Husband's attitude, indulgence and other problems... :(

Sindhu,

Welcome to married women 's club.

Now before I offer any advice. I have few questions.
- How many years of marriage?
- What is so disgusting about some adult guy watching adult content once in a while?
- This question is totally optional, you may refuse to answer if you dont feel comfortable. During courtship of three years , were you guys close physically or was it just platonic love affair?

To me, it sounds like, you are into first two years of marriage and you were never close physically to your man before marriage. So there was diconnect from the beginning. For any healthy bonding to happen, people first need to understand each other's tastes and preferences in all the sphere, be it intimacy, co-operation or understanding.

Whatever I have seen around with other couple who are in years of love before marriage. I dont think people utilise that time to really know a person. They are just harbouring their inhibitions and uncertainties with the prospect of having someone to marry someday. Thats why people land like this after years of affairs also. Because they never really tried to read each other' s mind.

Now coming back to present, your problem seed back to past of few years. Since you people never bonded really. It a highly important that you allow that to happen first. Rather than getting the later smooth part of matrimony, where a spouse care for your health and wishes, helps in kitchen. You need to solve these teething issues.

Ria

 

Thats what marriage does.

Before marriage, both will just show their best part... Only when you start living with them, you get to know them fully ..Big LaughBig Laugh

No worries, no one is perfect in this world. Adjustments, compromises to be done every other day for a smooth life.

Now coming to your issues:

(1) Not many hubbys out there, caringly question their wives and chat with them about their day to day life.. Atleast you work, just imagine the fate of many housewives, who do the chores at home and still not get appreciated .. Thats how most men are. Next time, when you are in good mood, tell him, you want to be showered with few love then and there, appreciated. Tell him, small words does wonders and you need it after a long day of work. Tell him you want him to pamper you at times. Communication is very important between husband and wife. Talk freely and tell you partner what you want.

(2) Not helping you: Big Laughits the same old story my dearie... We have to work on this step by step with lots of patience. Remember patience is very important for a successful marriage/relationship. If you are very tired and you want help, call him. Tell him, why not we both do some stuff in kitchen and chat as well. Tell him to cut veggies for you. When you go out, make sure you carry the garbage till the door and tell him to just carry it outside.Tell him, that you are busy with cooking or doing something in kitchen and this needs to be thrown out, else it will stink the whole placeBig Laugh try to be jovial to get the job done... There is a proverb in tamil, let me translate it in english (hopefully correctly LOL).. A stone can be melted by an ant...with lots of patience...


(3) Adult Content watching : Now, this is a bad one... A guy can do stuff, but when you said that you dont like that and you feel bad about it, he should not do it. Next time, dont fight or argue with them. Sit down and talk to him openly. Ask him what he likes in there, he feels he wants to see it. Ask him if he wants to be adventurous in bed. Tell him you are ready to do whatever (with your liking obviously) for both to be satisfied. Wife and husband to talk openly to what they want to please themselves. So communicate with them one day.
It might be that some guys just want to see for the heck of it. If thats the case, then its upto you sindu.. Its not as if the guy is going to go and do something physically, its just lust to see them in sites. If you trust your guy, that shouldnt be an issue. But at the same time, if you hate it, your guy should respect that as well.

Finally, I know you will be irritated, frustration and all your happily-everafter-married-life is long gone.. But sweetie, marriage is a mix of everything.. - TRUST, COMPROMISES, ADJUSTMENTS, PATIENCE among other stuff is needed to have a smooth life. So dont rush to conclusions. Talk to him and try to make this relationship work.. Coz end of the day, you love this person, right?

 

Hi Nandshyam ,
what ever u wrote is very true...hope sindhu got her answers...

 

Hi Sindhu,

Communication communication and communication...that is the magic mantra for good marriages...believe me bcos I have learnt it the hard way.

I was not the very communicative type in my marriage and hence my husband always had difficulty in finding out what was on my mind....result..i sulked in silence for years...now 5yrs since our marriage...i have started to talk about how i feel and it has led to a better relationship between me and my husband.

For you, I guess you need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about the issues. TALK not fight. The conversation should not be one where you list out things he does not do and point fingers at him. The conversation should be one where you list out things that he could do for you. The timing also is important. Please do not try to make him sit down and have a conversation after he has had a bad day at office..the result will not be pretty.

With regards to adult content, my personal opinion is that it should be OK if he does it. I understand that you don't like it but if you give in a little, he would give in a little too. You could talk to him on this issue (like what skavi has suggested) and let him know that a little bit is OK as long as it doesnt interfere with your private time.

Hope this helps!

 

Hi!

All ladies gave really wonderful advices that I don't really have much to add to unless it's about the **** issue.

It could be true what someone said how you two might not be comfortable physically and it could be leading him to go find alternatives instead.

But even after many times you told him how hate it, and even he seemed to listen but then started again, I'm just wondering if he has developed addiction--just like smoking, drinking addiction, sometimes it is really hard to stop this even if they want to. One way or another they might lose their will and get back into adult content again. More information could be found here: Pornography addiction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Main way for him to stop this is to gather his control of mind--its the only way he can stop this IF he wants to, mind you. Explain to him how his viewing habits make you feel uncomfortable and inadequate and how it's affecting your marriage too. When he does want to break this habit, support him through love instead of punishing him by getting more intimate with him so that he would be satisfied more. You can also do things like put password on laptop or put cybersitter on it to monitor, etc so that he wouldn't easily be able to access it--more often than not, he accesses the sites even after he feels sorry for his actions and would want to stop it is because of the sheer availability and ease of accessing adult content.

