Christmas present from husband

vibha_81 · Jan 24, 2014

desilady13,

You can make friends through IL till you make close friendships

Do not worry about the aspect of your kid missing out on playing in a huge yard etc...I think parents think about it a lot more than kids...I did not have it in my childhood and am pretty fine with it...I also think that i should provide it for my kid but i highly doubt that that is what he/she is going to miss...It is the environment in the house (loving/tensed) which matters most in a person's childhood (even though it is a cliche it is absolute truth) and i think its better for you here than in India as people in India are not yet accepting of the divorced/unmarried state mostly.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. I feel that you are capable of moving forward with confidence.

Maddy2087 · Jan 24, 2014

Dear desilady,

You and your kid both are in my prayers dear . You will win this battle with flying colors and God will always bless you with the best in life.

With Love,
Maddy

Kamla · Feb 8, 2014

My dear Ansuya,

I have to borrow Maddy's words..."Ansuya, I salute you"!!

I am sure OP too will join us in this for it is she who nominated this reply to the FP of the month. Congrats of course!

I truly think you are a boon to many who come to our relationship forum with heart wrenching stories. That you go out of your way to give such concerned and well meaning advice is praiseworthy. That you really feel for their situation is only too obvious from the patient and careful replies you give them. If I were Desilady, I would print out and hang it in my room to give me a constant courage and motivation.

Keep going Ansuya, our family here needs you!

L, Kamla

Ansuya said: ↑

Desilady, thanks for taking my post in the spirit in which it was intended. Reading about your plight put me in a combative mode - I'm afraid I may have come off sounding more confrontational than I meant to in my reply to your initial post! Please be assured that my strongly-worded statements were a reaction to your husband's wrongdoings, not you

I know you are dealing with a lot right now, and none of what I say is meant to trivialize your pain. The holidays can be painful for anyone going through a re-ordering of family arrangements. People in non-conventional family situations often find it hard to deal with the general good cheer, and are more susceptible to depression and despair. Your husband's timing is perfect, in that he has achieved what he set out to do, and that is to unsettle you and set back any gains you may have made in asserting yourself and winning independence.

Remember who you are, and what you have been taught. Much of it will have to be unlearned. As Indian women, we bear an unfair burden for the "success" of our marriages and family lives. You have a lot more to lose than your husband in relinquishing this status in Indian society. Just remember that in the larger picture, you also have much to gain from freeing yourself of the tyranny of a destructive relationship. Being a strong, independent woman requires courage and the ability and willingness to stand on your own two feet, even if this is not something that has been taught to you, or been done before.

Without knowing any more about you than what I have read here, I am quite sure that you and your child are 100% better off without this man in your life, unless he undergoes a radical personality change. This is not going to happen. Accept this, and half your battle will be won. I sense some undercurrents of regret and longing in the way you write about him. Perhaps he was a better man once, but you cannot ignore all the sirens about the man he actually is now.

Make sure you differentiate between your longing for him, and your longing for a stable, loving, constructive relationship. It would seem to me that the two are mutually exclusive. Falling out of love, for whatever reason (necessity or naturally) is not a crime. Throwing your life away for someone who is not worth it, is.

As for all your common friends and well-wishers (those from your old life with your husband), be very careful. Making a clean break is your best bet. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to get involved in and try to manipulate situations that are none of their business. Don't play "Broken Telephone" (how I hated this game in drama class, and how I hate the way we play it in our families and communities) with friends and relatives you share with your husband. It sounds to me like he is putting out misinformation deliberately, knowing it will get back to you. Maybe he is trying to establish an alibi for himself as a loving husband who is regretful about the break-up for legal purposes.

Don't be naive. Be paranoid, and be suspicious. Now is not the time for doe-eyed promises and expectations of good and honourable behavior. You do not have to compromise your own principles, but do not expect that everyone will behave like you.

It is wonderful that you are in a new state, by yourself, although it may not feel like it.
Learn to love your own company, discover how much pleasure you can get from spending quality time with your daughter, and figure out new ways of assessing people for friendship or love. You really need to get smart about reading people - don't allow anyone to take liberties with you and your daughter again.

I am sorry that the lawyers' fees are so prohibitively high. Do whatever you can to recoup costs from your husband. Even if you are struggling financially now, remember that he will have to pay alimony soon, so some of your burden will be relieved. There is no shame in not having enough money, even though we are often taught that there is. In fact, there is a certain liberation to be had from this, too. Knowing you struggled and made it on your own will bring you more sustainable happiness and a sense of independence that will really enable you to soar.

It is not hard to live in the US on very little money (speaking from experience here), so don't worry too much about that right now. Your living standards and quality of life may take a dip, but as long as you and your daughter have food on the table and a roof over your heads, together with some sort of support system (even strangers here will support you - it doesn't have to be close friends or relatives), you will survive. Remember that this is temporary.

