I need help!!!!!!!!!!!! its crazyyyy-- I CANT say NO

Dear Vidya,

You know what...after reading about what all you have done..or still doing for your neighbour..how I wish, I too lived near your place .

Jokes apart...As other friends have mentioned here...you should learn to say gentle NO when you have to. Repeatedly give some excuse for not lending and they will get the message.
I understand that you are too sweet a person, to refuse anything..but we have to be firm sometimes yaar.
I too am learning it.


Bye

Originally Posted by Saraswathipv

Dear Vidya,

You know what...after reading about what all you have done..or still doing for your neighbour..how I wish, I too lived near your place .

Jokes apart...As other friends have mentioned here...you should learn to say gentle NO when you have to. Repeatedly give some excuse for not lending and they will get the message.
I understand that you are too sweet a person, to refuse anything..but we have to be firm sometimes yaar.
I too am learning it.
Bye

saras very true.. She is so sweet and innocent.

Vidya.. being sweet is one thing.. but shouldn't be a doormat too.. You seem to be doing each and everything, so they dont find fault at all. But these people are not worthy at all.. they will stick only when we are of some use, then they will move along. We need friends who would stick thick and thin... not such cheapstakes.. be firm, let them know you can say NO too.

Dear Vidhya ,

You cannot make everybody happy and need not make everybody happy too.Very simple.If a person cheats you once it is their problem, if they take advantage still then you are at fault.

You need not worry about what she thinks or what she feels.She is just plainly exploiting you.

Just have a Hi..Bye with her.She is not worth your friendship.

Vidya Mam,

I totally understand the way u feel. I was just the same a couple of years back. I was least bothered whether they are good or bad, all I want is NO ONE SHOULD THINK BAD about me. But I had my lessons :) I learnt that you cannot satisfy everyone in the world.

Its good to be of help to neighbors. But make sure they are 'taking help' and not 'exploiting' you. Both are different. What are u gaining by having such people around and satisfying their expectations? You have your loved ones to shower your affection and help, who can give them back to you. Do not waste your goodness on someone who dont understnad and feel grateful rather exploiting you for it. Ask yourself before u do such things 'Do u really need such people?' what are u gaining with them?

When I had such situation , I put it on my DH . You do it if you are not comfortable in saying it straight, say that you are getting bashings from husband for running around to get blenders back from her when u needed urgently etc...

Never ever encourage people to exploit you. Giving is good, but give to people who are worth it. Please change and never let people mis-use ur goodness.

Good Luck.

Saraswathi, Nandu, Nidhi and Sowmya

Yes I would try this time to say NO....I want to learn the art of saying NO..I have to and I should lets see how it goes...

I understand how you feel. We used to do the same for new neighbours( but not to the extent that you are doing) , but some people are just leachers
and just take you for granted. Now i learned how to say NO through the hard way.

You are really trying hard to make the friendship going.But do you really think she is worth it? Sounds like she's a very selfish person, who's trying to take advantage of you. If she can afford to come to US and stay for months , she can very well afford to buy a blendar.

Nandysyam had given excellent ways of handling her. I strongly suggest that you should take some bold steps when it comes to people like these.

Gosh! can't believe that she asked pickle when you gave vadas.

vidya, here is a start to the art of NO and saying it with no guilt

We say "yes"to others because we want to please them. But when eventually we can't continue, we let them down and we feel guilty. Both parties suffer[In this case, its clearly only you]. Recognize that a desire to please often prevents us from saying no. But in reality we never would be able to please everyone.

Be firm -- not defensive or overly apologetic -- and polite. This gives the signal that you are sympathetic, but will not easily change your mind if pressured. Phrase your "no" as simply as possible. Don't raise your voice or become upset, simply say that you cannot help this time. When you say no, say it in a confident, well modulated voice to sound more straightforward.

Don't feel obligated to explain. You have your reasons and they may not be ones you wish to discuss. If this is the case, try saying something like what I have said earlier, that you need to grind something, vaccum is broken etc. Leave it at that - if you must, change the subject.

Stand firm. If the requestor does not want to accept your answer, tell him or her that your mind is made up and that you will not change it. Be firm, thats most important.

Be respectful. Even if the person asking isn't. If your refusal upsets someone, remain calm and, if possible, remove yourself from the situation.

Saying no can be good for you. Saying no is not a selfish act. In fact, it may be the most beneficial thing that you can do for your family and your other commitments. When you say no, you'll be able to spend quality time on the things you've already said yes to. You spent the hard earned money right? What if it really gets broken. We need to think about our situation as well. We can be good beighbors guiding them, not providing them everything for them to lead a normal life.

More importantly, because of this not able to say NO, you are under a lot of stress, you've got a much better chance of becoming sick, tired or just plain crabby, which won't benefit you or anyone else. See you helped her, but it not give you any peace. So what is the point?

No. Nope. Nah. See how simple it is to say one little word, allowing you to take a pass on nonpriorities? Of course, there are always instances when it's just not that easy. Here are some things to keep in mind when you need to say no:

Saying no won't be easy if you're used to saying yes all the time. But learning to say no is an important part of simplifying your way to a better, less stressful life.

Collected and edited for you from the web. Read and learn

Hi SriVidya,

NandShyam put it very well - In your place I would be very firm. The lady sounds like a parasite. Keep your distance from her!!! Being helpful and being taken advantage of are two different things.

Remember nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.

Don't open the door when she comes, don't prolong your conversation with her beyond a wave, even if she comes to talk tell her you are in a hurry, if you have a caller id don't take her calls.

If she asks to borrow something tell her you don't feel comfortable borrowing or lending. If you are uncomfortable being that direct, there are a thousand excuses (You need it in half an hour, it is not working etc...)

Nandu

Thanks alot dear for giving that information...I would start trying to implement it....

Originally Posted by pavarun

Hi SriVidya,

NandShyam put it very well - In your place I would be very firm. The lady sounds like a parasite. Keep your distance from her!!! Being helpful and being taken advantage of are two different things.

Remember nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.

Don't open the door when she comes, don't prolong your conversation with her beyond a wave, even if she comes to talk tell her you are in a hurry, if you have a caller id don't take her calls.

If she asks to borrow something tell her you don't feel comfortable borrowing or lending. If you are uncomfortable being that direct, there are a thousand excuses (You need it in half an hour, it is not working etc...)

Yes Thank you Dear! I would do that....seems like she is following that cell phone caller id thing....when i call her she wont pick up hte call and says her mins are low or some or the otehr excuse and I know that its all just excuses...but still I never made up those excuses...seems like its time for me to start doing and learning some NOs.