Balancing baby+personal space without support - tips please!

Re: baby

Hello Sree,

I know how hard it is to take care of a baby without any help!! It does get tiring and is very exhaustive..My parents left when DS was 3 months old. Ever since they left DH & me are the whole & soul care takers.

I quit my job to stay at home with my son and initially it was very hard for me to just stay at home and take care of my son. But as DH & me charted out our duties things got easier. This is what we do

1: Wake up along with DS. DH changes the diaper. Sometimes the morning bottle DH feeds before he goes to work. Otherwise I take over. I put DS in the jumperoo and finish my morning chores(bathroom etc) and breakfast within 15-20 mins. Sometimes he screams but that's o.k..I let him know that I am still here and nothing to worry. Breakfast is quick. No cooking at all. Eat cereal or oatmeal or toast. whichever is easier. Same rule applies for DH. No more idly's or dosas etc .(He was never a fan anyways!!)

2: Take shower while DS takes the morning nap. Showers are very quick these days. Max 5-10 min. The shortest time I took a shower was in 2 mins. Finish few chores before DS wakes up.

3: I try to cook only once in the day. (same thing for lunch and dinner). While DS takes his nap, I finish half of the cooking. And finish the rest while he plays in the kitchen. Food is not elaborate. Something really quick and easy recipes. DH or I cut vegetables over the weekend and put them in the fridge. So it becomes very easy to cook during the week. Max. of 30-40 mins for cooking. If for some reason there is no time for cooking then I always have frozen parathas or frozen curries on hand. Heat it and eat it. But those are only for emergency or when I am lazy. During the week, DH & me also meet for lunch outside (of course I take Ds along with me) so that I don't have to cook at home.

4: I have my lunch while DS plays and check my emails while DS takes his afternoon nap. Of course clean his feeding bottles, load and unload dishwasher etc all this while DS naps. Sometimes I don't get anything done until DH is back home. But that's o.k. We have accepted the fact that any one person cannot do everything. So the chores wait until DH comes home.

5: Evening bottle and bed time routine - DH takes over so that I can relax a little. That's when I just go out for few mins for fresh air. Either for a walk or to the nearby store or just sit outside and talk to friends on the phone.

6: Wakings at night - DS wakes once for a feeding now around 2-3 AM. During the week, I wake up to feed him and weekends its DH's turn. Saturday is all Daddy day. Infact on saturday DS does not even come to me . During the week if I am sick or really tired then I let DH know and he wakes up.

7: I don't get time to keep the home clean and tidy as I used to. Initially I freaked out but eventually I gave up. I know I cannot do everything. So when weekend comes, I catch up on chores like cleaning, laundry etc. My DH helps me a lot. Without his help things would have been much much harder. Of course we go out to the mall, shopping etc during weekends. Even during the week I take DS to the nearby shopping mall so that even I get some fresh air.

Sree - It is not impossible just that things get difficult specially with a baby and no help. With little streamlining I am sure you and your wife can chart out a plan.

I hope I did not ramble too much!!

 

Re: baby

Hi Sree,

How old is your kid?

We (my DH and I) were in the same boat years ago. I had no help other than my DH from the day 1 of my pregnancy till my baby was 3 months old. The mental preparation that it is going to be just the 2 of us to handle things helped me a lot in the process.

Since your post was not asking for anything specific, I do not know what to say.. But I can for sure say that I felt it was not too hard to manage.. We did an excellent job.:cheers

My typical day would be like this:
I get up late (new mom license :coffee. Did your wife apply for one yet?!)
DH will make coffee, breakfast (just milk and cereal, yaar.. come on it is not that hard.):crazy
DH goes to work (may or may not take lunch (usually leftovers from last night. Poor DH):hide:
I nurse the baby, put him in bouncer,keep him in the restroom and take bath.
Then, Play with him or browse or watch TV or sleep with him.
By noon, I bathe the baby (in baby tub.. forgot what it is called. :bonk)
And put him in bouncer, keep him on kitchen counter top.
Talk to him or lull (that's what I thought I was doing :hide him to sleep as I cook and clean up the kitchen.
Basically, I will juggle between nursing, house keeping and my sleeping.

Whenever he is awake and most evenings, I will put him in the infant play gymn like this one and keep him in my eye sight while I go about my housekeeping. The mat will keep him very engaged.. I will also interact with him in between.



Thus I will finish my cooking, cleaning and 'self-grooming' (See, I can rhyme too. :crazy) . My house was spic and span like it used to be pre-baby. I was well groomed too. Helped keep the attitude positive for both of us.

