What tradition do you NOT like in our weddings?

Just to play the Devil's Advocate, are there any rituals that you do NOT like in our weddings?

I did not like two ceremonies at my wedding. One was that just before Panigrahanam, the bhattar asked me to fall at my husband's (then fiancee's) feet.

The other was that after the wedding, I was expected to prostrate before ALL of the inlaws and my own family members. I refused. My principle is that I will only bow to two - God and my mother. I do not even prostrate before my father and it angered me to have to fall at the feet of random people! My mother pleaded with me to do it "just this once" and I obliged for her sake.

That was the first and the last time. I have since had my daughter, and had many ceremonies - but I never prostrated before anyone again (except my mother, of course).

My views are very different. I do not like any tradition of the wedding, irrespective of the caste or creed.

I prefer a grand reception and a quite wedding in a temple and proceed for registration. Parents should invest money they want to spend on weddings in the name of the bride or groom respectively. It would help to rock the boat smoothly.

A marginal money should be donated to a charity house.

Originally Posted by malspie

My views are very different. I do not like any tradition of the wedding, irrespective of the caste or creed.

I prefer a grand reception and a quite wedding in a temple and proceed for registration. Parents should invest money they want to spend on weddings in the name of the bride or groom respectively. It would help to rock the boat smoothly.

A marginal money should be donated to a charity house.

Ah, you think like me!

I told my parents to arrange for the wedding in a temple and then throw a good reception. I wanted the money to buy our first home but my MIL threw a hissy fit and threatened to call the wedding off. So my parents were forced to go along with a bigger wedding, but even so, it wasn't as grand as it could have been (mainly due to my insistence)

I differ from you dear .. on the aspect of "falling at somebodys feet" as you mention it ..

Why then only your Mother ? didnt your father play a role in bringing you into this world ?

The idea of bending down and touching someone's feet( older than you ) is to seek their blessings . As elders, we expect that they would bless us with all good things in life .

This is the way I look at it ... I dont expect others to have the same views .

cheers

Bhooma

Hi All,
Dear Malyatha,
I want to put my views about touching the feet of elders irrespective of the occasion....
I don't find anything wrong in doing this always...it's to seek the blessing......try it at once.......nobody can have bad feeling towards you while you are touching their feet......i would rather say that it's a way to our elder's heart......
You know why this is done on any auspicious occasion......It is believed that when you are a bride/new mother, your happiness is undescribable and you have a glow on your face......there are some people who may feel Jealous of your happiness and may have some negative feelings for you........but at that time when you touch their feet to seek blessing, they will only utter good things for you......indirectly their bad feelings will vanish.......so, why there is so much fuss for touching the feet of our elders even if some are not good to us........
I am also too modern in my living but there are certain things which never does any harm when followed and when it brings happiness to others without harming you, then why not to follow our tradition at some instances.......that does not mean I will support bowing to elders for a mother who had a baby thr. C-section.......so it depends.....
Dear, why you are bowing to God then, has he done anything good to you himself.......and if other persons who has not done anything for you, then everybody is equivalent to GOD and u should bow down in front of everybody........
I don't want to hurt your feelings but there is no harm in acquiring good traits and pass them onto ur kids............

Originally Posted by Bhooma

I differ from you dear .. on the aspect of "falling at somebodys feet" as you mention it ..

Why then only your Mother ? didnt your father play a role in bringing you into this world ?

The idea of bending down and touching someone's feet( older than you ) is to seek their blessings . As elders, we expect that they would bless us with all good things in life .

This is the way I look at it ... I dont expect others to have the same views .

cheers

Bhooma

Sure, my father played a role in raising me and bringing me into the world. But my logic does not derive from whether he gave me life or not. My logic is derived from my belief that only God is deserving of our prostrations. To me, a mother or anyone who assumes the role of a mother, is the human equivalent of God. For someone else, it might be their father, or for some, both parents. For me, given my background and upbringing, it was / is my mother. That is the answer to my answer to Meeta's question -- since God did all his good deeds to me through my mother, she and she alone is worthy of my respects.

