Am I doing wrong?

anjuanju · Jul 26, 2014

Hello IL,

I just wanted to check with you am I doing anything wrong . My divorce is set for trial next week. So discussions between the lawers is going on. I know that asked more money. Yes I did . But It is not that I care money.
he harassed me and cheated me . the main reason that I asked money is because his sister said I broke her suitcase lock (which I did not touch. How will a lock breaks by itself. I guess she did by herself to create a mess). For that my husband beated me and said so many bad words . both of them scolded me like anything. When I said for I am ready for polygraph to prove it that i did not touch her suitcase at all ,she said she does not want to go for polygraph, for that and my H said how dare I am to ask his sister to go for polygraph .

Apart from this as I said earlier my H has bad habit of going to escorts and chat or call dirty with other women on phone or web. which I mentioned in my previous posts in detail. Yesterday when he heard my settlement numbers he texted me and was saying all bad things like I sleep with other men and my dad can do business with me and all. This is not the first time he spoke to me like that. He said that I slept with other men and all just with in an year of marriage , first time when I heard that form him, I did not eat any thing for three days except two times tea in a day.

He continued the same and treated me very bad and never stopped his habits and all. I said I do not want a penny provided I have broken the lock and is sister ready for polygraph. he said I ditched him. All is said was I cannot explain him in any way and I am tired of making him understand all these years. His sisters and parents scolded me in front of him. He too supports them. He said he will post on my face book that I am money minded and say that I am asking him money and all. I said okay. I am already working in usa so I know that I do not get much money from. But I do not worry abt money. My precious years gone in this marriage and really going through a very touch time psychologically and I am on depression medication currently but still does not help me.

I asked money because his sister created a scene for money and his parents including him asked for more money even after 4 years of marriage that we did not give a plot as promised which is not true.

Also when i was with him he does not want to spend money for my bread too which is the basic thing still he says they have done every thing to me. Also on our first anniversary too he called me and scolded me and my parents that my father did not give money which we promised to give after an year of marriage. again this is wrong. but still not even 24 hrs crossed on the day of anniversary , they said that we did not meet the deadline to give money as promised and called my relatives . my H said that he does not stay with me until we give the money and till that time i have stay at my brother place.Am I doing wrong ?

Thank yoy,
Anju

Laks09 · Jul 26, 2014

No you aren't doing wrong by asking for alimony. The reason the law has provided for alimony is so that spouses can claim a financial compensation for all the harassment they underwent. He is just trying to break you.
Why is he still in touch with you? Hasn't your lawyer told you no contact? Talk to your lawyer and see if you can get a restraining order. Don't delete the text. It's proof that he is harassing you. Use it to your advantage. Anything he says in writing, including, texts, emails, Facebook messages etc, please share with your lawyer. It will only help strengthen your case.
To prevent further contact, use these things to get a restraining order so he cannot legally contact you or come anywhere near you physically. Then please change your contact numbers emails etc and don't give it to anyone who can give it to this guy. Cut off all contact with common friends if required to end ties. And save all his crap for the judge to see.
Btw, don't respond to his emails or texts. Don't put anything down in writing. It can be used against you. Any communication has to happen only thru your lawyer.

Stay ay strong and if that fool texts you vulgar notes again bury him using it as legal proof. That's the best you can do.

anjuanju · Jul 26, 2014

Laks ,

He ued to call me very late night like 2.00 am 3.00 am . i stopped lifting the phone as he calls me only when he come back from pub and scold me .

Once he called me after I went to office ie morning and said the he is suffering from cancer and no one knows about it including his parents. By the way he is s doctor here in USA. And he asked me to not suffer him for money because he has to spent lot of money for his cancer treatment. If he dies the insurance is on my name and I will get the money. Then he sent an e-mail and saying that as discussed let us end this. But nowhere in e-mail he mentioned about cancer. And to my lawyer he said that he spoke to me and we are compromising within ourself . My lawyer got confused and though that I did not mention him that we are compromising.

When said all this he said he will take a restraint order for me. But my self said no need and tried to make him understand till the last moment.

