Am I doing wrong?

yellowmango · Jul 27, 2014

anjuanju said: ↑

As the time to divorce legally approached. I lost my thinking ability and I don’t understand what I am doing and exactly at this time I saw this thread "Why do women/men feel trapped in a marriage?” in married section forum of IL.

Here I saw some suggesting to try stay in a marriage and make it work as much as possible. From the time I read this, I am not understanding .like should I have tried more and all. But I felt that I tried max at that time.

May be fear of my feature is making me to think like this, I do not know. But I am feeling very low and unable to do or concentrate on anything from morning.

How much sincere we are, how fair we are in relationship ,how intelligent in studies and good job ---life at the end is not in our hands I feel. There are many factors which makes our life and unfortunately some of them are not in our hands like marriage which may completely reverse our life.

Anju
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Dear Op...that thread is not for compromising with blatant ,shameless cheaters and physically abusive husband.I don't think any woman will tell you to compromise with a person who cheats and physically abuses his wife...specially when she is independent financially. Don't second guess yourself. looking back will only result in emboldening the monster .

anjuanju · Aug 2, 2014

God2014,

Thanks for your reply. Yes whenever i think of future it scares me.so I will try to live every day as it comes as you said.that way i may not get depressed. but it is difficult at times and could not implement.

Anju

anjuanju · Aug 2, 2014

YellowMango,

Thanks for clarifying me. yes as i said i some times i do not understand what i think so all these types of thought will come. He beated me two times but i think as i loose confidence he may do it more often . but with support of my family and IL here , I gained some energy and stood up my self.

One more thing, I saw threads here related to abusive husbands, when wife decided to be strong then husbands at least try to say sorry and say like they love their wife and so on. Though in

many case they do repeat the same even after saying all these because their nature.

In my case, he told only two times that he is feeling bad for loosing me and loves me. But other than these two times, he never feels that he behaved bad with me. for examle he argues that many wifes stay with husband even if they have EMA. But i am making it a big mess he says. and speaks so rudely and argues like any thing just to win argument.

yellowmango · Aug 2, 2014

Dear anju...this just means he has no plans to change.He just wants you to come back on his terms .He will not change.He is not repentant ,he doesn't even believe his behavior is wrong.Don't waste your time thinking about him ...leave aside making any other plan. Think of him as a nightmare and now it is time to open your eyes to a new day.
Cheers dear...and best wishes .You are stronger just being away from him.

anjuanju · Aug 3, 2014

Jigisha321,

Thank you for you reply.

Shian,

I know he does not has cancer. When he told me initially I believed , even though we are divorcing I cried may be because we stayed for some time together. He called me in the morning when I was iin office, so I could not concentrate at work at all. But as I started thinking , I realized that he is lieng to me. Because just a week before this call , he called me and said he is going to fight and scolded me and my parents badly and said that he will not let live any one of us peacefully. If he had cancer he would have not said like this. Also from his words when he was saying that he had cancer ,he tried not to give answers about cancer when I was asking and has no guilty that he treated me badly. I think people behave good atelast when have these type of big diseases and fell guilty if they cheated or troubled any one . but I did not see any think like that from him. Later when he e-mailed me I asked him to send me the resport, he said I will be in trouble legally if I ask his personnel health information. I confirmed he has no cancer.

Rainboweresh,

Every time, I Speak I spoke to him very patiently, I never shouted at him or used bad lanugaue. He used to do that. Still I did not say. All I said is if you think patiently you know what is wrong and who is wrong and why all these troubles came. but he simply argues that everything I do and my parents do is wrong and they are correct.

I may see him one more time lastly on the day of divorce, that time some times I feel like I will scold him on that day for doing all this to me, some time I feel like I should not scold him and simply say that you cheated me and accused of thing which I did not do and you will know one day know what I am. So that he may have guiltiness for the rest of his life. but at the same time these type of people nevr feel guity and will forget me the day we get divorced and live happily as they wish.
YellowMango,

I do have reasonable proofs of his adultery and the how they scolded me and how that took dowry from me after one year f marriage. Have to see how the legal system in india works to punish these type of people.

All IL’s,
I read every one of your reply more than one time . when ever I feel depressed I read your replies to gain some energy and it really helped me most of the times. Some times how much I convince myself and read replies and talk to my family. still I feel very down . but will become normal once that phase is over.

Thanks every one for your great support. Will keep you updated with my life .

Shina · Aug 5, 2014

Hey Anju, good on u for hanging in there through such tough times. When the going gets tough the tough ( read Anju) gets going.:thumbsup

Dont think about scolding him etc. Make your success in life your sweet revenge. Try to better urself each day.use all the anger to propel u forward in life. Don't worry about him being happy in life, knowing how he is , i dont think he will ever be truly happy or make anyone happy.On the other hand , u have every chance of being happy and making others around u extremely happy.

Just dont even give him an iota of importance when u see him, calmly and confidently do what u are required to do and leave in a dignified manner.do something nice that day to celebrate getting good riddance of this loser of a man.:cheers

dont think about what happened from now on, focus on what can happen and work hard towards it patiently. Learn to think positively. And be very confident in ur demeanour while dealing with society.all the very best.

