498-A - The misuse of the law

Troubled7 · May 18, 2012

I ended up on this site while searching for 498a related issues.

I would not agree with Drjp. Also I am not a female.

I would like to describe my story - infact, I am very happily married a specialist in my field and do not have any marital issues.

It seems that most of women here tend to believe that women are right which is not the case always.

In any case read what is written and give your honest opinion if you can.

We are family of 3 brothers and 1 sister. My parents raised all of us with right values - He is a retired Engineer and mother is house wife.

We struggled our ways from middle income to higher income group over a period of time.

I am a physician, I am the older brother and I came to USA so my contribution to economic upliftment was tremendous. My brothers and sister respect me very much for this.

After establishing myself I got married now have two beautiful daughters and then my brother got married has two cute boys and then my sister got married. My brother also came here on H1b and his wife followed. My sister was here on student visa and then her husband came and all of us are living happily and independently.

We never ask for single penny of dowry infact we have given more to our brides then their parents.

My wife is not even from my caste (Love Marriage) - but my parents happily agreed. Btw, they had their love marriage in 1968.

Finally, my younger brother got married. Compared to our stature His wife is from very average family but all we wanted - a good girl and my brother liked her so we happily pursued alliance.

Remind you here that we both elder brothers had gone through lots of troubles in our life to achieve financial independence so we wanted our younger brother to enjoy life to the fullest. We gifted him the best honeymoon package and provided him and his wife with everything which is most of the time is only a dream for many of our countrymen.

My yongest brother's wife realized this and started taking advantage of this. She is from an average family with her father having retail business of selling clothes. They were living in 1bhk home in average neighborhood.

She is very much attached to her parents and her only brother. She would cry about struggle of her parents and difficulty in getting a girl for her brother due to small house to my brother.

My brother who loved his wife just too much would time to time help her family financially. He gave almost 3 lacs rupees to her family from the money we were sending to our parents. Just for clarification my parents are very old - father 75, Mother 69 - and Mother has arthritis and DM and she can not take 5 steps without support - so my brother was incharge of getting money from bank, paying bills etc. Due to extraordinary trust nobody would ever question.

Everything was going smoothly. Then my brother got a job in Dubai so he left for Dubai. In two months his wife joined. Suddenly he started earning significant amount. So they started spending lavishly. His wife then called his brother to Dubai for his settlement so he can get a better girl but he could not get any job. My brother ended up paying his airfare and living expenses in Dubai. In 4 years span he got two daughters - after first daughter his wife insisted that she wants to work and would not like to be housewife - so in order to take care of the little one she called her mother to Dubai. She worked briefly but because of poor work ethics she could not sustain the job. Her education is Bcom so she would not get high paying jobs either.

She would always cry about their parent's poverty and my brother would get emotional and financially help them as well as bought flat screen tv and cooking range as a gift to his mother in law at the request of his wife. Everything was still going smooth. We were not aware of anything until very recently.

Then his inlaws bought a house beyond their means in India trying to get out of their 1bhk to 3bhk with open terrace - cost 35 lacs. Monthly income barely 10k. They sold old house so they got 15 lacs and rest 20 lacs they cooked up papers to get loans from cooperative bank. Eventually it turned out that initial installments were conviniently paid by my brothers wife. As my brother was blindly trusting her she would continue to ask for money for household related expense but effectively she would save and send to her parents. Because my brother lost job and there were multiple withdrawls from joint account he inquired further and found out everything.

Having no saving and no job they came to India and stayed with my parents in our big house. In the interim he also had a bad vehicular accident rendering him completely jobless upto today. He is totally dependent now on us/parents. Because of this situation now his wife could not send money to her parents as the source has dried. My brother has told us all about this as we brothers have great bond - we decided to account for every penny we send to India. On the other hand her parents have tough time paying installment. His brother is not having any job due to education just being B.com.

His father and brother's combine income is probably 13-15000 Rs. Monthly installment of their home is more than 20k.

My brother's wife would ask for money for her parents but now my brother who learnt everything denied and does not have any savings of his own so there was some verbal arguments about this.

Few days back my brothers wife has gone back to her parent's home and threatened to file 498a/DV case if we do not pay lumpsum of 30 lacs. I never knew what 498a/DV is - She has gone to local female oriented NGOs and complained against my parents, both brothers (me and my other brother in USA) and our wives and my sister. Last time I saw her was in 2008. Last time my other brother in USA saw her was in 2006. Last time my only sister who is our little flower and is suffering from rare genetic disorder had seen her in 2007. By and large she stayed in Dubai except for delivery period of last 2-3 months of both girls. In total she has spent 298 days in India since her marriage out of them very few with my parents.