Though he has done all these to me, Some where I though he may change and why should I make it complex by taking restrain order and all. And whenever he texted me or mailed me replied to him though we are staying away for more than three years now. But every time after speaking to him (phone,text or e-mail) I felt that my decision to divorce him is correct . that is how he talks and argues and lies to me. But I need to change my number as you said as I have no hope at all . Because last night was wasted completely because of his texts and could not sleep at all thinking of this.

Thank you

anjuanju · Jul 27, 2014

As the time to divorce legally approached. I lost my thinking ability and I don’t understand what I am doing and exactly at this time I saw this thread "Why do women/men feel trapped in a marriage?” in married section forum of IL.

Here I saw some suggesting to try stay in a marriage and make it work as much as possible. From the time I read this, I am not understanding .like should I have tried more and all. But I felt that I tried max at that time.

May be fear of my feature is making me to think like this, I do not know. But I am feeling very low and unable to do or concentrate on anything from morning.

How much sincere we are, how fair we are in relationship ,how intelligent in studies and good job ---life at the end is not in our hands I feel. There are many factors which makes our life and unfortunately some of them are not in our hands like marriage which may completely reverse our life.

Anju

Laks09 · Jul 27, 2014

Anju,
It is very easy to say and compromise. It is very tough to actually do it. You have one life only. Make the best of it. Only you can say you tried. Realistically speaking, if you decide to go back to him and things don't improve, won't you have wasted even more of your precious life. Every day counts. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you.
Future cannot be predicted by anyone. I would like to tell you one thing though, the future is not very bright with someone who is traumatizing you no end. Isn't it better to be alone rather than with this guy.
You need to get the restraining order. You need to change numbers. You need to change apartments. You need to be untraceable. Your lawyer has heard it all by now. He is right. Restraining order is a must.

Hth,
l

god2014 · Jul 27, 2014

How much sincere we are, how fair we are in relationship ,how intelligent in studies and good job ---life at the end is not in our hands I feel. There are many factors which makes our life and unfortunately some of them are not in our hands like marriage which may completely reverse our life.

Anju[/QUOTE]

Yes you are absolutely right, its all written when we were born.. but don't worry for all that had happened. Still if you wish to continue this then stay else move away.. as Laks09 told its one life so don't waste it by just thinking of these.If your husband is truly going to change himself totally, then think of it that too if he is trustworthy man, just now for divorce and money asked by you, he must not do. if he could compromise and live a gem of person, loving you, sacrificing things just think of if possible to stay else don't keep thinking always if what you did is right or wrong after doing it.. Your demand for money is absolutely right no second thoughts at all.. You deserve it, you must be given the compensation demanded.. Please don't fear as it will kill your confidence and make you weak. so stay strong. Great days ahead.. pray god leave the rest to him.. Be clear and confident..

If you smile at life, life will smile at you.. Don't let yourself down by thinking of this jerk. Take it forward with energy and belief that i would sooner be happy in my life..:cool2:

jigisha321 · Jul 27, 2014

anjuanju said: ↑

As the time to divorce legally approached. I lost my thinking ability and I don’t understand what I am doing and exactly at this time I saw this thread "Why do women/men feel trapped in a marriage?” in married section forum of IL.

Here I saw some suggesting to try stay in a marriage and make it work as much as possible. From the time I read this, I am not understanding .like should I have tried more and all. But I felt that I tried max at that time.

May be fear of my feature is making me to think like this, I do not know. But I am feeling very low and unable to do or concentrate on anything from morning.

How much sincere we are, how fair we are in relationship ,how intelligent in studies and good job ---life at the end is not in our hands I feel. There are many factors which makes our life and unfortunately some of them are not in our hands like marriage which may completely reverse our life.

Anju
Click to expand...

OP..You are not doing anything wrong...from reading your post I feel you are the kind of person who tries to first find fault with yourself and your H is just taking advantage of that.
Asking for alimony is valid and legal. By branding you as money-minded he is just trying to make you feel inferior.Out of his taunts if you now refuse alimony, then who is the winner? He is..he gets to save his money..You need not prove to him that you are NOT money-minded..you know that yourself right ? That is enough..
Also..there is no reason to stay in a marriage as abusive as yours.I had once read an article in Times of India about, to what extent women can try to adjust in a marriage.It said that two mistakes are non-negotiable in a marriage: 1. Wilful adultery 2. Unprovoked and voluntary physical abuse.
Don't step back once you have stepped ahead.Be strong dear and hold on.Ignore any pleas/taunts/emotional blackmail from your ex.

