I need help!!!!!!!!!!!! its crazyyyy-- I CANT say NO

Dear Vidhya,

Your post reminds of a neighbor I had when I was living in a different place.

She used to bring left-over home-cooked foods home and tell us that she kept it aside for us. Moment you heat them they will smell rotten. Once she gave me an almost-spoiled coconut, when I was leaving for India. She told me that she got a prasad from temple for satya narayan katha and couldn't consume fully. She left it on my countertop even though I stressed on saying NO to her explaining that we are leaving to India that night. Got good from my husband that day

There were lots of such cases. She'll borrow my vessel and return it burnt. Once she cooked meat in mine's and returned it to me telling the same. I had no way to use it but to donate it to salvation army. I was totally upset by her behaviors and started acting little rude to her though my mind didn't want that.

Even after we moved, she called me sometime on a weekend (that too just on a saturday morning) and asked me whether she can drop that noon for lunch (BTW with her family). I was totally dump struck.

Never mind, the underlying fact is that, I started giving her back these days (feel bad though). But there's no other way. Once when she told me that she'll dropby, I immediately rebounded saying that we have someother commitments that day (infact that was true but she won't mind even that). Some people are like that, the only way for us is to talk back to them. Don't even spend too much time with that kind of cheapskate. All the best dear, sorry for my long post but want you to know that there are these kind of people everywhere. Hope you will soon get it right

-Uma

I'm having a problem here with advice that is telling SriVidya to be a liar in order to use her own blender!!

Being assertive is NOT resorting to lying, avoiding, hiding behind caller id, etc. It is addressing the problem directly and tactfully and ending it there. Do you think Bill Gates would follow this type of advice? I doubt when he says no that anyone is going about with you shoulds and buts. I am sure he uses caller id but not out of fear or weakness. I am sure he goes about his business without worrying about avoiding. And here SriVidya is supposed to be doing all these things just to keep her own blender in her own kitchen!

I see nothing wrong with SriVidya telling this woman when she calls asking for the blender that the loan of the blender was a short term thing as it is needed at home for cooking on a daily basis. As such, it has been too inconvenient to be loaned in future but if she needs the locations for buying low cost blenders, a list can be given. What is wrong with speaking the truth???? If you are thinking she might think this or might think that, you are imagining. Who knows what this woman thinks? Don't rule your life by doing things based on what you think someone else thinks.

Uma

Yes I faced such people too, who used to call us for potluck and take the night before left overs from fridge and serve.....that too right infront of my eyes....we stopped going to their house for potluck...


however when theycome to our house...they ask for all kind of snacks, and specially this neighbour will make faces on diff snacks or drinks i offer...like if i offer orange juice she puts a face saying she is tiredof orange juice, if i give coke tin she willjust sip and leave the rest 95% of the tin on the table and i am scared it will spill :(....if i offer biscuits..oneday she said she hates biscuits...god..i feel as if i am a crappy person as i dont even keep something that is eatable....

i keep beating myself up when people do such things...feels as if they have to point out or kind of some show down going on...

Originally Posted by tashidelek2002

I'm having a problem here with advice that is telling SriVidya to be a liar in order to use her own blender!!

Being assertive is NOT resorting to lying, avoiding, hiding behind caller id, etc. It is addressing the problem directly and tactfully and ending it there. Do you think Bill Gates would follow this type of advice? I doubt when he says no that anyone is going about with you shoulds and buts. I am sure he uses caller id but not out of fear or weakness. I am sure he goes about his business without worrying about avoiding. And here SriVidya is supposed to be doing all these things just to keep her own blender in her own kitchen!

I see nothing wrong with SriVidya telling this woman when she calls asking for the blender that the loan of the blender was a short term thing as it is needed at home for cooking on a daily basis. As such, it has been too inconvenient to be loaned in future but if she needs the locations for buying low cost blenders, a list can be given. What is wrong with speaking the truth???? If you are thinking she might think this or might think that, you are imagining. Who knows what this woman thinks? Don't rule your life by doing things based on what you think someone else thinks.

