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Trying to Understand more about Indian culture? Sensitive topic.

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by usagirl7, Jan 29, 2014.

  1. usagirl7

    usagirl7 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello,
    I wanted to find an Indian message board because I need to understand more about Indian culture. I have been put into a situation that I am not proud of, but I'm trying to make the right decision for myself, my friend, and everyone that would be involved.
    Im only looking for help and understanding. I may have several questions, if that is ok? I appreciate you taking the time to read this, and if you respond, I am really thankful.


    i started dating an Indian guy in early November. He is a student at a local university and here on a visa. We get along really great. We spent weekends together, took a couple of trips to Atlanta, and enjoyed getting to know each other. I can see a future, and he does too.


    In the beginning, he asked me a lot of questions. Our answers were similar. He was raised Hindu, and says he respects his parents, but chooses to be agnostic for personal reasons and his degree. I tried researching Hinduism, and asking some questions. Now, I realize I did NOT do enough research. I wanted to be respectful of him, and I did not want to offend him or over-step my boundaries. Before meeting him, I was oblivious to India. I did ask questions of things that I had heard, and I let him know that was not my view-point, but I wanted to know everything about where he was from.


    i asked about pre-marital sex. If that was something he did not do or consider, then I wanted to know upfront, so that I would not cross any boundaries. His response was most religions are against it, but most people do it. Ok, I completely agreed.


    Our relationship went sexual much sooner than I had anticipated. And it was wonderful. All the intimacy and being totally connected to someone (something my pervious relationships had lacked) was there. We were great together, but intimately, we could move mountains.


    So, where does that leave us? I'm 10 weeks pregnant. After an ultrasound with my ob-gyn, my iud is gone. We would use other forms of protection, but not every time.


    He wants me to have an abortion. I just can't see doing that. He says that his family will cut him off financially and will view him as an outcast. (He does not have a big family, and he has nothing to do with his father's side.) He says if his family cuts him off, he will have to go back to India. He says he would feel betrayed by me because I chose an unplanned pregnancy over building a foundation with him. He says he would end up resenting me and probably the baby. He says he is not financially ready to have a child, and I'm not either. I have two other children that are 7 and 5, and I've worried and asked would his family even accept me because of that. He said that if it would have been a problem he would not have dated me. He says his family will think that I preyed on him because he is single. He says they are emotional and irrational and they would not understand.


    He did tell me that he told his family that he would chose who he dated and if it led to marriage. He says they did not agree at first, but finally accepted.


    We have been talking about adoption, but he is not ok with this. I am *trying* to do what I think is best for everyone. I just don't think abortion is the right way to go. I, personally, don't feel like he is being supportive of me. I have told him time
    after time that I just can't do the abortion, and he just keeps saying it's a legal and safe option that many couples use to ensure their future. He says if we go with abortion that it will give us a chance to build our foundation, get to know each other's families and plan our future.


    So, I guess I want to know if he is right? Will his family outcast him? I realize that every family is different, but trying to understand his culture and what the norm might be. I've googled and googled and googled some more, but it's hard to find topics like this. That's why I came here. What would be more acceptable for an Indian household - abortion? Adoption? Getting married? Going our separate ways now?


    Would his family never accept this baby? I guess I'm not as worried if they wouldn't accept me. I don't want him to lose his family or his possible career that he has worked really hard for.


    His first initial reaction to the pregnancy was that keeping it would make him work harder, and he came up with scenarios of if we did keep it. Those scenarios were much more positive than his view now.


    My view? I think we should get married. It may not be for the right reasons, but I would much rather say we tried to make things right. He says we haven't built a good enough foundation, and his parents may never accept that. Let me say this too, meeting him he seemed SO American. We shared a lot of the same views. Now, he keeps bringing up his family and how they will take it. I feel as we are both adults. We made a mistake. We should work together to make it right, but not by abortion. My family would be supportive of him.


    He has a hard time seeing things my way, and I'm having a hard time seeing things his way. I'm desperate to understand. I want to make a good decision. This is an unfortunate situation. :(


    Again, thank you for reading. If you respond, I look forward to your responses. Thank you!


