Mistake is all mine. Want to patch up, but need help and advice

Even before penning down my story, i apologize for being lengthy in the post.But hope you all can bear with this and advice me accordingly.After going through my posts,everyone would think can even girls be like this?But please see that situations got me into such problems.


I know what i have done cannot be forgiven ,but since i have realized my mistake is there no way at all to patch up with the one whom i love a lot -husband?Since i
do not have anyone to share my feelings and vent out my situation, i am seeking all your help and support.


Saying thus, here is my story that begins as........


Was born in a family of abusive parents and from my childhood had been put into a boarding school to further avoid going through all the tensions and fighting at
home. I have been away from parents for nearly 8-10 yrs ,then once i was back, again i had been through the same environment i escaped from. There was constant fighting, abuse from parents(among themselves and between children). From my college to till i was married(nearly another 10-12 yrs), there was no kind of happy times with family ,siblings etc. Even though we used to be at home, we used to be like in our own terms,our own world. No one would speak to each other ,just do our own work. We were also not given any kind of freedom ,like even to go out with friends for movies or shopping,watching favorite programs on TV. Even to buy dresses, it was my parents wish which one i should buy,not the one which we liked. Even after i started to work and earn on my own, i had no freedom to spend money as i wished.For everything i needed my parents permission. I really used to feel like we were in a kind of hell being restricted for every single thing.There was absolutely no place to share our feelings with parents.Because of this, i became so introvert that i would not even talk to anyone at college,was moody most of the times, would not mingle with anyone.As a result i had very few friends, say just 2 or 3 overall. I became kind of arrogant and very short tempered.People at college and office would find me arrogant and would not make friends with me. I was always treated like an alien.With these kind of personal imbalance, i used to look for love from others. Even if any person would talk to me nicely, i would believe them blindly and vent out all my personal problems to them without even thinking whether they are genuine or not. As i result i was cheated by many as they used to take advantage of my helplessness and situations at home. Regretfully i commit that i was trapped by such people ,who would take advantage of me and make me believe it was love. So after all that story, it would come to my parents notice and i would be house arrested and not allowed to go to office for several weeks. In-spite of going through this, i again shamelessly fell for the second time and was again confronted by my parents. This time again the same thing happened,was cheated and finally my parents decided me to get married to anyone ASAP.


On the jest, i had a bad childhood, was brought up in an abusive environment which had a great impact on my attitude.I was cheated by two people who said they loved me but it was actually all a trap as i allowed myself to believe them blindly.

To be continued in another post....

 

Continued...


