A rant…

I woke up (never slept last night actually) this morning with a heavy heart, today is my fifth wedding anniversary, can’t believe we are entering the sixth year into our broken marriage. It’s been two years since we have been living as roommates (in separate rooms), just waiting to get our green card to file for our divorce. We are one of those people whose lives are hanging on the broken and unfair immigration system in the US.

As I lay last night, I was thinking how “fallen behind” my life has become compared to my friends and even my younger brother. They all are happily married with kids, everyone have their share of problems in life either socially or financially, but at least they do not have any uncertainty in marriage and are proud fathers/mothers. I have to be very clear here that I am very happy and proud with what they all have got and accomplished. The reason I brought that up was to explain why I am feeling I have fallen behind.

I always dreamed, planned and structured my life, I was very good at studies, never had any bad habits, a decent son, a decent brother, a decent friend, became an Engineer as planned, studied Masters in US, got married when I wanted to, happy at where I am with my career and social life etc. It’s after the marriage my life went into a spin, partly our personalities/brought up to blame, partly external influences, partly our luck too. I found out yesterday (thanks to facebook) that my ex-girlfriend had a baby, she looked so happy. I was happy for her too; somehow I felt it was a missed opportunity for me because I really liked her as a person.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something called fate or an entity called God. I wonder if God was created by man just to give a placebo effect. I think what did I do to deserve all the bad times I have gone through in the last 3 years, I lost an uncle, lost my nephew, dad met with an accident and my marriage in tatters etc. I was always a giving person, to friends, family and society in general. I used to think my past could have been better and look forward to a happier future, but for the first time in my life, I am more apprehensive about my future and thinking I should go back to the past and possibly change a few things. I am apprehensive of future because I don’t know how much will it be possible for me to be more giving, more trusting, more tolerating etc. after all of this, also it is scary to know a stranger all over again and trust that everything will be fine after getting married. I know my marital values, but I could never be sure about another person’s values.

I am just really hoping I get through this day; I don’t look forward to phone calls from my closest friends and family (even her family), wishing us a happy marriage anniversary. They all know our situation, but are in some hope that things will work out between us. I don’t know what to tell them, a sad “thanks” or an annoyed “whatever”. I already dodged a couple of them with a sad “thanks”.

For those who read this patiently thus far, thanks. Please don’t ask me the circumstances for my marriage situation; I don’t want my mind to think about it, not today. Besides I created a couple of threads on it before at IL. The reality is we both have to move on and really hope we get green card this year.

 

Thank you all for your kind words.

IVLakshmi, no, I do not have feelings for her anymore, I want to move on even if she turns around. I lost the trust in her. Thanks for the suggestion.