Confused and disturbed need some help to understand this guy

Dreams · Mar 9, 2014

As some of you already know about me that I have lost my husband for cancers 4 years back and now it's time for. Me to settle in life again so trying to search for prospective guys who are divorced or widowed who are looking for second marriage like me, in this process I have found a guys profile in bharatmatrimony and sent interest but this guy was unmarried and in his profile he has. Mentioned that girl status 'Any' is fine for him, I know he was unmarried but in his profile he mentioned it's ok if girl is already married, that's what 'any, means right

i have expressed interest and immediately he called my number and talked that he is also very much interested in my profile as we both belong to same community same town in India, also same age I am 1 year younger to him. He was Happy that he found my profile all those he talked then I asked him if he checked my profile completely he said yes, I asked him did he check my status he then checked and told no he was not aware of that he might have overlooked or didn't pay attention to that, I was also fine because it happens many times guys ask me if I am a divorcee then I have to tell them what is my status,

So this guy was not that happy to know my status and said his parents might not accept for this proposal and said he was sorry, I said it's ok no need to feel sorry if it doesn't workout its ok I said, then he was like anyways send me your horoscope and pic if horoscopes match he can convince his parents, I was intersted in his profile so I sent my pic and horoscope details, then after. Few days he said horoscope match is very very good, the after few days he messages me and said he talked to his mom and told about my story that my husband passed away right after marriage due to. Some accident which is not true but to convince his mother he old it seems and his mother was not ok for this proposal, I said I am fine no need to worry if parents are not ok let's forget about it, then after few days I only called him and while talking he said he has a collegue who is a divorcee and has a kid , but he is different community if Ian. Interested he will. Talk to his collegue about me, I said I was not. Interested so he was also didn't. Force me we stopped talking for 2 to 3 months, then suddenly one day he was online in matrimony site I thought I will call him,he answered my. Call and said why didn't I call hi for is many days and he was saying he was still intersted but it's only he was not sure how to convince his parents and he wants to talk to me and see if he can do anything to get marry me, as he was not finding a right match for him and his marriage is getting delayed he Is ok to marry me. And I between he said his parents also said find a girl in US only get. Married there itself, so he wants to talk to me and see , I was also interested in him so I thought I will give a try , I asked him we will meet once and if he is interested en we can talk seriously and if he wants we can get marry, He was ok with that but he was postponing to me me all the time but he. Talks on the phone too much intimate stuff, I can understand as he is unmarried he has all these fantasies I used to listen for sometime the. I will say we can talk all these if are committed or after marriage , he will say ok then stops, he was not coming to meet me at all so I said I will only Goan d meet him and decide wether to talk or not then he said he doesn't want to. Give trouble to me he will only come, I between he stopped talking for a week, I called two to 3 times and send message asking what happend to him, he replied saying he got flu and sick .. He was bed ridden for a week, the same day he called and said he booked his India ticket and will be going in 2 weeks, when he goes to India he said he will meet my parents and go to my home but he wanted me to tell my parents that he is my friend but don't tell them about. Matrimony profile, I was not sure then I said I will only go and meet him before he leaves to India if he likes me he can talk decide and tell to his parents , he said ok , then. I went to his place, he booked a hiatal for rime for one day .. He said he liked me so much and he said he will definitely marry me , then it was nota. Casual meet it went to further level that it was a lot of physical things though I was telling him I was not ready for anything, after coming back he did t talk to me he says he as busy with office work , the I only messages him what happend, he asked my parents phone number and he said he will meet my family but tell the. He is my friend only... I asked why if he is interstedwhy can't we tell my parents , he says why giving them hopes now itself ..-and also he will not be comfortable to meet them as a marriage proposal , I said ok,,, now he went to India , he said he wil meet my parents I. Two weeks or before returning to US, he was asking if I need anything from my parents he can bring that for me, I said I don't need anything, And also he Says he will talk to his parents before returning to us , as his pens are asking about his marriage and they want him to get him married this time they will only talk about the marriage that time he says he will talk about me, now I am really worried what if his parents don't accept me, what if he is only telling all stories to me even though he knows it doesn't work out.... Why he doesn't want to tell my parents, he says after coming back he wants me to move to his city and find a job , buy he doesn't talk anything about marriage , I do t know if his parents say no,then he will come to US and marry me here in US? Or he will leave me, and marry according to his parents wish... He clearly told his parents are not interested. He will leaveme because we are friends for only 4-5 months , parents are important the. Why he did all physical intimate things when I met him, I am mentally prepared for all those but hoping he will convince his parents....am I behaving foolish here, what happend to my mind....am I not thinking properly ... Need some advice ... Clear thinking please help me

