Trying to patch up with Husband

Hi rajpriya

I am really sad, don't lose heart. One thing I would say is that he has lost trust and will take time to re-build it. Since you lov ehima lot, I suggest you talk to him alone and ask him to give you last chance. Try to regain his confidence. Tell him to try and talk it out. Tell him that he really means a lot to you and you are ready to give it a try. Tell him that his love and trust can transform you. tell him that let bygone be bygones. Tell him that he can take his own time to think over it, but he should give it a thought with cool mind.

I am praying for you, I wish your nest is not shattered. please GOD grant this wish

Love
Ansh

Dear priya,

Go to some book shops and ask for vaibhava lakshmi pooja book(it will cost you around 8 rs.).you will know the entire procedure from that book only.
If you are free at office,take some books to office and spend your time reading those books.

Originally Posted by rajpriya

Dear Krithika,
Thanks a lot for ur advice
I din’t want my parents goin down infront of my in-laws b’coz of me But I would have asked them long back Finally ended up like this.
Am gonna explain them that how am fleeing now.Then will take a decision

Couldn’t concentrate in my work. Right now don’t have much work at office so all the time thinking about my bad time.

Since a year am not at all interested in anything. Suddenly went to an extreme.
Please let me know about Vaibhava lakshmi pooja, I ll start doing from this friday

Hello RajPriya

Sorry to hear your plight. But I personally feel you are trying to push things under carpet by trying to make peace. I think your husband is correct in not letting impulse rule his life. Even I would not allow such sudden changes in my life by will.

You are undermining the big event like Suicide. Its not as trivial as you think. I seriously feel , you havent sorted out things in yourself. There have to be major issues for someone to end his/her life. If the person in question did try to end his/her life for trivial reasons then even thats a major problem. The person in question is not mature enough. By somehow working out things will nto solve this issue. You really need to dig deeper. I would suggest visiting a Psychiatrist and figuring out what pushed you over the edge. If psychiatrist sounds little too much, you can have detailed conversation with someone you trust and you consider wise. I dont understand this logic of trying to work out everything yourself, when clearly you lacked depth and maturity to handle differences. No one commits suicide for trivial issues with husband. If somebody does, then its time for wake up call for them.

I personally feel you should leave the efforts of pacifying husband for some months. Let him reach out to you. That way it will easier for you to make peace. Let him take time to figure out his life too. A spouse attempting suicide is equally shattering event for a sensible guy too.
Hoep this helps
Ria

Dear Rajpriya,
Absolutely agree with Ria on sorting out your issues first. Anyone that attempts suicide is a threat not only to themselves but also to the people around. One gets suicidal tendencies when (1) they are extremely depressed and looses self confidence or (1) they want to use this as a threatening method to get attention. Just put yourself in your DH's shoes for a second: in senario (1) if something were to go wrong your DH and his entire family would have been crucified for your hasty decision (2) I think this situation is worse then the first. So, you are looking at worse and worst case scenarios here.
My suggestion would be:
Start with psychiatric/psychological help (absolutely nothing wrong with seekig help when you need, it does not mean you are crazy) and go through a few counselling sessions. Let your DH know that in a effort to patch up with him you are seeking help and try to convince your DH to attend one of those sessions with you. In that session, your doctor can explain the pathological reasons for suicidal tendencies and how those can treated.
Second: I would try some common friends or relatives (not parents) to be mediators. Since, his parents pretty much left the decision on to him, I am not sure how much it would help to have parents involved.
Third: Give him space, do not bother him frequently. I think email is the best mode of communication when things are not working out. Because, you get a chance to delay your response and sometimes revisit the earlier response.
Hope this helps.
Good luck.

Priya

I agree with Ria. But again one point which I didnt understand till now is why would one go to an extent of taking poison..was your husband around at that time? what happened?after your suicidal attempt did your husband try to talk to you and your parents asking what has gone wrong? is it him or you what is the problem?? or you walked away and he said fine because you walked away ..I am also going to walk away from you now..????

You said when you had misunderstandings you kept quiet as you were afraid he would get angry..(are we in a better situation now?) I feel there is no open communication b/w you both..which has led to this condition now...

I personally feel leave your parents and inlaws aside atleast for the time being..until and unless you and your husband both of you talk to each other openly and put your issues, expectations and action plan to make the marriage work..nothing can be done from anyones side..but once you both agree to work and fix things automatically all the relationships will be revived...and everyone would be happy to see you both together..

