I need to vent... I am so hurt. :(

I posted a thread on here trying to understand more about Indian culture to decide whether my friend and I should proceed with abortion. I talked to people on here, some Indians at my job, and several other Indian men to get their perspective.
I did message his mother, but I never got a response.

ultimately, I decided against the abortion. The father blames my religious reasons, even though he mentioned God more than I did. The reasons for abortion were ALL about him. Now, I'm faced with adoption or raising the child on my own, along with my two other children. I don't like these two options, and I deeply regret not going along with the abortion. I didn't want to do the abortion because I was scared, and I didn't know how it would affect me. The father says we can still get the abortion, but at almost 21 weeks, I feel like that is tragic.

we talked about adoption. We both agreed that adoption would give the baby a couple that was ready to care for it, and allow us a chance to work on keeping our relationship. I told him that I *needed* the support and encouragement to move forward that way. He said that he wanted me to be serious in my decision, and he would show me that he wanted to work on our relationship.

he called me one day, and wanted to see me that night. He wanted us to go out to dinner. I could not do it that night, but I said the weekend. He told me he could not wait to see me pink and pregnant. He was pretty nosy on if I had been seeing anyone and asked if he needed to mark his territory. He said I was carrying his baby and he wanted to know if I liked how fertile we were together. He said he loved me. I told him not to say anything he didn't mean. He told me he loved me again.

i spent the night with him that weekend. He called me on my way there. He was so EXCITED to see me. I could hear the excitement in his voice. We had a good time together. We ate at an Indian restaurant, that was the first time I had been there. He talked a lot about his family, and I felt like he was trying to introduce me more to his culture. He is always so polite. He refused to let me lift a finger doing anything. He only asked me to make him some biscuits. He would rub and kiss my stomach.

after that weekend, I called him to see if we could spend more time together. He asked me if I had thought any more of the abortion. I was like WHAT??!! He said that the weekend we spent together was to show me he was serious about keeping the relationship. All the things he had said about his baby, wanting to see me pink and pregnant, and that he loved me was bedroom talk. He said he had told me our bedroom talk was not real. Because telling someone you're carrying their baby is part of his fantasy, and I'm supposed to know when he goes back and forth??? I told him that was an incredibly cruel thing to do considering the situation.

When i stayed with him that weekend, I had NO idea that it was for the support. Yes, I told him that I needed support for adoption. But when he called asking to spend time with me, he said all of those "nice" things about HIS baby and adoption was NEVER mentioned. I had no idea from his excitement of seeing me that was the reason we were spending time together. I wasn't sure what had changed, if anything, but I truly felt like he was taking a small step in the right direction.

I asked his ex-girlfriend if he had a pregnancy fantasy with her, and that is why she broke up with him. She said it creeped her out, and she thought he was crazy. She said he would want her to say she wanted to have his babies on Marathi, that he would show her pictures of biracial babies and had a name for the skin tone, and he would talk about their future and show her houseplans. She said she only went along with his fantasy one time and it felt wrong. She said by the time they broke up, he was obsessed with it and she thought he was crazy. She could not believe how he is treating me.

im not going to say he was that obsessive about it, but HE pointed babies out all the time and wanted me to look at them. He started a conversation about baby names. He would send me videos of kids doing cute things. We swapped baby pictures. He made lots of comments about his pregnancy fantasy, and I had to tell him several times that I didn't like it.

What hurts is he makes comments to suggest that I tricked him and lied about my iud. I was not in a place to do that. That's not only messing up two people's lives, but it would also be involving an innocent baby. I care more than that. After talking to his ex-girlfriend, I almost felt like I was the one that was tricked.

So now, I'm supposed to go to the doctor Tuesday to see what the gender of the baby is. I have begged and begged and begged him to go, but he refuses. He said "why do you want me to go so that I will get emotionally attached and you will get what you wanted?" Yes, because the way I see it, we were two people that had an intense attraction to one another. Not only did we seem to want the same things, we both wanted to explore different places and each other. The way we were together, you would think that this would be bringing us closer together. Not only this reason, but because it would be great to have his support and know that he cares enough to go and make sure everything is ok. Is that to much to ask?