We got a call from female oriented NGOs that they will try for reconciliation otherwise there will be case of mental cruelty against all of us members in USA. When I explained the situation this NGO which claims to be run by female for females claims that they tend to believe her because it takes a lot of courage to come out of shell and complain and there may be truth in her complain. When we mentioned that she has not stayed much with my parents the NGO stated that mental torture can happen in a single day and even remotely.

I am a specialist physician with extra ordinary reputation - I spoke to lawyer in India he said he would charge 7-8 lacs and will make sure that case continues to run endlessly. My other doctor friends told us that laws in India are so female oriented that I do not have any recourse. All I am worried about my old parents who are going through the hell.

If this law if female friendly - it is not going to help females at all because right now 4 females my wife, my brother's wife, my sister and my mother are suffering. We have decided that whatever happens we will fight but will not pay a single penny.

A mediator called me again and told me that they are willing to settle for 15 lacs - this mediator is a relative of them and is lawyer by profession who tells me that if I do not agree and she files 498a there will be arrest warrant and international travel for me would be difficult and also mentioned that if I truly love my parents I should settle for this little amount which may be one or two month salary for me. When I said how do they know what my salary is, he says everybody knows income of doctor in USA. My youngest brother is forcing me to settle as I am the guy with cashflow in family. His arguement is that they are the one suffering because of them being in India and I am far away and unreachable by law so I will be fine so he wants me to settle.

My question is what happend to concept of "Presumed innocence". I personally agree that dowry is dangerous and I have personally attended to dowry deaths and dying declarations when I was working in India as a physician. Those females never get advantage of this law but corrupt females with their greedy family members and corrupt police/lawyers take advantage of this law.
Women suffering can not be denied in India but that does not mean that men have to suffer. This is not a fight against man and female. This is about an innocent victim regardless of gender.

I am sorry that I have to disagree with Drjp and again this is female oriented site but I could not resist writing here because if you are in my shoes you would realize my feelings at the moment.

Please answer if you have genuine response but do not mention that because females have suffered for centuries it is ok for me and my family to suffer. I have two little daughters and in my darkest dreams I would not like them to be vicious 498a filing females.

Important points why this law is not good for anybody:

1. I told my brother regardless of what happens we would not welcome this female in our family any more who has made life "hell" for my parents and other relatives who did not even meet her in last 4-5 years.

2. If my brother brings her back, we will break relations with him - so again that breaks the family.

All you smart females here now tell me who is benefiting here except some monetary gains.

I hope when her brother marries she gets a similar 498a wife who makes life hell for them.

chenchal009 · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

 Troubled7,

well all said and done, what do you say women who have been abandoned and stripped of certificates/every penny/materialistic goods by in laws do ?

whom should she turn to in order to get justice ?

Troubled7 · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

chenchal009 said: ↑

 Troubled7,

well all said and done, what do you say women who have been abandoned and stripped of certificates/every penny/materialistic goods by in laws do ?

whom should she turn to in order to get justice ?
Click to expand...

I had clearly mentioned

"Please answer if you have genuine response but do not mention that because females have suffered for centuries it is ok for me and my family to suffer. I have two little daughters and in my darkest dreams I would not like them to be vicious 498a filing females."

Your position is just like Renuka Chaudhary that because women have suffered now men should suffer regardless of they are innocent or guilty. I think this site is full of females like you. This is just like communal riots where nobody looks at if you are innocent or guilty but muslims will kill hindus and vice versa putting aside genuine logic.

I wish you good luck as I can understand how you must be behaving with men in your life or probably you may not have one.

I am not here to provide justice to countless innocent or vicious females - I am here to discuss misuse of law and its provisions because it is affecting me.

If you have something positive to contribute about merits of the law - please do that otherwise
you are not proving any point.

peacetips · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

Troubled, I am sorry for your family's situation.

Misuse is bad and so is being a victim. This applies to both females and males. The truth is, there are more female victims than men out there. I strongly believe there has to be leash somewhere in the legal system to control this, and 498a is one of it. Again, I am not supporting your SIL. She may have some other story on her side (because husband wife relationship is more than money aspect, and I am not sure what else went wrong between your brother and SIL).

mommybird · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

Troubled, I am sorry for what you are going through. There are all sorts of men and women and women are no less than men if they decide to harass their spouses.

Coming to your situation, I can give you a few suggestions. Let me know if implementing this is feasible. If not, I can consult with my other lawyer friends and get back to you.

1. Make your brother talk to her in a calm manner and ask her what she wants. Ensure she says during the conversation that she has already taken lakhs of money from you guys and that she will not leave you guys until you pay up. Use this as a tool and talk to a competent lawyer.

2. What about his two daughters who are caught in this mess? Can they testify? Has your brother tried to reach out to them?

