Let's Share Our Feelings - Part 2

Originally Posted by Traveller

Mangai, nothing about mistaking you... we're here to share our feelings! well this was an official dinner where the CEO also sits with them so DH cannot avoid unless there is an extreme situation. And a proper course-dinner thing (i wonder what he got to eat though... haven't asked him yet!) Poor thing he did call me twice from the loo to check if i was doing good. They also go for a drink at the christmas market but that DH declined... that's an informal thing only his team.

Latha

Hi Latha ,
That makes sense.If periya thalai's are involved then its better to be there at party otherwise it may not look good. But its difficult to make our kids understand that.We are going through a phase of "I want".Hope it passes soon.
I got man vilakku from local grocery store.
Mangai

Thx V,Pavarun and Raj

I am getting into my normal routine..Kimi has stuffy nose it all started 3 days before we left India, but still she suffers...winter has set in here..it's cold during night.....pure LO couldn't breathe through her nose..and often wakes up in the night. everyday she want to go "Tata bye". Nowadays, she is not even saying Good morning....as soon as she wakes up the first word she utters is "Tata bye.." she refuses to cover her head while going out...i tried to put cotton balls on her ears she threw that too....just wondering what else i could do to cover her up?(she pulls out the hood also while she wears her jerkins...). Any idea friends?

V i miss all these festive seasons here. Though i want to celebrate all yhe festivals i hardly had time earlier as i was working..now though Kimi is keeping me busy all the time and i don't have a helping hand also. I really admire Raj,Latha,Amritha,Mangai, Priya and u also how u people are managing so many things at a timee and i envy you when u people talk about baking cake,making pizza's etc...i am not a very good cook when i was at my house i nevr entered the kitchen when i was with my in-laws i just help them in cutting vegetables and that too on sundays as they also never allow me to do anykind of household works as i was working....after coming here i started cooking (5 yrs ago)...so i am still under learning process.... i really do not know how i am going to manage once Kimi starts demanding me to prepare various food...hope i would learn by then.Hat's off to you all!!You are all Just SUPERB!!! And i need to learn lots and lots from you...............

Originally Posted by Aadhusmom

That sounds very interesting. I think you are just great, the way you have gone out in a new country and set up a social network/system for yourself and Riya - So many in your situation would be moaning and whining...I like that you are always looking for new things...

Vanathi, you made my day by these wonderful words. Thank you.

I am glad the blouses turned out good.

Originally Posted by Amitha

Raj, I am going completely insane here. My 2nd son Akki has come up with a viral fever since Monday and is completely down. On the other hand Appu (elder one) is going non-stop chitchatting as soon as he gets up. His talking is irritating Akki and ofcourse myself. Just when I am about to put the LO to sleep, this guy starts screaming.

Amitha, hugs to you. You are having quite a stressful time with the kids. Seems like Appu is fighting for attention. Since the younger one is sick, he must be feeling everybody pays more attention to the baby and not him. That may explain the screaming and tantrums. Is there any way you can spend some more one-on-one time with him after school? If Akki is okay to be with granny, why don't you and appu go out and do some fun things? Just going out shopping with him, or for a trip to the ice cream place may help tremendously. It may be difficult to do this when one kid is sick, but it's equally important that the other one doesn't feel left out or ignored. After all, they don't understand that a sick baby needs more attention, do they?

Originally Posted by meeta shah

Thanks Raj, thank you so much for your reply...When I went through the website, I really liked their activities but wasn't able to make up my mind as I have never been to church before. Where will you be moving? How is everyting else going? Me and Aarya are having fun. I have started searching for a job. May be parttime for now.

Meeta, even though MOPS is normally held at churches, they don't do relgious service like they do on Sundays. Now MOPS is a christian based organisation so there will be some short bible related devotionals, prayers and all that, so if you are okay with that, see if it works out for you.

As for us moving, it will be Virginia, but only for 3 months. Everything is going well. We are busy with Christmas clebrations and of course, Riya keeps us plenty busy too. Thanks for asking.

Originally Posted by priyaprem

she refuses to cover her head while going out...i tried to put cotton balls on her ears she threw that too....just wondering what else i could do to cover her up?(she pulls out the hood also while she wears her jerkins...). Any idea friends?

Priya, have you tried ear muffs. They come in all kinds of different colors and styles. She may like them.

About 'managing' the house - trust me we are all struggling at different levels. So, don't feel that you're somehow not equipped to handle things. We are all struggling physically, emotionally and schedule wise to manage things and we do our best. As for cooking, I am in the same level as you are. In fact, I didn't even start cooking until I was married (3 1/2 years ago). I found out soon after I started my adventure with cooking that I really enjoy it. I love the time I spend in my kitchen. If you really love what you do, it's not a chore or work. I love baking too, it's a stress buster for me. I do most of my baking after Riya goes to bed at night.


