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Confused and torn husband

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by dk69488, Oct 7, 2013.

  1. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Why do you think that you will walk away from your kids, they will still be a part of your life, right?
    What if your wife/court lets you have custody of kids, maybe a joint custody?

    It appears that there is no emotional bonding between you and your DW ,and the kids stand nowhere.
    There are chances that both of you may find willing partners who 'emotionally' bond with you.

    Its easy for a married person to find shoulders to cry on as no future commitment is expected and one returns to marital comforts and home.
    Its different ballgame if one is divorced unless there is someone waiting in the wings.

    There are plenty of cases where colleagues and friends have 'bonded' sharing spousal woes as its a perfect way to distress nowadays.
    Talking of spouse's family background brings into light your background as well.
    Please try marital counseling.
     
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  2. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    :eek:mg: I thought i was the only one with this gut feeling...
     
  3. dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    To IndianGuy,

    I confronted my wife in January 2013...I have gone through the process of rage and anger....now I feel more grief and occasional acceptance - "What's happened has happened, but can this be salvaged"....In trying to answer those questions, we have started Couple's Therapy. That's where I learned all that I did in the past that hurt my marriage.

    What I am still to learn and see is "Can I change my behavior that does not hurt my wife" - should be vice versa for my wife....if the answer is yes, "do I still want to continue my marriage" - my wife will have the same question here as well...if the answer is yes...then we start afresh....this process requires one to be introspective - hence, my behavior.

    As long as we feel anger, betrayed, the spouse is unlikely to notice my positive actions as sincere....I think that's what's going on...

    I am in this till I can't give anymore...then I can be at peace.

    In short, I have been selfish in the past, now I am patient (while subduing my ego)
    My wife had been ultra-selfish, but now, she is still not remorseful for what she has done...she still has resentment
     
  4. dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    Flowerlady,

    I will always be in my kid's life...I am a great dad (no bias there :))...If I go for a divorce, I would like the best for my kids - not my wife - not me- but the kids. To that end, mother's custody during the week (with visitations for me) and dad's custody for the weekend (with visitations for the mother) will work best for the kids. If this is not possible, then joint custody may work. If that does not work, then I prefer that my wife lets me have the custody, and she keeps them during the weekends. Otherwise, vice versa.

    You are right that I don't feel emotionally bonded with my wife, and she probably feels the same for me-now that she had an emotional affair with another man. But we both love our kids..so kids right now are pretty happy and "somewhat" oblivious. I do not want to stray out of marriage and seek emotional comfort elsewhere - that would be no different and no less selfish than what my wife did to me. I would rather divorce and see if I can have a relationship, but not while I am still working on mine.

    My spouse's background came into light in the context of Marital Counseling...I did not bring that up as a salvo to attack her behavior....but the therapist was trying to understand that.
     
  5. dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    RathiPrasad,

    You are pretty quick to judge, and I am going to spare you the courtesy of a conversation.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2013
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  6. dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    Simplemom,

    Convenient would have been I moving out when I found out about the affair (Jan 2013)...I am trying to stay healthy and positive and happy (that is my first priority in moving out) - I am now slowly weaning out of anti-anxiety pills...

    Also, my wife is a stay at home mom, who got bored and unappreciated - so she had an affair while pursuing her hobbies that I supported!

    I think I can try to be a self-assertive and independent
     
  7. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    You both seems to have very independent personalities and can function without each other. The basic attraction, need for each other is also missing from the beginning?

    Few ideas -- Try to get involve in your kids activities together.

    Participating in social gathering or arranging house parties would also help. Even though, holding parties at home can be exhausting work, it sets the happy atmosphere of welcoming guests and presenting ourselves as the best hosts.

    Not sure about your religious beliefs. Holding pooja/homam gives an an opportunity for social gathering at home with friends and brings peaceful feeling.
     
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  8. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    same old story.......typical indian husband taking wife for granted and ignored her......wife find admirer outside

    at least some people should learn lessons from this

    OP its not too late to repair marriage. make it work. at least you will have no guilt in future. Kids are looking upto you as role model.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2013
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear DK,
    The marriage can survive provided you forgive her and she repents or feels remorseful.
    It will be good to have a frank conversation with her and ask her if she wants to continue.
    Having a parent involved with an outsider is not a good role model for the kids, sooner or later they will find out .
    You say that you both love the kids who are innocent and will suffer the most if there is a divorce, one can find another spouse but not another parent.
    The effort should be there from both sides.
    Maybe your wife is braving it out and acting as if all is well , apparently it isn't.
    Give the marriage sometime since two innocent kids are involved and try to work it out a new understanding.
    Both of you should try and appreciate what good things you have in your marriage.
    Its good that you are willing to guide your kids if things don't work out.
    All the best.
     
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  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel,you guys may be stay seperated for sometime and would get to know the value of each other.I am damn sure it's not easy for you to live without her and vice-versa.Since we live togehter such a long time without taking any breaks,people forget the importance of other person in our lifes.
    Somehow I feel to regain importance of each others presense in your lifes,I feel stay seperated sometime may be better.No one can replace you in her life how much you guys are emotionally detached.

    Sleeping in different rooms,is that started after Jan 2013 or you guys have been same way?
     

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