What should have been apt reply?

Hi all,

I have posted a thread in lighter vein in "snippets of life" regarding "how to know the marital status of Indian male". The idea to post it came from an incident that happened with me last week.

I had gone to an Institute for some official work. While working in the computer centre, the head of department after asking customary question, like how long I have been teaching, my field etc. Imeediately asked, where is my Husband. I wanted to give him a very rude reply, that what has he got to do with my husband, but i restrained, as India, there is no concept of privacy.

A lady in my age group has have to be married and from husband people go on to ask how many kids, thne, whether a gril or a boy and then why only one child, why not a boy. If you have a boy, no one will ask why not a girl as second child. They don't realise, a lady at this age may be widow, may be separated, amy have chosen to stay unmarried. They don't realise, that a lady may be undergoing enormous mental stress for not being able to become a mother, if she is married.

I answered politely, but very firmly "I am sorry, I don't want to talk about my husband

What do say, what should have been an apt reply

Thanks and best wishes

Ansh

Ansh,
That sounds like perfect answer for a professional interaction. However, my problem is answering the men and women we meet at a social party or get together.
I am new to the life after separation; legally I am still married, however I do not feel like acknowdeging that - how do you address the question in such a situation?

Hi Drjp

I am telling about how I tackled the situation. You may do the same if you feel comfortable.

When I separated , to strangers I would say that my husband is employed far off (he was 1000 km away from my place fo work) and since he is in MNC, he doesn't get leave , so I visit him during vacation. To known people, I would simply tell that there are some un-resolved issues, we are trying to sort them out. People who care about you are sensitive enough not to question again.

When finally it was obvious that thinks would not get sorted out and divorce is inevitable. I told anyone who questioned that we have separated.

Let me tell you, it did require a lot of courage to do so, but once I could stand up, look in eyes of people and tell them that I am a divorcee, I found that I felt relieved, I didn't have to hurt myself again and again hiding the things.

As far as gossiping is concerned, gossip mongers will always indulging in doing that whether they know the truth or not.But, once you have said that you have separated and would not like to discuss this issue, atleast, they will not ask you again and again.

You have not committed any crime, so should not be ashamed of your separated status.

I told my daughter even when she was four years old that you havea father at such and such place, but he will not come back to you as we both are not good friends. The toughest thing was not to deal people but to deal your own child. I didn't want to give her false hopes and at the same time i had to tell her the ways in which she understood and without any frills etc.

Let me know if my suggestion helped

Best wishes
Ansh

hi ansh,
i feel that was an apt reply.and this gives me the idea to say the same when if someone asks abt my husband.i just dont get the courage to say to anyone that i am a widow.i dont want them to start staring or thinking something abt me or feeling sorry for me or just go on inquiring what happened how when where why.... and so on.

Hi ansh

I admire u & I have been reading all ur posts regularly also very little time to sit on the computer thats y I couldn't reply.

First my big & also to ur courage also whatever topic/discussion u start r wonderful. Keep going.

Second, Very apt answer & u r right we get irritated sometime when people ask unnecessary question.

You have handled very good.

Dhivya

Ansh,

In India office colleagues think it is their prerogative to know about another person's personal life. I appreciate your bold stance and your reply. Whether you are single or seperated that does not make you any less a human or any less a part of society than a person who is married .

While I was working in India, my husband's work required him to travel overseas. Since he was on temporary assignments, I had to stay in India and could not join him. There were many people in my team who thought that I had a bad relationship with my husband. That is why I was in India and he was elsewhere. They would say that their friends who work in the same field as my husband have taken their wives. Some would tell me if your husband is working outside India, then he must be making a lot of money, so why do you have to work. All these silly questions came from people in their 20's and early 30's who I thought were more progressive in their outlook.

Thanks Dhivya

Sorry missed replying to you.

Thanks for your encouraging remarks and reply.

Looking forward to more posts from you.

Best wishes
Ansh

Originally Posted by dsrini

Hi ansh

I admire u & I have been reading all ur posts regularly also very little time to sit on the computer thats y I couldn't reply.

First my big & also to ur courage also whatever topic/discussion u start r wonderful. Keep going.

Second, Very apt answer & u r right we get irritated sometime when people ask unnecessary question.

You have handled very good.

