Fight or letgo

Hey Ladies,
As some of you know, I decided to come to India to give my DH some time to think over our situation (Gist of my story, love marriage - married for 10 years with 2 kids - DH has a history of adultry - recently sued for paternity by another lady - when confronted for peaceful separation, he resorted to violence - I decided to come to India to give him some time). Now, after almost 5 months, he is still extremely non-cooperative. He is acting as if his ultimate aim is to ruin my life all around - even at cost of his own future and our kids future.
Here are my options;
1) Go back to US, get back to my old job and fight with him for the custody of kids
Pros: I do not have interrupt my career, kids will go back to the same school and may be he will change his attitude to be involved in kids life. Financially, I could claim child support.
Cons: He may put up a stiff fight regarding kid custody, may even resort to extremes (as he absolutely does not care about our feelings now). I will have no support, will have lead a single mom life with a demanding career.
---- This ia an ego fluffing choice as this will give me an emotional satisfaction that I fought and did not give up everything because of him.
2) Stay in India, take up new job (salary not an issue) and put the kids in school.
Pros: Will be very far from him, in peace, do not have fight. Kids need not witness all the drama of custody battle during divorce . Ofcourse, I will get help from family and friends.
Cons: Start new life all over for both kids and I. The role of Dad in kids life becomes minimal (if any!), unless a miracle happens and he decides to move to India. Child support from him may not be possible.
-------- This is a pragmatic choice, lets me live in peace and move on with my life.

What would you do?
If you do not feel like sending a reply, you could express your opinion in the poll.

Hi Drjp

Is your husabdn attcahed to the kids. If yes, I would suggest that you go to US and have the joint custody of the kids, that way kids wil get the love and affection of both the parents.

If he is not then, I would personally suggest that you stay on in India and concentrate on your kids. I am telling this from my personal experience. My husband married someone else without divorcing me and never took the responsibility of my daughter. I had the option of fighting it out in the court, but chose to set him free,as that would have meant long litigation procedure and loss of time and money. I wanted to take care of my sick daughter, so I chose to let go.

One of my uncle's doesn't talk to me till today as being a lawyer he feels that I let him off easily and I didn't give him a tough fight. But, I have my peace of mind.

He never asked for visitation rights or custody of the daughter and gave just 90,000 as one time maintenance for my daughter.If I would have fought i would have got much-much more, but, i was not ready to pay for the mental agony and loss of time. So decided to let go.

Other Ilites may give better alternative. Mine was totally personal experience

Best wishes
Ansh

If I were you. I would go back to US and close this chapter of divorce and custody once for all. I dont think relatives' support and Indian circumstances will make it easier in India for kids and you in anyway.

You are underestimating ease of life in Developed country. I personally feel life will be much easier for you here. And to top it your kids get to have access to all advanced options in education. I dont think you should bother about their father's interaction with them. It s his duty and if he fails to do it, kids will sooner or later realize. You can always take restraining order against him for you and your family under pretext of violent behaviour. He cann't come close to you folks.

Later once things settle down, you can always call your parents here occasionally. That will give you emotional support too. About husband acting violent and giving stiffest fight. I dont think here in US if a spouse doesn't want to live, any law can force him or her to do it. You would be far more fairly treated here than in India.

Since you are well positioned in your career, child support should n't really be a deiciding factor for you. All you want is , detailed and forever closure of this chapter called untrustworthy husband. To me, it sounds worth the pain to go for.

I would list following points as a pro for US option.

- You get to have easier and fair treatment even as a single mother in Society. In India its still a long way to come.
- Kids dont get the notion that mother came all the way here to hide them away from father.
- Your career remains stable and it allows you to have one factor less to worry.
- You dont have to deal with prying and curious social circle on daily basis.

Best Wishes
Ria

Ansh and Ria,
Thanks for the reply, as always both of you have some valid points.
Ansh, he used to be a caring father (as I would say a good baby sitter), but was never took reponsibity for their daily routine. Since, we separated he probably called or communicate with them a couple of times. When, I try to have the kids call him he does not resond very well. So, the answer to your initial point is "I do not know". One simple issue is, if he is caring and concerned father, he would not have done what he did!!

Ria,
Your second point is one of the reasons my US option is still open. However, I am not sure if I agree with your point 1 and 4. In my short experience so far, i.e. about 5 months: I find my Indian friends and relatives in US are a lot more curious and trying to convice me to stay with him. On the other hand, none of my relatives, friends or neighbors browsed this issue with me, let alone giving me any advice or passing remarks. I was quite surprised to see the change in the attitude. Having said that, I do agree with your point that it is easier to be asingle parent in US then in India. The kids probably will not have too many issues at school too.
Thanks again.
DRJP

Hi drjp

I don't know much about the life in US, so I am not the right person to say anything on that. My few freinds who are there do have had experiences like you had, freinds are just fair weather friends. I separated way back in 1996 and i must say , that things are far -far better now. You have to meet my daughter to see if it did affect her that badly. My answer is "No" You have to be bold enough to face the facts , accept them and take on the society.Its always better for the child to grow away from the uncaring parent rather than grow in a sick atmosphere with him/her.

I asked you if he is caring as at times people do strange things to let down the spouse.

One more thing, don't lie to the kids, you may not tell them everything, but let them know that they do have a ftaher but, he will not to be around to take care of them. Don't give them any false hopes that he will come back and so on.

Wishing you all the very best

Ansh

drjp.. I am sad you had to go through this in your life. I hope everything turns out alright soon. I may be younger, but just want to voice my opinion.

Please ask yourself what is that you want?

You have 2 situations.. and deep in your heart, you have felt on is peaceful and other not.. Why did you feel that? Listen to your heart. All these materialistic things can be earned.. but the times[days, years] that you are going to spend in agony and your kids going through, is it all worth it?

You are in India, a biological mother has all rights, unless she is a real devil.. going to USA, apart from your family, where is your support.. Aren't you a person with emotions and feelings too. How can you handle the hard times alone? Why are you putting yourself through such a hard test.

Kids can adapt.. to be in the same school doesn't matter to them.. to give them a peaceful childhood is what should matter.. earning in dollars shouldn't.. but is your mind is in peace is what should matter... how you are building your life back alone should matter..

I have heard this from elders. vicinity ... this can work both ways.. in a good way and a bad way... Since you are going through the bad times... going as much as possible far away from the source is what can give you the peace and foundation to move on with your life... Being nearer and not able to avoid the source will give you lots of stress..Beware, divorce in USA is (1) costly (2)you can never get sole custody and thus sharing means - he will still be in your life - thus how can you move on with your life

So think about all this and make a wise decision.. :) God bless !!!

Nandu,
Your point 2 in the last paragraph is one of the issues that are driving me away from US. Not so much the fear of seeing him, but the fear that he might misuse the custody to emotionally blackmail me.
Thanks for the input.