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What would you do if a woman you know was in crisis?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Endlesshope, Apr 20, 2015.

  1. Endlesshope

    Endlesshope Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello my lovelies,

    Its been a long time I posted here. Been busy with life :|
    So anyways here it goes -

    Met a fellow mom at a park a few months ago. We are of the same age and have the kids of same age so hit it off pretty well you know with play dates and all things related to kids. So the talk between us mostly related to kids and never went into personal details except for may be the general stuff. So now I know her for over 6 months as a little more than acquaintance/ friend but not a best bud. Only recently did the husbands meet like may be thrice over dinners /drinks. He came across really nice too from a really good school, well mannered etc etc . But things escalated pretty fast over the last week. These have been the conversations over the last week.
    Day 1: She said things are not going well between them for long time now.
    Day 3 : "MIL is coming down in a week" this super important piece of information is given only a week or day before she arrives by the husband. And usual my mumma goddess drama.
    Day 5: We meet them over for dinner. Things seem normal like really normal.
    Day 6: She calls up saying things have gone really bad where he has physically abused her and that she is flying back with the kid.
    Today is day 7.

    Well I did offer comfort and the usual " there there it will get better stuff" but I have been feeling guilty as to may be I could have done more. She did ask me to come over to her place for a bit , but I dint want to end up in a awkward situation you know if her husband did come back I dint want to be in the middle of things.

    Over this forum in the anonymity we do / I did offer wide range on solutions but when it came to reality I was confused and dint know how to respond or offer solace.
    What would you guys do?
     
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  2. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Stay away from it. Don't get involved in husband - wife issues. What her husband did was wrong, but there is little you can do here. It won't go well for you. She will have to take a stand for herself, and she already has. You can only listen to her, and offer sympathy. Don't criticize her husband, and don't give your opinions, unless asked. If you must, let her know what you think concisely, but leave her free to decide. Let her handle it.

    I found nothing wrong with what you did. So, don't feel guilty. You can offer support if the relationship gets over. But right now, they may even patch up, and you can get blamed for coming between them.
     
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  3. suryakala

    suryakala IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Endlesshope ,

    Before doing anything discuss with your husband and then decide to help or not to help. This is very important. Ensure that unless both of you are unanimous without any reservation, or coercion do not act in anyway. Do not feel bad if he thinks differently.

    Even with all good intentions, even one is as close as a mother to a daughter, one should venture to advice a couple only when it cannot be avoided or a physical harm is imminent. It is better to encourage and help the couple to solve the issues by themselves.
     
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  4. Endlesshope

    Endlesshope Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes ofcourse Suryakala , its always a priority to discuss such things with your partner first. And be assured that we are on the same page.

    But that is not my issue, it is this thing that if a friend or such is in marital trouble we need to take into consideration a lot of factors like as you said "discuss with Dh" etc etc , think about the affects of it on our relationships. But in virtual world like when on this platform [indusladies] we do not hold back to make anonymous suggestions [ pages and pages of posts on married life makes it pretty obvious], we dont really think about the factors like "discussing with dh".
    So does that mean we dont really care for the OPs who post here or are bold cause there are no direct repercussions?
     
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  5. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    Virtual or Real, there is only so much one can do., ultimately it is for the person to decide the course of action.

    In real life, when we see a person going through tough times, our earlier observations, our judgement of the couple, their personality, the body language, our comfort level with the person, our own personal circumstances come into play before we offer an advice...whereas in virtual world, we have to take the posters word and react according to what we perceive from the words on the screen...that doesnt however diminish the genuineness of our concern or empathy for the poster. In certain cases, I am sure many of us discuss the issues we see here with our dh or our family, friends to get a different perspective...

    Virtual world offers anonymity in which one can freely discuss their problems and seek advice .....In real life however many times, ppl share their problem not because they want solution but because they want someone to listen to them... and we are reluctant to give or receive advise because we feel that it may change the dynamism of our relationship with them.
     
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmm...tough question. I think in real life the degree of help offered in this type of situation - crisis, etc -- is directly proportional to how long we have known the person. Eg, if you knew this mom from India or college days and reconnected here, you would hav offered more help. I dont see what else you could have done realistically. *maybe* you could have asked her step out and met her in the park where you normally hang out . maybe the frsh air and just being outside may have cheered her up but other than that I cant think of anything. I would not have gone to her place either.
    virtual vs real -- again same argument. the key difference is if you knew the person from before, knew their background, what was going on you would have felt justified to step in and offer some help -- proportional to the situation. Same thing here in this forum. The poster here starts off the thread with a lengthy background giving all the details etc and then poses the question. But in your friend;s case though ou saw her daily you never went past acquaintance stage. so dont beat up on yourself or on us here (;), joke!)
     
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  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    ...and sometimes its easier to advice in a virtual world because of lack of accountability.
    If there was a woman here saying she was beaten up by her DH 90 % of the posters would have said..tell ur hubby u will call 911 /call 911 pack up ur bags..go to the nearest shelter..call ur friends..
    But u see when we see that in real life it suddenly occurs to us..we are that friend..we are the ones who need to call 911 and host her in the middle of the night..its a tremendous responsibility and one most of us are not prepared for..
    Dont get me wrong the virtual advises are not wrong ..they are sincere ..its just very hard to walk the talk. Most abuse victims do not have the support system needed . Its only when it occurs closer to home do we realize the full blown dynamics of it.


    What would I do..?
    I dont know..depends on how much I trust what she tells me. Might go all in or wait on the sidelines until its clear what kind of danger she is in.
     
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  8. Endlesshope

    Endlesshope Platinum IL'ite

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    Diplomacy is the key you say in reality :p


    oh there's going to be lot of beatings only, you ladies better answer :)
    Sandhya, was just trying to understand if there was any other perspective/dimension to it. Had been thinking what kind of suggestion would I make if it was online , and that is what made me post after a long time.
     
  9. suryakala

    suryakala IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Endlesshope ,

    Thanks for your response. It is a very good concern you have regarding views of virtual forum views in real life.

    In a virtual forum like this, when you express your views, in most of the cases it does not come back to you in your real life and affect you or people connected with you. That is the reason you can be bold and free to express. That does not mean you would be insincere or irresponsible in your views. But it is for the other person to act or not. The other person knows that he/she cannot have any 'material' recourse on you for having acted on your views or advice.

    But in real life situation, for any advice given, and followed, you always have an accountability and the other person will always have a 'recourse' on you for having followed your advice. This will affect the relationships in real life due to the consequences.

    When one transforms virtual relationships in to Material relationship there are so many consequences. Even when one up loads one's photo or given personal contact details, you have turned a virtual relationship into material relationship irreversibly. This can be done only with great, great caution. Because one cannot verify anything about the other person or what the other person say.

    There are so many cases of ' conmen' on internet.

    In case of your park friend , it is a real life situation. If she was as on line virtual friend and you were to advice her, sure, you would not necessarily consult your husband, because the consequences will not affect him or your relationship with your DH.

    My suggestion had taken into consideration these three aspects.
    1. You and I are virtual friends.
    2. You are dealing with a real life friend.
    3. A sincere view on how a marital problem could be handled as a third party by my virtual friend for her friend in real life.

    Hope I have not added more to confusion!:)
     
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  10. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yep, this is true, and thats why in various posts I keep harping on online world versus real-world out there. There is no accountability in online world, where you can login and logoff anytime (AT OUR CONVENIENCE when we want to read the stories). And we can be present or absent. Completely different story in the real-world where things happen in flesh and blood.
     

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