StrongLady · Aug 19, 2014

Hi Anju,

Hatss off to you and also i pray god for you. Wish he solves all your problems and gives you a happy life.
it sounds like they harassed you a lot for dowry and always creates problem for your family by blaming.
But why did you get second thoughts and why you didnt take restrain order and thought he will change. even after so much torture.?

Are there any positive qualities in your husband for which you ever felt happy. He is money minded so he would always expect you to do job and get more dowry from your parents. But atleast when you do job does he behaved nicely with you. Shopping with you, asking with concern when you have some problem. how long have you been married.?

well the reason i asked is. DO WHAT EVER YOU DO WITH CONFIDENCE. Coz you should never repent in your life for this decision and would think i would have given a chance.If you dont see any positives in him and think of 100% divorce then take the restrain order and demand for alimony. as many suggested.

BUT BUT if you think there is atleast some positive qualities and you want to adjust think a lot.

99% of men in beginnig years of marriage support their sisters and mothers only and never support wife. They get very angry and will go extent of raising hand on wife for their family.so better keep away from his family and cut off the discussions.

Here are some examples of friends and far relatives i know of marriages and divorces. You might get idea what to do.
1. One famliy i know neighbours, guy used to physically abuse wife. and they had divorce. now that guy married again to a good looking very good family educated girl. The girl is also divorcee, they didnt even ask the guy why he divorced coz they thought past is past. Now this guy behaves very nicely and treats his second wife like angel. Never raises hand and no abuse nothing. so abusing is not something uncontrollable. guy realized he has to work out the second marriage and behaves so good. SO MORAL FROM THIS STORY - DONT GIVE DIVORCE UNDER THE FEELING THAT HE WILL SUFFER since you GIVING DIVORCE. you donno whether he will suffer coz you will not have any idea abt his life after Divorce. but make sure you dont suffer after it. THERE ARE MANY CHANCES HE WILL BEHAVE nicely as you left him for his bad behavior and he wont repeat these mistakes with second wife.

2. another case - one of the friend realised soon after marriage, her hubby has no good job, drinks and sleeps home all time. Demands her money, sometimes gives bad words donno if physical abuse but he did scare her. she decided to separate and try to file case and again after 6 months she went back coz she was unable to cope with the separation process too. Ofcourse even now she feels bad that she got that kind of husband but she just withdraw her separation idea and working and living the life. SO MORAL FROM THIS STORY - living with a abusive husband is tough and also dealing with court, lawyer and all the separation process is also not easy. as YOU SAID no matter how much ppl give you support you will still feel bad.

3. Another case - Again a abusive husband and similar to yours always fights about dowry not being given . Lot of misunderstandings, girl was always doing job, he would take her money too and some of it would give to his sister etc. within 1 yr of marriage thought of divorce but the girl elders told her to adjust, continued life like that but she always would plan her life keeping sometime divorce would happen. Silly was she also had 2 kids and 9 yrs marriage. One fine day she decided and divorced the guy. The kids suffered a lot and she also felt very lonely and not able to handle raising 2 kids. she now married another guy who also have kids. Guy is nice obvious coz after crossing 40 mostly men become little calm down and second marriage for him.
But NOW SHE HAS PROBLEM WITH HER KIDS NOT ADJUSTING WITH STEP FATHER AND STEP SISTERS.
SO MORAL OF STORY - IF YOU want to separate do it before having kids.

hope my suggestions give you some idea in planning your life.

anjuanju said: ↑

Jigisha321,

Thank you for you reply.

Shian,

I know he does not has cancer. When he told me initially I believed , even though we are divorcing I cried may be because we stayed for some time together. He called me in the morning when I was iin office, so I could not concentrate at work at all. But as I started thinking , I realized that he is lieng to me. Because just a week before this call , he called me and said he is going to fight and scolded me and my parents badly and said that he will not let live any one of us peacefully. If he had cancer he would have not said like this. Also from his words when he was saying that he had cancer ,he tried not to give answers about cancer when I was asking and has no guilty that he treated me badly. I think people behave good atelast when have these type of big diseases and fell guilty if they cheated or troubled any one . but I did not see any think like that from him. Later when he e-mailed me I asked him to send me the resport, he said I will be in trouble legally if I ask his personnel health information. I confirmed he has no cancer.

Rainboweresh,

Every time, I Speak I spoke to him very patiently, I never shouted at him or used bad lanugaue. He used to do that. Still I did not say. All I said is if you think patiently you know what is wrong and who is wrong and why all these troubles came. but he simply argues that everything I do and my parents do is wrong and they are correct.

I may see him one more time lastly on the day of divorce, that time some times I feel like I will scold him on that day for doing all this to me, some time I feel like I should not scold him and simply say that you cheated me and accused of thing which I did not do and you will know one day know what I am. So that he may have guiltiness for the rest of his life. but at the same time these type of people nevr feel guity and will forget me the day we get divorced and live happily as they wish.
YellowMango,

I do have reasonable proofs of his adultery and the how they scolded me and how that took dowry from me after one year f marriage. Have to see how the legal system in india works to punish these type of people.

All IL’s,
I read every one of your reply more than one time . when ever I feel depressed I read your replies to gain some energy and it really helped me most of the times. Some times how much I convince myself and read replies and talk to my family. still I feel very down . but will become normal once that phase is over.

Thanks every one for your great support. Will keep you updated with my life .
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