Is Monogamy Realistic?

If you were to judge the success rate of monogamy by the sex lives of public figures, perhaps couples should change their marriage vows to say, "Till a tempting new partner do us part."
Talk-show host David Letterman recently joined former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford and former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer on a long list of politicians and entertainers (think Jude Law) who have admitted having sex outside their marriage or committed relationship.
But do they just illustrate the realities of modern life?
In the age of hookups, friends with benefits and online dating, and as human life expectancy grows, is it still reasonable to expect people to pair up and stay monogamous until death do them part?
"It's realistic that some people can mate for life in the same sense that some people can play the Beethoven violin concerto or other people can ice-skate beautifully or learn a new language," said psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton.
Added evolutionary biologist David Barash, "It's within the realm of human potential, but it's not easy."
Lipton and Barash, who have been married 32 years and are the co-authors of "Strange Bedfellows" and "The Myth of Monogamy," said serial monogamy may be more realistic -- a model in which people move from one committed long-term relationship to another and choose partners for different reasons at different stages of their life.
Possibilities in polyamory?
For some, even serial monogamy seems too restrictive.
The 1970s introduced the concept of "open marriage" in which couples stayed married but were free to date other people.
More recently, polyamory -- the practice of having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved -- has been getting a lot of attention.
"We found the expectation that one person should be our everything seemed unrealistic given our day and age. ... It's oddly pressuring to set up that scenario," said Mark, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, and is in a polyamorous relationship. (He asked that his last name not be used for privacy reasons.)
Mark, 42, has been married for five years. He and his wife tried different things to spice up their marriage, including swinging, or having casual sex with other people, he said. But they found the experience unfulfilling and decided what they really wanted was to be able to fall in love with others while staying together.
Mark dates another woman, and his wife, who declined to be interviewed for this article, is dating another man. The four of them frequently get together to have dinner or watch movies.
"People describe polyamory as 'poly-agony' because of all the work you have to do to maintain things," Mark said. "It's just not normal to look over and see your wife with another man. I know a lot of people would have a real problem with that. I really don't."
Americans are too surprised by infidelity when it happens. I think we go into marriage with perhaps unrealistically high expectations about human nature.

The ultimate goal is for everyone in the group to live together, Mark said.
"This isn't about having affairs, it's really about being able to be open and loving," he added.
Researchers studying polyamory estimate there are more than half a million polyamorous families in the United States, according to Newsweek.
People seeking shorter, more secretive dalliances now have more opportunities than ever online. One example: The Ashley Madison Agency, a dating Web site for married men and women, which claims 4.5 million members and greets visitors with the motto, "Life is short. Have an affair."
No wonder many people believe monogamy is completely on its way out. French author Jacques Attali in recent years wrote, "Monogamy, which is really no more than a useful social convention, will not survive. It has rarely been honored in practice; soon, it will vanish even as an ideal."
Cultural give and take
That ideal may depend on where you live.
A journalist who traveled the world to examine how adultery is viewed by different cultures said Americans have a harsher view of infidelity than people in practically any other country.
"Americans are too surprised by infidelity when it happens. I think we go into marriage with perhaps unrealistically high expectations about human nature," said Pamela Druckerman, author of "Lust in Translation."
The French, in contrast, are as hopeful about staying faithful as Americans when they get married, but if one of the spouses has an affair, they are able to accept it as something that can happen over the course of a long marriage, said Druckerman, an American who lives in Paris.
When French President François Mitterrand died in 1996, for example, his longtime mistress and their daughter attended his funeral -- at his widow's invitation.
"[Americans] think if an affair happens, it's the end of the story, the fairy tale has been completely shattered, the person isn't the person we thought they were. The knee-jerk reaction is you have to get a divorce," Druckerman said.
"[In France,] there's less of a sense that the person who cheats is a terrible human being or that this is a marker of a person's whole character."
In Russia, Druckerman found that infidelity is considered a pleasurable vice, like smoking cigarettes. In Finland, sex in general is viewed as a very positive experience, so when a person is presented with the possibility of a sexual experience, it's in some ways socially sanctioned to pursue it, Druckerman said.
Famous and powerful are different
Experts on relationships and human sexuality said that while we may not be wired to stay faithful to one partner for a lifetime, we can make a conscious decision to do so -- a choice that still comes with powerful emotional, biological and economic benefits.
And while the sexual exploits of celebrities such as David Letterman can be shocking, it's important to remember that powerful or famous people can have more inclination, opportunity and resources to stray.
"They are used to the adrenaline rush in terms of being out there in the limelight. ... I call them adrenaline junkies," said Terri Orbuch, a professor of sociology at Oakland University and author of the new book "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great."
"They need that passion and excitement in their relationships."
That can make famous or powerful people more likely to look outside their marriage to continue the adrenaline rush, Orbuch said.
Power, wealth and fame are also well-known aphrodisiacs that attract lots of potential new sexual partners -- an issue with which typical couples may not have to grapple.
Monogamy's payoffs
Whatever the temptation, most people still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, said Nadine Kaslow, a professor at Emory University School of Medicine who specializes in couples and families and who also is chief psychologist at Grady Health System in Atlanta, Georgia.
"People feel safer and they feel more trusting. They feel like they can depend on their partner," Kaslow said. "I think that we can make choices in a different way than [other] mammals and think through the consequences of things."
Those consequences can be huge, in many ways. Nature has provided powerful incentives to stay faithful that are still valid.
"There are a lot of reasons why sexual monogamy is in people's interests," Lipton said.
"Because whether it's raising children or avoiding emotional chaos and drama, like what David Letterman is facing, or whether it's building an estate and avoiding conflict about estate planning, there are lots of reasons that two people who cooperate are better off than one person alone or one person who is a cheat."