In the process of finding matches for me ASAP, my parents accepted to an alliance who had once seen me already an year ago and came back again. So in the hurry to get me married,they did not inquire much about the boys side and got me married off. Here i have few incidents to narrate that happened before the marriage.Most important point to mention is, my father was against this marriage and he did get me married just to get rid of my previous incidents.He did not like the marriage and so he used to not treat my in-laws properly and even during the engagement was adamant with them .After my engagement(my husband wasn't present as he stays in US), i immediately had to go onsite for my project work.From the time of engagement i used to speak with my in-laws,husband,BIL and Co-sister,and sometimes to my SIL too. My MIL was so kind of showing that she was the boys mother that inspite of my FIL calling me and inquiring when i would be leaving onsite, she wouldn't talk as she wanted me only to call her .Till then she said she wouldn't talk to me.So i had to give in and call her.That was ok,and even after going onsite she wanted me to call them daily and talk.Whenever i could i would talk to them and to my husband almost daily. After i was back from onsite,the same continued and it became like i used to call them every single day. If due to some heavy work at office, if i missed out a few days, my MIL would tell her son that i did not call and he would in turn ask me the reason. I admit it was my fault to encourage them to talk everyday but i had the opinion that i need to maintain good relation with them as well. During the daily calls, sometimes she would be nice and talk sweetly,advice me on few things on how i had to be after marriage,and we would talk on various stuff.But sometimes, she would go to extremes that she would say i had to buy few specific jewelry for the marriage as i had to be in equal status with her daughter and first DIL or it would be a shame for her son.She would say that i should demand more money from my parents for the marriage as they have given less property and dowry to me as compared to what they gave my sister(elder one).After hearing these words, i used to discuss with my friends but not my husband as i did not want to start telling him far before the marriage about his mothers demand.I would just keep it to myself and not discuss with any family members. Here i also have to mention that my MIL asked to do some pooja for some 41 days before the marriage,so i somehow did it without my parents knowledge and they even did not know that i was talking to my husband or PIL.They were anyways against speaking to anyone of them before marriage. Even before the marriage, i had met my PIL at my place without my parents knowledge. I became kind of attached to them for showing much care about and i was like if i had any problem, i would share with them. At the same time even if they had problems with my father with regard to the preparations for the marriage, they would keep quite as they scared my father would cancel the marriage or create a kind of tension for the marriage.My MIL would confront me for my parents actions,but i would understand that as it was my father who was creating 'the problem , i wouldn't even say a word but listen to them. And then finally the marriage day came.Even on the marriage day, my father was very adamant on few matters with my in-laws and their relatives. Proper treatment wasn't given to them.All were just hoping that the marriage be over without any major issues.I can say i was also not in my happy mood to be getting married,moreover i was tensed as to what scene he would create.After the marriage, there was again some misunderstandings and i left to my in-laws house. Even the reception was like a nightmare for me as my father was threatening me that he would tell my husband and in-laws that i had previous affairs.So even that was dreadful for me.


With the anger my father had, as per the tradition my parents did not bring me and my husband to their house after the marriage.So for that my MIL would poke me with such words that my parents do not know any formalities and stuff. I kept quite as there was fault from my parents side. Slowly it was like, for every single thing my MIL would point out at me and say harsh words.But i noticed some difference in their behavior too . My MIL,SIL n her husband,BIL and my husband would always talk privately avoiding me in their conversations.At first , i thought it was just by coincidence but it happened every time that they would always leave me alone. I felt so left out at times and would even ask my husband why they are trying to avoid me. But he would just brush aside and say there is nothing of that sort.Slowly things started to fall apart between me and my MIL,as i couldn't handle their in-differences towards me. I used to get so angry that i used to stop talking to anyone and be on my own. This would continue for a day and she would start to not talk with me.Later my husband would convince me to apologize to her and again we would be back to normal track.Like this the 20-30 days had gone by before me and my husband leaving to US.

 

The main story begins......


Here the main point to mention is that my husband's sister along with her family(SIL) used to stay in the same place as we used to .Infact i can say even before marriage , my husband used to stay with them most of the time even though he had a separate apartment of his own. So with that in mind, i presume the story.


After immediately going to US, even for the first day of landing I was taken directly to his sisters house and later on my insisting , my husband took me to our house for the night.Then immediately from the next day onwards,we used to stay at his sisters house for almost 2-3 weeks as my SIL wasn't feeling well.Even after going back to our house,everyday after my husbands office we would go to their house on the pretext of something or the other. At weekends, sometimes we would stay over at her place on her request. Sometimes i would not agree and we would leave to our house but most of the times we used to stay back.It was like i did not like to go to her place but the most hurting part was once we would go there, my husband would leave me alone with the kids or his sister's MIL and they would go inside and talk for hours together.Later while it was time for dinner or to go home, they would come out and talk to me. I used to be felt so left out. Sometimes i would complain this to my sister as she too was in US,but she only advised me to stay calm and get adjusted with them.So i started to mingle with them but things were becoming out of situation that i could not hold it any longer and would tell my husband that he need to think of his family rather than always about his sister's family. There was no place for privacy for us as he would be more interested and care for her family more. At times i felt like our house was a guest house for him ,just to come and sleep.He would not have time for me at all nor would spend any quality time for me,except taking care of the household needs.I started to tell him softly about the situation, but he wouldn't heed my words but would brush it aside simply.Later i tried telling him strongly ,yet there was no improvement. sometimes we would fight on this verbally.even then no change.so i left the matter and as every family has we used to have few misunderstandings and resentments. Otherwise everything went well.


