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Confused and torn husband

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by dk69488, Oct 7, 2013.

  1. dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am probably the first husband posting here. I have been married for a little over 13 years now. Honestly, we actually never really had a good marriage right from the beginning. Probably due to the fact that we just never could understand and empathize with each other...our communication downright sucked! No conversations, discussions, free expression of opinions, desires, values!...My wife has a fear of being judged or put down. Her father was stern and pretty authoritarian...humorless do walk amongst us!...

    anyway if I expressed any of my opinions that appeared to be in conflict with hers, she would clam up - no response - only quiet fake acknowledgement. Over the years, I started watching TV or played sports as an escapism (my fault)...we had 2 kids...bought home, had pictures taken (not memories, just pictures)...she has developed her own diversions (dance, friends etc.) ...she started to give me silent treatment and then.....had an affair with one of her dance partners (an emotional affair is all she admitted to - "no sex" she said)...

    I am now going through counseling sessions to try an save the marriage (for the kids sake - it appears to me)....but I have got to be honest once again - brutally honest...

    what I am learning and going through is no fun...but writing about it is helping a bit...I will keep you posted.
     
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  2. akanksha999

    akanksha999 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi DK, welcome to IL. After going through your post, i felt sad.

    When one marries and starts a new life with the partner, one has many wishes, hopes and dreams. it seems most of your expectations were lost in these last 13 years. I feel both you and your wife are very lonely in this marriage. She too must feel her dreams were broken.

    So two people with the same desire for love and happiness, the same feeling of hopelessness and dissapointment are now living in your house. You both have an intense desire to love and be loved, no doubt she had the affair because she was also looking for love.

    Is it so difficult to just forgive and forget the past? Can you both not forgive each other evrything and let go of all the wrong and pledge to simply start afresh from this moment? Is it so difficult to love each other and get to know each other again. 13 years is a long time. Everyone changes with time, maybe you all are different people now. And it may even be fun to erase the past and begin anew.

    You guys have a lot of things that many don't have, beautiful children, lovely home, and I'm sure so many more precious things. It's not worth it to throw everything away before trying one more time. Also you guys deserve more than living side by side unhappily.

    Wish you all the best!
    akanksha
     
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  3. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    hope the counseling helps you in one way or the other.. either to get an understanding or at the least a closure to the betrayal of your wife. either way i wish you a new beginning.
     
  4. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear your plight. I also wish that the end result should be more fruitful and happy for both of you. Wish the counselling sessions helps you in getting back the spark which your married life missed.

    I feel both of you are wise enough to know what is the best course of action. Whatever decision both of you take, it should make your life more fulfilling. :thumbsup
     
  5. dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for your message Akanksha. You are right in that both my wife and I are lonely now. My hopes and aspirations were started eroding because I felt disappointed when I learned that my wife wasn't a conversationalist. She sensed my disappointment and started clamming up even more. It took me a little while to reconcile that. Having stimulating conversations is my emotional need - a must!

    The counseling sessions are helping us with "Couples Dialogue" - which is a respectful way of expressing feelings and empathy. It is a tool to resolve conflicts without fighting. I do not think that is going to help. We are not a high-conflict couple. We are cordial with each other. But we have no love between us - only mutual respect as a co-parent. I long for the friendship derived from understanding, sharing thoughts, feelings, dreams - the emotional connection...

    My gut tells me we are just marking the calendar...
     
  6. dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    Betrayal of my wife hurts for sure!...but when I look deep inside myself...I can see that I am partially responsible for our marriage to deteriorate ...I can forgive my wife for the betrayal...but I am also learning that I can't be the husband she wants me to be...and she can't fulfill my emotional needs either...

    betrayal was cruel but understandable!....It must be weird that this is coming from a husband...I am just trying to stay strong and try some more...

    When I walk away, I want to be able to tell my kids that I tried my best - it wasn't good enough :(
     
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  7. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    OP

    Your effrorts to save marriage for sake of kids is apreciable. Married for 13 years is good amount of time to understand each other. I think in your marriage main problem is communication. Over the time you both have to develope expressing your views, desires, expectations freely without judging each other. I must admire that you take responsibility of detoriating your marriage. Try to make it work, do meditation, counselling, expressing your love as much as you can. Help your wife to overcome her fears, make your self emotionally available, leave ego and try to be with your kids as much as possible. Understand women are victims of harmonal problems. If your wife is getting stressed tired due to work try to help her as much as you can. Buying house doesn't make home. husband wife have to work togather to make it home.

    Life after divorce is not fun so try your best. I Wish you and your family best. I will keep you in my prayers.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2013
  8. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    I sympathize with you. If wife and husband don't have common interests, it is quite common to find emotional attachment with some one else. It is hard to digest and believe. But it is the reality. If she wore nice dress, did you ever tell she is looking nice? Did you ever complement her? Did you ever make her feel that she is important to you? You don't have to tell me. But these could be reasons for her to have sought emotional fulfillment outside. If you did not give her enough attention, recognition and acknowledgement, she got it from some where else.

    BUT, I don't justify her act. If she has a problem with you, she should have talked to you and resolved it. But she did not do so and disrespected you brutally.

    I think you will save your marriage for your kids. I don't think it is ever possible to be a nice husband to her again. You are NEVER going to be normal couple. Please accept it. Perhaps, you might be two room mates who help each other. You will have duties and responsibilities towards each other but no love, caring or other such emotions.

    Even if you go watch a movie, you will feel awkward at certain moments in the movie. You cant even go out with her without thinking how she betrayed your trust. You will try to protect your self respect even more and try to avoid confrontations with her and your cocoon is going to get stronger.
     
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  9. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly. I wrote in my response to him that "Post divorce life is not going to be better than your current life". Then I edited it out. OP needs to evaluate how post divorce life and current life.
     
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  10. peeks

    peeks Gold IL'ite

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    At the risk of sounding controversial....it might be an idea to spend sometime away from each other.... Trial seperation, not because I think you should separate but to see if you are both happier that way. Of course the best alternative is to try and make it work, nothing like it, but if feelings are tense and all else fails.
    good luck and god bless you both whatever you decide, this is indeed a very tough decision.
     
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