FB - To friend or not to friend???

DKI · Apr 23, 2014

If you all could give me some advice on how to proceed - or what you would have done in my situation.

Here is some background

I have a best friend from my college days. She is more like a sister to me than a friend. At that time I also had a very very good male friend. He saw my best friend during my sister's wedding, and it was love at first sight for him.

It took me a while to give her info to him (I asked her and she was not ready to get to know him). But he managed to woo her by sending her cards and letters everyday (would address to her, send to my home address). Now this guy would write such long letters to me, as well as a couple of my neighbours as well....he was just a great friend.

I left India after college, and he proposed to her. She was a hindu and he a catholic, and ofcourse both sets of parents were not keen on it. I had a good relationship with both sets. Her mother came to my house and talked to me. I remember telling aunty "I would trust him with my life" That was all they needed to give a nod of approval.

Just before the wedding, I sent him a letter and told him that in the event he made her cry even once, I would support her and not him.

About 3 years after their wedding, the troubles started and finally after a lot of pain and fighting, they ended up divorcing. I cut off all contact with him

Today, she has finally come out of all those issues, and even today tells me (I still feel guilty because I gave the stamp of approval for their marriage!!) that as a friend you could never ask for better, but as a husband he was horrible.

Current situation:

Yesterday I received a friend request from him on FB. I was in a dilemma as to whether or not to accept. After all my best friend, who is his ex, is also a friend. She has always wanted to keep her life a secret from him - meaning where she is and what she is doing. I sent her a message and asked her what I should do...because ultimately if she says no I will certainly not accept.

This guy is now happily married to another girl that we both knew. My friend also knows that they are married.

If you were in my position, what would you do? I do honestly miss his friendship because he has stood by me during a lot of my tough days in college...my parents also know him as he has come to our place and has attended both my sis as well as my wedding.

ANY feedback is welcome. My husband says that there is no reason I should not accept his friend request.

RedRuby · Apr 23, 2014

Very difficult question. What does your friend his ex-wife says about it?

I appreciate it a lot she says he is great as a friend but horrible as a husband coz that can be a case for some ppl as friendship and marriage differs a lot. Please do not feel guilty as both your friends that time thought they will lead a happy life and so you stood up to support them, as a good friend is supposed to be. She doesnt seem to be angry which is good and shows her good character too.

If this friendship meant so much to you, you can stay friends with him. All you have to make 100% sure is to never pass any information from one of them to the other.

Having said that i have to tell you honestly i wud msg him back that im really sorry, miss his friendship and value all the good memories and what all he did for me but i cant keep friendship as it wud put me ultimately further or later in a position between chairs. It might get stressfull to hide information about her to him. What if for example she gets afraid to post on your wall? She will be tagged in your pics? He will be able to view things he shudnt really? You will be the one to be in a bad position... so to avoid further stress i wud atleast not be friends with him in facebook. If he really likes to keep in touch he can come with his wife and visit you with your hubby or send mails to ask how you and your hubby are. This might be stressless for you then to communicate via facebook.

DKI · Apr 23, 2014

Thanks for the reply. The only reason my husband said its ok to connect on FB is because even though she is a friend there, she posts maybe one message there in a year. No pictures of us together or anything.

But yes, you do make sense. I am weighing my options here while waiting for my friend to respond to my query

pinky2cute · Apr 23, 2014

I understand the point. Don't feel guilty dear. You just did what you felt was best at that time for your friends. Situations change and so do people. It's not in your hands.
Your bestie is really sweet and seems she understands your friendship and values it.

Regarding FB, I see no harm in accepting his friendship request. Just accept and choose the option to as "restricted" under the friend tab. So that even if your friend post something on your wall or you post something, he wont be able to view it.

Also, make it clear to him that you'd not talk to him about anything related to his ex (your friend) as you want to stay loyal to both the people and so you do not want to be any sort of medium to get or give information about them.

Good luck.

pinky2cute · Apr 23, 2014

I understand the point. Don't feel guilty dear. You just did what you felt was best at that time for your friends. Situations change and so do people. It's not in your hands.
Your bestie is really sweet and seems she understands your friendship and values it.

Regarding FB, I see no harm in accepting his friendship request. Just accept and choose the option to as "restricted" under the friend tab. So that even if your friend post something on your wall or you post something, he wont be able to view it.

Also, make it clear to him that you'd not talk to him about anything related to his ex (your friend) as you want to stay loyal to both the people and so you do not want to be any sort of medium to get or give information about them.

Good luck.

ivlakshmi · Apr 23, 2014

I feel that this guy just wants to irk your friend and wants to know about your friend (his ex). If he had real friendship with you he would have sent you FB request long back.
Do not accept him and dont even reply him. He is not fit for friendship nor love. sorry to be harsh here.

chillbreeze · Apr 23, 2014

If I were you, I wouldn't accept his request. Though your friend may say it is your wish whether to accept his request or not, it will be difficult for her to see him on your list and may reopen old wounds. And then there is the privacy part of it which RedRuby has explained.

Thinkingbeauty · Apr 23, 2014

Don't accept his friend request. He has betrayed you also by betraying ur best friend. He who was responsible for spoiling ur friends life Such a person does not deserve to be your friend too...

May be I am too rude, but this is my opinion.

ammulur · Apr 23, 2014

If I am in this situation... I will not accept his request....! Main reason because your friend who is a divorcee will not be happy. But he is happy more over at this point your friendship also has no need to him.....!

Think about your friend... will she be positive in this..........!

sumanrathi · Apr 23, 2014

DKI said: ↑

If you all could give me some advice on how to proceed - or what you would have done in my situation.

Here is some background

I have a best friend from my college days. She is more like a sister to me than a friend. At that time I also had a very very good male friend. He saw my best friend during my sister's wedding, and it was love at first sight for him.

It took me a while to give her info to him (I asked her and she was not ready to get to know him). But he managed to woo her by sending her cards and letters everyday (would address to her, send to my home address). Now this guy would write such long letters to me, as well as a couple of my neighbours as well....he was just a great friend.

I left India after college, and he proposed to her. She was a hindu and he a catholic, and ofcourse both sets of parents were not keen on it. I had a good relationship with both sets. Her mother came to my house and talked to me. I remember telling aunty "I would trust him with my life" That was all they needed to give a nod of approval.

Just before the wedding, I sent him a letter and told him that in the event he made her cry even once, I would support her and not him.

About 3 years after their wedding, the troubles started and finally after a lot of pain and fighting, they ended up divorcing. I cut off all contact with him

Today, she has finally come out of all those issues, and even today tells me (I still feel guilty because I gave the stamp of approval for their marriage!!) that as a friend you could never ask for better, but as a husband he was horrible.

Current situation:

Yesterday I received a friend request from him on FB. I was in a dilemma as to whether or not to accept. After all my best friend, who is his ex, is also a friend. She has always wanted to keep her life a secret from him - meaning where she is and what she is doing. I sent her a message and asked her what I should do...because ultimately if she says no I will certainly not accept.

This guy is now happily married to another girl that we both knew. My friend also knows that they are married.

If you were in my position, what would you do? I do honestly miss his friendship because he has stood by me during a lot of my tough days in college...my parents also know him as he has come to our place and has attended both my sis as well as my wedding.

ANY feedback is welcome. My husband says that there is no reason I should not accept his friend request.
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This type of issues will always happening in social net work. Pl. don't accept his request. If you accept I am sure you will share your friend details and update her status this will spoil their life once again. Pl. don't accept and forgot the past this will be healthy.

good luck