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Friend talks uncomfortable stuff- what would you do?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by hrastro, Dec 12, 2014.

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  1. Dec 12, 2014 #1
    hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    I am considered to be calm and open minded and knowledgeable and non-judgmental, and I am comfortable discussing all sort of stuff with all kinds of people!

    I have this friend who I meet almost everyday - kids school bus stop, after school classes, get together, cook-ups, ladies day etc

    She is a wonderful lady, very helpful and hardworking and has 2 kids near my son's age, who are also gems!

    I know I should not be complaining, she IS REALLY a wonderful friend, but for every conversation she brings the topic of her period!

    Every single day, throughout the month, any topic, any woman, any issue, any place, she introduces the topic -

    E.g. I say - "Lets plan something for the weekend" she says " yeah sure, my period got over last week!"
    I say - "Lets make the kids do their own chores" she says "yeah I will tell them that god gave those 5 days for us to rest"
    I say - "I'm sending my son to this wonderful class" she says "this week I cannot send as I'm having my period, but after that I will think about it"

    I could give so many examples - any topic, she will find a way to introduce the topic - it doesn’t stop there, it will continue on with how many days and pain and flow and washing the bathrooms and the bedsheets and her DH doing the cooking on the three days etc etc etc…

    She doesnt move out of the house at all during those 5 days and her husband does all the cooking and driving and dropping kids etc - he even comes home early or works from home and helps her out on those days!

    Not because it is painful or she is too traditional, but just because she doesnt like to move and feels lethargic!! Am I jealous that she gets away with it - not really!! I do the same when I have back pain - thankfully it is not monthly and lasts only a day :)

    Anyway, the trigger of this post is that Today, she called and said its my second day, my kids will go to the evening class by walk as I wont drive or get out of the house or Maybe you could drop them if you're able to, but could you please fill up the form and pay the fees ?

    BUT, the fact is it is also MY second day!

    Of course, I don’t stop any of my work, I have to go there anyway to drop my own son at the same class, and I would LOVE to help her out, I have no problems with that - but it makes me uncomfortable to hear about her "excuse" ! That little detail was unnecessary!

    I am of the sort that even my DH will NOT EVEN KNOW when I'm having my periods - unless he finds out by himself! I'll mostly continue all my chores and yes, even I have pains and heavy flow days but I just handle it privately!

    I don’t talk about it the WHOLE MONTH, EVERY SECOND AND EVERY HOUR, EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! She talks about it before and after and during and always!

    So this talking takes a toll on me ! In the beginning she had some issues and discussed it, and I found some good products and solutions for her - so I thought she discussed this topic only with me, but on further friendship, I realized that she talks with ANY woman the same way ! In fact, I found that she discussed with my mom about my initial days etc - Arrhrhrgghgh !!! Not that it is all a secret or anything, but why should she talk about it with every woman in every conversation? She also introduces the topic almost every day with her husband too (I know this from what she herself relates to me about her day)

    I AM NOT A PRUDE, I DO and HAVE discussions on every subject in the world with people of either gender and of all ages - My DH's friends have asked my opinion on their wife's scanty breastmilk and I've been comfortable giving advice, my male friends have asked me what kind of epilator to buy for their wives or sisters and I've helped out !! Many friends talk about uncomfortable topics -girls and guys and kids and elders - I have discussions about everything under the sun!

    It is her ability to introduce the topic in every SINGLE conversation - that’s what gets to me !

    I just want to know how to maintain my own poise !
    As I said, she is a wonderful friend and I don’t want to be irritated with her or offend her and I definitely DONT WANT to avoid her!

    It is just a quirk and I know I should just ignore it - but it gets to me sometimes, like today :)

    Any suggestions, ideas, pointers to deal with my discomfort?

    Should I tell her that it makes others uncomfortable ??
    (I know because when I invite her along with my other group friends, they get like Whoa!!! Where did this topic come from!!!)

    Or should I be like our common friends - just listen to her statement and move back to the original topic as soon as politely possible !!!

    How do I help her know the difference - where the topic is necessary/natural and where it is not necessary/unnatural? How to teach etiquette in a diplomatic way ?

    Should I teach her this etiquette?? Or should I just let her remain the same and deal with my own discomfort ???

    What would you do?
     
    hrastro, Dec 12, 2014
    hrastro, Dec 12, 2014
    #1
    3 people like this.
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  2. Dec 13, 2014 #2
    generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    It's possible that she has a genuine menstrual problem..Maybe you are able to manage the household & other responsibilities during ur period but she is unable to do so.. Each one has a different pain threshold that they can tolerate..probably she has low tolerance to pain..

    to tell the truth I also get severe abdominal pain, cramps, nausea & dizziness during menses..i do minimum household work that time..

    If these "period" talk make u uncomfortable, tactfully tell ur friend that she would better discuss these menstrual related stuff with a good gyaec who would be able to help her..maybe she can do a full medical checkup and then take medical advice as to how she can manage this..subtly hint that you are probably not the best person whom she can discuss this stuff with..she may tak ur hint & stop.
     
    generic, Dec 13, 2014
    generic, Dec 13, 2014
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  3. Dec 13, 2014 #3
    Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    is telling "Pls don't mention that topic anytime to me. " an option?
     