DH was of tremendous help too. As soon as he comes home he will give me a break. While he plays with the baby or feed him the milk I expressed (I had to get my baby used to bottles as after the maternity leave I had to go for work. So we planned to give him the mother's milk in bottle for atleast one feeding. That way he will not have a tough time adjusting to bottles. That was good planning because, my wish to feed him mother's milk atleast for 1 yr was made possible by this method) , I will go for my workout.

After dinner, we will go out for a walk with the stroller if weather, time and stamina permit. Else enjoy baby time at home. Most of the time DH would camcord mommy and baby.

Night we will retire. My DH would sleep in a separate room as I would be nursing baby in the middle of the night. Me and my baby will be in the Master bedroom.

I was keen on having my food because I always related my eating to more milk production. So would feel guilty if I do not eat on time. No pushing needed there. And no arguments happened on any front. Life went like in heaven, honestly. The best period in my entire life was my pregnancy and the child's birth followed by 8 more months of total bliss.

Since we knew it would be just the 3 of us, that awareness helped us sail through it with utmost grace. I love those days.

Not sure if anything here was of any use to you. But thanks for making me reminisce on my golden period.
:thankyou2:

 

Sree I can give you hundreds if not thousands of tips to help reduce the load of housework for your DW. I think this is what you are asking for ?
I am a work from home mom and have a nanny to take care of my 21 month old but work 55-60 hours a week so I know how hard it is to manage home and child.

1. Reduce time spent on cooking. Cook once every 2-3 days. On sundays, I make daal or sambar to last me for 2-3 days. 3 veg curries as well. See it does not matter if you cook 2 dishes or 3. Takes same amount of time to stir curries in 2 pots together vs. stir 1 curry in 1 pot. On wednesday and friday I repeat the process. Reduces time spent on washing vessels and kitchen cleanup too!

2. Peel and keep a week's worth of onions in a ziploc in the fridge. Buy peeled garlic or ginger-garlic paste. Chop and keep 3-4 days worth of green chillies and tomatoes (small food processort works best for this) as well.

3. If you don't like to eat food for 2-3 days, then streamline your prepwork atleast. Plan in advance what you will make that week and do the veggie chopping all on 1 day. You can also buy some vegetables frozen eg peas and carrots, spinach, methi, mix vegetables etc. My mom had a set menu for each day of the week so that she did not have to think twice about what to make each day. Just zip the chopped veggies out of the fridge and make it fresh whenever you want.

4. If you like north indian food, then boil and freeze legumes like chola, rajma etc. Take out as needed. If you like sambar, make a huge pot, cool it and then freeze it in individual portions. Defrost as needed. I do this once a month and it keeps well for upto 3 months.

5. Same goes for chappatis/parathas. I make only once every 3 days or I purchase from the local indian store.

6. Rice can be cooked in the microwave, which reduces the need to wash a vessel. 1 cup of rice, soaked an hour in 2 cups of water and cooked in microwave for 15-16 minutes.

7. Use paper plates, bowls, glasses and spoons to cut down on dish-washing. I know it's not very eco-friendly but for the short term it works in cutting down the work-load.

8. Your wife needs some me-time as well as you do too. Atleast once a week encourage her to go out on her own or with her friends and get a break from housekeeping and child-rearing. You do the same for yourself on the weekend atleast one day. Try to schedule it around the time the baby naps so that your wife does not get too stressed out. This me-time is very important to recharge batteries for the coming week.

9. Minimize shopping. Make a list and where to get it from and do it just once a week.

 

Sree, I haven't gone through the tips given by others - so it might be a repetetion. Please bear with me.

First of all, this phase too shall pass and you won't remember anything.

With both my pregnencies what has consistently worked is this -

1.wake up an hour early than the baby and hubby and if the baby wakes up then, DH has to take care. When up, plan and atleast release cooker, have a peaceful cup of coffee and take bath and get dressed for the day So when DS and kid are up, do things with them like eat breakfast. Ofocurse you picking after yourself will help her a lot.

2. Once a month atleast, go out together leaving the baby with a sitter - this always works wonders. If this is something you cannot or donot want to do, then make friday or saturday night a movie night at home - to spend time together.

3. once or twice a month, it helped me go out with my girlfriends.

4. Take one nap atleast with the baby and make sure to get the baby to bed by 8pm and hit the bed latest by 10pm - you will get a couple of hours together.

5, reading books has stood by me like no one else has.

