False accusations..how to deal with them?

Jazmine83 · Jun 25, 2014

So..my previous post..Divorced and dating a younger guy..i kinda discussed about some of my fears..

So..my BF had a casual conversation with his mom yesterday. He threw my name into the conversation and all hell broke loose. His mom is saying all kinda nasty things. The one that bothers me the most is she said I was two timing with both my ex and my BF. She said that in a vulgar way. I am a divorcee. not a slut. Why do people say such nasty things, especially killing a girls character. She said that because my ex had stopped by to grab his stuff, she was visiting US at that time. My friend, whom she also knows, was with me when my ex came home, also at that time I was not even dating my BF.

My BF knows the truth. He was initially very upset with his mom, but later tried to joke with me and made me feel normal. I could not sleep last night. Why such big accusation with nothing to back up the statement she made.

I told my BF, if his mom needs any clarification, she can call me. But deep inside I feel she is just pulling stories out of air and just making stuff up. Another horrible thing she said was..the girl is dark color...and apparently she like fair girls...sigh. Any advices? Thanks..

yellowmango · Jun 25, 2014

Just ignore her.As long as the guy understands you and likes you,it is fine.Remember...she could have commented about the color even if it was arranged marriage. As for the two timing thing.....that just shows her character.

RedRuby · Jun 25, 2014

I agree with YM, just ignore it. As your boyfriend made jokes about it its clear that he didnt take it serious, which is very good he still trusts you, nothing changed.. so let her throw her tantrums.....

Just one stupid question: how did she find out? That common friend told her??? Be very carefull if it is so how far to trust that person as something smells bit fishy here...if he really just picked up stuffs i have no clue how or even why this friend mentiond to your future Mil.... he/she could have known such stories are easily switched and used against the reputation of a woman. Be carefull...

Jazmine83 · Jun 26, 2014

Redruby,

from my mouth . When I found about my ex affair and kicked him out...she was actually visiting my BF in US, back then we were just friends. I remember telling aunty, that ex still has his stuff in the house and he is not coming to pick them up just to irritate me and he wanted to get back with me. After 10 days I finally told him, if he is not picking them up I will just put them all in a bag and leave it by leasing office. After which he showed up and one my gf spent the night with me and was with me when my ex stopped by the next morning and gathered his things. I think I told aunty finally he took his stuff, but I kinda feel i mentioned that this girl was with me..and aunty knows the girl too. Because just 3 days after I kicked my ex out after finding about the affair...I did a stupid mistake...my ex kept asking about some shared money that I have..very less..around 10k...I was so irritated with him and told him I am not going to give him the money. I gave it to him..but at that time..I was so annoyed that he was using that as a control to boss me and keep having conversation with me. Anyway I aggravated him by saying that...he had access to the house. He suddenly shows up...hits me and threatens to kill me. I call the cops. Aunty knew about this....so I am sure she would have known I would not be alone with him. She was all supportive then. But the moment she finds out her son and i love each other...gosh...so much nasty stuff...coming out of her mouth.

Shina · Jun 26, 2014

Firstly learn and stop telling Aunty or anyone stuff that is personal. Secondly, your boyfriend is who you have to live with in the US so if he is very nice which seems to be the case then ignore what his mother said.

Its good that he is brushing it off and so should you. Do not let what she says affect you at all because if it does you will nag your BF about what she said and this will affect your happiness with him.

How close is your BF to his mom? How regularly does he talk with her? He is not a mummas boy is he? As if he is not going to be affected by what she says then you can absolutely ignore what she says to you.

and good on you for divorcing the cheater husband.

SGBV · Jun 26, 2014

If aunty was talking rubbish as such, your BF could have easily avoided it and not to bring them to your attention. At least to make you ease there. But I am not sure why would someone tell his GF about whatever the nasty comments that his own mother spoke about her.
1) it will hurt you
2) It will damage his mother's reputation
3) it will affect both of your future marriage and relationship with his parents

He could have simply shut his mom's mouth then and there. And leave the matter as such. Unless you overheard their conversation or some 3rd person revealed what they spoke.

I wouldn't tell my husband about all the bad remarks my mom makes about him out of anger. Because it will hurt him, and permanently damage their relationship in the future. Same with my husband. I know for sure that my MIL would have spoke all the rubbish about me when we were not gelling well. But I never heard anything through my husband.

One red flag to consider about this.

Jazmine83 · Jun 26, 2014

Yeah Shina..thats a good advise. Back when it happened, i was so vulnerable since I was in US and my family in India. She was the only older person close by, I shared it with her trusting her...but did not realize it will get twisted like this years later.

My BF is not close to his mom. Luckily he can see through what is right and wrong. When he met my sister in India, he told her he will be very happy if his mom and I do not have much conversation and he told my sister that his mom can be very rude and unreasonable. He was my friends before he became my BF, I always saw him as a person who stands for what is correct.

Jazmine83 · Jun 26, 2014

I agree with you 100% SGBV....he should not be telling me all this. I don't share incidents like this with my friends or family...I would rather vent out here and feel the support. One day when things are fine, I will totally forget what aunty had said....but it will not be the case with my family or friends.
I think I will tell my BF not to tell me any details, without me coming out as being unsupportive. I will be with me..but I really dont want to know the details

SGBV · Jun 27, 2014

Jazmine83 said: ↑

I agree with you 100% SGBV....he should not be telling me all this. I don't share incidents like this with my friends or family...I would rather vent out here and feel the support. One day when things are fine, I will totally forget what aunty had said....but it will not be the case with my family or friends.
I think I will tell my BF not to tell me any details, without me coming out as being unsupportive. I will be with me..but I really dont want to know the details
Click to expand...

Well.. Hold on...
He is an adult. He is in love with you. So, needless to say that he knows for sure that these things might put you down.
Further, as an adult, he also knows the necessity to protect the reputation of his family members. I mean telling all such stuff about his own mother could damage her respect in the long run.

But, the red flag here is... Why would someone hurt his would-be wife, damage the respect of his own mom and create disputes between mom and would be wife even before their marriage.

Shouldn't he be telling white lies and sugar coated words about each others to build your (yours and his moms) relationship now?

He is younger to you. Never married. His family is all against this affair. He is telling you all the ill-talks that his mom spoke with him. You has suspicion as to why would his mom talk like this by knowing your past clearly...

I see some red signals here... Tread very carefully Jazmine.

Jazmine83 · Jun 27, 2014

I see your point SGBV. Very good insight!..

His mom wants to talk to me. He has given my number to her. I know 100% he in not lying or intentionally trying to create a rift between his mom and I . I was in the living room and he was in the kitchen when he spoke to his mom. I was able to hear his voice raising. After he told me that his mom said that I had affair with both men at the same time...i acted normal and tried to talk about something else..but broke down and started crying. I am quite strong. After that, he has stopped talking about it. Once his mom calls me...will know more. I am prepared to hear her screams...but gonna remain calm and focus on the big picture.