Want your valuable suggestion Please

I am very new to this site, have read some of the threads and found interesting and very helpful. The problems were analysed with so many different perspectives and with variety of solutions, which helps the people with problems to think deeper and take right decisions. I thought a lot about posting my story and finally decided that I will. So here is my story for which I need your suggestion from senior ILs as well as young ILs to get different views on my problem.

I am a software professional working in US. I was married 5 yrs back.

I was working in Pune when an allience came for me through my Sister In Law. They said the guy is in Europe and works in diamond industry. This guy came to my house to see me. We met him and spoke to him for about 3 hrs. He said he has done BBA(Bachelor of Business Administration). He was a diamond merchandiser, he did a diploma in Diamond Technology and was working for a good company and will be getting Canadian immigration within an year and we have to move to Canada with in an year. So I could continue my work in Pune till we move.
When I told I have H1 and would like to go to US to work if he is willing he said he is not interested in US as it is not a safe place to live. and he said his US visa is rejected once.

I already had H1 but my parents wanted me to send only after marriage as it will be difficult for them to find a guy if I come to US and as people take some time to go back to India once they come here. My parents wanted to get me married soon.

I had got many alliences before and most of them were engineers, who were aspiring to go to US on my visa, or wanted my brother who is well settle in US to help them out or wanted lot of dowry thinking my brother will be giving because he is in US. I was against all these alliences as they were expecting something or the other from us. I wanted to marry a guy who is self sufficient and is capable of taking care of his family by himself without depending on the girls family where he is going to get married.

I had not taken my decision and returned to Pune to work.These people started calling my parents about our decision so I told them to enquire about the family. My parents did enquire and they found the family is good. Though they from a very remote village and have no much money. His mother works as teacher in a small school and have a very small house. They are not even middle class people.

My parents told me that they dont have too much money, but I agreed to this allience as I thought both of us will be working so money we can earn. And as he told that he will be getting Canada immigration so he is not dependent on me or my US visa, I said OK to this allience.

On the first day of my marriage, he asked me to apply for Canada immigration as principle applicant and he will come on dependent visa. I was shocked to hear this. I asked him that he was supposed to get the immigration thats what he said before marriage. He said he cannot get as he is not qualified for that and I am better qualified than him. Then I asked him about his education. He said he has done correspondence BBA. I was literally shocked on hearing this. Later I came to know that he has not done any diploma in diamond technology, he has done a 2 month certificate course. His US visa was rejected 4 times. He never told us this. After my marriage when my brother asked him to give details so that he can enquire about our moving to US he told this. My brother also was very upset with this. On the 3^rd day of marriage he said I should spend for the delivery of the kid if I will be pregnant. I was shattered by listening to this.

I went back to work in Pune, He was in Bombay finding a job as he lost his previous job before marriage and didnt tell me anything about this.

So after marriage he expected me to be a wife with lot of love for husband. I couldnt be normal as I felt I was cheated badly. I used to fight with him a lot though I tried to be normal most of the time, and trying to come to terms with my marriage. To accept the fact that I was cheated and I have to live with this guy was very difficult for me. We had lot of fights mainly because of me as I was just not happy.
He later was trying to convince me to go to US and then he will come as dependent. I refused to use my visa.
He once threatened me to divorce me. All this was within first 6 months of my marriage. After about 8 months he was about to go to Europe for his new job.( He always used to travel, he was a sales man, not a diamond merchandiser).

I also decided to go to UK for my higher studies, just to have a change in life. I did my MS from UK. I worked there. He was in other part of Europe but not in UK. He used to visit once in 6 months, We had sometimes ok time and most of the times fights as we never had any agreeable topic.

He never gave me a penny for my education or expenses or anything. I used to work in University and paid my own fee, my own expenses and till date he has not spent a penny on me.

We have not met for over 3 years now and now that I am in US, he wants to come here. And I think I cannot live with him. There was nothing like wife an husband between us at all, all these 5 years. I want to get divorce from him.

