How do you even make friends??

Ditto here,I was surrounded by friends in India ,initial lonley days in US were hell. I made a lot of effort to make "friends". I went through something similar, so called "friends" used me as a driver, cook, used my apartment for get togethers and parties never bothered to help me with cleaning or cooking but wanted credit for all the well organised parties and outings. And as you said on top of that gossiping about other "friends" who are not present at that time. As u said I was also part of the facebook picture perfect "gang".I put up with this thinking it is my mistake that I cant adjust with people who are different from me. We moved to a different city after a few years and I didn't make extra effort to make friends and I am better off and lot happier this way.
To answer your questions
1/5)As u say I have aquaintances who I meet at social gatherings, no interference, no expectations from me or from them.I see that this way people are more willing to give pointers and suggestions and be more open minded , than when we try to get together more often as friends.Maybe one day one of these acquaintances will become my friend.But right now , in no hurry to make friends.
2/3)If in same city maybe a message asking them if they want to join us if we are going somewhere, or wish on festivals. Share delicacy on festivals etc. If they are out of city , a call maybe ones in a month or so and also on festivals.

4) Yes we do take a lot of trips, outings thats me and n my sweet hubby. Most unplanned and spur of the moment, don't have to coordinate or adjust with anyone else.
6) Yes sometimes I do but then I remember the time I had "friends" and I will be back to normal.
7) I finally escaped from that gossip group by moving to another city , don't know how I would have survived if I was in the same city for a few more years.

And yes don't say you don't have friends, u do , mine from school, college ,work, hostel are still in touch with me even if they are in India and myself in USA and we talk very less than what I would like , but I can happily say they all still care about me and are actually my friends and vice versa.

Remember we cant choose our relatives but we can choose our friends , so I make friends only if I am happy being their friend.

 

Can you list the possible social settings (like, neighbours, work place, park, etc.) where you meet people in your day-to-day life?

 

Kalpana, I'm extremely sorry that my post made you feel depressed! I wrote it when I was in a very positive frame of mind ;-)

Kalpana, even while I feel happy about the friends, there are times when they have completely ignored me or I've failed them several times too !! Or I've opened my mouth too loud or too soon or interfered in a wrong way!!! Or they've been rude and hurting to me!!!

And I've also felt ignored and friendless many times when I've put up some serious cause or charity run I believe in, and get 2 likes and another person who puts a status saying I'm bored, gets 83 likes and 40 comments!!!

I dont profess to be an expert on making friends or keeping friends. But let me try explaining.

I dont allow ego and calculations to come in between. And I'm honest with them.

I always offer first, and dont keep count of 'did they do this for me?' e.g. Whenever I take my son out for museums or parks etc I'll call and inform them if they're free they can join! When I'm putting him up for a new class I'll inform them whether they join or not! This doesnt happen from their end. So many times they go ahead without telling me but I accept it and dont take it personally! From my end, I always make it a point to inform them!

I dont expect them to believe in my causes or crusades, I tell them about it, I incorporate their suggestions, but if they dont have the time or interest to listen, I might feel hurt for a second, but I understand that their priorities might be different from mine!!

They also tell about their own beliefs which will be totally against mine, but I dont judge them for it, they're still my friends ! So many times, I would have gone to their place suddenly or ask them for some help or the other, if possible they say yes, but if not, they are upfront about it - I'm busy or not possible - I have done the same - we dont take these things personally and keep our friendship above these petty incidents.

One of my friends never meets the other person's eye when she talks to people - I feel very uncomfortable with that aspect - about 5-6 years back I told her that I feel uncomfortable when people dont meet my eyes while talking and she replied back saying yes - but I havent had many friends in my childhood, and have always been an introvert, so I cant meet the eyes !! Even now we are the best of friends, she participates whole and soul in my causes and is very outgoing now and has her own sets of friends too, but this aspect remains - and I've NEVER mentioned it again !!

As for where you meet them - you see them all around you - library, school, extra classes, parks, DH's friends wives, your college mates - sometimes you get close, other times you live your own lives! And then suddenly one day you get together and it is as if you have never been apart

What I'm trying to say is - realize - that in this journey called life - not even your own body will give you company till the end!!! People are just passengers who may travel with you for some time and each person gets off at their own station!

If we live our lives with integrity, and get involved in people's lives, we will have friends!

It takes work - you should be ready to take the responsibility of being the bigger person in the relationship, giving more than you receive, ignoring or forgiving small mistakes, understanding their point of view, walk in their shoes, accepting their idiosyncrasies and being non-judgmental about their actions.

And have the confidence and a healthy self-esteem and understand that whatever your friends do, it is not personal to you!! Their lives dont revolve around you even if yours might !

Sorry if I got too sermonizing ! I'm sure even my friends dont like this lecturing aspect of mine and yet they're my friends ;-)

 

Kalpana

same with me I have no friends ,those short term friends I get they won't keep contact later.i think everyone has friends I am having some problem due to which no one wants to be my best friend- those I have only are friends for benefits


hrastro

you our share excellent tips and last few lines I liked a lot.
i some what understand what I should do to make friends
i expect them to involve me ,but sometimes they go with other friends without calling me.sometimes they go out with their husbands but my husband won't come
when I try to make conversations with new people,they won't look or smile
i think I have lost my self esteem self confidence,so people moving away from me

This thread helped to see what I was doing wrong

 

"What I'm trying to say is - realize - that in this journey called life - not even your own body will give you company till the end!!! People are just passengers who may travel with you for some time and each person gets off at their own station! "

These lines are so true and the sooner one realizes this, the happier they will be.

OP, as for your post and state of mind, can you let us know the places you frequent? And whether you work, have kids?

It is definitely more difficult to make friends in a foreign country, even if there are many Indians around. You need to think out of the box and not be specific about mother tongue, mentality, tastes, race etc. (not trying to say that you are, but a general comment) Also, it is better not to focus on "making friends." Acquaintances, play date mamas, coworkers-that's how one should start looking at it. "Friends" is a big word and comes with a lot of baggage, IF you rush it. And as hrasto rightly said, no one is going to be with you till the end.

In my case, I stay out of the country where there is very little Indian population, and most of the acquaintances I have are because of my son's school, park friends etc. Some of them are way older than me but our kids study in the same class and love to play with each other.
I have minimum expectations from them, do not have a facebook account and do not bother who they hang out with when they are not hanging out with us.

Frankly, I do not think that being in a "thick group of friends" would work for me as we have a hectic schedule, I like my space and I do not want weekends/holidays to be affected by a social calendar. Luckily my DH is the same type.
Since I am not too stressed out about making friends, for me it is easier to reach out to people while asking for a playdate or meetup.

If you are not working, I would suggest you look for a job so you can meet more people. Volunteering is also an option.