I need help!!!!!!!!!!!! its crazyyyy-- I CANT say NO

Helllo Dearies

its me again and I am just feeling so sick of it....here goes my problem

We have new neighbours who moved in 5 months ago....this is their first US trip so they are kind of settling down....We met them just 6 weeks ago and since then all my troubles have started

Basically they are ok, but one thing is the lady of the house keeps asking me for some stuff which I dont understand...like the blender, or the vaccum cleaner, potting soil for plants.., roses from my rose plants, etc

There should be some line of limit somewhere I dont know how to say NO..I am really worried now, if i say she may get me wrong and I may lose friendship with her, but if I dont say NO anymore I am going to really get a good bash from my husband as if anything breaks or stops working he is not going to buy new ones...and me and my husband has to fight about this...

last week she took the blender and kept it with her for 1 week, later I had to call her, go to her house and get the blender (though she cameover to my house to take the blender)

once or twice its ok that too when she sent over the stuff to grind I used to grind it and give it to her ...but again today she said she is planning to make dosa batter for next 2 weeks (that is huge amounts of it) so needs the blender at her place....I am scared I told her to give it sometime in b/w so that the coils wont burn...however I am really upset because the blender costs just 20$ and for that why so much of fuss???

moreover she is very clear when it comes to her doing something for me...like the other day I told her to get some coconuts and betel leaves if she goes to Indian stores, and guess what she has gone to the Indian stores and didnt get them and she even told me that she didnt get them reason being she thought anyways when i go I can get them or she would take me so that i can buy them (is it that I wont pay money for them if she buys those stuff??? didnt understand at all what was her thought process at that time)

Also there was this time when we both families went together for groceries and they were buying some thing and she said we both can share so I had given her the money right there in the store itself so that she wont feel awkward to ask us money...and till today she didnt give me that item which we were supposed to share....

By the way one more thing that upsets me is...they are non vegetarians...and we are vegggies.,....so once when I had gone to her house she asked me about it and I told her no we dont eat eggs also etc....out of no hwere she started saying she would make some non veg curry and give it to me to taste and thats how we can make a habit of non veg it seems...WHAT THE HELL???? I dont understand...did i ask her that I want to taste non veg??? NOO NEVER then why such thought and words also from her ??? am i toooo over meek???I dont have any problem being friendws with her i dont care if others are veggies / non veggies provided they keep their habits to themselves and dont rub it forcibly on others...now I am scared even to touch any food that she gives as I doubt she mixed something in it....


so it boils down to....when it comes to her needs she just pushes me and calls me thousand times and gets her things done...but when it comes to me she just wont pick calls, or makes some bahaana and gets out of it....I am reallyyyyyyyyyyy irritated today and also very angry at myself that how can i not handle such people....if I tell such things to my husband, he says you cant be friends with anyone, you ladies always have problem with others etc..etc...its like he blames me only in turn...

what to doo this is really making me irritated

And why do you want to be friends with this cheapskate user??????? And why do you worry about what someone who seems to have no respect for you thinks??????

Originally Posted by tashidelek2002

And why do you want to be friends with this cheapskate user??????? And why do you worry about what someone who seems to have no respect for you thinks??????

Hey Dear

Nice to see your response maa but you know we all have gone through some difficulties when we came to US...the first time...when we were looking for someone who can help us in simple silly things, like taking us to the grocery store, showing the near by stores etc, which is good / bad giving some info....also good neighbours always help us make feel at home...

I dont want to sound like a selfish person here...I want to be of help to them..but one thing tthat irks me is...am I going too much out of way for helping them and they are taking me for a ride....I dont have that knack of words which she has....

I dont want to spoil our friendship (i know its just some acquantance but they just live opp. to our house..the moment I open the door i get to see them day in day out..) I dont want to create any problems...

SriVidya:
I can fully understand where you are coming from....and its nothing to do with being Indian new to USA as it can happen anytime you move to new place and come across someone doing the same. But would you return someone else's help in the way this woman has returned your kindness? Over my lifetime I have seen this type of person every once in a while (thank God not more) and they have a PhD in manipulation. Sooner or later its going to blow up with her, you just have to get in the position that it is not going to affect you negatively.