Raj

Originally Posted by SupriyaDinesh

Vanathi..Do post us the festival photos(of course with you people)..long time since we saw AAdhu..and you.

I'll have to rememeber to take pics. Somehow we havent been doing too many pics after A turned 1 - is everyone like that?

Originally Posted by mangaii

Hi ,
Well I will be wearing my reception saree today .Its so heavy but I really want to wear it.I hope my blouse fits.I have'nt stitched any new blouse for past 3 years.I use the same one.

Mangai

Are you for real? How can you fit into your pre-pregnancy blouses still? I am so..oo jealous...I've unpicked all my blouses as far as they will go and i STILL cant fit into so many I was actually planning to just give up and stitch new ones, I cant not wear those sarees forever... Anyway - hope your blouse fits, I'm sure wearing that saree will bring back lots of lovely memories.....When are you leaving for India?

Originally Posted by Traveller

This year i can safely light lamps inside home. Last year even A would try to catch flame with hands. Next year my kutty girl wouldn't let.

Latha

My concern exactly Latha. I'm having to plan to put the lamps up and off the floor just for this. I'm really scared of this boy burning himself!

Originally Posted by priyaprem

everyday she want to go "Tata bye". Nowadays, she is not even saying Good morning....as soon as she wakes up the first word she utters is "Tata bye.."

My A is a clone of Kimi - I swear that boy lives only to get out of the house. He is ready to go out with anyone - from the "keerai" lady to the ironing man to the "cable girl"! The bell rings and he is off and running to the door waiting to sneak out Dont worry about poor cooking skills - you have me for company. In fact I'm probably worse than you!

Meeta - So you are going back to work too? Will Aarya go to daycare then?

V.

Hi all,

I was busy deciding imp things. DH worked UK hrs to be with kriti. He observed that she needs me....When she was awake she found i'm not at home, she said amma venum and cried, he says it's time for me to quit and plan for the next one. Job market's so bad and my co is also not doing well.....My heart broke after hearing what kriti had said. I feel it's not worth running behind money when my daughter needs me. So i'm also planning to quit for atleast few months and put her in play group and then decide about career. If i plan for 2nd i'll have a long break..in IT that's another problem to get entry again .....Let's see how things are.

DH is also against doing things for occasions-he too says y take pains. I'm making him understand it's imp when kids are growing. Sindhu u r 100% right it's imp when kids are growing......

Latha,

Believe me, I am on the verge of breaking down here. His constant queries like, Amma where are you going, I will come with you, Amma he has taken my puzzle pieces, Amma I want to do kakka (3 to 4 times a day Big Laugh), Amma don't put TV for Ajji - put for "ME", etc., etc., etc., The list is never ending. Invariably he is snatching the toys from Akki. Recently Akki has learnt to cry if we take anything away from him - so you can imagine the rest of the story when Appu takes the toys away from him bonk

Like Raj said, we do take him out for shopping, getting him something to eat / drink, to the park. But honestly I haven't spent time ALONE with him after Akki has come. If we are going out somewhere then all the three of us go. I do not want to leave Akki alone with my mother, because most of my relatives have told me on the face that I am keeping here like a servant maid at home. This has hurt my feelings very badly and I am thinking of getting back to USA ASAP. On one hand I am dealing with these kids and on the other hand I have to hear people talking like this. Things are getting worser and worser.

During November, almost daily I have gone to one or the other doctor's clinic. I put my treatments under halt during December because I was tired of going to doctors (for 2 kids, my mother and myself). Again LOs are sick and I will invariably have to visit doctors almost daily. It takes atleast a couple of hours evertime we go to a clinic.

I need one hour alone for myself sometime - I don't get it.

Originally Posted by Traveller

Hey Amitha,

I'm with you on this... A just doesn't stop talking... non-stop whys and i'm unable to do anything. If he does not get an answer then he shouts and wakes up the baby. I'm really zombied againI do answer him how much ever possible but how can you answer things like 'why you don't do kakka now?, when you'll do kakka?'bonk.. you know such questions. When I'm cooking, doing potty non-stop troubling. the moment i sit down he asks for something or the other i'm really fed up. I hate to but sometimes i have to cut him off... this talking is driving me nuts. I know exactly your situation. As they grow it gets only tougher.

take care!
Latha

Atleast in my case it has been like that. I have so many pictures of Appu before he turned one and now very few pictures.

That way Appu was lucky. We hardly take Akki's pictures - I feel bad for that.

Anybody asking me when was the last time I was photographed . I don't know - I don't have any recent picture of mine. I seriously have to plan on this one.

Originally Posted by Aadhusmom

I'll have to rememeber to take pics. Somehow we havent been doing too many pics after A turned 1 - is everyone like that?