    Radhai, Dec 13, 2014
    Radhai, Dec 13, 2014
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  4. Dec 13, 2014 #4
    Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    oops now the forum knows and will keep a record :) kidding
     
    Radhai, Dec 13, 2014
    Radhai, Dec 13, 2014
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  5. Dec 13, 2014 #5
    oysterzzz

    oysterzzz Gold IL'ite

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    I also had one friend who would always talk about her br**sts. Most of the time she would say, "They r big na, so I could wear t-shirts n blahblahblah......." No idea whether she was just proud of her big br**sts or just unhappy. God we just used to laugh out. Not that she repeats this in each n every conversation. May be you should tell her to consult a good doc, if she is that much uncomfortable.

    In earlier days of our marriage even my MIL used to tell us about all their problems. Like expenditure this month, like how they r in need of so much money but she never used to tell us whenever they buy something new. I heard for few days and later whenever she start her crying, i also start like her. Started telling her how big our expenses are and how little our income is. may be she understood that and after few days she stopped saying all the history.

    sometimes she also opens a health record about her grandchildren (DH's bros kids) talks about when they would get fever, cough or whatever. immediately i reply her, even my kid who happens to be her grandchild as well, is also not feeling well. i also tell her about my sister's kids and gyan her that almost all kids these days do not have that much of immunity. she understands that and changes the topic. My MIL is not that dumb enough to not to understand what others really meant. so she stops doing that. but few people, would never understand.

    Good that at least for those 5 days you don't get to come across her ;)
     
    oysterzzz, Dec 13, 2014
    oysterzzz, Dec 13, 2014
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  6. Dec 13, 2014 #6
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hrastro, you are so sweet. I want to do frenship with you. And never ever talk about p**i**s.

    I have no suggestions, but just wanted to say your post and predicament made me smile. :)
     
    Rihana, Dec 13, 2014
    Rihana, Dec 13, 2014
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  7. Dec 13, 2014 #7
    generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    By the way I happen to know that there are many ladies who even discuss their intimate lives with their close friends (I dont like sharing such personal stuff and avoid such discussions but I have seen other ladies discussing this with friends n comparing notes about their experiences).. I can imagine the OP's expression if she had such a friend..!:p
     
    generic, Dec 13, 2014
    generic, Dec 13, 2014
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  8. Dec 13, 2014 #8
    Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    h

    your post brought a smile.

    have encountered somebody similar long back.

    oh she will come home, stay the entire time with her daugther who was 2 then and say i don't feel like cooking have to cook for h, and more. indirectly i have to feed all the three of them. the dd would drop crumbles of papad/sabji on the carpet. the sambhar rice would have spilled all over.(that the lady used to go out with a packed dabba, not even cleaning the carpet much to the irk of my kids is another story.) and both her h and mine were colleagues and initially i did not want to be rude.

    the same lady would comment a little differently if somebdoy in the apartments (we were mostly south indians in that apartments in a me country) took hair bath saying "Oh heavy night", you are glowing on the after effects and such comments that really irritated me. once it went to the extent of telling me "oh S, your husband sang very well.. and i had to break my head when..and when i asked h, he said oops i was singing in the bathroom" and she used to always listen in on us..know what is happening in the kitchen, when i cook, and come down.. , (bad for us she was on the floor above) so there are lots of people who are unique..god makes them on a special assignment.

    i had enough one day, told her stop feeding her here, if you really need the sambhar and sabji's i will pack it and give you, but please spare me the burden on my spine cleaning the carpet everyday and i don't have the luxury of a friend helping me out when i fall sick. i think it worked. she stopped coming in while i was cooking. and lucky me moved away.

    Is telling her once, what is the big deal, most of the women folk work on those 5 days including me. i can't take excuses of those 5 days..even though my kid and husband can manage.
    i don't know if she has a girl. tell her she is setting a very bad example..

    P.S h, i never discuss these things, and if it helps i don't ask my dd too.
     
    Shanvy, Dec 13, 2014
    Shanvy, Dec 13, 2014
    #8
    sindmani, chellammu, hrastro and 2 others like this.
  9. Dec 13, 2014 #9
    garimagoyal

    garimagoyal Senior IL'ite

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    ahhh.. she sounds like my MIL who will bring up this topic (or her question abt the dates) in front of room full of people (including guys).. her every call also includes at least one mention of this topic :bowdown makes me so uncomfortable :hide:


    My tactic is to immediately try to switch the topic.. talk about something else... or just the blank eyes stare
     
    garimagoyal, Dec 13, 2014
    garimagoyal, Dec 13, 2014
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  10. Dec 13, 2014 #10
    hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanx for your response generic,
    Yeah, it is ok that she is unable to manage ! It is even ok if she discusses the medical part and gets advice or opinions from me/other women - but she introduces the topic in the most unrelated topics and will go on about washing bedsheets and bathrooms after the 5 days and I did not cook/drive and my DH did and other stuff !!

    She has no medical problems, and she says it is not pain, it is more of lethargy and I dont have any problems with her resting during the 5 days, she is very hardworking during the rest of the month - I dont mind her complaints, it is just that she somehow reaches to the same topic any time of the day/month/year from any topic :)

     
    hrastro, Dec 13, 2014
    hrastro, Dec 13, 2014
    #10
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