Love Means Having To Say Sorry When…

'Love means never having to say you're sorry' Erich Segal immortalized the words in 'Love Story' but in real life- a genuine 'sorry' eases the bumps..


…You’ve been inconsiderate.
…You’ve hurt your loved one.
…You’ve taken him for granted once too often.


With apologies to Erich Segal, love doesn’t mean never having to say you’re sorry. In any relationship there will be times when we will intentionally or unintentionally hurt our nearest ones. And at such times nothing works better than a sincere apology.

The key word here is ‘sincere’. But sadly, this term has been abused so frequently that the regret has become submerged below sheer inanity. And the inevitable excuse that leaps to our lips with a ‘sorry’ has been reduced it to a meaningless mumble. It is high time we give ‘sorry’ back the dignity it deserves.


Catch yourself when you say the S -word

Here are some common examples of how saying Sorry has little meaning.

1. Are your ‘sorry’s’ always followed with, “Actually, you see…” ? As in, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t call, actually I was so tied up in my work…”This kind of an apology is worse than not saying sorry, because what you really mean here, is that your work is far more important than calling up the person. You’re in a way doubling the damage, first you failed to call, and then you’re relegating your friend to a secondary status. Why not take the responsibility instead? Just say, “ I’m really sorry, I should’ve called that day.” That should smooth your friend’s ruffled feathers effectively!
   
   
2. Another purposeless sorry is ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you’. That proclaims loudly that you really don’t consider your action/words to be hurtful, but if the other person is sissy enough to be hurt by them, well, okay sorry. How insensitive does it sound! And it is. The correct way should be, “I know/realize I’ve hurt you and I’m honestly sorry.”
   
   
3. The lastly a rather common apology between spouses is ‘I’m sorry but it was entirely your fault’. Often enough we catch one saying, “I’m sorry I lost my temper that day but then you were being so unreasonable!” and expecting the other one to forgive and forget! But has this person really apologized? No, he is just playing the blame game yet another time! No wonder then that apologies of this kind do little to resolve issues.

Say sorry without beating around the bush-

‘Thank you’ and ‘sorry’ are among the first words that we learn as children. But we are made to say them so often, that they become more like reflex actions, than anything else. Some times, our own guilt makes us defensive, and then we use either the ‘excuse’ or ‘blame’ apology, to wriggle out of accepting responsibility. At other times, we mean the ‘sorry’, but dilute it with unasked reasons and explanations.

While it is always important to mean what we say, and say what we mean, it becomes imperative when we are saying sorry. Because the whole idea behind an apology is, not just saying the word, but actually feeling sorry. The moment we add an excuse or a blame to it, it becomes not just insincere, but meaningless. Because that simply makes it a route to escape responsibility with an easier conscience.

A sincere apology is a healer for both the offender and the offended. Once we take the whole responsibility of a wrong, and apologize in the proper spirit, we mend rifts and strengthen relations. Along with that, we also enrich ourselves, as we become less defensive.

To rephrase Segal’s immortal lines, ‘Love means having to say sorry when you’ve hurt one, but say it without any excuses or explanations.’

A good one Ashna...

Yes, saying sorry acts like a super glue, repairing just about anything. Some people act as though they have forgotten that word, your article is a good reminder.

ambika.

Hi Ashna,

I liked this article a lot. This just hits on the head about how important it is to say sorry to anyone we hurt and to say it meaningfully and straight.

Ambika has rightly pointed out, when said meaningfully it will definely mend any kind of relationship.

Do you believe if I say that my 3 1/2 year old daughter demands sorry from us (parents), if we do something that hurts her? One day when I screamed at her unknowingly for something that she is not to be blamed, she replied me back in a very nice voice - 'No, I am not to be blamed for this. Do not scream at me. Say sorry ma - I'm hurt'.

I was so shocked to hear that and I told her sorry whole heartedly.

Your article reminds me that incident and I can relate how important it is to say sorry, when we hurt someone whatever be the relationship, no taking for granted.

Ashna, we need more and more of precious wisdom like the one contained in your article. Psychologists say that 90% of our stress is caused by human relationship. And 90% of the time the problem comes because we didn't say sorry or please. When I was driving my car I once had to turn and being lost in my thoughts I turned without indicating the turn. The two-wheeler fellow behind me came up to me and was about to launch a battle. I downed the shutters and said, "Sir, I am absolutely sorry. The entire blame is mine." When he smiled and took leave of me, you know, I felt very good. Had I fought with him I would have spoiled my day as well as his.

What I like about your article is about the way one should say sorry. I used to say sorry many times to my daughter. And she would accept; but at times she would almost shout at me, Dad you didn't mean it. Now I understand. I am a very verbose man and I lace my apology with pages and pages of explanation. Now I know. When I say sorry in future I'll just stop with that. Thanks for the illumining article.
Madhu-cute the incident you have narrated about your daughter is very touching. May she be blessed.
varalotti
sridhar

A very nice article Ashna. Something which all should keep in mind when saying sorry.

regards
vidhi

hello Ashna,nice post,thanx for posting.

Hi Ashna,
Very nice article.