1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Help- no love-intimacy- physical or emotional

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by HopefulNisha, Nov 24, 2014.

  1. HopefulNisha

    HopefulNisha Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    56
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    I am writing with a heavy heart. I am an elder sister who pushed my sister to a marriage without her consent. She was very clear that the guy is not her match as she is very modern thinking and guy is very conservative. But I confused her and convinced her about geting married to this guy.
    The rest of the storyis .
    No intimacy from his side (emotional or physical)

    Emotional abuse
    No love
    Inferiority complex and very outdated views of the guy ( he doesnt even allow her to talk to other guys)
    we realised he had impotency issues - it was clear that he is not normal..but we thought its all due to his impotency issues.
    His parents took him to a doctor and gave some medicines and that day after 3 years, they were able to do ic. Then they started trying for a kid straight away. As he had low sperm count, doctor suggested IVF and she at last delivered 2 kids..during all this time he was extremely non - co operative ..Still she with his parents help somehow managed till there

    He wanted to stay in a foreign country to pursue his career further..He never allowed her to work. She used to work before marriage- resigned for him.Now after all these, she hoping to get a new life, went with him to a foreign country.

    He is the same - cold hearted person who doesnt even help her to cary a child when both are crying together,
    No physical relation - he says we have kids so dont want it anymore

    I am writing this with heavy heart. I know its all my fault. I should have asked her to divorce him before having kids, but we thought with his medical condition solved , everyting will work well.

    Now please advise, is it ok to continue in the marraige for the sake of kids.. SHould she come back to India and try to make a life for herself. She doesnt have a job.. Our parents are old. We dont have brothers.

    Please help us.. We are all at the verge of collapse.
     
    Loading...

  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,484
    Likes Received:
    4,119
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Nisha, Very sad situation that you have created for your sis.
    Now she has two kids also. See the only thing I can say is that - so far you have "guided" (rather "misguided") her into so many decisions. This final decision - whether to stay or do something else - LET HER make the decision entirely on her own. It is a very tough decision with two kids, she may just decide to continue this for-the-sake-of-kids. She may decide to break it. Its a very big decision and your sis will have her own thinking and personality and strength/weakness in life. Do not influence or guide/misguide her. She has to do this final decision on her own, unfortunately!
     
    9 people like this.
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    It is extremely sad. The welfare of the children is what I would ask you to look at. Does he contribute at all to their wellbeing? How involved is he with the kids? If he is abusive in any way, shape or form with the kids, she needs to seperate immediately.

    What does your sister say she wants to do? How supportive are her inlaws? Can she go back with the kids to her ILs while the husband pursues his career? Could she find a job for herself once back? Would her IL's support her if she didn't divorce him but just moved away citing management of kids?

    Should she decide to seperate, how much can you support her? She will need all the support you and your parents can give her until she finds her footing, especially over childcare.

    The best thing you can do for her now is let her think for herself and use you as a sounding board. Let her think everything through. Be clear about how much support she can expect - physical, moral, financial - from you and your parents. If you are not able to support her or are only able to support her in a limited fashion for your own reasons, do be straight with her.

    She And her kids will need some constants if things were to change drastically. Let her know what you have control over and support her while she takes her own decision.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. HopefulNisha

    HopefulNisha Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    56
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    HI both

    thanks for replying. I am past the stage of regretting and repenting. No words r punishment will be enough for me I know

    Guess hoo - to your question.- He does provide them the basic necessities of children though he is a miser - He is not abusive of children- just that he doesnt care anything about them..If she goes back to India, my mother can stay with her for sometime..though its not a long term solution...we have another sister who is not maried...finance is not an issue for the time being...
    I am also in a different country- So other than moral support I cant do anything
    As Ragini said, its best not to interfere in her case anymore..let her continue if she wants..else let her come back..I dont want to be the one sugesting either and pushing again.


    I just pray no other sisters have to go through this- the way I did and the way she suffers.

