience that you tried to work with, but were strong and determined enough to come out of it. Be happy you did that and don't let that ever be labeled "a weakness" when it is, in fact, opposite.

Be glad he's out of your life. Next time you encounter someone like him, remove him from your life immediately. You don't need people like that. Indian society is evolving and not all men are so shallow. If you let people use your past against you, they will. The key is to accept your past, accept you did what you had to do, and that you tried your best to do the right things. You have nothing to feel sorry about and you won't settle for anything less than what you deserve...which is happiness and love.......

For the time being, focus on yourself and if this man continues to bother you, I would consider taking legal action against him (as guesswho rightly suggested)...especially if he genuinely believes himself to be "so above it all" and treats other women like this.
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HasteRaho said: ↑

In the unlikely even you should encounter him (or anyone else like him) and they react that way, please refrain from tears and rather, unleash a can of whoop-sassiness.
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Thank you so much, HasteRaho! Excellent replies. You've given some wonderful advice which I will follow. You've even touched upon some valuable points which I totally agree with. The world is indeed full of hypocrites...I couldn't agree more!! Believe me when I say that this guy has such an impressive presence on Facebook and social media, is well liked by his peers, is the go-to person for advice for boys and girls alike, is working towards womens empowerment and conducting lots of research on it, has supposedly helped many of his female friends get out of abusive marriages/relationships and is like a confidante and protector to them. Therefore it came as the biggest shock to me that a guy of that type would have such narrow-minded views... although he kept asserting that those views were not his at all, but rather of Indian society in general. I mean, I could have used that line you suggested ("Ok, I know now why you're single") on him but thing is, he was pretending that those ominous predictions of his didn't reflect his own views but rather society in general. He was trying his best to sound like a wellwisher who was simply trying to educate me! There was no way I could have used a sassy attitude either. Since day 1 whenever I tried to be assertive, he suppressed that in me and told me not to behave with an attitude like that, as that would only chase away "true friends and wellwishers" (like him, supposedly) from my life!

Can I imagine a man like this being a father? Yes, surprisingly I can. My own father is exactly the same....abusive, narcissistic, small minded, misogynistic, arrogant etc. Because of him, I have had a highly troubled and traumatic childhood, and grew up with extremely low self esteem. Leaving my abusive husband meant returning home to my abusive father once again! You said to remove these types of people away from my life right away. Right now I am trying my best to come out of the clutches of my dad, by working more on my financial independence and career. I feel that should be my first step, and would solve most ongoing problems (so sorry, in case I sound like namak haram daughter of my parents!).

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I will try my best not to consider myself a failure anymore. Only I know how much strength and courage it took me to leave my abusive marriage! I was always a one-man woman and married my husband for love only, and still cannot digest the fact that I have been through a divorce!
I am obviously no longer in contact with my latest "jerk" anymore, as I mentioned in my first post. He cut all contacts and blocked me everywhere. He lives and studies in a different city, btw. Yes I miss some of his jokes and funny antics, but whatever..! I'm moving forward.

nuss · Feb 21, 2015

divyanka555 said: ↑

Thank you so much, Viswa. Yes, my marriage was a traumatic experience since Day 1 almost, and subsequently led to an even more difficult divorce. You've touched upon a few very important points which had indeed been bothering me so much in life. One is that a girl like me is expected to be subservient and take the sh*t of people in order to be accepted by them, just because I am divorcee. Really, I have always been made to feel that way, even with my ex-H. See, not only had he always abused and tormented me, but he seriously also made me feel as if he did me a great favour by marrying me, even though HE had no grounds of saying that, since he was my first. All of the men I have encountered next are surprisingly similar! I just have to break this trend of falling for the same type of guy!

Ever since my divorce I have somewhat gone into a shell and don't even prefer to tell the truth about my marital status to most people. I fear that the slightest tussle or fallout with ANYONE, whether it's a friend or a guy I am dating, might cause them to rub my past onto my face and say something like "See, this is why you're divorced." For that reason I am even unable to be assertive.