I think this situation highlights how women (worldwide) have trouble with assertiveness and boundaries. Our nature is to be helpful and who is going to tell someone to be less helpful? I do think from a cultural standpoint Indian women have a slightly harder time though traversing assertiveness (living somewhere in real world between Kali and "adjust"). When I was in my early 20's I realized in my own life that some folks could negotiate the world getting what they wanted (I mean that in a broad sense) without antagonizing everyone else. I wanted to learn how they did that. I read a book on asserrtiveness training that helped me a lot (When I Say No I Feel Guilty) but there are other books and probably websites that might help you to learn some attitudes and verbal styles that will help you now. As I have lived life, I see the the power plays between all humans as a deep factor of all relationships. If you can learn to negotiate that power, it will help you throughout the rest of life. So perhaps God has sent this woman to you so that you may learn that now.

Vidya,
You do not sound like a cheap or selfish person to me. Too much of any thing is bad. Why create unnecessary obligations by giving and also taking.
From what you said, she is very clear on her part and am sure she is just using you.

So it is better to say NO than regret Later. Next time she asks for a blender, you can say you need it and also you can mention "you will get the same thing in walmart or any other store" and she can get it from there.. There is nothing she has to feel bad about it.

If she needs to grind anything for her use, she needs to buy it on her own. Also, you don't ask her for any help. See if it is bringing any change to your friendship. If it does, there wasn't any friendship in the first place.

When it comes to people like this, you need to be really stern.

Vidya, I also had a similar situation. My neighbour (hubby,wife and kid) who lives just opposite to my apt came to US on a temporary visit for few months. Don't know how long as she said its very uncertain.

My biggest problem was the blender too. She would want it and tell me that I could take it from her when I needed as she wanted to grind several things. After few uses, I was annoyed that I finally told her that my grinder is not working is at the shop for maintenance repair. Their is a slight change in her behavior but who cares. In addition to grinder, she wants to use my printer and fax machine too. Once a while is ok but she wants to use them like they are hers. I have told her very strictly that the ink is very costly and to not use for her son math problems.

I can understand your situation. Best is to refuse and show her the way to walmart.

Vidya,

There are ways to say NO Vidya, blame it on many things and say NO and may be indirectly tell her that there are sales out there and she can buy one for them.

(1) The blender is working weird and you got good from husband for over doing stuff
(2) That you have soaked something for making and you need them
(3) The blender is cracked and you yourself has to buy a new one.

See, helping the new comers is NOT by lending everything for them to lead a life. You can direct them to where they can buy it at a best price and once in a while (remember once in a while) help them out. Else indians, sorry to say about the fellow country men/women, but they have this mentality to ride free on others stuff. And we for helping would look like stupids.

So dont worry, just once try to indirectly put it out there, that you dont want to keep lending. And for such people who could not even buy few $$ worth of stuff for you from the indian store, you should be smart too.

Now I would sound more like a dumbo if I tell you guys that this is not the first time I am facing such a neighbour :(

blame it on me....I was never able to say no...I even go to an extent of cooking more food or something special to keep the friendship going on..I am scared of they thinking I am selfish or wierdooo who is thinking high of herself because she got one damn blender or something else..

for the varalakshmi pooja I made vadas more of them so that I can give to my friends and neighbours..and gave to this lady also..first thing she asked was do you have any pickle that goes with the vadas..I said sorry maa I dont have I didnt get time to make....she started saying how she ensures she make some pickle also along with vadas if she is giving to her neighbours or friends or at home etc...etc and GUESS WHAT??? I made groundnut chutney in the evening and had given it to her :((

I am the dumbest is what I think I dont know why I want people not to mistake me....its really hard for me to SAY NO..no matter who ever it is..and I over do stuff so much that sometimes it backfires on me and in such a way that I have my own foot in my mouth and have severed all ties with that person..again losing friendships or people ....I have to learn this art where I dont hurt myself or others and should be able to say a sweet NO...

Originally Posted by tashidelek2002

I see the the power plays between all humans as a deep factor of all relationships. If you can learn to negotiate that power, it will help you throughout the rest of life. So perhaps God has sent this woman to you so that you may learn that now.

Dear

I couldnt have put it better than what you have said here!! Yes god wants me to learn but I am always failing to learn because I come across either too vulnerable or too soft or too headstrong...nothing balanced inbetween I guess..

because she got one damn blender or sblame it on me....I was never able to say no...I even go to an extent of cooking more food or something special to keep the friendship going on..I am scared of they thinking I am selfish or wierdooo who is thinking high of herself omething else..


I used to find myself doing this to folks who didn' t treat me as well as maybe some others so I had to watch this in myself for a while and what I came to conclusion was this was for folks who I was trying to have them like me. Then I realized this was silly as folks will either like you or not like you and I should be targeting my resources for my real friends. After that all those behaviors fell away. Is this perhaps your problem?