I want to know what is ur suggestion. Please reply. As I am totally confused. My parents and brother say that I should get back to him. But I somehow cannot let go of all my trouble these last 5 years. I had no support in anyway from him. Then y should I go back to him now.

hmm..
Very painful story. But one thing is clear, you are stong and capable woman. I feel you will get over leaving this guy. One thing I didnt understand, why you havent divorced him so far. I mean managing all by yourself for five years, is almost like being single.

You are right in your apprehension that you were being used for furthering their interests. I personally dont see a reason in sticking with the guy. You are one strong and independent woman. You deserve a person who will be truthful and self-reliant. You are not asking too much from an alliance. These are basic building blocks, Just because someone has cheated you, you should not loose your dreams in life.

Your parents and brother are just suggesting what is least resistance path. But its your lfie, you have to live it behind closed door of matrimony. Dont do a compromise which will cursh your spirit and desire to live. Once you take a stand, parents and siblings will eventually support you. Dont get any wrong notion of society pressure and all. Times are changing, people's expectation from life are changing.
We invest 25 years studying and making our career. two three years of cheating has no place in ruining next 40-50 years. Leave this guy legally and take sometime off. You are much lucky that you dont have a kid, you can start life again once you feel healed and ready. Till then enjoy being most important person in your life.

All the best
Ria

Hi,

Read ur message these days.I am really sorry to hear about it.I can very well understand how cheated you are feeling.It is very difficult for you.

You should really try to take your own decision.it is well justified if you don't want to see him.Maybe it is very difficult,but why don't you take divorce from him?You earn to have somebody much better.Husband and wife relationship is so that they can support eachother in times of need.but you didnot get any such feeling from him.

So,just move forward in your life!!!

Pia

Thank you very much Ria. Your words have give me courage and a feeling that there is someone who understands how I feel.

The explanation my parents give me is that my husband is not a bad guy, he has no bad habbits etc. His parents are also ok. But is this enough for a good marriage. What I feel is, is it enough if the guy is not bad without any bad habbits, is there nothing like trust in the marriage. I am not at all comfirtable with him. I dont think I can ever forgive him for what he did. and important thing is he does not even accept that he made a mistake. He says he had dream in which god told i will be his wife so he married me. I cannot say anything to such a person, as he cannot understand what I say. He just cannot think practically.

Now he is trying to convince my family that he loves me very much and cannot separate from me and all the rubbish.
But the matter of fact is we never lived together.

Thank you Pia for your concerning words, they gave me lot of strength.

Thanks for the reply.

Hi buddy

I addressing u as buddy, as I have faced similar situation, though I haven't posted the details of my life explicitly.

One doesn't marry every person who is nice and doesn't ahve bad habits. Mental compatibility, trust and mutual respect for each other are the foundation stones for a good marraige. Physical attraction weans out after a while. It is the mental connection that keeps the marriage enjoyable.

Lack of mental compatibility, trust and mutual respect sooner or later lead to crumbling of marriage.

In your case, its mental incompatibility, breach of trust and no respect and above all exploitation of your resources and you.

Get out of this marriage(though, it pains me to say so),it is certainly giving you more pain than happiness and mental compatibility cannot be achieved with time. Either its there or its not there.

Love
Ansh

I am not sure whether i am right person to comment.Still i say you have every right to divorce him. You are already late and don't delay it any more. As far as your family, its a fact that only you can understand what you have been going through all these years. Even if they insist not not leaving him this is your life and you have every right to be happy. I am sure GOD will give you a much happier life after all this pain.

ALL the Best and take care.

Regards
Sri

Dear "teddy",

Read your post and felt horrified to read about the betrayal from day 3 as you 've said.

You are a very brave and selfsufficient person who has spent a good 5years on your own strength.Why do you want to give this person a second thought even?
You are living in another country,....another continent to be exact ..why do you fear wagging tongues in your home town? take a quick decision and cut off all ties post haste.A man who has betrayed your trust and lied to you and your relatives about his job and qualifications does not deserve a second chance.He will just use you again to get to the US and what guarantee do you have that he will not betray your trust again?
You are fortunate that there are no kids to worry about.
You are well qualified, seek to better your prospects and god willing you will definitely meet a good person as your life partner.Do not waste time and spend your whole life regretting. TRUST is one of the foundation stones for a good marriage and once betrayed not easy to forget the act of betrayal.