If I have God's blessings, I do not need any other human beings' blessings to survive and even flourish in this life. I do not need to seek the blessings of any other relatives if I have God's blessings. However, since I could not go to the temple every day (and since God worked his blessings through my mother), I prostrated to my mother while living under her roof. After marriage, my MIL replaces my mother in my inlaws' house. Therefore, IF she had treated me like a daughter, I would have had no problem bowing to her as not only does she assume the role of a mother to me in my new home but also she is my husband's mother.

However, my MIL's behavior, treatment of me and sense of entitlement leave no room for that.

For me, it is always God first, Mother next. I consider myself protected and loved and blessed if I have their well wishes and blessings. I just don't see the point of bowing to random individuals, just because they are older than you.

This is my belief. I do not expect any one else has to agree with it.

Dear Malyatha,

This is an interesting topic.

There r so many things in marriage that I feel can be let go,but one thing which really pissed me off was this:
In our's we have the custom of making the girl sit in the father in law's lap at the time of bidayi...that was really gross.In my family we girls do not sit on our parents laps after certain age and sitting like that I really hated.I refused to sit and then they just held my hand and did the bidayi.

This is from my side friends,well it is just a personal thought with no offense meant to anybody.

Suji

Originally Posted by Sujimallige

Dear Malyatha,

This is an interesting topic.

There r so many things in marriage that I feel can be let go,but one thing which really pissed me off was this:
In our's we have the custom of making the girl sit in the father in law's lap at the time of bidayi...that was really gross.In my family we girls do not sit on our parents laps after certain age and sitting like that I really hated.I refused to sit and then they just held my hand and did the bidayi.

This is from my side friends,well it is just a personal thought with no offense meant to anybody.

Suji

You sit on your FIL's lap?! That would have grossed me out, too!

Our custom is that the Kanikadhaanam is done with the bride on HER father's lap. You're right - we don't sit on our father's laps after a certain age and this custom seemed eeky to me, too, but I would have absolutely put my foot down if I had to sit on my FIL's lap!

I think these customs originated at the time when baalya vivaha was the norm, rather than the exception. The brides were almost always young, pre-menarche girls (usually between 2 - 7) and having them sit on their fathers' laps was no problem back then. But this must be reviewed in light of the fact that the girls getting married these days are in their 20s!!!!!

My grandmother was married at age 2 (born 1912, married 1914) and her groom was a 8-yr-old distant cousin. My athai was telling us that back in the day, a girl who hit the age of 11 without being married was considered to be on the shelf for EVER. The Vedas pronounce curses on families whose daughters are not married by the time they attain menarche and nobody would ever marry a girl who had already entered puberty for this reason. However, do we take Vedic curses on girls unmarried by menarche seriously in this day and age? Just like this custom of baalya vivaha is now extinct, some other traditions should be revised to keep up with the times.

P.S: NO flames, please. Just stating my opinion

Dear Malyatha,
Sweety, there is nothing like God.......it was our believe only.......our faith..........God is not doing anything good by himself.........everything is done by some or the other person......and when something good happens we say that God has done good to us while if some bad thing happens we curse the person related to it.......
I do admit that ur mother might have done everything to you but ur existence also involves ur father also......and there r so many people around you who might have some role in ur life.......and its better to acknowledge them too not alone the God.....and u will not be low when u touch feet of elders or respect others........
take care.......

I like all of our wedding rituals(telugu wedding). If any thing has to be changed i would like the kaallu kadagadam part (washing of the feet) by the bride's father for the groom. I strongly feel that eventhough the bride's dad has chosen the best groom for his daughter, in the daughter's eyes no one can match her dad's charecter and it is sort of demeaning to see her dad washing another person's feet. Why can't this be stopped with symbolically offering water to rinse the feet? To counter this my husband was saying that for the first time in his life he touched another person's feet by putting toe ring on my feet.(Now this same DH gives me a foot massage but that is after n+ number of years )

I hear that in other traditions, both the above two are done differently. The toe rings are put by either the aunt's of the groom or the priest and the washing of the feet is by brothers?

each ritual has a special meaning (if we take time to ask/understand).

Now coming to the scale of the wedding, I dislike the circus it has become. Rituals can be observed with true devotion in privacy or in the presence of close family and friends. In the presence of a crowd, they lose their purpose, being modified for "convinience" with the eye constantly wandering to the latest arrival and what they are wearing.....