So make it harder for him to access it and support him lovingly to get him the control of his mind.

Be careful when starting all this though, since this can only work if you know that he's sorry about this and WANTS to stop this. So have the talk gently and explain more toward how you feel hurt instead of accusing him and his morals. He needs to understand that his actions are hurting you FIRST instead of feeling like he's doing something wrong but it's only about him and not really about you.

Some more sites that could help are here:
Breaking Pornography Addiction
Sexual Recovery Institute :: **** Addiction
UTD Counseling Center: Self-Help: Overcoming Pornography Addiction


Just know though--marriage is hard and there will be many trials, but God won't give you trials like these if he didn't think you can overcome it, right? Otherwise, he's not a loving God. So take courage and get patience and BELIEVE in you, ur husband and God and get through this.

Best of luck to you both!

 

I love that everyone is trying to help, but no one has mentioned the fact that your husband HIT you. I dont know what century we are in, but that is not allowed.
What should she do about this situation before we start telling her that her husband watching **** is ok and that she should adjust to it??

 

I 100% agree with Anjali. Why women have to adjust for every wrong deed a husband does. Hitting one's wife is a serious offense. Once when my hubby did that based on the brain wash from his dearest mother, I hit him in return to what he did and told him clearly that I am no way inferior to him. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. He either needs to stop this forever or we both part or let me call all our neighbors and ask them , how many men hit their wives and let him get a fair judgement from the people around. Thats when he calmed down.

You know what lady, very soon you will get to ignore these adult content things. My advice to you, whatever he does to you, you start giving him the same thing. I have started that now. Even my hubby was somewhat addicted to adult content. I started watching infront of him ignoring his presence. Thats when he realized and now the addiction is gone for sure but he still downloads them and asks me if we both can watch them once in a while. This is fine to me as long as its healthy and does not turn upto an addiction.

My hubby does not care for me at all. If I am ill he would never ever ask me if I need to go to the medics, or how I am at any moment. If he is unwell and I ask him about his medication or accompanying him to the hospital, he gets annoyed. So, I stopped them and behave just as he behaves with me. I leave him alone. Initially you would find it very hard but gradually you will get used to with him.

Seeing his friends, who pamper, care and support their wives for every trivial things, makes me upset. I ask God, what did I do differently than the girl next door who is our friend and gets everything that I dwell upon.

 

hi dear,
My husband was the same... never uttered a loving word, offered no help or cared for me. I adjusted and stopped expecting it. even when i was pregnant he would only ask me "where is dinner", totally ignoring all my morning sickness, nausea and giddiness...
he even invited his friend and his wife to stay with us for 2 months when his friend lost his job and i had to cook for 4 daily alone when i was 6 months pregnant.
its hard to change these people, they are programmed that way by our ancestors and culture to take us for granted and use us like an unpaid servant...

 

I don't even feel like I can go into detail about Sindhu's problems here as it saddens me greatly to hear that women are having this experience of married life.

I don't think this is typical behavour of a married man, and if it is in some circles, that's a crying shame. No woman should have to put up with an inattentive, slothful, selfish husband who brings nothing to the relationship in terms of personality or emotional support.

As for the physical abuse, it is INEXCUSABLE. Sindhu, you are a woman, not some kind of pack animal who can be flogged for not obeying. Actually, there are laws against hitting animals too, so where does that leave you as a human being?

The issue has been dealt with quite nicely by the other ladies here, and I'll just add my opinion, which has already been said: it is an individual matter of preference, but if it upsets you, your husband should respect your feelings enough not to do it. I can see how you find it disrespectful and insulting to you as a woman, and you have every right to ask him not to do it. After all, he is a grown man, and not some horny teenager with raging hormones and no physical outlet. Maybe your husband should grow up a bit and try to channel all the sexual energy he is putting into adult content into your sex life instead. But that would require work and effort and caring on his part, and he doesn't seem to be very interested in those things.

As you point out, you are not perfect too, but you sound like a much nicer person than your husband is. There's a lot of good advice given in this thread, by Nandhu and others, but I cannot accept that this is the kind of behaviour that married women should have to put up with in this day and age. I don't even have any advice to give you as to how you can change things. All I can say is, I feel your feelings of hurt and betrayal are valid, and you DESERVE a better life than this. Don't let anyone make you believe, like your husband is doing, that this is your lot in life and you should not hope for better things.

I am an Indian woman married to an Indian man. We fell in love, got married, and he is loving and respectful. He helps me with whatever I ask him to, even though he works and I am a homemaker. So I CANNOT accept that the kind of shameful behaviour you are describing is a part of Indian culture and we should accept it as such. To suggest that is to do a great injustice to all the great Indian men out there, and great Indian marriages, that do not fit this profile. I hope that one day, Sindhu, you are able to experience happiness as well. Your fate is in your own hands.

Ansuya