3. Bring your parents to the US if possible for some time. The cops in India can do anything to extract a few thousand bucks. So please consider this option asap.

Last, **** happens to most of us. Its a hard time for your family. Hang in there and I really wish you all the luck.

Troubled7 · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

mommybird said: ↑

Troubled, I am sorry for what you are going through. There are all sorts of men and women and women are no less than men if they decide to harass their spouses.

Coming to your situation, I can give you a few suggestions. Let me know if implementing this is feasible. If not, I can consult with my other lawyer friends and get back to you.

1. Make your brother talk to her in a calm manner and ask her what she wants. Ensure she says during the conversation that she has already taken lakhs of money from you guys and that she will not leave you guys until you pay up. Use this as a tool and talk to a competent lawyer.

2. What about his two daughters who are caught in this mess? Can they testify? Has your brother tried to reach out to them?

3. Bring your parents to the US if possible for some time. The cops in India can do anything to extract a few thousand bucks. So please consider this option asap.

Last, **** happens to most of us. Its a hard time for your family. Hang in there and I really wish you all the luck.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your comments. We have decided not to succumb to any pressure for extortion. Your reply is the best so far. Otherwise general census in this forum "females are suffering so bad laws are required"

I am not against having law but Draconian provision of implicating everybody without evidence and screw up their normal routine lives is just like "Taliban".

In last few days I think I am going to become men's advocate may sound like most of the venomous females here.

In any case your reply is sincerely appreciated. As much as females have suffered it is not a basis for suffering of innocent people which seems like a general consensus in this forum.

Sandybeach · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

Your brother's wife is cunning, vicious and downright wicked. I undestand your frustration But whats the deal with the repetitive usage of terms like the sarcastic 'smart females' and 'vicious females'? There are other threads here started by harassed/abused men and there have been wonderful unbiased suggestions given out by members of IL so you dont have to keep mentioning your lack of expectations from this forum.
Coming to your problem, the woman deserves to be taught a lesson. I respect your family for putting up with her exploitation all these years. Is it possible to lodge a complaint on her and her family? Do not give her a clue on this. Or she might launch her NGO against your family before you can do anything and since she will be the first one to make this public, she will have an advantage. Even if you are able to lodge a complaint first, expect this NGO to act, talk to your lawyers before hand, anticipate what she might do next and have a plan to counter her steps. At any cost, DO NOT give in to her money hungry demands, well, it seems like you have already decided that. Just reminding you that you have no obligations towards this woman who has done nothing but eat your family's money unreasonably.
Hope you will come out of this unscathed,its unfair that your wife, daughters and the rest of your family is caught in this drama-all this because you make money!

shyamalajh · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

Troubled7,

A very close friend of mine, I know her and her family very, very well. She was troubled by her brother's wife. My friend had to go in to hiding due to this. At least 2 of my cousins and their families(moms, sisters) were in similar trouble. One cousin is constantly under threat. At the same time I know relatives who trouble wives and wives do nothing.

Politicians and bureaucrats are unimaginative. They do seem to believe in Zero-sum games as part of their vote bank politics whether in case DV or helping disadvantaged or something else.

USA doesn't have any less DV. The difference USA made proper law which is working well while not allowing any abuse by people like your SIL. India, the case is different.

It is not necessary that men have to suffer, so that female victims can be helped. India has inefficient system and law makers. They should find better ways.

anonymou · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

The problem is laws in India are so biased that they do not even recognize the fact that a husband can be abused.

Troubled7 · May 18, 2012

Re: 498-A The other side of the coin

Thanks for your reply @Sandybeach and Shyamalajh.

@Sandybeach - yes, there are unbiased replied but by and large most of members here are anti men here and would not think neutrally. You have to think neutrally and in this forum there is significant lack of neutral thinking. Most of answers I see is "what about countless females who suffered for countless years" - so now go out and trouble every man.

I am surprised at such attitude by females.

In any case, we gonna put up fight but imagine how tough it will be. In eyes of law, if she really files the case I am guilty until proven innocent, my wife is guilty until proven innocent, my parents, my brother, my sister and my brother's wife all are guilty until proven innocent. Out of 8 members she would accuse 5 have not seen her in last 4-5 years. But as per lawyer there is a good chance that if I visit India I can not come back right away. I have a thriving practice here so "yes" they may use this to force me to settle as they know if they can play with law and keep me in India I would have 10x loss.

@Shyamalajh: DV now a days has not much to do with dowry but when you put the word dowry it is such an easy tool for extortion. Conviction rate is so low in these cases accounting for poor justice, compromise etc etc. it is still very low and suggest that this law is misused.

I sincerely wish that some of females who openly advocate "men's suffering" here should have taste of this by their brother's wife and then would like to see their reaction.