He says he is just as much in this as me, and my decision doesn't just affect me, but him and our families as well. Yet, I feel like I'm only doing this on my own. He said he could not believe I would want to have a baby with someone that I didn't haven't an affectionate bond that would last a lifetime. I was like "hello?? Aren't you from somewhere where most marriages are arranged and two people that don't know each other have to build a bond from that?"

This has been so hard, and I would do anything to go back to the very first time we met. This is just a tragedy. Im fighting for someone that made his fantasy reality, and I'm fighting to keep what we once had because it was so wonderful - his friends told him we were perfect together and my friends told me not to mess it up because they wanted to go to the wedding. It was a whirlwind romance that ends in disaster. I'm the one in pain and hurting. I dream about him almost every night. I'd be willing to give the baby to a couple that wanted children, if it meant we could work on us together and plan to have a baby when we were both ready. Doing it alone is not encouraging, and I don't know if I can do that alone.

i realize I have to do this on my own. That is very sad and hard for me to accept.

 

I do not understand the pregnancy fantasy - I have never been one to have fantasies like that. Basically, he just talks the talk, and now I guess everything he said that was baby talk was fantasy and not real. I don't know.

thats what I don't understand. How can he act or be so baby crazy, but refuses to care enough for his own child?

he does like me beig pregnant, but he seems to be off and on. Last week, we talked on the phone one night until 5am in the morning. He doesn't want me to see anyone but he doesn't want me either. My friend says he acts like he is married to me. I don't feel that way.

I have thought in time, he might accept it more. He doesn't really like the idea of adoption, and I don't like abortion, so it seems like a compromise.

he says that I don't understand how this will affect him. I messaged his mother before we met, and I honestly felt like she must be "ok" with it for him to have wanted to spend time together. Then the Indian restaurant and all his talk about his family, I felt like his family may not have reacted rhe way he said they would.
I am more open to his life-style then he thinks. If we choose to keep the baby. I would be encouraging on raising it with him teaching it about it's Indian culture. I would love to learn more just for the sake of the baby. It was so fun learning about it from him. He has to be somewhat open to MY beliefs too.

 

Financially, it would be hard. Definitely not how I envisioned bringing a 3rd child into the world. He says he has less than a month to find a job or change his student status, and right now he can not devote any time this month to me or pregnancy related issues.

If I choose to keep it, my family would be supportive as much as they could.

I have spoken a good bit with a lady that works with an adoption agency. I also made an appt with a lawyer to see what my options would be if I decided to keep the baby. I had to cancel my first appt, but she wanted to tell me if I was thinking about adoption that she knew a couple that she wanted me to meet. I told him about this couple, and I felt like we were moving to possibly go this route. we agreed we would meet them and see if we liked them. He said adoption was a very noble option.

then I asked him to go to my appt because seeing the ultrasound and finding out the gender is the best one! He can't take a couple hours out of his busy schedule to go. It's just hurtful.

 

It is not harsh, and I appreciate your comments. I'm just hurt. My kids are gone for the weekend. I have been in bed since I got home from work yesterday. I wanted to go get some maternity clothes, but I have no desire to do anything.

I want to make a good decision for everyone involved, putting my selfish wants and needs aside, but adoption is discouraging if he is not supportive of me. I don't ask him for much. I would like to see him sometimes, go I my appts and a phone call to show he cares enough. I went running when he asked to see me, but the feelings aren't reciprocated for me. I feel like a failure and I hurt that I have put my children in a situation like this. All I want is a happy home with a family and a husband that loves us. He thinks I chose the situation over him, and he says that I chose pregnancy to make him stay in the relationship. He was talking a BIG talk about our future when he talked about abortion. I told him simply that a baby/no baby, career/student/millionaire did not matter. If he wanted a future with me, then he would have one. He doesn't. I'm sad because I have to realize that.

 

Y'all are right, but I need to see it for myself. It just hurts and it is so unfair to this innocent baby.

I just needed someone me one to talk to. My friends all have their opinions and I get tired of hearing the negativity sometimes.

I DO try to look at him as an American man, but sadly American men act just as bad, some of them do. The way I see it is he is a man, I'm a woman, we both agreed to have sex, thinking MY protection was in place and most of the time he never used a condom. Protection or not, we both committed to sex. Now I'm the one that has to face the consequences, and I do not mind that. I just wish he was more supportive of me and more understanding of my background, when I've done so much to understand his views.

I think most reasons he gives are excuses. It's all about his career.