Rifts

coolsandy · Sep 8, 2014

I was an above average student during my school/college days. Just a few achievements that every other above average student would have and nothing really great to boast about.

But, I have faced a few problems when I meet my friends' parents or cousins/aunts/uncles. Like assuming that, that particular friend/cousin is not good at studies or something; when we are together, their parents would point out them and say that "see... ur friend/cousin is achieving so much, and you are not doing anything at all " or something like that. And that causes tension between us, i.e, my friends/cousins and myself. Even without me knowing it or though I have not done anything, there is a rift between us and that would never fade away. I can sense that hatred in their faces.

Not just during school/college days, I see this happening even now. I happened to stay with a friend for few days. Neither of us is a really good cook, but I am much better than her. One of her neighbours is really close to her and visits her once or twice daily. They both share a very good rapport and she happened to taste my food once. All three of us were having lunch together, and she happened to mention to my friend, about me, that "she cooks very well and she seems to have an understanding about regional cuisines very well" and that sparked unwanted tension between us. My friend made a long face and was never the same to me again. We are still friends but not with that zing. That neighbour was really not inducing anything bad in our relationship, but it happened without even her knowing it.

I think it happened many times, too... rifts between two persons, created because of a third person. I really go helpless in such situations. How do you guys deal with it?

padmaja909 · Sep 9, 2014

dear sandy the i feel as soon as someone praises you in front of your friend or neighbour, play it down, saying aunty its not a big deal, and take your friend/cousin's name and say, she can cook ( name a dish which she can cook better) that dish better than me. or highlight something in which she is good at and praise that quality of her. this way you can deviate the attention from you to your friend/cousin. and she wil also be happy. there wont be any tension between you also this way.

coolsandy · Sep 9, 2014

okay. I get the point. there were situations, when those elders criticized their children that they were not earning or haven't settled in their career yet, and again, in front of me. I am telling you, this is the worst rift I have ever faced. my cousins/friends look scornfully at me and literally have a grudge against me. It is a past thing now, but I really would like to know, how such things could have been avoided??

coolsandy · Sep 9, 2014

may be my friends'/cousins' ego was hurt because their parents were pointing out them in front of a third person. But, I could not even move out of that place. it usually happens when we are having a cup of tea or having dinner or some place where I just could not move away from.

SGBV · Sep 9, 2014

Ah... It is a usual happening around me. I would say around us (me and my siblings or me and my husband)

People would praise us for no reason infront of our friends, cousins and relatives. But we always make sure that we tell them something as to we are not so good at it, but fortunately it turned out to be good today. Also we do praise the so called friend or cousin and to pick one good quality of her/him and say as if we are always jealous about that. So, at the end of the day, the so called cousin or friend is not hurt. And the relationship between us is not spoiled. May be he/she would take a chance to deal with the person who did the comparison, but not with the product (us) at least.

Same happened to us the other way round too. My mom and MIL would always compare us with our friends and cousins. Despite having so much of good qualities, we end of being compared and advised. It ranges from our saving habits, tradition, house hold chores, marriage, mothering etc..etc... Sometimes it pisses me, and I also end up feeling odd/bad about the person with whom I was compared of. But the bad feel last only if he/she nods in acceptance or looks down at me as if he/she is great. Ya, I have some friends who would echo the comparison and advise me as to how better I could polish myself to become like them. Sometimes, their silence and body language would echo what they think of. So, it obviously makes us worried.

Thankfully, many of my friends or cousins are like us, and they would only pick up the good stuff of us to counter praise us. It smoothen the situation.

coolsandy · Sep 9, 2014

Ok. I would zero in on counter praising from now on wards. Great tip.

Dinny · Sep 9, 2014

If somebody goes mellifluous about me and compares me to my friend then I make sure that my friend is not left out in the conversation and point out at something which she is good at.
It all depends on how we take the compliments and behave...IMO.

JigsSM · Sep 9, 2014

Comparisons between friends, cousins keeps on happening. It is on the other person how he or she takes it. If the person is mature enough then that person will not feel bad if the person knows their quality. If someone is praising you , but there might be situation when someone is not praising you and other person. I think its all about the timing and situation. If you really feel bad about it that because of third person there is a rift between you and your friends or cousins, then sort it out or just say that no its normal now a days or something will be show good quality of your friend or cousin.
Its tendency in India to praise others children always or show that his or her child is not good and others are, so that his/her child takes it seriously and work on it to achieve it.

kma · Sep 19, 2014

Making mountains out of molehills? So what if she likes your cooking? If you are such good friends where is the need to drag such a small issue for so long? Or am I missing something ?

coolsandy · Sep 19, 2014

kma said: ↑

Making mountains out of molehills?
Click to expand...

no.. the intention of the post is to bridge the gap that could be created, knowingly or unknowingly, by a third person.

Or am I missing something ?
Click to expand...

yep.. the part you missed is reading my OP which clearly states that my friend made a long face and was never the same to me again.

The sole purpose of this thread is to ensure such rifts do not occur again. And I did get good solutions to it, thanks to all the ILs who posted their suggestions.