Mothers of girls: Attn!

Dear Rukmini
I was Very very sad to read about your experience in childhood.
Can understand the very cautiousness & protectiveness towards your baby daughter.

This is must that we protect & nurture our daughters.

But in the long run plz be careful that your too much protectiveness doesnot turn off her natural dovelopment.

 

Hi Rukmini,

I understand your concerns towards child abuse. I appreciate you bring this topic. This may initiate some thought in every mother irrespective of gender. I know people who went through child abuse where the mother was not aware of and the kids did not know how to explain. My mother was very protective, pampered me a lot and I was very courageous which made me a leader for the kids gang at 7 years. One time the kids (4-10 yrs age) reported me - when they go to school, there was this guy in front of one house and he open his pant or dhoti and show the private parts. One girl literally cried to go in front of that house. Even I did not know at that age what to do but as I tell everything to my mother I told this too. She gathered information and told the whole colony people and they talked to him and his wife. In other family, boy got abused by his father where he could not tell his mother as that house was ruled by the father.

In USA and other countries too there are child abusers. They are of different ages, different professions including pastors in churches. You cannot beleive anybody but at the same time cannot suspect everybody. There are websites where they teach the kids how to behave when see any suspicious behaviour. There are books, websites with this information and they even have addresses, locations of the jail released child abusers are.

For an infant we cannot tell these things and they dont understand till they come to a talking and thinking age. We have to protect them till then and guard them.

If we tell too much of such information at very young age they might be afraid of interacting with people (including their mothers) and may become introverts. Their young minds think too much.

I am a mother of an infant girl. I also collected (ing) information how to convey this to children without affecting their psycology - like we tell them be careful with dogs/monkeys as they bark and may bite - the same way we should convey that there are good people and bad people in males and females and give the definition of good and bad for that age group. I have nieces & nephewsand we discuss these matters.

Anyway, I really appreciate :thumbsup you bringing this topic to the forum.

Sri

 

Hello Rukmini,
I AM A Mother of 15 year old teen ager.Agreed with your views 100%.Adding few more points.
First abuser is always from the family.Need not be Rape but molestation yes.Be careful to be around when baby is held by others.
Strictly no kissing the baby.You too.Never encourage the kissing habit.Child can never say no because if mommy can do why not others?
Never take a photo of the child semi naked or full.I have a bitter experience.As my daughter was clicked ,my MIL pulled the sheets down and it became all bare below.The child was 5 months old then,chubby and cute.Cant tear the photo too....My child.Its hidden in the cupboard.
Never allow the child to be taken out with out you.Yes diaper change ,bathing and dressing the child is all your routine.never share.As early as possible talk to your child the dos and donts.
Make the baby sleep in its own bed with you.Never in between parents and no cuddling the baby and sleeping.
After a certain change it will be a difficult habit to cut.
If theres anything crossing my mind will post it here.
A good subject,continue the awareness.

 

Hi rukmani,
this issue is being discussed insomeother thread. very sorry to know that you are the victim of childabuse. it is necessary to take precautions. steps you are taking is correct. but do not become obsessed by it. do not overdo the things. think and take necessary steps.praying foryour chid welfare.
with love
pad.

 

Dear Rukmani,

I am very sorry to hear your experience. I too have been abused as a child but not as early as you mention; my mom had always encouraged me and my brother to share everything without being judgemental and this has helped me a lot to put the past behind me.

If you don't take me wrong I would like to add that abuse is damaging not only for girls but also for boys. Also as others mention help your child only with sufficient information. First and foremost is to encourage them to be open with you despite any threats which seem to be the usual tact of the abusers. Giving too much 'don'ts' can also be confusing for the child.

I would like to give an example. My son will be 4 in a month. And when I nurse my 2nd baby he's around...can't help it! so one day he asked me if he can touch my nipple. I told him no... that was my private part and it would be a bad touch. So he went on to ask if he can touch if i said yes. i said he still shouldn't touch anyone's breast or nipple even if they permitted him to do so... i then realised that this is how i can teach my child good touch and bad touch, when he himself is curious and receptive to the concept.

Latha

 

Hey Rukmini, hugs. I appreciate your courage and your positive attitude in gaining control of your life and empowering your child. Frankly, it is never too early to tell a child when to say No, Run, and Tell. This is the rule we follow at home with our two year old boy.
Yes, boys are at equal if not greater risk (mainly because most parents are more careful with girl child) of being abused. You will find this resource very helpful in talking about good touch and bad touch to your child.
Yes, I was abused as a tweener and I know very good friends who faced it as young children.
And No, you are not paranoid. Just a concerned mother whose message may need a bit of tweaking. Equip yourself with the knowledge how to help yourself and your child. Find out local NGOs to see if there are child-friendly books on safe touch. Hugs again

 

Re: Mothers of girls: Attn! (some readers may find this disturbing!)

Rukmini, I am sending you a PM! oops, looks like I cant send you one yet. But I wanted to assure you it has taken you a lot of courage and time to get where you've. You and your husband have done really well; I know first hand how even an one-off incident of abuse can affect marital relationships. Let me know if you need additional information, I will gladly dig them up for you (I wrote a lot about child sexual abuse as a journalist and do have some contacts with NGOs working in India). Also there is a book called Tickles and Hugs published by Tulika, which is aimed at young children. That would be worth the while looking up when you come to safe touch with your child.

 

Rukmini,

First a hug to you for coming out and being open about your experience. no you are not paranoid. I am happy that you have been getting all good advice, good suggestions and people are open to more discussion.

though there is another angle to the same issue, that of a child who is being put through your safeguards and measures..

Just because somebody was a victim, it does not mean that you have to go overboard in terms of keeping guard.

I know how much it hurts when the mother's smothers everything that could work out natural because of her fear of safety of her kids...not to be touched by the brother ( hug was not even allowed), to the extent, life was made hell by the mother when the periods used to be delayed even by 1 day.....

So my only suggestion, is let our child grow and learn along,be there when she/he needs the guidance, and don't let our over protectiveness strangle their natural growth.

I am a mother of a 13+ girl.

Maybe my point of view may not be accepted by all, but still wanted to come with this angle from a child's point.