1Sandhya · Mar 9, 2014

dupe************

1Sandhya · Mar 9, 2014

Dreams said: ↑

As some of you already know about me that I have lost my husband for cancers 4 years back and now it's time for. Me to settle in life again so trying to search for prospective guys who are divorced or widowed who are looking for second marriage like me, in this process I have found a guys profile in bharatmatrimony and sent interest but this guy was unmarried and in his profile he has. Mentioned that girl status 'Any' is fine for him, I know he was unmarried but in his profile he mentioned it's ok if girl is already married, that's what 'any, means right

i have expressed interest and immediately he called my number and talked that he is also very much interested in my profile as we both belong to same community same town in India, also same age I am 1 year younger to him. He was Happy that he found my profile all those he talked then I asked him if he checked my profile completely he said yes, I asked him did he check my status he then checked and told no he was not aware of that he might have overlooked or didn't pay attention to that, I was also fine because it happens many times guys ask me if I am a divorcee then I have to tell them what is my status,

So this guy was not that happy to know my status and said his parents might not accept for this proposal and said he was sorry, I said it's ok no need to feel sorry if it doesn't workout its ok I said, then he was like anyways send me your horoscope and pic if horoscopes match he can convince his parents, I was intersted in his profile so I sent my pic and horoscope details, then after. Few days he said horoscope match is very very good, the after few days he messages me and said he talked to his mom and told about my story that my husband passed away right after marriage due to. Some accident which is not true but to convince his mother he old it seems and his mother was not ok for this proposal, I said I am fine no need to worry if parents are not ok let's forget about it, then after few days I only called him and while talking he said he has a collegue who is a divorcee and has a kid , but he is different community if Ian. Interested he will. Talk to his collegue about me, I said I was not. Interested so he was also didn't. Force me we stopped talking for 2 to 3 months, then suddenly one day he was online in matrimony site I thought I will call him,he answered my. Call and said why didn't I call hi for is many days and he was saying he was still intersted but it's only he was not sure how to convince his parents and he wants to talk to me and see if he can do anything to get marry me, as he was not finding a right match for him and his marriage is getting delayed he Is ok to marry me. And I between he said his parents also said find a girl in US only get. Married there itself, so he wants to talk to me and see , I was also interested in him so I thought I will give a try , I asked him we will meet once and if he is interested en we can talk seriously and if he wants we can get marry, He was ok with that but he was postponing to me me all the time but he. Talks on the phone too much intimate stuff, I can understand as he is unmarried he has all these fantasies I used to listen for sometime the. I will say we can talk all these if are committed or after marriage , he will say ok then stops, he was not coming to meet me at all so I said I will only Goan d meet him and decide wether to talk or not then he said he doesn't want to. Give trouble to me he will only come, I between he stopped talking for a week, I called two to 3 times and send message asking what happend to him, he replied saying he got flu and sick .. He was bed ridden for a week, the same day he called and said he booked his India ticket and will be going in 2 weeks, when he goes to India he said he will meet my parents and go to my home but he wanted me to tell my parents that he is my friend but don't tell them about. Matrimony profile, I was not sure then I said I will only go and meet him before he leaves to India if he likes me he can talk decide and tell to his parents , he said ok , then. I went to his place, he booked a hiatal for rime for one day .. He said he liked me so much and he said he will definitely marry me , then it was nota. Casual meet it went to further level that it was a lot of physical things though I was telling him I was not ready for anything, after coming back he did t talk to me he says he as busy with office work , the I only messages him what happend, he asked my parents phone number and he said he will meet my family but tell the. He is my friend only... I asked why if he is interstedwhy can't we tell my parents , he says why giving them hopes now itself ..-and also he will not be comfortable to meet them as a marriage proposal , I said ok,,, now he went to India , he said he wil meet my parents I. Two weeks or before returning to US, he was asking if I need anything from my parents he can bring that for me, I said I don't need anything, And also he Says he will talk to his parents before returning to us , as his pens are asking about his marriage and they want him to get him married this time they will only talk about the marriage that time he says he will talk about me, now I am really worried what if his parents don't accept me, what if he is only telling all stories to me even though he knows it doesn't work out.... Why he doesn't want to tell my parents, he says after coming back he wants me to move to his city and find a job , buy he doesn't talk anything about marriage , I do t know if his parents say no,then he will come to US and marry me here in US? Or he will leave me, and marry according to his parents wish... He clearly told his parents are not interested. He will leaveme because we are friends for only 4-5 months , parents are important the. Why he did all physical intimate things when I met him, I am mentally prepared for all those but hoping he will convince his parents....am I behaving foolish here, what happend to my mind....am I not thinking properly ... Need some advice ... Clear thinking please help me
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You are much more interested in him than he is in you. Why did you call him and message him so many times. See where I have highlighted. in the entire sequence, every time you only have initiated and took it to the next step.

