Problem after Marriage, what should i do

Sorry to tell stay away from your mom for some time, you are newly wed with lots of dreams. See merely dreaming will not work, you must put in efforts to make it true. Boredom is because you have made up your mind that you are not going aboard so you see no liveliness in your marriage, come out of that tag of going aboard.
You are here now, experiment things here, even after doing so if you feel the same then think of, just bcoz mom told or tom told don't do. You are wed, next phase in life so you must see it with happiness, sit down, cool yourself, erase the thought of divorce or separation for time being.

If you had tried something and failed then you can try other methods just by self pitying oneself for not going aboard or out you cannot. Stay away from your politics family first, make things romantic, create the energy in your marriage and life.

As you commented that mental torture or abuse are not the only grounds of divorce, the difference is read any post from this forum, the case of divorce arises when women after bearing lots of pain, physical and mental, at last no other means they go for divorce. At first point here lites suggest to adjust, try to see if things work out and ultimately if its a spoiled broth then the word divorce comes.
You have just entered the phase so, live it rather complaining it..
Put down your hobbies, try to change yourself for the new family, love them, smile at all things that make you low, surely you will see that you are changing.
Begin to live first then you can talk of all.. before living don't be judgmental...

 

OP I think you did not want to get married, you just wanted to go abroad . Sorry for being judgemental but I wonder your mother is suggesting you divorce for such a trivial issue.

 

Very good point. The family doesnt allow to go out n for second shows. you want to knock out him and go to abroad. Wow. Guys used to go for bachelor party till 5am before marriage. Can you allow your husband to go now after marriage?.

Changes are constant and we do need to revolve with it. I do see that, your aim is to go aborad and see the colors of the life. Good luck.

 

Daughter goes abroad n mother follows it. that's why. MAKE INDIA is the new slogan and people still looking at abroad. How about the second marriage guy also returns to India for good?.

 

OP, are you sure you will not be bored after going to Abroad? He might work the same way there also, leaving in the morning and reaching home at late evening. Is expecting to be home on festival days such a big thing? Have you read about some of the dependent wives issues after going to abroad?

The issue here is, you are bored because you don't have anything to look forward for the day when you woke up. That is in 'YOU' not because of INDIA or ABROAD. The people in Abroad too, will be happy if they can keep their day going on.. either working / stay home wives. The same concept applies in India too. If you can make your day interesting, either India / Abroad will be okay.

Have you ever spoke to him, why he is not planning for any trip abroad / out of the state? Is he financially well-off to plan for those? What are his plans for future? Can you see, if both of you can reach a mid point?

And, And.... If you wanted to stay away from your relatives, just contact them very minimally. That should solve your problem. Have you ever heard, some people after staying abroad too have problems with Relatives & politics?

Marriage or for that matter any relationship needs to be worked for. It just doesn't happen over night. Before stretching thinking up to Divorce, you may think what can be done for fulfillment / bonding in your marriage. Without making any efforts one should not pull back, be it marriage or any other work.

Lastly, life is not about parties / lunches / going out / vacations.. beyond all that. I'm sure you know that. I'm sorry, if you feel this post is rude. Good luck.

 

HI OP,
After reading all the replies from ILite friends and ur response on dat , i feel since u want to end ur marriage bcoz of ur husband is not in abroad ,u want a mental support dat ur decision is rigth in taking divorce. Because all the replies/suggestions given by Ilite friend is very very good & useful but ur nt ready to accept it.
If u think once u goto abroad u will live ur life like it shows in movies ,u will dance in the road & will get chance to visit all the places (which u hv seen in movies)
Pretty girl life is not a movie what ur thinking (i guess ...) plz do nt be sad i 'm nt laughing on ur situtation just want to clear few things which u do nt want to see/realise.
Hopefully if u will go to abroad den easily u can't get a maid to cook indian food 4 u so dat time u hv to cook or u hv to bring outside food.
Once ur hubby go to office u'll be all alone in the home and it's nt india where u hv many friends to go 4 movies n parties all the times.
That time u r life will be bore staying alone at home with no friends or family friends.
i just wanted to give few examples how is the life in abroad.
Staying in abroad is nt not dat romantic wat u think ...
Before taking any decision abt divorce 1st read the post how other dependent wives are staying in abroad,how other Ilite friends are giving suggestion to move out from the depression and low feelings.
U r dreaming some thing is not bad at all but u should fulfil ur duty as well,if ur husband is asking u 2 prepare food for him is nt a bad thing unless ur sick.
Be cool n calm ...Read all the other suggestion think in a positive way and live a happy married life bcoz i did nt found any thing bad in ur marriage to go 4 a separation.
I'm sorry if any of my comments hurt u....
Think positive and be happy always

 

Dear SGBV,
I think this is the best piece of advise given and if OP is sensible enough she will go by your advice to the letter.

