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Confused and torn husband

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by dk69488, Oct 7, 2013.

Page 19 of 20
  1. Feb 12, 2014 #181
    JustAnotherMom

    JustAnotherMom Platinum IL'ite

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    Dk,
    You did the right thing. I been wondering why few were telling not to tell the girl. I'm glad you did.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2014
    JustAnotherMom, Feb 12, 2014
    JustAnotherMom, Feb 12, 2014
    #181
    1 person likes this.
  2. Mar 1, 2014 #182
    betty3382

    betty3382 New IL'ite

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    Hi DK
    Read ur thread today. i am proud of men like you. you are a fantastic person. hope u get your children's custody. shame on the lady. she would have informed you first before started dating someone else. i agree. best of luck.
     
    betty3382, Mar 1, 2014
    betty3382, Mar 1, 2014
    #182
  3. Mar 3, 2014 #183
    dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Betty!...I have applied for a joint custody (one week with me and one week with mom)....I did not want to deny the kids wanting to have equal time with the mom as well...besides, my STBX was a good-enough mom...

    My divorce date is not yet known..but I am hoping it will be in the next month or so.
     
    dk69488, Mar 3, 2014
    dk69488, Mar 3, 2014
    #183
  4. Mar 4, 2014 #184
    KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for the Update DK. I take it she is also happy with the outcome as well? After all this is what she wanted. In the long run I think you will realize you did a good thing. Kids will take it tough, but as they grow older they will learn it was for the best.
     
    KP55, Mar 4, 2014
    KP55, Mar 4, 2014
    #184
    1 person likes this.
  5. Mar 4, 2014 #185
    thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I have been silently reading your thread, but have never replied before.

    You are a gem of a person, it is a pity your wife could not recognise your worth!!
    I really wish you had not gone through so much, you certainly don't deserve it.

    It is women like her who defame other women.

    You are a wonderful man, husband and father, I wish you get the best in life.
     
    thegirlygirl, Mar 4, 2014
    thegirlygirl, Mar 4, 2014
    #185
  6. Mar 7, 2014 #186
    betty3382

    betty3382 New IL'ite

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    Great dk. Wonderful. Best of luck.
     
    betty3382, Mar 7, 2014
    betty3382, Mar 7, 2014
    #186
  7. Jun 11, 2014 #187
    dk69488

    dk69488 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ILites!

    The long and painful journey to divorce is coming to an end on June 16th! My court date is set and I will be starting a new chapter in my life. I moved out of my house on April 10th ensuring that I will have joint custody of my kids. For the kids sake, I have decided not to uproot them from the home. I get liberal visitations everyday and get to keep the kids on weekends. I also have vacation time with them allocated each year. Their schedule has not been disturbed one bit and they are doing fine (somewhat).

    I do see that my elder daughter (10 years old) has become more reclusive and does not feel free to express her feelings. I am hoping this is temporary. I tell her that I love her and I am there whenever she needs to talk with me about why "Dad moved out". She is also venting out more anger towards her sister (7 years old). I lay down the rules and boundaries but I am not able to break through to her. I would appreciate any pointers

    I have chosen not to mention anything about their mom's affair as that is going to harm them right now. I am still on the fence about if and when and how to tell them...

    Maybe, when they are in their late teens.

    I am doing ok. Enjoying Cooking, sleeping on the floor (yoga mat - it is great for the back :), playing competitive squash again, training for the Paris Marathon next April, listening to MS Subbalakshmi on youtube, and playing guitar - Life is on the mend :)

    Cheers !
     
    dk69488, Jun 11, 2014
    dk69488, Jun 11, 2014
    #187
    4 people like this.
  8. Jun 11, 2014 #188
    sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    All the best to you DK !! May you get the best in life !!
     
    sweetypi, Jun 11, 2014
    sweetypi, Jun 11, 2014
    #188
  9. Jun 11, 2014 #189
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    DK,
    Good Luck with everything. I'd love to run the Paris marathon some day!

    It's good that you have not spoken to the kids about their Mom's affair. At ten and seven they have no clue what it means. I do have a daughter and I can tell you that ten yr olds can process a lot of things. She knows something is wrong and can't pin point. She is trying to vent by taking it out on her sister. Also, girls these days are already close to hitting puberty around that age. Behavioural changes and emotional lashing out are a part of the package. Such things are common even in regular households and with a parent moving out and dynamics changing it must be tough for her. Be stern about boundaries but also give her some TLC. As the mom, no matter my schedule, I always spend a few hours over the weekend with her one on one. We shop together, eat out by ourselves, watch movies by ourselves and do a bunch of crazy things. I noticed that because of that dd is able to open up and talk to me about anything under the sun with no inhibitions whatsoever. Try to be that fun parent/friend. Try to do things with her just the two of you. You can do the same with the LO too. If you still see issues, try and enrol her in some physically tiring activity. Mine swims daily as she is in a competitive team and I noticed that she is much calmer after starting that. They do need one activity that tires them out as well as calms them.
    I'm sure in time your kids will see your current set up as normal. Currently this is out of the ordinary and hence the sudden introspection. I hope you are reminding her that she is not the reason you left and that you still love her.
    If all else fails, a talk with her pedi should help you find a professional whom you can talk to and seek help. Honestly, I don't see the need for it. Try finding books/articles on the subject and work on techniques mentioned in them.

    Good Luck once again.
     
    Laks09, Jun 11, 2014
    Laks09, Jun 11, 2014
    #189
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  10. Jun 11, 2014 #190
    god2014

    god2014 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello dk,
    Great things ahead so be happy to bring smile in your daughters. Always remind her that you're the best friend of her, you begin to share your views always. You can tell your daughter even after your divorce in the best way. My point is always its the word we use that makes the sentence the best. So don't wait for as if someone tells anything before that or if she hears thru third person it would bring in pain to the kid.

    You being her friend share it now, don't defame her mother and express, tell that she wished to live her life as I was unable to fulfill her happiness. So we both decided to part ways. Your elder ones surely can understand this as kids are smarter nowadays. So break the ice so that your not hiding anything, tell that you be very open friendly to them more than a dad. No external person should poison the child taking this situation to their advantage. So tell that she should be like a friend to her younger ones. Help her in all means. Jovial fun moments will bring in change worry worries you your beloved kids. So always be open truthful, hidden things when told with ease will just flow else later you should find words in diction to convince them make them understand. Better now than late never.
     
    god2014, Jun 11, 2014
    god2014, Jun 11, 2014
    #190
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