How do you reinforce good behavior?

Good question Raj. Aadhu started tantrums at 9 mnths - I was completely unprepared and no book could give me ideas on dealing with atntrums in such a little one! What I do is a combination of things - activities dangerous to life (electric sockets, balancing at the edge of the balcony, reaching for pans on stoves) are forbidden no matter what the tantrum. I just remove him - fullstop. Semi-dangerous activities I use a combination of removing him physically/distraction. Getting harder to distract though nowadays. Small stuff - crawling into unreachable corners/under tables where he can bump his head/using the remote/my cellphone - i let them go for the most part. I use " NO" in a loud voice only for the big stuff. I have hit him (one short sharp slap on the behind) once so far - for persisting in trying to eat the gunk collected at the draincover in the bathroom while bathing - he never tried that again.

Vanathi.

 

Wow girls... I'm getting worried thinking of the days ahead of us!! They do say that its similar to training dogs, though I think its easier to train a dog than a kid! Reward good behavior and like Vanathi says distract bad behaviors and if gets beyond a limit then one short slap and a high pitched NO. But sometimes I think we should just have the patience for the kids to have a bad day too - for they are like us too - they can have soppy, irritable, angry days too.
Good luck with your kids' temperment!
-L.

 

Thats what i always say too!

V.

 

Thats what elders say, its not that simple to bring up a kid! I am wondering too how to manage and reinforce good behaviours and our cultures in him! But we have to do! Vinay is becoming adamant for some reasons sometimes, not wild though! As Vanathi says we shd give a blow at the back not too harsh if he goes beyong the limit! Otherwise we should distract or say NO at high pitch voice like Lavanya says! Anyway it s easy to tell, but lets see how we r going to manage!

Now that my inlaws are here, so we distract him, but when they are gone, only then i will know my patience I used to tell my FIL who used to carry Vinay ALWAYS ( i cud say he spoiled Vinay ) the only word that comes out of my mouth after u return to India is "NO".

 

I agree with what all have said here.I too feel bad about having to hit aniish sometimes but as his pedi said we can't reason out with them on everything. They just need to know clearly what is allowed and what is not. For example if he spills juice by mistake i don't shout at him (even though i'm angry) but if he does the same knowingly i do scold him and make him clean the mess (to whatever extent possible). By now he knows clearly what is accepted and what is not. This age the children test our limits and we have to clearly express what we think.

Latha

 

Well I would like to add a few lines if I may..children do recognise the admonishings and understand yes / no very well. just my 1cent.

 

Hi,

I read a book on disciplining children. I don't remember the title and author of the book now. The book suggested that whenever children do something undesirable tell the reason why we do not want them to do the action and give them an alternative action. For example if you child hits you tell him "hitting is not okay but kissing and hugging is okay". This technique really works for me. If I push my son too hard he becomes very aggressive. If I treat him like a little gentleman his behavior is much better. Anytime he displays good behavior like sharing toys I praise him a lot. Sometimes when he is in a good mood I explain to him why a particular undesirable action is very harmful like touching the stove etc.

When my son was in daycare they would always avoid using "No". They would keep saying "not ok" because when we use "No" so often it becomes the first word that they learn to use frequently. It is harder for them to say "not ok" at an early stage. I have also realized that redirection is better then saying a firm No. When I say "No" very firmly my son challenges my authority even more. He wants to show that he is the boss.

I feel yelling and hitting are bad ways of discipling a child. They imitate our actions and do the same thing. Every time I yell at my son I realize that I sound just like my mom 20 years ago I usually apologize to my son if I yell at him very badly or hit him. I have hit him only twice. In the US it is an offense to hit or spank the child.

The other technique I use on my son is that I keep telling him he is a "good boy". If my son does something undesirable I ask him "what boy are you" and he says "good boy" then I tell him "Good boys don't do the <undesirable action>". This works well too.

I know it is very challenging to deal with toddlers. I have safety proofed my house as much as possible. I always make him spend a lot of time in baby proof places like parks, malls and play areas. It tires him out and also helps me to save my sanity.

Thanks,
Kavya

 

Hi Kavya,

Your reply is very thought provoking. When I think back I have been screaming/hitting my boy too often. I just didn't know/have a clue how to handle and was very impatient (may be because i slept very little with him waking up too often as a baby). When my parents were here to help with my delivery he had begun to shout, throw things if something didn't work the way he had expected. My mom mentioned that we both (me and DH) were using 'No' too often and that was aggravating me and also he was just imitating my own behaviour. She would always distract him efficiently and tell him positively for any of his wrong behaviour (i mean when he throws things, shuts the door etc.,).

After delivery (and now i also get good sleep through night) I practice this as well. Even now he screams but not to that extent. I have stopped saying 'no' to him but instead explain to him why something is not accepted. May be it is now easier for me to do this because he too understands a lot of what we say. But this whole exercise with him will definitely help me with raising my girl.

If he screams when we are outside i sit at his level and making clear eye contact tell him that he is being a nuisance to others. Else i just remove him from the scene. Last week he started screaming at the library because he wanted to borrow a game that wasn't meant for his age and i refused to oblige. I just took him out of the library and told him that if he screams we will never come to this place again and that he will not even get to borrow books. It worked really well. He immediately apologised to me and also to the attendant.

I still wonder if this would have also worked a year ago when he didn't understand many things.

Latha