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Single mom and responsibility

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Ujju, Sep 12, 2014.

  1. Ujju

    Ujju Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Little about me: I just need to share my feelings with people who are in similar situation like me and get some suggestions.
    I just became a single mom and came to abroad with my 8 yr old kid and planning to settle here.
    I was living with a psycho for 12 yrs and finally walked out with kid when I found that he is living with a another married woman (who is away from her husband for sometime and living in same apartment with her kid) just to harass me and to enjoy himself.
    I still tried to live with him even after knowing that he developed a relationship with another woman, but he neglected my efforts . Then I finally said enough is enough and lets walk away from this psycho.
    The day i walked out I decided that I will not grow my child like him . Respect-less and irresponsible idiot.

    Now Present: I walked out and came to abroad with kid. I am working n he is going to school. I did a daring step after I went through a lot. I took the step because he cheated me. He gave my place to someone else. I couldn't digest. I am not guilty about leaving him but day and night i feel guilty about my child.
    I am living with this guilty feeling that because of me he is not having a normal life like others. I can giving him everything except a dad. I feel one portion of our life is gone and will never comeback.

    I read through all the blogs and forums . I am doing my best to cope up but this guilty is eating my mind. Everybody says I did my best to stay in the marriage but still I could not win it. My kid became single parent child.

    I feel I need to be get engaged in other activities but not able to concentrate on anything. I always think how to make my kid happy. Am I missing anything in his responsibility?

    I need more suggestions on how can I take care of my kid? If anyone is a single parent and who is taking care of their kids alone - please give me suggestions on how to meet kids expectations as a single parent?
    I don't want to see my kid develop some shadow feelings in him because he is missing his dad and he couldn't express them with me.

    Finally- My humble suggestion: If anyone thinking about divorce- please rethink. After math is not easy to go through for everyone.
     
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  2. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Ujju

    While I am in no way in a situation similar to you, I do want to say this - kudos! I think you've given your child way more than you give yourself credit for... the lesson that it is ok to walk away from abuse. I for one do not think anything abnormal about a child growing up with a single parent, or two parents of the same gender, for that matter.

    I think every parent, be it with another person or alone strive to give our children a better life and that is exactly what you're doing as well. I do not think this is anything to feel any guilt about.
     
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  3. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,
    One cannot minimize the loss of dad in a child's life. Its HUGE!
    but in this case - this is better of the two choices. So u made the right choice OP. Tough for the child, but just continue to focus on the kid's life and he will turn out good. Best wishes.
     
  4. Ujju

    Ujju Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Peartree and Ragini,

    Thank you so much. your replies are giving me some energy . I really appreciate it.
     
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't know how it will be in India,But in US it's very common and your kid won't feel left out in school.Lot of kids will be talking about it and he won't feel alone.

    Standing up yourself is great thing.Kid will enjoy peaceful life than parents who are fighting more.He may happy now than before.So don't feel much about that he is missing his dad and not try to stress yourself.

    Two days back my 7years old came home and started looking for the word divorce .So kids in US do hear a lot about it and your son will understand it and don't stress yourself much about it.

    It's okay to be single parents.In US 37% are single parents and you are not alone.
     
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  6. aabcii

    aabcii Gold IL'ite

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    I am very sorry to hear ur situation .. but i hope that ur kid should be brought up as a normal person loving and respecting women and men wwith all care love and respect so that this kind nature gets reduced
     
  7. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP,

    I fee sorry for your past, but you did brave thing.
    I agree with Priya16, in US it is lot better,where as in India single woman/mom face lot, even day to day security wise. Single parenting is common there so your son socially will not face anything I feel.

    I think, as you have to fulfill father role also , you may want to spend holidays and outings more planned (going out of city or an event etc), as kids look forward to it.

    weekends with play dates etc also help in my opinion.

    Also keeping your son close to all family members like grand parents, aunt, uncle and cousins (by visting india whenever u can) he will be happy I feel.

    If your son shares much with you as a friend, it is better, he will not miss anything I feel.

    In the transition phase (whenyou becoming single parent), if your son is busy with studies, sports , arts anything, it is good I think.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2014
  8. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Kudos to you. If you watch Tamil movies, you can raise him to be one 'm Kumaran son of mahaletchumy' .. Don't worry u will be a good mom , good luck.
     
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  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    register him good sports and really will enjoy it.He may like sports more than dad :)
    It's very important to engage kid in different things that way they will not get time to think other things.

    my friend who lost her husband.She says,her daughter who is so brave and the daughter itself give encouragement to brave.Actually kids are so brave since they don't know much about outside world and they can handle.So don't think that he is missing his dad.
     
  10. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    OP- You are brave and possess self respect to walk out of a degrading situation. Yes every child ideally should have a dad and a mom but given that your ex was a creepy man with no morals, you child is better off with a strong mom.

    Like others said, if you are in US, you or your child will faced no stigma. Thankfully people here are not so eager to judge other people's choices. You love and support is the most important thing your child needs. But at the same time don't forget to be kind to yourself too.
     

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