From his side, he stopped process right after he told his mom the lie about the accident and mom refused to accept. He told you clearly and that was the end of it from his side.

You refused to accept it as the end and continued to call and message. Why? So now he thinks you are really desperate for him. He is giving you stories and taking advantage (on phone, in hotel room) where ever he can. Even with the phone sex talk, you didnt cut off contact. You contd to call and even went to meet him. Why? Now maybe he is telling do this do that because he thinks you are crazy for him.

Stop all contact. He will continue to take advantage where ever possible but he will not marry you. He should not have done physical things but the hotel room situation was such that an unscrupulous fellow like him thought why not to take a chance and so he did. Just forget about what happened in hotel room. You cant do anything about it now.

Dont let wishful thinking control you so much. It is easy to say I like you, match is good and all. Words are cheap. Look at his actions. His action show that he has no interest in marrying you. From long time, he had stopped taking any initiatives from his side, calls, proposals, messaging anything. You only were doing everything. Take this as a big lesson and dont pursue this man.

Being widowed at such a young age is not easy. You are correct when you say you are confused and disturbed. You are not thinking clearly. From now on, use the help of a trusted relative in the marriage search, so you dont make more mistakes like this.

MaliniHari · Mar 9, 2014

Let me not start with a blame. But I would advice you to think and re think. I DO NOT find him genuine. Better late than never. Please please stop or you will regret my dear friend. You have an irkling he is not genuine and that is why u have posted it here, well, thats the first step to get out. Just find a genuine caring person. Please do not spoil your life. You are taking steps towards your own disaster! Be alert!! Better late than never!

Dreams · Mar 9, 2014

Thanks sandhya for your reply, but still I want to hope that something will happen and he will marry me... With that hope only I did all these things.... I myself know in my right mind I only called and messaged but if he was not interested he would not talk or take risk to go and meet my parents right. I think I am getting what is wrong with me atleast now I will stop talking to him... He is calling from India also and telling he will talk to his parents

Dreams · Mar 9, 2014

Thanks mallihari, I have already started regretting for what has happend but I will stop talking now atleast, I will stop thinking about him ....

shrutimanjunath · Mar 9, 2014

Op

u can see him fluctuating so many times. Why ru after him??save your life and search a better guy for yourself.

ivlakshmi · Mar 9, 2014

Hi,
I know it is very difficult to let go of some one. At times the bonding happens instantly with certain people in limited time. Most of the guys are very clear about what they need. If they really like you they will come back to you and if they dont they would never make effort to even call you. I am sure you would want to be with some one who loves you for what you are irrespective of marital status. All the best and try your best not to contact him. If he is yours , he would come back to you. Keep your self open and try searching for other matches in BM.

aamrapali · Mar 9, 2014

My response is based on a similar experience a cousin of mine had - almost sounds like I am reading about her, only that she is now married.

1) Based on her experience, I will say the guys intentions may be good, but he lacks the courage to move fast and ahead confidently. It does not mean he is a coward, but he is struggling with his background and social upbringing. This is true for a lot of Indian men - they want to think differently but struggle with doing things differently.