 

Analysis of the original Post :

As per I read your post its not much to understand your problems its simple.

The Phase you are passing through is a physiological stage where you have been living in a different world from your imaginary world which is a kind of miss concept created by your people around you.

This generally happens when people start boasting about things / person in front of you and when u see in reality its not up to your thoughts. Generally this phase ends easily but in your case you are unable to let go the dream world which you have been expecting and its kind of hurting you.

I would like to suggest in this case is you need find fun in work which you are doing instead of work which you want to do. As for an example try to find fun in doing family work and try to get appreciation from your in-laws. Your husband is unable to plant trips try to plan trips with ur husbands including your in-laws at an initials which will make them happy and the feeling will make them understand that you guys need some time alone too. There are other ways of being with friends, Invite your friends to your house for dinner on festivals so that they can be close to your inlaws and husband.

All these can be done and you need to stop your imagination or to control, As sometimes what happens is we imagine a lot of things but there is nothing to happen.

I will not suggest you to get or not to get divorced but what you are planning and thinking is just a place of imagination and you will end up at the same place where you were before your own home where you were frustrated just because of your relatives or joint family.

And then you will break up internally, I have seen cases where people were not happy with their life, They they suddenly they got a chance and they felt that this was not up to the mark and they moved a step back and suddenly they realized what they did has got them into a more worst situation and they lost control.

So I would like you to think over that are you up to the expectation of every one, See we all need to compromise with something or the other while we have new people coming in our life. And try to bend your self not because you are a women ... Just because you are proud to be a Women.

I hope you like my suggestion, I would apologize if I was rude at any place.

Thanks

 

I would like to talk about just a couple of issues from my experience as a divorcee:


MARRIAGE/DIVORCE: Your FIRST marriage is your ONLY chance to have a CLEAN, NEAT, HAPPY and DECENT life in society. Once you "lose" your chance at that or get divorced, you are treated like a USED-CAR forever (sad but true). When you are back in the market to find your next husband/wife, you will be shocked to come to the reality not because you now belong in the divorcee community but because the matches/people available in your scope are all MEDIOCRE and below average. It is NOTHING like the match-making for the "first" marriage. A majority of them have severe issues which is why they were divorced. Well, there may be some nice divorced people out there but the odds of meeting such people are bleak to none because they are probably taken already. They try to hide their age, photos, identity, skin tone, height, weight, body type, income, liabilities, past, divorce history, etc. On matrimonial sites, you would find divorced men looking for virgins and divorced women looking for unmarried/divorced men and much younger than themselves. These may be sound strange but they are facts! Why would a virgin girl consider marrying a married man or a never-married man look at a divorced woman (with kids) and who is much older than himself? What are the odds of such people finding their match? As a divorcee, if I run into a profile that is listed as a divorcee and looking or a virgin or younger than myself, I would not even respond to such ads - it is a mismatch and unnatural. You would waste most of your time on these matchmaking sites dealing with and talking to such jerks only to find out much later they were fooling you and start over with another person. They are much worse than the spam in your email. I was a victim of deception that resulted in a marriage and wastage of over a decade of my life on someone who was an addict and would not reform (given all the needed help, care and support) and finally ended in a divorce. I've been searching for an average person who is true, honest and at least HALF-AS-DECNT as my "ex" for the last 6 years but no luck so far I eat lonely, go to bed lonely, being treated differently at my workplace, bored, frustrated, feel miserable when I see below-average/good-for-nothing people having a better, happy and "very balanced" life (in their first marriage) than I have and the list goes on and on... I don't even have a sound sleep anymore - I feel exhausted in the morning when I wake up and very sleepy and tired all day at work - my life and health are out of balance. I wish I stayed with my ex and tried much harder to made it work for what it was worth. If I had one person to advise me of these realities, I would not have divorced but it is too late. Divorcee life not easy - at all. Whatever you do with your current marriage, make sure your next marriage is going to be better or at least "as good the first marriage" but the chances are bleak with a second marriage. Even if you get remarried, you are more likely to end up making more sacrifices, more compromises, feel more miserable, more bored and more frustrated comparing it with your first marriage. If we go by the published divorce statistics in America, over 50% of all first marriages, over 70% of all second marriages and over 90% of all third marriages - END UP IN DIVORCE! Thees are published facts. So it only gets worse, huh? This is why some states have made it mandatory for couples to get Pre-marital Couple Counseling "before" the marriage - and divorces in such states have fallen drastically. Schools, colleges and universities teach academics but fail to teach relationship skills, money-management skills, etc which are ESSENTIAL in life to survive, thrive and sustain. We see so many divorcees and people who become HOMELESS a few years after winning BUMPER lotteries, etc because they lacked the skills to manage their relationship or luck. Therapeutic counselors, financial advisors, lawyers, etc exist for these reasons and do a flourishing business. So, there go the realities of divorced life. Are you ready for such a lonely, bored and frustrated life? For these reasons, you should do your UTMOST in making your first marriage - WORK - one way or the other.


