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Problem after Marriage, what should i do

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by smileyrose, Aug 20, 2014.

  1. smileyrose

    smileyrose New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am seeing there are lot of posts and support which is great. To tell my story i am 25 yr old married last year. from childhood i have been in a combined family and dealt with many politics within family relatives. I always thought of going far away from my relatives. when last year my parents see proposals i didnt know much and talked to guy and his family. well settled and highly educated so everyone said i am lucky. My husband was abroad as his company sent him but he did tell his contract onsite is going to finish and he will come back India. Butsome how i thought i will still go abroad. but 1 month before marriage he came india and said his company now want him to work in India for next 2-3 years and also he didnt like life abroad. our marriage happened but i have always been upset about this. Meeting their new famiy members and get togethers dont interest me at all.
    I get so so bored at home. I have done my graduation and looked for jobs but couldnt get any.
    i was planning to apply for receptionist job but my husband didnt like it and said it wont look good as he doin a much better one. he asked me to wait for few yrs and then try.
    i go to my college friends as before marriage but my mother in law keeps a sad face when i do that. we have maids but she probably expects me to help with cooking work. i get so bored.
    i told this to my mom and she feels very bad that i dont get chance to go out. before marriage i used to goto second shows with my friends. my mom says if she knew i would get upset would have cancelled marriage and thinking if i shoudl separate and marry a guy in abroad.
    how should i deal this situation.
     
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  2. pantu

    pantu Gold IL'ite

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    HI, I read your post! In your marriage is there any problem? Your husband is bad? Your
    in laws are bad? If there is no problem for what reason you should separate? Because
    you can't go to abroad you are unhappy. That should not be a reason for separation.
    If you got bored with family politics then don't think about those relatives....
     
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  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Smiley,
    You won't be the world's first woman nor the last one to contemplate divorce because of the MIL. First of all, other than the curbed freedom, do you have any other serious concerns with the marriage? If not, let me tell you something. I've been married for a lot longer than you have. Freedom and respect are things that sometimes may not be handed to you in a platter. You need to demand it at times. Since you are still quite young and newly wed, you probably listen to everything you are told and as a result turn out frustrated and feel oppressed. Take baby steps. If you want to go out, go. If you are doing your duty then going out for some fun shouldn't be a big deal. Don't worry about what MIL thinks. You can't please everyone all the time. I still go out when I need a break. Yes, staying home can be frustrating. Don't fight with MIL or create a scene. Be subtle yet firm. Don't ask permission, just inform her and leave. It's as simple as that.
    Im sure going out is t your only concern. There probably are other things that you want to so and feel curtailed. Don't do everything all at once and ruin your peace of mind. Just do one thing at a time and be yourself.

    Btw, past is past. You could have called of the marriage but didn't. It probably is easy to get out of this one but what is the guarantee that you will never have to compromise in the next relationship? Life is all about making choices. Don't sit and reminisce over the road not taken. You made a choice and it isn't necessarily a bad one. So give it a shot. I'm sure every ILite on here will tell you that marriage does entail certain compromises. As long as you are not compromising on your values, self respect, safety and integrity, give it a try.

    Hope I didn't scare you with my sermon.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    I see the family politics of your own family is bouncing back again in your personal life. Your mom is so unreasonable to advise you about separation and re-marriage for this matter. That too within a year of your marriage. I can very well understand your mother's politics as you being an Indian, and living in India.
    It does not mean Indians do not opt for divorce, but it does mean the family value and social pressure for being married is very high in India than other cultures. So, the problem that you are going through is not very valid to consider divorce in Indian culture.

    Your post did not say anything that you were restricted, abused or punished for your independent nature. But obviously your MIL showed a sad (perhaps a long face) face to this.

    Perhaps this is not acceptable for many traditional families in India, that too after the marriage. If you want to enjoy night shows, perhaps you could try that with your husband, not with friends.

    Also, the going out with friends, travelling with male friends, and partying at night with friends (mixed gender) is not accepted by many traditional families. It may be a very simple matter in your family, but that doesn't mean every family consider the same as simple as you think. Perhaps they are worried about your safety, their family's reputation etc.etc...

    It is indeed good that your MIL didn't make a drama out of this difference, but obviously kept a sad face.

    Marrying a person from a very different background needs a lot of adjustment. Please sit down with your husband and see what he thinks about it. Then find ways to bring down your expectations to a middle point. After that, try convincing your H, and then MIL through your H. It takes time.

    It was not your husband's fault. He was quite clear about this prior to your marriage. But you did expect something, and blindly hoped this will fall on your place just like that.
    Now accept what is in your hand. Perhaps, your H end up going abroad in a couple years. Perhaps, you end up liking this life. Just give some time

    Well, I agree. Some people like some jobs, which is not liked by others. There are certain jobs, which are not liked by many. Sad to say receptionist, modeling, flim career, air hostess and nursing were one among them. Even, my job was not liked by many families. But thanks to my parents and spouse as they see nothing wrong with my profession.