--CNN

your thoughts??

Hi Nandhu..

All the time David Letterman case was being spread and he, with his head held high accepting the fact that He had sex with more than one woman when in a committed relationship made me think that Relationship has no Value in the world of Fame and Fortune... This is not about polygamy or poly "agony" which i feel for them is very easy to handle!!! This is about Exploitation of Trust and understanding...

I have been thinking about Hugh Hefner all these while... What is He Doing inside that mansion??? Why are these girls religiously following him and sleeping with him??? Is it because they get some excitement out of it??? Well... am not sure about that... It is because they get fame and fortune...

In the Chelsea Lately show, there was the interview with his latest girl friends and when asked how parents of the girls react to them being in the mansion... They said "their father wanted them to give him a tour of the mansion"!!! How Sick....

I would say with the Rank of Celebrity going higher.. their desire to SPICE things up come in between and things start to take its turn around...

All I can say is am not sure of any impartial judgement in this regard... but it is Disgusting.. and dangerous too... Don't you think???

I am amazed and amused that people have the time, energy and resources to consider such living scenarios. I guess that is why it is primarily the very well to do seem to be pursuing such choices.

Everything depends on how strong the marriage is. The couple needs to be very mature, understanding and accepting of each other at a fundamental level. And even then they need to proceed step by step. Only then swinging, swapping or polyamory can work or else everything ends in a traumatic experience.

Its not a question of right and wrong, moral or immoral. These definitions are subjective and also change with time like everything else in life.

Very interesting topic but explosive. To be handled with care.

Pradeep

Originally Posted by Cutepavi

Hi Nandhu..
This is not about polygamy or poly "agony" which i feel for them is very easy to handle!!! This is about Exploitation of Trust and understanding...

hmm.. I guess you are confusing Affair with Polywhatever. In an affair, the other partner does not know about the sexual relationships of the other. That's what happened in the case of all these celebrities.

But in polygamy the wives know that they are not the only one. In polyamory, both knows of the other partners.

I have been thinking about Hugh Hefner all these while... What is He Doing inside that mansion??? Why are these girls religiously following him and sleeping with him??? Is it because they get some excitement out of it??? Well... am not sure about that... It is because they get fame and fortune...

Very true.. you please the man in whatever ways, you might get a chance to be in the next playboy issue. But not for all.. It's just a high level prostitution to me.. He beats you with money and you do whatever you can with your body. That's it.

In the Chelsea Lately show, there was the interview with his latest girl friends and when asked how parents of the girls react to them being in the mansion... They said "their father wanted them to give him a tour of the mansion"!!! How Sick....

Yep.

I would say with the Rank of Celebrity going higher.. their desire to SPICE things up come in between and things start to take its turn around...

All I can say is am not sure of any impartial judgement in this regard... but it is Disgusting.. and dangerous too... Don't you think???

I agree. I guess at one point of time in future, humans will start becoming animals. Mating with whoever they want. Yuck !!!

Originally Posted by BeeAmma

I am amazed and amused that people have the time, energy and resources to consider such living scenarios. I guess that is why it is primarily the very well to do seem to be pursuing such choices.