Another point on which i would mostly fight with my husband was his secretive behavior.He had the habit of talking to his parents, sister,family members and even friends on phone very secretively, in the sense, he would either leave the place where i used to be or tell them he would call them later.He would either call them while in office or while coming home.He would finish his calls and then enter the house.That i could clearly see from my bedroom window and also the call logs.When i
ask him what is the need to speak so secretively,he would not reply but just skip the conversation.The worst part is the moment he leaves to office, there would be calls to his mobile from his sister.Inspite of talking to them on phone for quite sometime everyday,again he takes me to her house. I used to get so frustrated that i used to get irritated on seeing the calls from his sister and mother.Even when i ask him why he doesn't tell me anything and hides his family matters,all he responds is if you want to know ask but do not expect me to tell you everything.Is that what its supposed to be like between couples.Do i have no right to know about him and his family?Sometimes he would purchase a calling card and without my knowledge he would talk for hours to them.He used to kind of share everything with his sister and BIL,but not me.I felt like i wasn't even given any importance at all. BTW,I came to know about the calling card from his mail.This was the point of clash for us almost everyday.He even began to lie to me that he wasn't calling them ,but i could see the call logs and find out.When i ask him y he was lying,he would say because i do not like him talking to them,he lied to me.He also started to delete the call logs from his mobile and pretend as if he wasn't talking to them at all.All this added even more frustration to my already angry levels.


Apart from that he would not even tell me anything about his earnings and on what expenses he was spending his money on,his savings and stuff.I myself one day asked
him to share the household responsibilities like paying utilities and stuff to reduce his overall burden.He at first, did not but later after repeated requests, he gave me the details and i used to take care of those bill payments and track expenses.Soon things started to fall in place and continued for sometime but our almost everyday visits to his sisters house did not reduce.But still i did not mind and infact there were times i even took care of My SIL kids and in-laws when her FIL was hospitalized and they were busy with the hospital schedules.Everything went on smoothly for around 6 months.But there were times when my MIL and SIL would command me to cook what they wanted for my husband and tell me what i should cook and what not. Later it was like everyday on phone,my MIL would enquire about the menu and tell me why i cooked certain dish instead of others.Even then i didnot mind but used to sometimes follow what she used to say.

 

After 6 months ,unfortunately my FIL passed away and we(myself,husband,SIL and her husband) had to head back to India immediately for the final rites.After a few days of the funeral rites,my SIL and her husband left back to US as her husband was diagnosed with some ulcer.After 3 weeks ,even my husband left back to US.I was staying with my MIL,BIL and co-sister.Even during our marriage, my co-sister was not on good terms with my in-laws and did not even engage herself with us during the marriage and immediately after marriage she went to her mothers house while her husband,i.e., my BIL was with his parents for nearly 5-6 months.Basically my MIL and Co-sister weren't on good terms but once this incident happened,she came to in-laws house and started to act as if everything had happened because of her was acting regret before everyone.She was nice with me anyways,and we used to do the household work together,sharing the work.I blindly believed that she was a nice sister and used to share whatever i felt.But she was telling against me to my MIL,and i came to know only after my husband told me.She was a totally manupulative lady.