Dhivya

Hi Sandhya

Sandhya i differ with you. In my case I am a divorcee, so, the moment I say this, some people are shameless and start asking how and when and then many say that you should have adjusted blah blah

I feel if someone asks you you can simply say "He is no more, but please no more question about him"

Thanks for your reply.

keeping visiting and writing. We can give strength to each-other, when we understand that we are not alone tackling such situations there are many more like us

Love
Ansh

Originally Posted by sandhya19

hi ansh,
i feel that was an apt reply.and this gives me the idea to say the same when if someone asks abt my husband.i just dont get the courage to say to anyone that i am a widow.i dont want them to start staring or thinking something abt me or feeling sorry for me or just go on inquiring what happened how when where why.... and so on.

I agree with all of the responses. It's not anyone else's business!!

The way I have handled it, depends on the kind of relationship I have with the person that has asked me that question.

1. If it is someone I think I will never meet again and even if I did, if I dont care what they feel or think, I be direct and tell them...."Thank you for asking, but I would rather not discuss about my personal life. I hope you can understand and respect that."

2. When I got seperated, I told my close friends myself. I mean really close friends who have a right to know because I know they wish well for me. So, for them, I did not have to give elaborate explainations. They were happy to know I had left my Ex.

3. For those at work, who are more like aquaintances, but still want to keep a friendly relationship with, I say...."Oh well, we tried to make it work it did not work out. We had an amicable divorce and have a cordial relationship now." I leave it at that.

4. My job involves working with customers, who I visit once every few months. Some of them....I just keep a strict working relationship with. There are some accounts I have had for several years and they are more like friends, so, sometimes when we are at a working dinner or lunch, the topic will come up. Since most of them are Americans, I treat the topic light and joke about it.

I tell them....'It was an arranged marriage and unlike all the fancy fairy tales you hear of, my marriage did not have a happy ending......but I AM HAPPY with the ending "

They are really sensitive about it and don't ask too many questions after that, because after this answer, the topic ALWAYS switches to "tell me about arranged marraiges" !! I use that to have a nice discussion about the goods and bads of Arrangaed Marriages and the discussion always is a very enjoyable one and I leave them thinking.......wow, she is a funny woman!!

I guess I tend to look at divorce as....oh well, I tried hard, but shit happens. Whatever happenned has happenned, but I am wiser now. I don't try to come across as bitter or someone who's hurt in the process.

Sorry for ranting away.....

Thanks for replying. It was much awaited .

Since you have been born and brought up in India, you know how insensitive people are towards other's feelings.

Sometimes they (inclusive of females) don't understand that somethings are not to be discussed. Most of them seek pleasure in knowing about personal woes o f other person simply out of sadistic pleasures.

It is said in Indian context people are not worried becuase of their problems but they are worried that why their neighbour is happy?

Thanks for giving detailed reply about the issue.

Love
Ansh

Originally Posted by induskr

I agree with all of the responses. It's not anyone else's business!!

The way I have handled it, depends on the kind of relationship I have with the person that has asked me that question.

1. If it is someone I think I will never meet again and even if I did, if I dont care what they feel or think, I be direct and tell them...."Thank you for asking, but I would rather not discuss about my personal life. I hope you can understand and respect that."

2. When I got seperated, I told my close friends myself. I mean really close friends who have a right to know because I know they wish well for me. So, for them, I did not have to give elaborate explainations. They were happy to know I had left my Ex.

3. For those at work, who are more like aquaintances, but still want to keep a friendly relationship with, I say...."Oh well, we tried to make it work it did not work out. We had an amicable divorce and have a cordial relationship now." I leave it at that.

4. My job involves working with customers, who I visit once every few months. Some of them....I just keep a strict working relationship with. There are some accounts I have had for several years and they are more like friends, so, sometimes when we are at a working dinner or lunch, the topic will come up. Since most of them are Americans, I treat the topic light and joke about it.

I tell them....'It was an arranged marriage and unlike all the fancy fairy tales you hear of, my marriage did not have a happy ending......but I AM HAPPY with the ending "

They are really sensitive about it and don't ask too many questions after that, because after this answer, the topic ALWAYS switches to "tell me about arranged marraiges" !! I use that to have a nice discussion about the goods and bads of Arrangaed Marriages and the discussion always is a very enjoyable one and I leave them thinking.......wow, she is a funny woman!!

I guess I tend to look at divorce as....oh well, I tried hard, but shit happens. Whatever happenned has happenned, but I am wiser now. I don't try to come across as bitter or someone who's hurt in the process.

Sorry for ranting away.....