Shina · Jul 27, 2014

anjuanju said: ↑

As the time to divorce legally approached. I lost my thinking ability and I don’t understand what I am doing and exactly at this time I saw this thread "Why do women/men feel trapped in a marriage?” in married section forum of IL.

Here I saw some suggesting to try stay in a marriage and make it work as much as possible. From the time I read this, I am not understanding .like should I have tried more and all. But I felt that I tried max at that time.

May be fear of my feature is making me to think like this, I do not know. But I am feeling very low and unable to do or concentrate on anything from morning.

How much sincere we are, how fair we are in relationship ,how intelligent in studies and good job ---life at the end is not in our hands I feel. There are many factors which makes our life and unfortunately some of them are not in our hands like marriage which may completely reverse our life.

Anju
Click to expand...

first of all a big hug to u dear. It is really a tough time for u as divorce is at the final stage, so yes as u do understand it urself , u cannot think straight.please do not doubt if u could have done any more to save the marriage. U have done more than enough and beared more than enoungh, much much more than enough. All the ladies suggesting to work hard to save the marriage in the thread u mentioned also would have advised u to leave ur marriage looking at ur situation( physicsl abuse, infidelity, emotional torcher etc.) , i am sure. So please stick to ur decision and dont doubt it.

U seem to be a very sensitive,caring,giving, innocent and slightly gullible person. Please do not fall into his coaxing u with things like he has cancer etc. Through ur previous experiences u know how quickly he can change from what he has said to u. So do not give him any benefit of doubt.

life has been very unfair to you. But please do ur best to better ur life. Do not worry about future as this will do nothing good but only depress u. Do not pay attention to society if they trouble u, develop a thick skin.Try to become sucessful in life through ur efforts.i know u r too afraid of the prospect of having to live without companion but Keep on searching hard patiently until one day someone nice and deserving comes along.you have so much to give, anyone would be lucky to find u. Do not waste ur kindness on this loser though.all the very best through this tough times.

rainbowresh · Jul 27, 2014

Hi Anju,
My heart reaches out to you ... You have suffered enough and hence don't let him add to your woes through by letting him hurt you more. Everyone before me here has told you the right things yet I shall tell you once more.
Asking for alimony is not wrong, you have given your fruitful youth to this undeserving man. You have gone through so much pain coz of this man.
And compromise is a solution for ppl having fights because of shallow issues like, my husband doesn't spend time with me, my wife doesn't care about me enough,etc in which cases both parties will be told to try and work it out. It is not a solution for abusive relationships like yours.
Be stern with ur own lawyer and tell them to get a restraining order. In case he tries to contact u by other means record the bugger with ur phone or smthing and file a police complaint. He be let to count bars and he deserves only that judging by ur account of his character. Unfortunately such fellows' parents will catch another poor little girl in no time just to torture her. So make sure you ask a big alimony that he has nothing left to think of another new life.
Make your life an example for the ailing and suffering...by becoming very good in whatever you do. Never lose ur temper with him, coz it will be used against you in court. Channel your anger into your work and excel in it.
Don't ever think of getting back with a monster like him. Let him burn in hell and alone!
Change your phone number and e mail so you don't see anything from him even by mistake and spoil ur day.
Live life in peace , all those lonely moments to come will pass soon a d will leave a whole new perspective about life. Good times will come to you soon and who knows... What plans and ppl God has written for you!!?
The good times are awaiting you Anju...clear out all this dirt and keep your door open!
Good luck!

yellowmango · Jul 27, 2014

Start recording the calls. Try to get him to talk about the baseless accusations he made on your character and about the unfulfilled demands for money.It will help you in getting divorce and settlement.If you have proof of this sick person's adultery....keep it or try to get.If he writes nonsense on face book . Keep record.

Other than that don't communicate with this piece of S*&^.