Above all, remember that as women, we don't need husbands, parents, in-laws or society to make us feel good (or bad). Our existence is valid enough without the blessing of all these people/institutions. It is nice to share a good relationship with all those are significant to us, through marriage or blood, but the reality of life is that it does not always work out that way. You need to stop dwelling on all these "deficiencies", and concentrate on what you do have, and what you can do. Better things always lie ahead for those of us who are flexible in our thoughts and actions.

Best wishes for the new year... a good time to turn over a new leaf.
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Kamla · Feb 8, 2014

My dear dear Desilady,

I feel saddened reading about the turmoils you are going through now.

Unfortunately, I am neither gifted with words nor the know how to advice you. Ansuya seems to have done a great job and I read her posts again and again. Dearest girl, don't lose your courage and a woman can be strong and resourceful and show it to him how she can survive...without such scumbags...sorry, that's what he is.

We all know of women who lost their husbands at an young age and have successfully faced life and brought up worthy children. So you will not be the first one, think of that...

My best wishes and prayers are with you. Prayers and trust in Almighty surely will help you. But you have to help yourself first. I am glad that you have already engaged lawyers to fight your cause. Don't be afraid of the costs for your life and your child are worth it. Money can be earned later. Let money work for you now.

Best wishes once again. Hope to hear happy news from you very soon...

L, Kamla

desilady13 · May 5, 2014

Thank you to everyone for commenting on this thread, giving me support and encouragement.

My divorce settlement is finalized. I am still coping with a lot of emotions of anger, betrayal, hatred, and loss of words....Next month would have been our 9th anniversary. I had hopes and dreams of a wonderful married life with a husband whom I had fallen in love with after getting married, dreams of building a house and raising a happy kid in a happy family. I am unable to come in terms with all that yet. Although divorce is what I wanted, I had a blink of hope that he would somehow magically change and everything would get fixed..maybe it was my fear of future speaking I don't know...

In reality, he was living with a female roommate, lied everything about his finances and debts and assets all the while still sending me manipulative emails that 'he still loved me'. I didn't believe a single word of all that, but somehow deep inside felt he would change....Unfortunately, things don't happen that way.

In our settlement at mediation, he claimed the two houses, literally threw all my stuff outside the house. I knew there wasn't much equity in the houses, and hence didn't fight or want to go to trial for a couple of thousand dollars. I did get 1/2 of his investment. I got complete custody of my 2 1/2 year old and child support payments. He got visitation rights to see the kid once a month.

I am really not sure how to take all this moving on...every single day I am sitting and thinking, why in the world did I have a kid? If I didn't have my baby, I would have never had to see his face ever again. What I don't get is, how is a kid raised healthily in a household where he has to keep shuffling between families? His father has never contributed anything financially or even took care of him in his 2 years of life. What I am unable to understand and find out is how - how do I drop my kid (for whom I fought and did what is right for my kid) and pick him up while looking at my ex-husband (his father) face again?

Moving on, I don't know what to expect - how could someone whom you have trusted for past 9 years, betray you, and manipulate you with emails, while really stand rock like a stone - and simply kick his wife and kid out of the house? I feel powerless, depressed, and unworthy from the past few days and don't even know what is the first step to move on...

gauridinesh · Aug 19, 2014

desilady13 said: ↑

My divorce settlement is finalized. I am still coping with a lot of emotions of anger, betrayal, hatred, and loss of words....Next month would have been our 9th anniversary. I had hopes and dreams of a wonderful married life with a husband whom I had fallen in love with after getting married, dreams of building a house and raising a happy kid in a happy family. I am unable to come in terms with all that yet. Although divorce is what I wanted, I had a blink of hope that he would somehow magically change and everything would get fixed..maybe it was my fear of future speaking I don't know...
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Hugs to you dear. You have been strong till now, continue to be the same. You have a lovely kid - who looks up to you. Think of this 'monthly once' visit as a price to pay for that beautiful kid and the smile that you get everytime you look at your loved bundle of joy. Stay strong. Like it is said in bhagavad geeta - everything happens for a reason. All these setbacks have happened so that you can get stronger. You've done great till now, hang in there..We are all with you!!

yellowmango · Aug 19, 2014

Stay strong desilady....this is the end of a nightmare.This will pass too....
Tell him to pick up and drop your kid.Very likely he will lose interest soon.Try and look forward ......you have a better future than your past.
Best wishes and tons of hugs to you and your darling baby.hugsmileyhugsmiley

StrongLady · Aug 20, 2014

all the best with your future. May you have a good happpy life.

pear · Aug 22, 2014

Most of the irresponsible, not so attached fathers lose interest to come and see the child.They will appear only when they want to patch up with you.So cheer up .
Prayers and best wishes.