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  1. #1
    ankita_chitnis is offline New ILite
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    Default Happily Married but Sexually Unsatisfied?

    My husband has a fellow desi friend who says that he is happily married with 2 kids, but sexually unsatisfied. He fools around with other women, but claims that such a behaviour has nothing to do with how much he loves his wife and kids. To him, the physical urges that he tries to satisfy with other women is a completely different matter from the strong relationship he has with his wife.

    What bugs me is that my husband is defending his friend's thought process and says that straying for physical satisfaction shouldn't automatically mean weak emotional relationship with spouse and kids. Has things changed and I haven't?

    Ankita


  2. #2
    varalotti's Avatar
    varalotti is offline IL Hall Of Fame
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    Default Things Haven't Changed, Ankita!

    Dear Ankita,
    Surprised to know about the thought process of your husband's desi friend. His arguments sound a little too intellectual but they are nothing but sheer bull-****. I would like to pose a question to that desi fellow.
    Suppose his wife gives out the same argument: I love my husband and kids, but you know, I have my physical urges. And for that I am fooling around with other men. This doesn't mean that I love my family any less. I keep the family bond and physical urges in two separate air-tight compartments.
    What will be his reaction? Will that desi friend accept his wife's contention?
    Honestly speaking you can't compartmentalise these things. One of the most crucial aspects of staying married is being faithful to your partner. I don't give a damn to any argument that threatens this very basic principle.
    Rest assured, things have not changed at all. And in things like morality and principles, things can't change.
    Varalotti

    vaanadhi likes this.

  3. #3
    Vidya24 is offline Platinum ILite
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    Default no things have not changed

    Dear Ankita,

    Your values are strictly right and on course. I do not think it is proper for a married man or woman to seek physical satisafcation outside wedlock claiming that it is not available in marriage. Marriage is a sacred institution and a commitment to stay physically and mentally faithful to the partner is most important. If physical intimacy is absent or lacking, then partners can probably seek counselling or therapy or clinical treatment, but straying is not an option. And to say that this extra marital affair does not affect fidelity towards the wife is just self deception.

    Would this guy have the same values if his wife followed his behaviour?

    ciao
    Vidya

    Last edited by Vidya24; 29th May 2006 at 05:57 PM.

  4. #4
    sunkan's Avatar
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    Default i beg to differ here....

    dear ankita,

    i have come across men who love to see their wife having a affair to sleep with them..i know it is mind blowing and seen all what u say...some men and some woman like how the men say after all we go to the woman....so there r some species who live life like that...they love variety like in lifestyle,food,and sex this is something weird but still we do accept because u cant help it...better to seek someone who is like u rather than put up with this....pl be careful with ur husband..it all starts like this and ends somewhere else...like how varalotti says always say i could do the same if u go that way...anything to save the marriage ,,u need a lot guts and stand by what u think....,....regards sunkan


  5. #5
    safa's Avatar
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    Default things haven't changed!

    dear Ankita,
    do you believe your husband's friend really love his wife and children? how could he say he is happily married?
    a happily married person must be satisfied in all the relationships with his family. he is unhappy since his sexual desires are not fulfilled. you know how he could be continued a strong relation ship with his wife and kids because they are unaware of the fact. he is betraying his family and if they know everything about him , the bond of marriage would be broken.
    his arguments are unjust. he doesn't know the chastity of the husband - wife relationship. we teach our children from childhood to be decent and cultured , when this person's children grow, could he accept if his children choose the same way as he was?


  6. #6
    cheer's Avatar
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    Default Need to Change Ourselves

    Did his wife know abt it? If not that shows that even he also knows this is not a right thing. What I find this is our Indian Menís mentality. They think whatever they think is right & give non-sense logics. & If we ladies also start giving them same excuses then that is wrong, against Indian beliefs etc etc.



    First thing she doesnít know abt this. Tell her & suggest her to do the same thing. If she starts telling him that Iím not physically satisfied with U But luv U!!!!!!!!! & I also want relationship with others just to satisfy my physical needs. Then he gonna realize & then find out what he thinks abt this. I know menís mentality ďhow could U think abt this?, etc etc.Ē



    Thing is we Indian ladies need to change ourselves. Start giving them same logic/excuses what they give us. Do the same things what they do & then Uíll find the difference.



    Cheer

    vaanadhi and dhruva19 like this.

  7. #7
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    Default

    Hi ,
    Seems to be another interesting discussion. I guess what Varalotti and Vidhya about the sanctity of marriage is fine. But in this case i am sure the wife is an innocent lady and she wil not be able to boldly point to her husband even if Ankita points to her, as CHEERS has suggested....it is difficult for women to say and do all the things men are capable of !
    Anyway Ankita, your moral values are on the right track,... but maybe you can forgive your husband, if this friend is very close and he feels for his unhappiness...you know....maybe there is more to it! We don't know all the intricasies of husband -wife relationship, it is a very intimate one...and if the intimacy is not there or lost somewhere, then maybe your hubby is just emphatising with this situation of his friend... maybe you can talk to him and ask him to advise his friend also....or seek counselling etc like Vidhya has pointed out! But you don't get too carried away, with these that you lose your peace of mind!
    Take care....

    Have a great day!
    Sudha

    "Peace and Happiness are rooted neither in the marketplace nor in the woods, but within" Sadhguru!

  8. #8
    Varloo's Avatar
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    Default

    Hai,
    If a partner has problem in any matter, it should be discussed with the other person. If the friend is not satisfied with his sex life at home, he should have a talk with his wife and sort it out. Having other realtions and saying that he loves the family is just bull****. He is trying to enjoy the best of both worlds. In any relationship, faithfulness is an integral part. Even people of the West will not tolerate such behaviour, even while dating or in a live-in relationship. We Indians take it for granted that men have the licence to do whatever they want.
    And advising the wife to retaliate in the same way is also not the solution. Request your husband to have a talk with his friend about this bad behaviour and save his marriage. If the wife comes to know about it and takes some drastic decision, the husband will be in a fix.
    With warm wishes,
    varloo


  9. #9
    shwetam is offline New ILite
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    Default Dear friends

    I really would suggest you to ask your husband whats his personal feeling about commitment................is it only sex that really matters..........

    mdqmnr and ashokrana like this.

  10. #10
    ihusband51 is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: Happily Married but Sexually Unsatisfied?

    Hi,

    I have a similar problem but slightly different. We don't have kids, I am not sexually satisfied, or I can say, not physically much attracted to my wife. I have a strong likes over certain type of girls. I am sure my wife is not attractive to my eyes. Maybe its my problem, but I have a problem here. Because of this, I feel I don't love her much. I m just living with her just because of my marriage. I m sure if I tell to my wife that I want to separate from her because she is not attractive, she would become mad and also make me mad. I am scared and I am trapped in this issue. I can't convince myself and I am afraid to tell my wife that I don't love her. Mine was an arranged marriage.

    Ladies, pls help me with your wisdom.



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