V.

Oh dear Amitha.. my heart goes out to you. It is easy for me to sit here and type 'ignore the relatives' but i know how it can hurt. Why can't they understand that your mom might actually enjoy the time with her grandson. When my mom was here she'll never leave little ananya down. DH used to tell her maami don't strain yourself (her back hurts if she sits in one position for long) and she told him exactly this 'if i'll not do for my grandchildren for whom else i'll do'. I don't know why relatives think it's their birth right to interfere in other's business.. and in such cases i don't agree that they mean good at all. Take care and do what you think is best.

Actually y'day DH and me were talking about having help if we lived in chennai. I told him it'd actually be lot more stressful. Because you have to please so many people. He says we can live life the way we want.. i personally think that's very easy and do-able for a man. But women (that too married) cannot just tell someone to mind their business that easily, in our culture. Like one simple incident happened. We had confirmed that we will visit DH's friend's parents when we went home last year. Just at the time we were leaving, his athai and cousin came home. They excused him when he said we have to meet someone for dinner. But for a long time they reminded me how disrespectful i was to leave them and go out.

Sorry i think i forgot or missed; why you went to India? Just a break or for treatment? I do hope things get sorted out for you soon...

Latha

That is absolutely true. When we were in USA we were thinking "Oh we can get a servant maid to maintain house and cook, etc.,". But after coming here I have understood that getting servant maids is very difficult. Secondly they charge bombshell prices. For taking care of the baby one lady asked Rs. 5000. She will not do any other house work. One lady said she will maintain complete house including cooking Rs. 5000 per month. We simply were dumbstruck hearing the prices that they were quoting. Anyway now a lady comes to our house for cleaning vessels and house, no clothes washing - we pay her Rs. 1000 per month, apart from giving breakfast daily.

And relatives - they are only enemies (seriously). See I am supposed to go to Kerala to my SIL's house where my MIL will also come for christmas holidays. It is just the matter of another one week. But Akki is not keeping well. If I tell them now that I am not ready to travel because DS2 is like this - they will obviously think that I do not wish to mingle with them - which is absolutely not true. I want my kids to have both sides grandparents and relatives. I want them to follow my DH's caste dos and donts. But now definitely they will not understand that I am concerned about my kid's health. I am just postponing telling them, because I am scared (honestly).

The example that you have mentioned has happened to myself during the beginning days of marriage. I am from a non-brahmin Kannada family and DH is a Tamil brahmin. So matters only getting worse if these things happen. And I am the only DIL who likes to do make-up, who is having very short hair (after marriage I got mottai done, which became a big topic of discussion at home) - these are creating lots of unwanted negative talks about me. Only now my DH respects my feelings, life was horrible during 2005 / 6.

Now I am sincerely trying to understand them and create a healthy life for all of us. But how far they are going to understand my problems is a big question.

Originally Posted by Traveller

Actually y'day DH and me were talking about having help if we lived in chennai. I told him it'd actually be lot more stressful. Because you have to please so many people. He says we can live life the way we want.. i personally think that's very easy and do-able for a man. But women (that too married) cannot just tell someone to mind their business that easily, in our culture. Like one simple incident happened. We had confirmed that we will visit DH's friend's parents when we went home last year. Just at the time we were leaving, his athai and cousin came home. They excused him when he said we have to meet someone for dinner. But for a long time they reminded me how disrespectful i was to leave them and go out.

Sorry i think i forgot or missed; why you went to India? Just a break or for treatment? I do hope things get sorted out for you soon...

Latha

My SIL lives in Chennai, is in a demanding job. Luckily her husband sort of consults from home so he's there to take over when needed. When her 2nd girl was born and her husband was also in regular job (the first one was in lkg then) they appointed an aaya. And that lady gave over-dose of cough syrup to the 3 month old so that she can watch sun tv:( And she stole some clothes etc., then with great difficulty they found a day-care. That's what my SIL was telling us... the servant maid has to be given food, bonus, clothes for deepavali, pongal and advance whenever they need. But you cannot cut salaray even if they come only 1 week in a month.

Here i have a cleaning lady who comes once a week for 2-3 hours. She's very prompt, never wastes time. Also she never cheats me by say doing 2 hrs' work for 3 hrs and charging me excess money. I have even left her at home and went shopping... she can be trusted. Now there are eastern-europeans here who cannot be trusted but i'm talking about a local. If she doesn't come one week i don't pay her.. simple! I think whenever we move back i'm going to have a tough time.

It's not that we don't want to help people with little means but there should be some dedication to what they do right! Only recently everyone has become greedy and want to earn money through short-cuts. In my school days we've had servant maids who were earnest. And many maids have asked my sil you both are earning why can't you pay me money... now how about that!

Latha