    Thanks once again for your time to reply.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I like Ragini's advise...but you owe your sister moral support.Let her know that you support her in whatever her decisions in life....and if ever a time comes that she needs more than moral support,then you better pull up your socks and be there for her.You can't get off so easily.Only Indian parents get to screw up their daughters life and then look the other way if she is not happy.

    Your sister also has to take part of the blame....What kind of an irresponsible person has two kids in a bad marriage just because the husband can have an erection.People just take children and parent hood for granted.Really sad.
     
    12 people like this.
  6. HopefulNisha

    HopefulNisha Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    56
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    My intetnions were good though I didnt know how to give good directions. I will never ever give opinion to anyone..I regret it for the rest of my life
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. sacredbell

    sacredbell Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    137
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Nisha,

    You don't need to regret or worry too much about your role in their relationship.
    You did it with a good intention and for the good of your DS. Unfortunately, things are not going well.

    Now the ball is out of your court. Of course, there are are lot of negative things in
    their life. At the end, it is their life. LET HER make a decision without any external
    influence. He children need both mother and father. Physical intimacy is just one factor in married life. There are many other factors like Health, Money, Social security .. etc. You may not be able to fulfill all those elements if you break up this relationship. So think well, before you take some action.. Your role is just to console her and to give support to your DS. Don't add fuel in the fire..
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,380
    Likes Received:
    1,483
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    nisha you dont need to be guilty all your life for this.... your sister too was an adult when she married, if she could scream yeell and tell i dont need this guy.... moreover i understand in India parents relatives siblings all drag a person to the ditch even if the person yells its not where they want to go.....However whats done is done. Forget and forgive -- Like someone said LEt your sis decide, but be there for her in any decision she make.

    Some tips frm my side though...
    Firstly Your sis needs to find happiness beyond her husband. She need to find friends,hobbies,activites outside her home.

    If her husband doesnt carry the kids when outside... Get a stroller where two kids can sit...

    At home when kids cry, your sis need not always run to help ... give the kids to your hus and back off -- go in the toilet for a good 30 mins.

    Abt physical relation -- see if any counselling or any religious leader can speak to him(i knw hus may not budge but hoping he may)

    Kepp your sister thoughts positive... dont call her up and tell her you are sorry tht she ended up like this... tell her the world is a hopeful place and she can decide whatever brings peace to her mind and good for her kids
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    315
    Likes Received:
    306
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    ask her to divorce the guy.. and remarry.. u need to help her with her kids...

    either ur family or ur parents or some one can help her out in raising her kids and remarry her to a better person..

    wat is the point in crying now... and amazed at y she will have kids with him in the first place, when he is such a incompatible person...
     
  10. HopefulNisha

    HopefulNisha Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    56
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi all,

    Thanks to those who took time to reply to my thread. I am here again with more questions.

    There is no improvement in the above situation of my sister. But she is not complaining anything nor is she happy or trying to find happines in what she have. I feel that, she has kind of become numb and feels that if at all she tells us her problems , it will go to deaf ears. ( as we didnt listen to what she said before marraige or after marriage before having kids). This thought is pinching me evry minute. When I am living happily with all the blessings of a marraige, she is suffering just because of me and my parents. I feel that I should rescue her.

    I check in IL everyday for an answer -looking into diff threads - if I should ask her to leave the marriage or should give her strength to see the positives ( if at all any).

    If I ask her to leave, will I be again misguiding her? Will I be able to support her/ save her from the after effects? Will it spoil her kids future ? Will it put her into a tougher situation?

    On the other hand, if I do not ask her to leave, Will 20 years down the line I will repent about not saving her when I could? Is she staying in this marriage just because she thinks there is no other way and none to help her?

    I am totally lost. Only thing I know is that the regret is eating me away. The very thought of her life now is killing me..Please advise.

    Admin, could you please move this thread to 'married life'
     

Share This Page