2) My cousin went through the exact same situation - guy said status does not matter, pushed ahead passionately as long as they were loving and dating, but somewhat chickened out when it came to commitment and convincing his parents.

3) However, after a series of fights and arguments and misunderstandings, they did end up getting married but it was a BIG UPHILL STRUGGLE for her in the initial years of marriage - he married her quietly in the US but was afraid (read ashamed) to tell his parents.

4) His parents did not treat her well at all and refused to accept, acknowledge, so much so even look at her face.

5) They are still married and somewhat well-adjusted but the pain and hurt of initial years of marriage is still there and so is the problem with in-laws.

6) Interestingly, although, it may seem he took a bold step to marry this girl facing strong opposition from his parents and all his relatives distanced themselves away, soon after marriage his loyalties are always with his family and not with the girl he fought tooth and nail to get!

Indian men never fail to surprise (shock) me.

So based on what I have written, considering you probably went through some pain and setback with your first marriage in terms of his cancer, you don't want to sign up for a second life of hurdles. You want to take it easy and have a peaceful life. Not another stressful marriage.

Dreams · Mar 9, 2014

Thanks aamrapali,

What ever you have written is exactly happening in my situation, all fightightings are already going on..he says he is not that type who will leave me. .even now he says I am his wife no matter what but he can't convince his parents, he says his family is very big and orthodox ... He is eldest son of his family with so many cousins .. He thinks what all of his family think about him if he marry me...

even in this case he will simply come back from India (I doubt he will even talk to his parents about me... Or he will just simply talk I don't know) tell me that he will marry me here..... That's what I am thinking he never told directly Because he asks promise me you don't leave me..... I said it's not me who is leaving .... Also he talks about applying for greencard for me and in that he should mention me as his wife without that how will he start process for me, he says moving to his city after he returning from India and he will find a job for me in that place... And says why would he marry me if stay in my current place if I don't move where he is now..

I asked him to talk to his parents and if they are ok I will also go to India both will get married and come back .... He says ok ok he will talk to his parents and if they say ok...we can get married there and come , the next time he says he will talk to his parents and depending on response we we will take it from there... What does it mean .... He means if they say no... We will get marry in US or we will stop talking... Then why he says promise me you don't leave me ..... I just don't understand

And as per your suggestion don't take too much trouble second time as I have faced enough already.... I am also thinking the same way...... With this guy how much I can take ... If he and his family thinks they are not ready for accepting me how much time I wil continue this.... Even if says he marry me in US without telling his parents ... I am not ready to face another roller coaster ride in my life

first of all it all my assumption that he says that or not who knows...... God only knows as of now

aamrapali said: ↑

My response is based on a similar experience a cousin of mine had - almost sounds like I am reading about her, only that she is now married.

1) Based on her experience, I will say the guys intentions may be good, but he lacks the courage to move fast and ahead confidently. It does not mean he is a coward, but he is struggling with his background and social upbringing. This is true for a lot of Indian men - they want to think differently but struggle with doing things differently.

2) My cousin went through the exact same situation - guy said status does not matter, pushed ahead passionately as long as they were loving and dating, but somewhat chickened out when it came to commitment and convincing his parents.

3) However, after a series of fights and arguments and misunderstandings, they did end up getting married but it was a BIG UPHILL STRUGGLE for her in the initial years of marriage - he married her quietly in the US but was afraid (read ashamed) to tell his parents.

4) His parents did not treat her well at all and refused to accept, acknowledge, so much so even look at her face.

5) They are still married and somewhat well-adjusted but the pain and hurt of initial years of marriage is still there and so is the problem with in-laws.

6) Interestingly, although, it may seem he took a bold step to marry this girl facing strong opposition from his parents and all his relatives distanced themselves away, soon after marriage his loyalties are always with his family and not with the girl he fought tooth and nail to get!

Indian men never fail to surprise (shock) me.

So based on what I have written, considering you probably went through some pain and setback with your first marriage in terms of his cancer, you don't want to sign up for a second life of hurdles. You want to take it easy and have a peaceful life. Not another stressful marriage.
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