LIFE ABROAD: I was renting a place with an Indian family in NJ 15 years ago and they always used to have a relative over from India as a guest at their house. They both used to go to work leaving the relative at home alone. That relative (sister, mother, etc) used to be LONELY and BORED TO DEATH ALL DAY because they cannot just go out to a neighbor and talk. So they used to chat with me saying they were bored and they don't like it here. Abroad - you cannot trust strangers, you cannot trust neighbors, you cannot trust co-workers, you cannot leave the house door open (keep it always closed) - there is no "community" abroad. Even children here cannot just jump on the street or go to a neighbors house to play (kids have cats and dogs for this reason) like they do in India - you cannot just TRUST anybody because of the "opportunity" people here have in doing bad things. Anyone can kidnap anyone because they have a car, probably a gun and most probably a criminal history! Bottom line, you cannot simply "trust" anyone. You cannot confront someone on the street (like a hero in an Indian movie) - what if they have a gun? People come to America (even illegally) with dreams in their heart but they work for minimum wages on high-pressure/hectic/part-time jobs (making less than $300-400 a week if they are lucky), share a room and bathroom with others, cannot even afford an apartment, cannot afford health insurance, don't have a car or have a beat-up/junkie car that always has repairs, live pay-check-to-paycheck, take payday loans at extremely high interest rate (upto 400%) from private firms, maintain huge credit card debts and cannot even pay minimum balance, incur bounced check fees, shop at dollar stores, give their kids a miserable life and complain they had a better life back in their country where they were earning much less. Most of them work 2 jobs for 12-16 hours a day to supplement income. You cannot work a second job if you are on a H1B. Every adult works and pays their bills! If you are unskilled or come here with bogus skills, you cannot survive. An apartment costs over $1500 and health insurance for a couple with a kid could cost $1000. Some people returned to their countries with huge debts. It is disgraceful to go back to your country with huge debts, no savings and loss of property in that adventure. Unless you are making at least 75K, life won't be easy in the USA. Law is harsh on aliens - if you commit a crime, you could get deported. So, unless you will be employed as well and keep yourself occupied abroad, are you ready to handle such a lonely life abroad?


Your husband has better chances of going abroad again on another job. Maybe you can join him, get a job and even if his contract ends, he could stay abroad as your husband because you would have a job then. You are young and in no hurry to rush abroad right away. You need to cultivate some hobbies to keep you occupied and kill your boredom. How about learning music, dance, aerobics, Yoga or something?

HTH

 

@TeluguAmmai....
Nice long post.. but differ with your views on "first marriage is your ONLY chance".. and especially USED-CAR analogy is pretty bad.. There is a post by an IITian on this site about how she was second time lucky.. its worth a read...

I know many happy couples who are 2nd or even 3rd time lucky.. and almost half of them are Indians... The best example I ever saw were a nice Canadian couple whose marriage was 2nd for the hubby and 3rd for that lady..

@OP...
Join some college do your PG or pursue a MBA... you are mentally stuck in college days and want to enjoy.. best option is higher education, so that your job prospects will improve above "receptionist"...