    After marriage, doing a job with the support of your spouse is the only job satisfaction. Else, both your work and family life will be hell. Nothing to undermine the jobs, but it is to be deal with the society where we are.

    Perhaps, learning cookery is not a bad thing. I didn't even know ABC of cooking when I landed in an alien country for studies. By burning stomach only taught me the importance of cookery lessons. Yes, I could not survive with fast foods, and unfamiliar food for ever.

    Now I am a good cook, I developed a lot of interest in cookery. I feel blessed to be able to cook for my H and kids. I am always praised by my family for the food I prepare. This is one thing that I will never hand over it to my maid unless I am out of the city.

    Since you repeatedly say that you feel bored, why don't you learn some cookery stuff and impress your H with your new recipe. Since your MIL too want the same from you, I think this is a great way of reaching a middle point.

    Great idea. For now, limit your contacts with them. I think they (including your mom) are trying to fool you. Beware.
     
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  5. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

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    SGBV that was excellent suggestion. Shows it the way u look at things.
     
  6. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Except for the "bored" part, is there any other issue? Abroad stay will/will not come - you can always plan holidays abroad :)

    Right now, enjoy the calm ! Learn something new!

    List out the top 10 things you wanted to learn and never had the time. Plan with your DH and decide what /where /how/ online/ paid/ free etc

    Believe me, you'll not have the time once you have more responsibilities and learning something new never goes waste :)

    Join a gym/club/class and meet people of your age - most of your friends also will be newly married - if you cant go for dinner parties, plan for lunches on weekdays - you can go out an enjoy yourself!

    Discuss with your DH - plan one lunch/dinner out per week with him (If he asks what about MIL, you can suggest that we can go out as wife and husband on saturday and take her out on sunday) - whatever works for both of you without hurting the elders :) but be firm on your private outing

    Do all the above - you'll have classes on mon/wed/fri, meet your friends for lunch on tuesdays and go out with DH on saturdays !!! So only thursdays left for you to take your MIL out - ha ha ha just joking - plan your wardrobe for all the other days :)

    Are you bored now?
     
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  7. smileyrose

    smileyrose New IL'ite

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    I have done all these things. but it didnt help much.
    yes i am newly married and its not that i have been told not to go. But yes i do have to tell my husband and mother in law.
    as said she is very smart, she never says anything to me. but shows in her face expressions.
    when there are festivals she asks me if i am staying home that day. i was never a very devotional so i cannot do what she does.

    Then our neighbours are also our relatives who when ever i meet keep asking me where i am going and when i will come back.

     
  8. smileyrose

    smileyrose New IL'ite

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    Thanks for such long suggestions. Does physical abuse and mental torture only reasons to get separate.
    many women have so much expectations, before marriage i donno all these things but only after marriage realized some things.

    my husband wakes up early in morning and goes to work. he only comes at night.
    my mother in law also wakes up to cook for my husband,, and i have to do so coz my husband asks me why i am not making food for him.

    If i listen to him, he basically want me to cook, etc at home and do nothing.
    he never planned for trips until now. i was imagining abt going abroad and he not evening taking me another state.

    i have seen threads on this website that some women suffering wasting time in marriages with no happiness. and my mother also not suggesting me just for the sake. she contacted a astrologer who is very powerful and he told my mom that my marriage will end up in divorce.


     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell your mom to stay away from that astrologer.And tell your mom not to talk about breaking up your marriage.
    Op...is it possible that you suffer from depression. Try talking to a doctor about this.

    Besides this...make a list of things to like and want to do.see how many you can try your hand at.
    If you are not getting a job...you could try tuition for small children...i.e. if you like children.

    What about pets....do you like animals...if so,see if you can get one as a pet.They do wonders for cheering up people .Looking after your pet will keep you cheerful and busy.

    Gardening is another option that you can pursue.
     
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  10. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op,

    Fine, being in the marriage and getting separated is your choice. But think of it you want to get separated, just Because you are bored? No that's not a strong reason for stepping out. I feel you are not unhappy in this marriage, but you decided to be unhappy just because you are in India.

    Also remember life is not bed of roses when you are separated. If you are lucky you will find your dream prince soon again else you will have to undergo lot of troubles.

    If you don't like to cook hire a maid. There are lot of things to do when you have free time. For ex: Learn something new, explore work from home, for a change take your MIL out for shopping.Nowadays most of us has to work for long hours in office. Plan/Surprise your husband with small weekend getaways.

    If you give your 100% to your marriage, you will be happy
     
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