Good luck!!

 

Sree, you have received many wonderful tips here. I just wanted to assure you it is very normal for the first few months with baby alone to be very intense and tiring, because feeding/nursing, changing etc are pretty much round the clock. It helps to acknowledge that and not to feel you need to do everything and be perfect. With both my kids the first two months felt like a blur to me. Days and nights felt alike...Soon things will settle, you and baby will fall into a routine.

So like everyone say this will pass. Soon your baby will be 1 and all these will be distant memories!

Good Luck and enjoy the journey. There is plenty of help and support here.

 

Hi sree, good to see you here and great to see you posting with such concern about your wife's/marriage's well being.
I never did live in the US, but due to certain misunderstanding between the in-laws and my parents, they my parents had to leave when DS was around 2.5 months old. In laws have some funny ideas about how a mother should manage the house, the child and in my case, a huge garden thrown in for fun! Let's say it was not the easiest period in our lives.
DH made/still makes breakfast (usually just dosai or idli with podi) and morning coffee. Most of the days I ate my breakfast while I was bfing my child. Baths/grooming happens after DS's bath and nursing and when he is happy (or sometimes sleeping). My lunch was always a simple pongal/kichdi (carb plus protein), some pulses (channa/rajma/peas sundal), one veggie with curd. Not prescribing it, but ideally I would just try to eat a balanced meal and not care much for variety. When the child naps in the afternoon is when my dinner was made. Again I would just aim for just carbs/protein/vegetables (roti/dal/sabji with gravy or not.) I snacked on fruits/fruit bars/granola bars through the day given how hungry I was with breastfeeding (and yes, that is a hunger that very few men in my circle of friends understood. My husband did not for a long time.) When he realised how ill-tempered I was because of my hunger ;-) he took to preparing my snacks and refridgerating them in snack boxes ready to be eaten, every night.
What helped me really was that my husband and I will clean up the kitchen late in the night after the child had gone to sleep. That way we got our "couple time" together talking about stuff and at the same time tackling the dish at the sink. Dh cleaned up the kitchen.
Realistically, women cannot be without housekeeping. It is something in built in us to keep it in some order. I dont know what your work hours are like - but I would aim for housekeeping in the weekends. All podis and thokkus prepared over the weekend when DH was there to mind/play/browse the internet on his phone :bonk while pretending to mind the child. i got my me time shopping for groceries and talking walks with the child (I had to as I continued being pre-diabetic post partum).
Sree, what would really help is a baby carrier that your wife can use to carry the child in as she does a lot of the housework - my child promptly went to sleep in the carrier when I went around mopping.
Housekeeping Tips - Top Housekeeping Tips
That site has some good advice for SAHMs. I dip into its wisdom once in a while still when my child is 3 and can participate in some housekeeping too. But what really does and saved my sanity when DS was very young was the little things that DH did around the house and more importantly for me.

 

Sree,
First of all, I am very impressed at your efforts to ensure the well being of your wife in every detail. idea I should start a thread to acknowldege/congratulate you!!! )

Your schedule looks great! Keep us posted on what is working and what is not.

Coming to your wife's diet:
The horlicks - does she take it with milk or hot water?
I notice no calcium intake there in the diet otherwise..

A nursing mom needs about 1200 mg. of calcium per day. That is equivalent to the amount found in four glasses of low fat milk. If your calcium intake falls below the recommended level, than your body will draw on bone stores of calcium, thus depleting your bones. Also, it seems that even with adequate calcium intake, some bone loss will occur. The fact that a nursing mom is low in the hormone estrogen means that some calcium will be mobilized from the bone. This is similar to what occurs during menopause when estrogen levels fall.

Good thing is: The bone loss is reversible in about 6 months once she weans your son. But good diet will help her with the much needed stamina.

Another concern: The carrot juice - is that Odwalla brand by any means? It has a warning on calcium depletion and advises to increase calcium intake. I am great fan of odwalla.. but it is a point to remember. I cannot find any web resource on this regard. Yet have a look.

About milk production: Are you guys Vegetarian? If not, Fish helps. And the supply sadly goes down unless nursing often and adequately.

As for things she could do while the DH (you) @ work:
Ask her! Hobbies & interests are unique. Even sleeping can be a hobby. If she loves that, she should do it - it will help her to reenergize. A hobby of one may be a chore for another.. Ask her to list things she loves to do. Then see how to incorporate that into your daily routine.

If I were you, I would introduce her to IL so she can find buddies online and slowly network with ILs near your area.