I think its not about people with money or fame alone.

Remember there was a case last year in Texas. Who was preaching polygamy and I guess a small village was following it?

And I think back home in India.. in previous generations having 2 wives or more is not that unlikely. Even the current TN CM has 2 wives and they both come to public events..

Originally Posted by psd1955

[color=Navy]Everything depends on how strong the marriage is. The couple needs to be very mature, understanding and accepting of each other at a fundamental level. And even then they need to proceed step by step. Only then swinging, swapping or polyamory can work or else everything ends in a traumatic experience.

I agree. But when something like these start in your life, I guess its like "I am ready for whatever" you know? You are emotionally numb?

Its not a question of right and wrong, moral or immoral. These definitions are subjective and also change with time like everything else in life.

True.. all these are definitions of humans millions of years ago and that's what is more scary to think what might be in store for future..

[/quote]

Marriage is a social regulation - a social law and like everything in India it has been spiritualised which has left a tremendous impact on our mindsets over centuries of practice. It is therefore natural to feel disturbed if there is any attack on the status quo.

In the west religion has had not that deep an impact on marriage customs as in India. Moreover western culture is ever innovating in all fields and "relationships" happens to be just one such field which is not that rigidly regulated owing to its own history and many other related factors.

India too is following in the footsteps of the west. This is inevitable and may result in mutated and diluted versions of all our social customs. Also many things happen in India which are taboos to discuss openly but nevertheless discussed in hushed tones (a result of our cultural moorings?).

It is not that in India such experiments were not in vogue. May be they were more systematized and regulated and even exceptions from the norm were made in certain cases (refer Hindu mythology)...for instance Draupadi's marriage to the Pandavas.. or Vyasa fathering Dhritarastra, Pandu and Vidura.

There were many unique customs amongst Indian tribes and also in northeastern India. So also was the concept of matriarchal societies in India. Circumstances of the time dictated all these trends. Again perhaps the present times are dictating their own unique social trends.

The same thing is happening today with new kinds of 'relationships' replacing the traditional definition of marriage. And in course of time when a practice becomes widespread it gets accepted and social laws come into being conforming to the new customs and practices.

There is nothing to fear as to how society will become in future. Everything is a cycle and there is a self-regulating mechanism in nature that eventually takes care of all aberrations. Let's go with the flow.

Pradeep

Nandu ... Deepawali patas vadikyara mood la erakiya. (Are you in the mood for some fireworks). This is a great topic.

Only one guy has responded to this post and he has given the impression that monogamy is not very realistic. It would be nice, if more men wrote about their views on this.

Woman all over the world tend to be monogamous. I don't know if it is our upbringing or just the hormones, we are content with what we get

Personally, I believe that monogamy is realistic, but fidelity is not. I think we all have thoughts of being with some other person, for many of us these thoughts remain just that, for some it gets converted into action.

I also believe that men are more prone to stray than woman.

I too believe that human beings are not born to be monogamous, but we choose to be so for several valid reasons as outlined in the above CNN article.

What does it mean when we say that men tend to stray more than women?
When men stray, whom to do they go to? A Woman. So aren't they both equally straying? Also when Sharda said that she feels Monogamy is realistic but fidelity is not - isn't that contradicting?? Fidelity means being faithful to one, which is monogamy.........I hope I have not confused you with the question.

I think women had lot more social pressure and expectation and duty to the society dumped on them which forced them to have more control over their feelings. Men excercised their free will. Do you think that if the concept of polyamory was taken in with a bit more open mind, it would actually help in strengthening monogamy further down the line and make it sustain longer??
I feel people would find polyamory unfulfilling at some stage and would revert back to the place where they feel safe and can be trusted (which is where they started off with). Some people possibly need an external influence to make them realise what they have with them is the best or atleast will be able to revive the old relation........Just thinking out loud here. Please tell me what you feel about this too.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by psd1955

Marriage is a social regulation - a social law and like everything in India it has been spiritualised which has left a tremendous impact on our mindsets over centuries of practice. It is therefore natural to feel disturbed if there is any attack on the status quo.

Thanks Pradeep. I agree to your thoughts.

Change is the only constant in this world

Since you mentioned how can religion preach 2 things. Are we supposed to understand and follow what is best? Meaning, all our hindu Gods have more than one partners, but monogamy is preached to the follower?