Dilemma. Advice Pls

desposhwetha · Jun 2, 2014

Hey all. Been so long. I hope few of you here know my life. I have been through a rough marriage with a psychopath who abused me physically and mentally for a year. I had the nerve to call it off and now on the process of divorce. I have approached a lawyer few months back and things are getting nastier with my ex husband's family and him venting poison as always

My only relief is my job which is quite challenging and demanding all my energy . I am happy to be busy.
After the ordeal with my Ex I had completely lost trust in men. I stayed introvert in my new office. My colleagues were unaware of my past and I didn't wanna have tongues wagging unnecessarily

Now the issue is, there is this guy in my team who is all over me. We got to work in a project and whatsapp chats , coffee breaks followed. In a courtship of 6 months he seems to be genuinely caring for me. When he proposed marriage I couldn't reply back. Frankly I should have told about my past to him. But somewhere down the lane I fear losing him if I do so. I know I am acting mad. I know I should walk my life all alone. But i am not able to do so.

I have faced abuse and ill treatment by my ex for a year and to live with a psychopath who always maintains a tension in the house made me crib within myself. I lost my self esteem and dignity in the whole period of 2 years .

Now with my new life I am feeling safe and happy. I feel protected.
But, M feeling guilty of creating a fantasy in his mind abt me

What do I do. Is it common for loners like me to fall in love? Is this really love or a longing for companionship?

How do people come out of the past life? How to handle the fear that has been created so strong from the dirty past? How to trust someone ?
Do unmarried men consider divorced women suitable in India ?
What are all the negotiations I should face?
Expecting replies from people who have gone thru a similar phase in your life

Regards
Shwetha

seekingbless · Jun 2, 2014

u must tell him ur status before both of u take further decision.

yellowmango · Jun 2, 2014

Don't live in denial.Tell him asap.If you don't tell him soon ...he will lose faith in you.What has to happen will happen.If he does love you enough,your past should not matter much to him.If not...then you deserve someone who loves you with your past and all. Best Wishes.

desposhwetha · Jun 2, 2014

Thanks . Will tell him asap. But I fear I would lose him. Further I fear of him going around and spreading the word to my colleagues making me feel very embarrassed. Should I just maintain a distance from him and live alone as I have a feel that my life is ruined and no man would take me without hesitations or compromises.

TaniaS9 · Jun 2, 2014

Hi There! I am regular reader of this forum, but after seeing question I had to reply.

See I have been through the excat same scenario. I came out of a bad marriage , and was completely a mess. I had no self esteem, no confidence, and major trust issues.
And in this state I met a guy, who had never been married, is younger than me .... and to whom I am now happily married to.

But the journey to get there was not easy.

Telling him about your divorce : I understand the hesitation, you are in a happy bubble now, after having been through so much, you just dont want to burst it, and have to deal with the mess it might create.
But , the reality is that sooner or later you have to tell him. Ideally this should make no difference to your relationship , but we all know that things are not always ideal. Even today, the word 'divorcee' come with a lot of baggage.
But , if your current boyfriend cannot or does not want to deal with it, well , what can you do about it?

which bring me to my second point
Focus on healing yourself: This is extremely important. No matter whether your boyfriend sticks around with you or not, you need to build back your confidence, gain back your self esteem, and learn to love yourself. You need to reach a place where you are happy and content and fulfilled , even by yourself.

And lastly , you should know that you deserve as much as anyone else a loving companion to live your life with. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. While it is normal for both people to compromise in a relationship , you shouldnt have to do anything extra because you are divorced, and this shouldnt come up in your arguments.

desposhwetha · Jun 2, 2014

Thanks Tania. Ur words mean a lot
I guess its time to act

HasteRaho · Jun 2, 2014

Tania nailed it.

Also, please don't label your past as "dirty" because sometimes bad things/people happen to good ones without reason or control. The past is what makes you who you are today provided that you allow yourself to learn from it and come out as a wiser, stronger, independent individual who won't allow herself to be mistreated. Forgive yourself, recognize you had the guts to come out of a bad situation and take pride in yourself for that.

I realize there may be some taboo in Indian culture around divorcees but I think women need to have faith in themselves, their ability to make decisions and not be pressurized or made insecure because they did what was in their best interest. Realize that your love life or marriage life does not define who you are or your worth. You do. Anyone who thinks otherwise is not worthy of your time or your future.

ivlakshmi · Jun 2, 2014

Hi Shwetha,
Good thing is he proposed you for marriage. Being treated extremely bad by ex we would surely want a caring guy.
I would suggest you to have an open chat with him about your marital status.
Something similar happened to me about 7 mons back in previous job. My team mate seem to get closer to me and some how i was drawn to him. Though he did not propose me I understood that he loves me some where so I decided and disclosed about my past to him . He slowly distanced himself from me and I am happy that I could see his true colors. A person who genuinely love u and have the courage to face the world would surely stand by you.
My cousin who is a divorcee married another unmarried cousin as both liked each other. The guy made sure that the wedding and reception are lavish in spite of relatives knowing that she is a divorcee.
There is a possibility that he can stand by u or he can distance from you. In both the cases you are at benefit. Leave about what others think in your team. I dont think he will disclose anything even if it is a no or yes. All the best

MrsBV · Jun 2, 2014

Hi Shweta,

best to tell him the truth now rather than wait any longer.. i understand your insecurities but for someone who loves you your past should nt matter. however, before you enter into a committed relationship, he has the full right to know about your prior marriage.. be open to him.. tell him all the details.. if he really loves you he will accept you and will respect you for being honest to him.. you yourself would not want to be in a relationship with someone after hiding facts which may affect your relationship in the future.. and being a divorcee doesnt mean you will lead a lonely life... you have a right to love again and if you think you have found a soulmate.. first and foremost be honest to him.. i wish you all the best and big hugs girl! everyone deserves a second chance including you!!

troubledmom · Jun 2, 2014

Focus on healing yourself first. Six months is hardly any time. You are the most important now. Tell him you are not ready if you r worried the news of you being a divorcee will spread in office if you tell him. Keep to yourself and dont encourage him now at all.