Best wishes for a happy future,

PAULINA








Best wishes for a happy future.

Hello Teddy
I agree to all the ladies here what they have to say. it is really surprising from day 3 till 5 years. My dear you are in the 21st century. If you are not happy with him just break up he is just taking advantage of you. Come out of it and enjoy life i know it is easy for me to tell as much as it is difficult for you as you are going through it.
I think you are couragous, independent so start a fresh life.
All the Best dear................ It was really sad to hear your story.

Dear Teddy,

Sad to hear about your situation. Kudos to your courageous and positive spirit in doing well for yourself in spite of these challenges. I could not agree more that breach of trust and use of lies shakes the very foundation of marriage.

Everyone here has given great advice. Very apt and prompt.

I am just going to add and provide you with some ideas that you could use to arrive at a decision.

From your post I sense that you are very confused about which way you should go. You are thinking about parents, siblings, society etc.

I think you need to sit down and rationally come to a decision so that when you do arrive at a decision, you are able to stand by it strongly and then move on. Don’t make any decision in a confused state. Not because you may not make the right decision but more because if you make the decision under confusion, you will keep revisiting your decision and questioning it again and again. It will also pose a major hurdle in you being able to move on. So calm down, think rationally about your situation, try to keep emotions to the bare minimum and logically reach a decision.

One way to ease the decision making process in any situation (not just this) is to list the pros and cons objectively.

When one is emotional, the decision making process becomes very difficult and very uncertain. On the days you are feeling good you feel you can work it out. When you are feeling bad you feel like breaking away from all of it. Due to this up and down cycle of our emotions, the same decision appears right one day and wrong another day. So my suggestion will be to keep your emotions aside for sometime while arriving at a decision so that the decision you make is more certain and permanent. I know this is the toughest thing to do, but any long term and severely impacting decision should be arrived by using both the head (objective analysis) and the heart (emotions).

In your case, list the “for” and “against” points in your marriage. I am sure you have a lot of “against” ones. If there are any “for” list them too. Review the list and take stock of where it points - positive or negative.

Now list your expectations about what you want in a marriage and in a life partner. This list of expectations should first and foremost have the things that you absolutely cannot compromise in a marriage or in your life partner. These will be the things that you cannot tolerate at any cost. Now list things that are not very desirable in a marriage or in a life partner but you will be willing to live with them. Everything that is not listed in the two lists is not important from the point of view of making or breaking the relationship and should not be fretted upon latter.

Evaluate your current relationship based on these two factors – your “for” and “against” list and then your own expectations from your marriage and your life partner. Use these tools to arrive to a decision.

When you finally arrive at a decision after the process above, you know that YOU have made the decision with due analysis and consideration to all factors. Knowing you are in charge and you have the power to change things will make you confident to take on the challenge of improving your situation. You will then be able to focus your energy in finding different ways to get to your end goal of a happy life.

About parents, society etc, I totally agree with my friends here that these are support mechanisms. They are not the ones that should govern your decision making process. If you are unhappy in a marriage, no matter how loving and supportive your parents are you are still going to be unhappy.

Most of our problems arise because we lean too much on too many external factors to make decisions for us. These external factors are usually far removed from our situation. The decision that these external factors make will only be as good as the facts they are aware of. And you will agree that no one can ever know the complete facts and the impact these facts have on us, other than we ourselves.

So don’t base your decision solely on what these external factors suggest. Sure take their advice and listen to what they have to say, but the decision should be yours alone under all circumstances. And you have to bear the responsibility of its success or failure. You could look at it as a very scary proposition, that you have no one to share this responsibility with. But look at it from the point of view of the immense power it gives you to veer the situation in the direction you desire. If you are in charge and in control, you call the shots and you make things happen the way you want them to. Can anything ever come close to this kind of supreme self-empowerment? Not a chance!

So keep cool, take charge, use your mind and heart to arrive at a decision. Know that no matter what happens in life, you have the power to change its course any time you decide to. So don’t lose heart with a few failures and don’t think life is doomed. There are many extraordinarily beautiful things that we are here to enjoy. So get over the bad things so that you can enjoy the good ones.

Good luck!
SS