    If I posted this on the wrong board, please direct me to the right one.
     
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  2. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is pretty much the crux of the matter, isn't it? If neither one of you is financially capable of raising a child, then all other points are moot. Having the child will be unfair not only to the new life but also to your two other children.

    However, that does not mean that an abortion is the only way out. If you aren't okay with an abortion then don't feel pressured into it. You will have to live with the consequences, not him. Rightfully, your guy needs to step to the the plate and take responsibility. But he seems unwilling and I don't know if forcing him into it is the right strategy for long term happiness.

    As to your questions on his parents' reaction. I would say that while most Indian parents would balk at the idea of a foreign daughter-in-law, especially one that comes with kids of her own, very few will reject their own grandchildren. They may reject you but will be less likely to reject your baby. However, this is not a certainty. It is quite possible that their reaction will be exactly as described by your boyfriend.

    Yours is a tricky situation. But it needs to be resolved by you and your boyfriend without worrying about parents and society. He is an adult and shouldn't use mom and dad as a crutch to hide from the consequences of his actions. I may be completely wrong but is it possible that he is exaggerating his family's potential reaction simply to wiggle out of being responsible for you and your child?
     
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  3. Endlesshope

    Endlesshope Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes , a few of us a hard core conservatives and if his family is anything like that, what he says is true. But if he really came from a family with values like this he should have kept his pants on.
    Am thinking, with a new found freedom of being in US he was just trying to score. Now that he is in a sticky situation, he's giving you BS just sohe can escape.
    I don't see a point in forcing a guy who isn't going to take responsibility for his actions to marry.
     
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  4. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    If his family is back in India, and you have 2 kids already, to be frank, I DO NOT see a future here.

    Frankly, he mainly wanted to get in bed.

    This proves my earlier response.


    Hello OP,

    I feel sorry for your predicament. While you should be enjoying the pregnancy, you are at a pretty sticky situation.

    At this stage, I don't think he or his family will accept the baby. He may have genuinely wanted to setup a life with you (I doubt it !) but at this stage he can not. India is very closed when it comes to traditions, and even though pre-marital sex happens, it is never openly discussed or acknowledged without being frowned upon. Baby out of wedlock is even more worse.

    Since your boyfriend's parents are still in India, they may not be ready to digest or acknowledge this situation. Again your boy-friend may have genuinely wanted to have a lifetime with you, but NOT now. It may take few years for him to settle down , stand n his own feet, stabilize himself financially, fulfill atleast some of his commitments back in India, prove to his parents that he is doing really well on his own, and ONLY then even would be in a situation to broach the subject.

    I doubt if he is genuine, as accepting a bride (non-Indian) is very very very slim in India, and accepting a baby out of wed-lock would narrow it further (as his parents may never be able to acknowledge openly to others that their son HAD pre-marital sex resulting in a baby as proof), and kids which are not of his blood, is never going to work. (Am sorry, but I have to spell it out. Am very very sorry !!)

    He would insist on abortion, as he wants to remove the evidence.

    I would say, please do what you would do if you were alone !!

    Cheers,
    JM
     
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  5. usagirl7

    usagirl7 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you for your reply!

    I never thought about his family NOT accepting me. I had talked to an Indian lady at my work and asked her about some Indian recipes so that I could make him something. That's when she made the comment about his family more than likely would not accept me or my children. I have asked him numerous times about that, and he says 'why wouldn't they accept you?' I am not worried about what others would think about me. Maybe, I'm being disrespectful, but I'm not too worried about being accepted. They live in India, and I live in the US. He plans on staying here because of job opportunities. I know eventually he would like for his mother as grandmother to live with him. He has told me that his mother had a hard time being accepted, so I wonder if she would have some sympathy?

    i agree with you that he should not use his parents as a crutch. So many times I have felt like I have been dealing with a spoiled child. We are both only children. There are so many things that I have wondered about him, such as does he already have an arranged marriage? He says if we were to keep it that his parents would think he is unable to make life choices and they would make it hard for him to make decisions in the future.

