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Please help me make a decision.. heartbroken :( :(

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by desigirl25, Mar 9, 2014.

  1. desigirl25

    desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    I have posted on this site several times last year regarding my situation. Basically I got married at the age of 24 about 1.5 years ago and my husband has an obsession about a relationship I had with a guy a few years before I met my husband. he contacted that guy before we got married and although that guy said to him that he didnt want to talk to him for no reason...my husband kept saying that i said this and that about him to provoke him...and then the guy said some messed up things which are not true. Then no matter how much I have explained to him and tried to make him understand I barely saw the guy and it was nothing serious he can not get over it and is basically is like I have no idea what you did with him etc etc and does not trust me at all! All this hatred of his had led me to behave badly in the past too with him and has created more and more hate in him towards me. (and me towards him but I let it go as he is my husband - he contantly takes his hate out on me!)

    We have had the worst year and half of our marriage..:( I am so unhappy and have left him several times and then come back my self (he has never contacted me in that time or asked me to come back) but I have come back as when I leave I get this sickening feeling in my stomach that maybe i should have just put up with all this and stayed...its better than being alone and with no husband and being a divorcee. This fear of mine is not going away...my parents keep telling me to take a few months to make up my mind and leave but i dont know why I am unable to make up my mind to leave him :(

    Basically..I had problems with my inlaws last year but I have apologised even for things that were not my fault an now things r completely fine with them. They also understand and try to make my husband realise that he is wasting precious years of our life on this..but no1 can get inside his head and fix him. He thinks the only way to fix anything is contact that guy again which no1 agrees is a solution at all.

    I dont know why i feel like i love him so much and i feel like i will die without him but he doesnt even show one bit of care towards me and it sucks so bad. He instead throws himself even more and more into his hobbies...like playing cricket ALL weekend in summer and a lot in winter too (indoor). He never wants to do anything with me.....at home he just wants to sit alone...never wants to sit with me and watch a movie. if I say lets watch a movie he will..but he will act like he is doing me a favor! Man it really sucks because i really love him and i would do anything in the world for him to love me back....but nothing i do is working. Is there anything you guys think I can do to win his love, make him get over the past, and get him to want ot spend time with me and enjoy it? i am soo heartbroken right now.....when i hear the smallest sad thing about anything...even a random stranger i get tears in my eyes because my heart is aching so much all the time. I know i sound so depressed....at work i enjoy only because i block him out of my mind completely and i try to enjoy with my workmates as they r good friends. I dont know what I did in life to deserve this....I don't know what I can do to fix it....if anyone has any suggestions please hep me :(
     
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  2. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    do you love him? Or do you love the idea of being married? What do you see in him that you feel you cant live without him?
     
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  3. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    Ok.. you love him.. but is he worth it? He's suspicious, obsessed with your past, abusive and in general doesn't give a F about you.. still you are saying that you love him & can't live without him...
     
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  4. Wondergirl137

    Wondergirl137 Gold IL'ite

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    First things first, please goo and see a counselor/therapist. You need an outlet for all that is within you. A year and a half is a long time and you have been going through acute emotional trauma, please see a therapist. One you are string mentally, you would be empowered mentally to take a fair decision.
    Any marriage needs two people to work towards it...dont be so hard on yourself. Protect yourself first..be selfish if you need to be.
    Take Care!
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2014
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  5. desigirl25

    desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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    I don't know why but I feel like I can't live without him :( I'm an engineer and working in a great job so finacially independent and am not getting any love from him. I know deep down he loves me but he is so caught up in the past he cannot get over it...I dont know how to help him or get the love from him. I know this is the last time I have to try to make it work or I have to walk out as I am now 26 and half...and i need to make a decision so that I still have a second opportunity at love and before I'm too old. Does anyone have any suggestions....Right now I am not speaking to him...he is trying to talk to me a bit...but i am cooking normally but just being very distant from him and neglecting him. I am hoping he will feel my absence and will come to me...but he is not. When sleeping he tries to approach me but is not....he is not letting go of his ego :( Does anyone have any suggestions? :(
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    How do you know deep down he loves you or is it something you want to believe? What does he do to make you feel he does love you?You have to answer this to yourself before you can make a clear headed discussion.His trying to come close only at night is not a sign of love.....
     
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  7. Nithya39

    Nithya39 Senior IL'ite

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    What are the qualities you like in him? which you feel attracted to?
     
  8. desigirl25

    desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi yellowmango!

    Yes I agree him coming close at night isnt a sign of love...BUT our biggest issue in our relationship right now is the lack of intimacy. He NEVER initiates....i mean for days and weeks....he has this stupid mentality that only i need it and that when i do initiate he will do it but will act like he is doing me a favour by doing it. I can't believe any guy can be like this!! He has been liek this from day 1...and i know he likes to watch videos...so i am just worried that thats what he does when he gets the chance. I really dont know what to do....I can compromise on a lot of things...and i definitely agree there is a lot more in a marriage than intimacy...but intimacy creates a bond which is really important in a marriage too and if it absent...i feel so neglected .. has anyone suffered something similar ever? any suggestions on what to do.?

    My parents are really opting for me to seperate for a few months to see how i feel. They r saying i will feel soo free and i can do what ever i want i have a great education, job and am completely independent. I can choose to live with them or live on my own. They r completely right...as i am now 26..if i wait any longer for him to change i will not even have a second chance to find someone else..but i get scared as i don't want to pass my life alone :(

    And I know he used to love me so i think i like to believe that deep down he still does somewhere ...but thats also what my parents tell me...that he doesnt! else he would try to fix things....or care about my feelings a little bit :(

    I feel like everyone thinks their problems r the biggest problems in the world...and i am in that place right now i feel there is no life if i leave him....but he is not realsing what a big part intimacy is in a relationship and i can't and dont want to force him to or initiate myself everytime. Are there any guys on this forum reading that also have any opinions on this?
     
  9. Marun

    Marun Platinum IL'ite

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    Ouch!

    Whatever happened is past and there is no use in discussing about it. So I am coming straight to the topic.

    You have 2 choices:
    1. Prove yourself that you are loyal to him so that he can shower his love on you!
    2. Get the hell out of that place and start a new life as you are 26.


    Proving yourself loyal to him is not an easy task as it will take any time can't say how long and you'll need loads of patience to win! You added that you also had some problems with in-laws and apologised for the same.


    Getting out is another solution and this is a decision that will turn your life ans shouldn't be taken instantly.

    My suggestion for you is to leave the place and be with your parents for some time. Have patience and leave this matter for some months. Say 6 months or a year. Then see what the situation is! If there is no improvement then move out of it and look for a new life by doing mutual consent.
     
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  10. thinkingHusbank

    thinkingHusbank New IL'ite

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    There shouldnt be any ego for either party for intimancy or IC. This is what keeps husband and wife together when things go wrong. I think your husband is feeling inferior and has a lot of ego. Maybe he is feeling let down may be he didnt have any GF and did expect the same from you. Dress sexy outfit when you are with him & regular IC even if you have to. Even then if he doesnt reciprocate then look for a change.
     

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