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Divorced and dating a younger guy

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Jazmine83, Jun 18, 2014.

  1. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Omnam,

    I agree with SGBV...

    You are going through a very tough phase.

    I did go though what you are saying, for a brief time. When my fiancee's mom (before she agreed) said some hurtful things. I was feeling sorry for myself..which is a no no...self pity is a horrible thing. I came out of my marriage because of my ex's affair...I felt the system was so unfair to me...since I tried so hard to save my marriage until I found out about the affair. I thought the world should welcome me for kicking him out....and yes, my friends and family did welcome me. But I felt the backlash from my fiancee mom. She did not initially agree. I thought she will never agree...was feeling sorry, confused, depressed....and was passing it on to my fiancee too. I had to break the cycle. One day I told my fiancee (bf back then)..I do not care if the relationship ends in marriage and sweat about it...I just want us to be happy...and voila...we were happy....and 8 months later his parents agreed.Marriage is not the ultimatum in life....just be happy....take things slow...things will work out

    Happy people are like magnets...all other pieces will come cling to them :)

    My 1st advise is try to be happy without a spouse. Not meaning just be alone and happy. Just be happy with life. Me being an extrovert and growing up with a house full of cousins...there is no way I can be happy just by myself all the time.

    What helped me.
    1. Friends...
    2. I developed lot of activities like dancing, swimming, gym that I don't need a spouse to do....even now with my fiancee, gym and hiking are only activities I do with him. Swimming I have a partner and dancing I have a close group that we keep putting together performances.
    3. Focus on career. After I left my ex, this was one of the first things I did. Apply for my masters program. I am currently working on my masters.
    4. Never ever let one person control your mood.
    5. Pay attention to how you carry yourself. Smile...be happy...spend money on yourself. Look good..be confident.

    In my case, my fiancee is my friend first...he has seen me drunk, he has seen me sad, happy, confused and more importantly he has seen me as a wife to someone else. He is part of my Fantastic 7 gang, where all 7 are super close and spend lot of time together. I have been dating him for 2 years now...not a moment he has taunted me over my previous marriage. After my divorcee, there were many proposals coming...but somehow I was not ready...I think being patient and having a clear understanding of what you want will help. People will try to force....pls don't budge or compromise where your self respecting is taking a hit.

    One more suggestion...this is a hard thing to do...look at your previous marriage and see where all you went wrong and try not to repeat it. Once you get your closure....you will be able to take life on full throttle with or without a spouse. :):):)
     
    2 people like this.
  2. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @Jazmine83:
    Its good to know you are 'happier'.

    @Jazmine83:
    You already have a good amount of responses(I haven't read all of them). Personally I think age difference doesn't matter. I am trying to look at your relationship in an impartial way. Here are some questions that might help you get clarity about your relationship:
    1.
    Are you sure 'you' are looking for a commitment from your 'bf' ?(Out of respect for your 'love' for him, I am using the term 'bf' instead of 'this guy')
    2.
    Think about which one of these will make you happy:
    a) Your relationship as such & just being with your 'bf'
    b) You getting married to your 'bf'
    3.
    (Sorry to bring this up) How comfortable is your 'bf' now when you share your past? Not necessary that your past should always come up, but how comfortable do you think he will be in case you discuss this after you marry him?
    4.
    Do you know him as much as he knows you? (You mentioned he was with you through your tough time.)
    5.
    Given the circumstances, how sure are you that your 'bf' will be ready to give you a life-long commitment?
    6.
    Given the circumstances, how sure are you that your 'bf' will be ready to give you a life-long commitment even if his parents are not agreeing?
    (Getting married is the real test a person needs to face when it comes to a relationship in my opinion. Words can be exchanged, but saying and doing are two different things. Your friends may support you now but ultimately you two will be the ones leading a life together).

    @Jazmine83:
    Ok, I read few of your posts and I guess things have changed for good. Congratulations! I am keeping my questions here in case it helps anyone later.
     
  3. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    @JaZmine83 @SGBV

    I am happy out of marriage. As you said, I am enjoying myself and my kiddo. PPl say my kiddo s super cool just like me. We shop, study, dance...recently had onsite to Sydney...had me time after 4+ years. Enjoyed to the core.
    Not sure what makes people say stupid things like YOU will have to compromise and sacrifice because it is YOUR second marriage. SO what I am married second time...! what does it mean? Why are you trying to put me down! why these people happy when I am happy just my way? why they It sounds like asking me not to smile, laugh and enjoy coz my husband has left me....and I am supposed to mourn entire life, I WILL HAVE to marry a guy with 2 kids and may be 10 years elder to me..all without love ...not even compatibility....wait I will have to get married...I shd not stay alone coz I have girl child..things don't end here I should not marry coz safety of girl child.
    Not sure why everyone think they are capable enough to advise on every thing in my life!!

    BTW I am not frustrated of my life. I am just feeling bad for girls who want to marry and want to give try to their marriage tag again..and people just knock them down and discourage with stupid comments.
     
    sindmani, shruthisp and ivlakshmi like this.

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