    I feel like in some ways, he has gotten desperate. We did go to an abortion clinic for he first initial visit. I cried the whole time. The appointment for the abortion was the next week, and I told him I just wasn't ready.

    He he says that I'm not thinking about the well-being of those I care about. I am. But, I know I can't live with a choice such as abortion. I wish I could, I wish it were that easy for me.
     
  6. usagirl7

    usagirl7 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you for the responses!

    I have wondered about him being genuine. The Indian lady at my work has also said she does not think he is genuine. I have wondered if I was just a last bit of fun before his next move. He is done with school, and trying to find a job.

    He has said his parents were very conservative, but they were for abortion to ensure that you were financially ready and ready in other aspects to have a child.

    Im just sick to my stomach about all of this. :(
     
  7. my2angels

    my2angels Silver IL'ite

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    Dear "USAGIRL"

    I wonder if the response would have been different if this post was from a USAGUY wanting to know about Indian culture.

    Nevertheless - I have seen cases like this. A non indian female in USA meets an indian guy at some university or work and is totally "fascinated" by Indian culture because of cultural and family values and then start dating. In some cases they just like the ethnic skin and feel attracted to Indians. Some have just fun and some dream of marrying.

    Now to be honest I agree with JustMyself, In some cases the Indian guy just want to have fun. He is not going to marry any Non indian. The only cases where an Indian guy/girl would marry an american is if they want citizenship and if they want to settle in USA or have some plans related to this. I am sure I will get backlash for this but this is just my honest thinking. There might be exceptions to this as well but I HAVE NOT SEEN IT. I am just putting down my views as per my observation and experience.

    Many times these guys would give an excuse like " I will be banished from my culture" or " My parents have already looked for a wife for me - arranged marriage scenario" or " My parents won't agree" blah blah. If they really want to marry, they can.

    So I agree with JM, he just wanted to get in bed but instead of JUST blaming him, I would blame you too.

    You both are 50-50 responsible for this. In the post he mentioned that he has "spoken" to his family. Not sure if his family really knows about you. My guess is NO

    This is just my honest answer and do not get me wrong. I think you should abort because I do not see a future for this baby.

    I also think you should come back to your senses and make sensible decisions in the future.

    All the best.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2014
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  8. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    A marriage in India is still mostly NOT just between people, but it has lot of family involvements. It is more like marriage between families. So, compatibility between families matter too ! India, while is huge, have not developed a Individual-centric atmosphere. Social Network matters a lot and is given more importance OVER individual likes/tastes. Here in US, you can live without wondering about your neighbors. In India, "society" matters.. ie the opinions of neighbors, friends, family, extended family are considered.

    Even if he lives here in US, his family is still in India, and would see this situation as a threat to their social acceptance level. Your boyfriend is fully aware of all of this, so I doubt if he had ever mentioned about you & your kids to his family.

    Am sorry about your situation again. If you can, please talk to your Indian lady at work more. She seems to be able to explain more to you as she has seen both the worlds.

    Hope you get help soon !!!

    Regards,
    JM
     
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  9. usagirl7

    usagirl7 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, I was completely fascinated with him. He is the most interesting person that I know, and he has introduced me to so many new things. I am pretty open-minded about most things. Talking with him and learning from him, I felt like I lived in a bubble and wasn't as open as I thought.

    if you take away this situation, I think he is an absolutely beautiful person, inside and out. I have never dated someone as nice, caring and thoughtful as him. He set the bar for how I want to be treated in future relationships. It wasn't just because we did fun things, he was just a great person. Everything that I want from a partner, I got from him.

    i do blame myself. I hate the situation that I have or could possibly put my children in. I don't want to bring home a baby when there is no father. I don't want to raise a child that may not have a father, although I would love it no matter what.

    we have discussed adoption a little bit. He is not happy with this option.
     
  10. usagirl7

    usagirl7 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you, JustMyself! I appreciate you taking out the time to respond and explain it me! I did not realize that Hinduism was customizable to your own needs.
     
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