Yes Dear you have exactly said whats in my mind...my 2009 goal was not to lie for some smallsimple things...i told myself except for 1 r 2 predefined reasons whichi have for anything else i will not lie....either i take the crap or just run away but no lying...so that is the glitch here...

thats why I said its tough to say NO....but yeah got to practise it really or else i cant go like this anymore ....being vulnerable

Does this lady ever invite you to her house??? I wonder if people can be so cheap!

Originally Posted by SriVidya75

Uma

Yes I faced such people too, who used to call us for potluck and take the night before left overs from fridge and serve.....that too right infront of my eyes....we stopped going to their house for potluck...


however when theycome to our house...they ask for all kind of snacks, and specially this neighbour will make faces on diff snacks or drinks i offer...like if i offer orange juice she puts a face saying she is tiredof orange juice, if i give coke tin she willjust sip and leave the rest 95% of the tin on the table and i am scared it will spill :(....if i offer biscuits..oneday she said she hates biscuits...god..i feel as if i am a crappy person as i dont even keep something that is eatable....

i keep beating myself up when people do such things...feels as if they have to point out or kind of some show down going on...

SriVidya:
Realization of the problem is usually 80% and implementation is 20% in these things that deal with our definition as a person. You go girl!

You know, addressing things head on gets rid of problems quickly and easily. Last year when I was in Delhi I was over at the grocery store with my friend who is Tibetan (we sure were a pair!) and we were going through this new store to see what they had. This local guy working there was gawking in a very unsettling way. Normally I overlook this type of thing as Indians (delightfully for the most part) have a bright inquisitive outlook on life, but this was over the top. I was in a neighborhood with few folks from anywhere but there, and his gawking got to be unsettling. Finally I went over and said to him Aapka problem kya hai? You would have thought that I had electrocuted him! After a lot of Problem nahin hai's it was settled and he went about his business.

There is an efficacy of directness that shouldn't be discounted.

Originally Posted by Cutepavi

Does this lady ever invite you to her house??? I wonder if people can be so cheap!

Pavi Dear

I did go to their house few times (mostly to get my blender back or to get the vessels or bowls i gave her, at that time if she offers something I take it calmly thats all...no more talks or comments from my side...)


I just realised, last week when she was doing pooja she wanted those use and throw cups which I started giving her for food (to avoid giving utensils so that i can stop running around her house)...my bad again...she sent her husband to pick up those use and throw cups as she wanted to give prasad to our neighbours who come for the pooja. As now her husband is standing infront of me out of shyness I have given him the whole 25 count bowls I bought and told him if any are left over please get them back...he said ok...

thats all its been a week no news..she told me that 5 guests had come on that day and she gave prasad to them...basically seems like I am DUMB, DUMBER & DUMBEST....the more I think and ponder on it the more i am feeling worse its as though whatever is in my house is hers.....but not the other way round

thats why I had started this thread!! In the past few years of my stay here in US..I have come across such neighbours every where I had been..its really worse sometimes even to an extent where some of them used to just drop in the exact snack time on weekends ....but i never mind cooking or serving food...

what hurts is the moment i stop serving due to some reason might be i was not in mood or i was really tired...I loose all these so called friendly neighbours, they dont call me or even they dont smile at me when we come across each other in the neighbourhood

vidya,
After reading the last post,i can see that you are feeling helpless.Just because she lives next door and you got to meet her every day doesnt mean you must be a lending library type.
White lies are acceptable.you could have easily told "the paper cups are finished".I cannot understand her husband's attitude too. BTW did she give you the prasad in the plastic cups?
Prepare your answers before hand and tell her the same.i feel she has tortured you enough.its high time you stop this nonsense.No harm in being rude to such people.

Originally Posted by SupriyaDinesh

vidya,
After reading the last post,i can see that you are feeling helpless.Just because she lives next door and you got to meet her every day doesnt mean you must be a lending library type.
White lies are acceptable.you could have easily told "the paper cups are finished".I cannot understand her husband's attitude too. BTW did she give you the prasad in the plastic cups?
Prepare your answers before hand and tell her the same.i feel she has tortured you enough.its high time you stop this nonsense.No harm in being rude to such people.

Supriya

No.... I was not given the prasad (I was having our ladies problem at that time)

Yes I have decided to say a stern No going forward....let me see how it backfires