newlyweds..arent we supposed to leave 'em alone....

Hi Here are my feelings about this subject. This is actually an excerpt from my blog.

When a couple get married in India , the next question from everybody is "When are you going to have a baby?" Really because well according to many thats the next duty to complete!!! Awesome amount of pressure on the couple before they can even begin to know each other as a husband and wife ( oh yeah thats a lot different from lovers or fiance). Well I know because San and I decide to give ourselves time to enjoy each other in every respect before moving to the next phase.



We really freaked out in our "DINKS" days but by the time we finished 4 years of marriage we had everybody breathing down our necks with a well meant " Start trying"!!!. 2 hilarious(now, not then) incidents ...one a neighbour aunty putting her head thru our car window and saying with so much sadness - " What not pregnant yet" @#&!@#Two, a very old 70+ man ( some acquaintance) meeting us for the first time said in front of the whole family "4 years no baby, better go see a doc immdtly". Oh man I was really psyched.


However it is a good idea to ignore the pressure and take it easy for atleast 4 years after marriage. Learn about each other and enjoy that period for it will never come back. Take short vacations often and try to explore different places together. Dont take risks on contraception. Remember the safe period is never safe.


The right time for a woman to have her first baby as everyone knows is around 25 - 29 yrs depending on when you get married and how much time you want for yourselves before you think of a baby. Having said that, being mentally prepared for a baby is equally or much more important than being physically prepared. And it applies both for the man and the woman.

Cheers
Deepa

 

Suji, I'm with you on this. I have found it to be a uniquely Indian quirk for so many people to just bluntly ask about a couple's sex life and family planning in such a brash and coarse way. To me, this is insensitive at best, and the height of bad manners at worst. This particular bit of information is no one's business except the couple in question. I don't even think that the in-laws or parents should be questioning the couple regarding this, unless the couple volunteers information and wants to talk about it.

Deepa, you have given a reasonable and balanced perspective on this issue, and you seem to know what you're talking about based on your own awkward experiences (imagine a 70-year-old uncle telling you to go see a doctor!). The only minor little thing I would disagree with you about is "the right time for a woman to have a baby". I know that medically-speaking, there might exist such a window, but I find it hard to specify such a thing when all women are so different. Some women and men might prefer to have a baby earlier, later, or never at all. I know several couples who have CHOSEN not to have children and are perfectly happy. However, you do go on to qualify that mental preparedness is as important as the physical, for both men and women, so I think we're basically on the same page here.

Vasumathy, I wonder about whether just ignoring the interference and rudeness is enough. I know it is considered respectful in the Indian community to pardon elders for all kinds of blunders and bad manners on their part, simply because they are old or experienced or whatever it is. Also, the couple in question may not want to be seen as being defensive or drawing even more attention to themselves by making a fuss and telling people to mind their own business.

However, this isn't really solving the huge problem that exists, which is Suji's central point - so many people feel it is their RIGHT to take liberties with couples and embarrass them in public with questions that are little more than a gross invasion of their privacy. If it is done to me, don't I have DUTY to tell the rude person in question to butt out, if only to save some poor other couple from receiving the same treatment at the hands of the boor in the future?

And let's not pretend that people do it out of concern or caring. In my experience, they do it out of inquisitiveness, bad manners, and to assert some sort of medical or moral authority over the couple. Not having a baby immediately after one gets married (or ever) is not a sign of disease or failure, and it's time the people in our community who think like this were set right. So, I strongly feel that instead of ignoring the questioners, we should tell them it's none of their business. I know this is easier said than done, but sometimes a little bit of straight talk can do wonders for letting people know what you will and won't stand for, instead of suffering in silence!

 

Hello All,

I also agree with mentality of people asking these embarassing question to newly weds and I get even more irritated when they compare you to another couple who got married later than you but have conceived already as if they have achieved something. In such cases, I also do the same as what Vasu said and ignore them. I see that its not only old people sometimes fellow colleages (who are educated ) also have the same comparison attitude. For that matter, I also log into other international forums that discuss about TTC, even there people are worried about questions from relatives and friends... So looks like this is just not a Indian culture but a universal phenomenon :hide:

Regards,
Malar

 

Hi ,

These ares common questions to newly married couple.Finally its the couple ,who should decide when to have a baby.At the same time its better to keep track of your health conditions and prepare yourselves both mentally and physically to have a baby. Decide your priorities,financial status and then plan for a baby.ignore the rest and stay cool girls...




Haritha

 

hi all,
i want to ask something more on this topic.. do u sometimes feel aliented in your neighbourhood?? When there is socializing, then after first 5 minutes, the next question is about children... then they give their expert advise of pujas, drs, tests and so on ... so i will be running in circles doing new puja each time.. getting the temptation to change my dr because of their STRONG suggestion and so on.. thought my dr is doing well, i feel that sometimes, i run in circles to so many drs that i feel it is my karma in this life to pay fees to as many drs as possible:rotfl

yes, as many have said, it is easy to ignore people who talk about children... they may not know we are trying hard to get children, but they may not realize this..

pls tell me how to socialize with people with children, without feeling hurt... what can we say them abt our tries, so that they dont broach this topic again.. without being rude to them..

 

With respect to the thread topic, I would strongly say Yes! Not only newly weds, please do leave all married couples alone - after all it is the couple's right to taking decisions without having nosey parkers around!

Hemadurga, regarding your question, I would say stop listening to them. As long as you have confidence in your present doctor, do no listen to anyone else - even if they have 100 children! Though some might really mean well, most do not.This I can tell you from my own experience. So stop listening to them and stop telling them about your trials. There is no need for us to tell them of our difficulties. In fact that only makes most people want to poke further and indulge in shadenfreude with glee! If anyone becomes too nosy, just tell them it is none of their business. If you cannot do that, tell them you know what you are doing and if you need any advice, you will ask them. Just relax and enjoy life.

Regards,
Anitha

 

Hi all,
I strongly agree with all of you in this..they try to show that they are more concerned about us having children,but the truth is they wantted to know why are we not having children for so long.
They make us so embrassed,esp with in laws every time when u speak they will ask(good news enna???)now my SIL have started to ask did u consult a Doc??I dont know how long this babay process will take and how long are we supposed to answer to all these.