Summary Of My Last Year On The Computer

1-I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

2-Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

3-I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

4-I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

5-I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

6-I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feather s.

7-I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

8-Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

9-Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

10-I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

11-I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

12-I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

13-And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

14-I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

15-I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

16-I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

17-I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

18-I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
, and Uzbekistan .

19-I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

20-I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

21-Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

22-Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

23-And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5 I found dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

24-Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

25-And oh yeah, thanks for the live chats, true love guarantees, and Viagra.

26-If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p. m.
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second
husband's cousin's beautician.

Hi Henna,

Its too funny .
I also used to get these junk forward mails and i always wonder even one of them is true

txs dear