Both of the men I have dated after my divorce have made me feel that my personality is to blame for my divorce, simply when all I did was say a strict NO to any of their unfair demands or put-downs, or called them out on their dishonesty. It's so tough! I am surrounded by 99.9% of these types of people here where I live, seemingly.

But I am working on myself. Working on becoming stronger, more confident, more content etc.
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OP- This is the underlying problem! You need to work on your confidence and self-respect. A divorce didn't make you any less than your peers/ buddies/potential dates. If anything, you might have learned from your experience. Once you accept the reality and start talking about your divorce openly in a way that you convey to people that though it was a bad phase of your life, you don't let this one bad phase in your life define yourself/ your life.

How long have you been divorced? How long after your divorce these "rebounds" happened (I am saying rebound because it seems to me you haven't come out of pain of divorce yet and trying to fill that void).

When I finally decided to separate and filed for divorce, it was hard for me to accept the truth. After I got my decree, I felt that I was free and it was done. Since that day, I held my head high and never let anyone made me feel a lesser human being. People showed pity, I smiled and told them I was very happy. People tried to take advantage, I gave them the look that told them, "I was not available". I bluntly told a few men to stay away and few women to not worry about my future.
parents feel that they need to see you settled but better be open and let your parents know that you'll marry when it is right time, not just to fulfill another obligation. I dated one guy within 6 months of my divorce. He was an Indian and extremely nice and he knew about my divorce. He was great, absolutely wonderful man but we parted our ways because I was not ready to leave my career and move to his place and be an H4 dependent and also I was still not completely out of the memories of that bad phase. When I met my current husband (~3 years post divorce), things were much different.
So, give yourself time. you will meet some wonderful (and many not-so-wonderful) people esp when you are not looking for a possible husband material. Let it take a natural course and don't let anybody hurt your self respect.
Good luck!

pamela1234mod · Feb 23, 2015

You have just been very unlucky to meet a man who seems very unfeeling and coarse.
You are young still. Wait for a kind and caring person who will come along.
Meanwhile dont give way to negative thoughts. You are an accomplished personable
woman attractive to males. Just dont be in a hurry.

omnam · Mar 6, 2015

Dear OP,

Thanks to your stars and fate that you came out of abusive relationship before having baby. Again thanks to these guys who showed their real colors before taking your advantage sexually.

There are real good men in town. you just have to find correct one. Why don't you find job and move out of India!! You might get broad-minded guys. Wait for right kind of person. None of these guys deserve you.

I know a girl who walked out abusive marriage with a 2 yr old girl child. A never married guy came down to her house for proposal of marriage. With his family support he married her with due respect, they are happily settled in Bangalore now with their just born son and 4yr old gal.

divyanka555 · Mar 9, 2015

omnam said: ↑

Dear OP,

Thanks to your stars and fate that you came out of abusive relationship before having baby. Again thanks to these guys who showed their real colors before taking your advantage sexually.

There are real good men in town. you just have to find correct one. Why don't you find job and move out of India!! You might get broad-minded guys. Wait for right kind of person. None of these guys deserve you.

I know a girl who walked out abusive marriage with a 2 yr old girl child. A never married guy came down to her house for proposal of marriage. With his family support he married her with due respect, they are happily settled in Bangalore now with their just born son and 4yr old gal.
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Yes I thank my stars daily! I might even have gotten killed by my ex-H... that's how evil he is!! And needless to say, I am getting better and better at recognizing the true nature of people with each and every experience.

Thanks for your inputs, and for sharing that story. Kindly note, however, that I don't wish to move out of India. I wish to settle in India only. I have lived abroad for sometime, and I must say that India is the only place where I feel truly at home. If there are broad-minded guys out there like others are saying, then there has to be some in India itself...!

TeluguAmmai · Mar 12, 2015

Your ex-BF is a scumbag. However, my suggestion to you is to disclose your marital status to your prospective match upfront so you don't break your heart later on. If the guy is into you, he will take it further - if not, he will show his character. At least, you will know upfront from informing him your status upfront.

HTH

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