An incident took place before my husband left to US. Before my husband was leaving to US,my father had come home to see him and me and while leaving he asked my MIL to send me home.And i said i can go all by myself without anyone accompanying me.Later once my father left,she shouted at me saying before saying anything to your father you should have asked me or atleast told them that if my MIL sends then only i can come.But you have decided on your own without consulting me.I thought it was a mistake and didnot say a word.Later when i asked them that i would go to my home,she said unless someone comes and takes me,they will not send me alone by myself.So this issue went on for a week,but yet they didnot send me.I got so upset that i stopped eating food properly,not talk to anyone etc.As usual,they thought it was my attitude and called me a conversation.They started to say things like now that you are married,you should not bother about your parents anymore and that ur family is everything for you.That i should not go against my in-laws and see that their respec never goes down anywhere,even before your parents.I just listened but insisted that i want to go and see my parents and relatives.So i talked about this to my husband and he was also so adamant and strong with his mothers and brothers decision that he said if i want to go, then i need not come back to him or his family.And so the conversation became so hot between us that we shouted at each other adn in that rage and fit of anger,i slapped him.Yes,i agree i should not have done that ,but i was in the fear that for this simple matter,he was ready to leave me all together by listening to his mother.So with that incident,the problem between me and my husband started.Later he left without allowing me to go to my home.So i stayed back and even after he left i did not ask my MIL or BIL about going home.But at the same time i was so down inside that i couldnt go home.Once he left,things started to turn for the worst.My MIL would start to insult me for every single matter,saying i do not know anything,how to do any work properly,that i should see and learn from my co-sister.She would always say that my aprents do not know any traditions and would bring all the bad things my parents did for them during marriage.Even after the days work,if i used to take a nap,she would yell at me.I basically had stomach pain problem even before marriage,but even then she would start screaming at me. She even would not allow me to talk to my parents on phone.Even if my parents,relatives or friends would call me and i talked to them,later she would say sarcastically that i am always on phone with someone or the other.But i used to think,when she can talk to her daughter and sons for hours together on phone ,why cant i talk to my family,and never questioned the same.Slowly i was on my own terms without talking much to anyone and she thought that i was again showing my attitude and reversely she started to show her attitude to me.She stopped and everyone else followed.So i was alone and used to cry by myself.Even if my husband used to call,he would talk to her for hours but just a few minutes with me.I knew she was carrying every bit of news from here to him and even i started to tell him about his mother and her attitude towards.But he would not support me at all,instead he would just ask me to keep quite and bear until i am back to US.


And finally before 3-4 days of my travel to US,my mother did come to take me home as they knew my MIL would not send me and while leaving their house she warned me saying if i donot behave properly, i would have to pay for my life and that my life would become miserable.Once i left , my co-sister started to tell everything against me to my MIL and she inturn told my husband.And from then on even before going to US, my husband was warning me that if i donot change my behavior, then i need not come to US,instead learn from my parents how to beahve and then come.So we had severe arguments on the same on phone and finally i reached US. From them on,things started to become worse and even my attitude had become so much that i could not bear the fact that i wasnt treated properly by him,leave alone his MIL and SIL.From the day i landed, i could see that he had changed and was least bothered about me.So i already having short temper,became even more sadistic kind and used to hurt myself for his negligence and odd behavior.I would band my head against the walls, would start screaming at him,would not eat for days together.With that going on between us, i did not visit my SIL and her husband who had undergone an operation for the ulcer.I visited her only after 3-4 days and ic ould see that she was very angry with me and did not resond properly to me at all.But suprisingly she was good to everyone.Even if i tried speaking to her,she would not heed a word to me.I understood that it was all my fault for not seeing her immediately.So i kept quite and tried talking to her on phone,tried visiting her again a few times,tried reaching her many times but there was no response at all.Even if i went to her house,she would literally avoid me purposefully and do her own work.This went on for 2-3 weeks.She would call my husband but not answer or call back my calls.So i clearly understood she has started avoiding me.I told all this to my husband,but he would just say that she was busy taking care of her husband and nothing that she is avoiding me.But my question was-When she calls my husband,does she not notice the missed calls from me and reply atleast once?so even is started to stop going to her house,with the view that when i am not given the minimum respect,why should i go and beg them to talk to me.Slowly i compleletly stopped any contact with them,but my husband without any difference for him used to go and meet them.

 

I understand that this long and elaborate story is difficult for the readers to read,but i feel unless the entire problem is known fully,can anyone suggest me as to what to do.Hope you can bear with my long story