You said you had quit job and was living with your husband but still your husband told you that its not going to work out..what happened there??? why did your husband come to that conclusion?...atleast when you had gone back did he tell you his expectations? were you talking things openly?

I feel most of the men dont like to discuss what bothers them (their thought is to keep peace at home..) however in most situations it works out well..but in some it turns out to be worse..(just like your example..)..key is to make him talk...first of all both of you have to stop threatening each other...you have threatened him with your suicidal attempt and now he is threatening you with this separation thought...immaturity shows up in both of your behaviour and the attitude towards each other..

its easier to give up on things during tough times..but it takes a real person to work and fix what has gone bad..so first work on yourself..and then on your marriage...give your best and leave the rest to god...All our best wishes are with you...

it is not only your fault, so get over the guilt priya.

your husband is scared and rightly so....because now a days newspapers and courts are full of people suffering because some greedy wives file false cases on their husbands, husbands sisters, husbands mothers without any inch of proof...so your husband is scared....

best is for you to move on...give him divorce and live a happy life there after....because if you continue in vain..you may again fall into depressive and vindictive trap...

move on girl....forgive yourself first, then forgive your husband and move on

Dear RajPriya

From what I read, I get a feeling that your husband is not asking for divorce but he is willing to sign if you want one. Also, he says that he will live alone forever right? So this means that he still loves you but he is very hurt about the way things went/ are going. Because otherwise he would be the first one to ask you for a divorce and plan his life. But he seems to be going through a lot of pain just like you. So surely stop trying to reach him often and his give him some space. Let him get over it and slowly start thinking about you. You need to give yourself some time too. You both are badly bruised and need to heal off first.

All the best ... I hope things work out for you soon

CoolMommy

Dear Friends,

Many thanks for ur reply.
Itz been a long time that I have replied to this thread. Coz thought I have to work out myself to find what went wrong, what am expecting from this relation and how can I work out.I got a 80% clear answer.

What went wrong:

• No proper communication
• Had a pampered childhood since am youngest in family, acted too immaturely when I got into new environment.
• First he gave many chances silently but dint realize at that moment. His silence gave me the input that he is neglecting me
• Expected him to been an ideal husband but I dint act as responsible wife.
• Attempt for suicide –am ashamed of this. Wouldn’t have spewed out harsh full words towards him and to in-laws.

My work outs

• Should not mind what others speak about me
• Should show my affection and love to him and to in-laws.
• He wants me to be traditional,am ready to do so (saree, hair style etc)
• Overnight I cant change him it will take some time

Have mailed him but same old reply (our attitude doesn’t match so itz not possible to lead a life together) I got.
Read almost all the threads, came to know that my DH is no that bad what I was thinking. Simply to say if I would have seen this form before I would have fixed it.This is called fate L

For time being thought of concentrating on work and planning to work out this relation only if he agrees.
So have fixed a time frame after that I will take up an onsite opportunity (he is in India now thatz why I wanted to be here) and to think about future.

Right now praying the god for positive things to happen and came out of mental agony.

Expecting ur advice and views about my decision.Need ur blessings

Cheers,
Priya

Dear Rajpriya,

After reading through all the comments and your notes, it just reminds me of some of my past experiences with my husband (-and the issues we had even before our marriage).

I feel at this point, it doesn't make much of a difference if you still keep talking to him the very same thing and try to explain things to him again and again . And, if it was n't this worse, I would have also adviced you to never let others(including your parents or friends interfere in these issues).

At this point may be - a strong good-hearted person who can influence his decisions (need not be parents always) can be made to take to both of you.

As you have said in one of your postings, he is a nice person. He loves you too in the same lenght and breadth you love him.

Just give him some breathing space. And if he is for you, He will definitely come back to you!!

Hope for the best and will pray for you.

Nicole

Dear Nicole,
many thanks for ur postive hope.

Yup he is a nice persons and he loves me too.
He is very egoistic and strong person. Thatz y when one of his close cousin and friend tried to explain and made an attempt to reunite us nothing worked out. But is very stubborn to accept there words.

Changes cant happen in overnight , But he got realized his mistakes.

Hoping for the best to happen

Cheers,
Priya